3 Years and 7 Months all gone...

[imbax]

Hi guys I have been a long time reader and first time poster. I would like to introduce myself to everyone as a young 23 year old male who has just graduated university and currently completing an internship in the health sector.

 

For what it's worth, I feel like I need to vent a bit to strangers online about the love of my life breaking up with me today.

 

We started going out after we met at work when we were both still studying the same degree almost 4 years ago. We were both the first time in love for each other including everything from kissing, sex, EVERYTHING. She was such a beautiful, kind and caring girl with a unique tone for her voice. Although the start of our relationship was not perfect, we have changed for each other so much and made so much compromises for each other, I can't believe I have lost her. Throughout most of the relationship I found myself putting everything I had into looking after her, taking her out, making her happy....We even went overseas together a year into our relationship for the first time.

 

There came a point in time where I felt as if she simply stopped trying and putting effort into the relationship (in terms of rarely initiating texts, never calling, planning anything etc.) I am not an overbearing boyfriend and I do give her her space when she needs so things were going okay for the most part. Whenever we saw each other, we were so happy and in love (even though sometimes we were down each others throats) it always worked out in the end. For problems that occurred we used to talk it through and work something out (even if I had to sometimes compromise more for the relationship than her). Eventually we worked it out and 80-90% of the time we were happy.

 

In our relationship history, she has semi-broken up with me (a few hours) near the start due to her emotions and unfamiliarity with relationships and she has also cleanly broken up with me ONCE for a week, about 2 years ago. I am heart broken every time she breaks up with me (even if it is smaller break ups) as I am the one always saying that NO relationship is perfect and there is always work involved in every relationship. About 1.5 years ago I broke up with her for a couple of hours and immediately regretted my decision. Put simply, we were both willing to work towards our problems and I was happy to sacrifice a bit for her because I LOVE her.

 

So earlier this year we both separate from our old work and go our own ways for our internships. We see each other 1-2 times a week on the weekend when I drive back from the country to see her. Throughout these past 4 months, either I am blind or stupid but I honestly thought our relationship was going well (it had its ups and downs here and there) but overall it was going good and I thought we were both happy.

 

Last week (over the easter long weekend) it was a shaky week for our relationship. The situation that started all of this was when I acted very passive aggressive over sex, because she did not meet me due to being "too tired" and the reason was because her friends had dragged her out during the day. I was about to leave for work in the country again and I couldn't believe she didn't want to see me. This is actually quite a common occurrence - not sex but her always being quite reluctant to meet me - for our relationship as I am usually the one who plans and organises our meet ups. As a result my self esteem and pride was quite hurt and we ended up fighting about it. She said to me that I only wanted to meet up with her for sex and although this was slightly true, I ended up having a long thought about it and realised that sex was an important part of our relationship but I was willing to give it up if it made her happy because I loved her. During the same fight, she blatantly told me that she only wanted to have sex with me once every few weeks even though we had been doing it at least once a week on average (and 3-4 times a day at the start of our relationship). Initially, I was quite unhappy to see things go this way because every time we had sex, we BOTH highly enjoyed it so this decision had left me in pure confusion. In the end, we made up and apologised to each other. The week after (last week) was normal and she told me that she loved me only two days ago.

 

Although this fight had only occurred once previously, the main idea of previous disagreements and fights revolved around her inability to communicate with me when we were apart. She would rarely initiate texts or let me know what she is doing until I asked her. She would organise meet ups with friends and other co-workers but would never put me as a priority. I got a bit upset every time she organised things that I enjoyed doing with her with her friends instead of me and did not invite me along. As you can understand she never organises anything with me yet her organising stuff with friends, then turning me down for things obviously hurts me. This made me feel like she didn't really care for meeting up with me and the relationship.

 

We fought a lot over this because I am a firm believer of good communication + putting effort into a relationship and honestly I can say that she has gotten a lot better since the start of our relationship. At the same time, I have expected a lot less from her so we sort of met in the middle ground.

 

Only today, when she missed my sports game (time and time again) I told her we need to talk about our communication. I was upset because I made it clear that I didn't care if she was busy on Saturdays and had other things on - I am fine with her missing out on watching me if she has other important things to do. But last night, she went out with friends until 6am! She didn't even tell me she was doing this until the morning today so I obviously I was upset because she didn't make the effort to see me whereas whenever I go out all night, I manage to see her rain hail or shine even if I feel like I am dying. This is only one of the examples where she has pulled out on something small like that.

 

So today when we eventually met up after my sports match, she said told me that these past 4 months she had been having doubts about our relationship. Can you believe this? She told me she loved me only 2 days ago and now she was breaking up with me. She told me that we always argue about the same things and she is sick of trying for me. She said that the only reason why this relationship has gone on for almost 4 years was because we were each others first love for everything, if I were someone else it would be over a long time ago. She told me if she doesn't do it now, later down the line in 3 or 4 years she would break up with me anyway so there was no point. I pleaded with her to reconsider, I told her that ALL relationships have their ups and downs and we have had MORE ups than downs so there is no reason to break up. I told her I was happy for the most part and she told me she was only happy SOMETIMES because she is always worried about what her actions would do to upset me (such as last night when she went out and missed my sports match). I reiterated I was happy most of the time, but she said whenever I get unhappy, she gets unhappy and doesn't get over it that easily whereas I do. She told me that I would always be special to her and that no relationship will ever surmount to this level or degree. She told me that these 3 years and 7 months have not been a waste and we have developed for the better because of it.

 

We both started off in this relationship when we were young at 19 years old. Now we are almost turning 24. We were so young back then.... I loved her so much and would give anything to have her. I was seriously considering to marry her for life. I cannot begin to imagine that this was on her mind when she said she wanted to talk today. I am cut deep and thrown into something I feel like I will never recover from. I don't think I will ever be the same again, nor do I feel like I want to be in a relationship ever again. In the odd chance I get into a relationship again, it will never be the same and I feel like I will never put this much effort into anyone ever again.

 

The part that hurts the most is the constant flashbacks I have been getting for this past day. I am missing her sitting in the car next to me with her beautiful smile. The feel of her hand in mine. The trips we made to the mountains, fishing, beach sex, road trips, overseas, her being my BEST FRIEND and study partner through the rough times and the happy times. I miss going into exams understanding that we were both under immense pressure. I miss sharing success stories with her. I miss going shopping with her, watching movies. I miss her understanding and ability to be positive in any situation. I miss eating at crappy restaurants with her. I miss eating at fancy restaurants with her. I miss the times we snuggled with each other in bed. I miss sharing secrets with each other that we couldn't tell a single soul. I miss having a bitch about things/people with her. I don't know what to do with all the stuff we shared together such as the trust ring I got us on our first anniversary and all the photos / memories.

 

She is the one who understands me better than myself. Basically, I just want the pain and misery to stop. I really miss her already.

 

After the talk, I told her "all the best" and sort of closed the car door a bit harder than I should have. She has then deleted her profile off Facebook (not a good sign). I have also told her that I never want to speak to her ever again (not even hi or hello) because she has broken my heart for good. I just wish things weren't this way and that we could be together again. I guess if she can't be happy with me, then for her to be happy it would have to be to move on. I wish I had said a proper good bye without leaving by saying "all the best" and storming away.

 

I love her and want to see her happy so I guess I have to let her go as there is nothing else I can do. I would love to see her beautiful face again, but my best bet would probably be in the nightmares to come.

 

I have initiated no contact and will be trying my best to get on with life. Any advice or support guys?

 

If you guys have any questions regarding my relationship I am happy to answer them if I didn't make things too clear in my post (I am terrible at english). If not, I'll update you guys if anything happens or changes. :(

[Ruby65]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

 

It's good that you've decided to go No Contact. It's the harder path not always chosen.... but the reward is that it's really the fastest way to start feeling better and really heal from the breakup.

 

The good news is, in time you WILL be completely over this breakup and you WILL feel back to your normal self. You'll even fall in love again, even though right now that's the last thing you want to think about.

 

The bad news is, this doesn't happen instantly. It does take time.... although sticking to No Contact makes it happen much faster, you're still in for a rough road.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

You WILL be okay, it just takes a while to get there.

[imbax]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

 

It's good that you've decided to go No Contact. It's the harder path not always chosen.... but the reward is that it's really the fastest way to start feeling better and really heal from the breakup.

 

The good news is, in time you WILL be completely over this breakup and you WILL feel back to your normal self. You'll even fall in love again, even though right now that's the last thing you want to think about.

 

The bad news is, this doesn't happen instantly. It does take time.... although sticking to No Contact makes it happen much faster, you're still in for a rough road.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

You WILL be okay, it just takes a while to get there.

 

Thank you Ruby, I have a good memory in general so all the vivid flash backs are killing me. All the happy times I have ever spent with my ex are continuously flashing through my mind. Although I know it's pure stupidity to go after her after what she has done to me, I keep getting the urge to send her a text saying everything I have ever wanted to say as a final stance of goodbye

 

I am so heartbroken

Edited April 18, 2015 by imbax

[Ruby65]

I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is.

 

What you're feeling now.... that urge to contact her and say your piece.... THAT is why it's so difficult to go No Contact.

 

But that's what you must try to fight. Give yourself more time to settle down and get more perspective, and give her time to settle down as well.

 

Right now what you need to remember is:

 

Contact = Pain

No Contact = Healing

 

Please try and give yourself more time without reaching out to her. Give yourself time to heal without heaping fresh new pain on top of recent wounds.

 

Hang in there, keep posting!

 

Everyone here really does understand what you're going through.

[imbax]

Thank you again Ruby, I will keep trying to NC. Even though I am logical and smart about this it still hurts like hell, for what it's worth I keep telling myself that if it was never meant to be then it was for the best.

[Ruby65]

Well, maybe someday you'll be able to look back and *really believe* it's for the best... but I suspect that day is a long long time from now.

 

Do check out the recovery guide, it's very good and written by a fellow poster.

 

Be very good to yourself today. See friends if you can.

[imbax]

Is it normal to fantasise about the "if's" regarding what I could currently be doing with her if we were together then realizing I am all alone by myself and getting disappointed especially when I was looking forward to seeing her on the weekend and now I am not?

[diamondgirl]

im so sorry to hear youre going through this. i had a horrible breakup with my first love 7 months ago. we dated from 15-23 and always had a great relationship. i was completely blind sighted. he basically just told me he couldn't imagine ever only experiencing one girl, that we both need to see what else is out there and if its meant to be with us, well know that in the future but we need to take "necessary" significant time apart to date other people.

 

everything youre feeling now i was feeling. i wont sugarcoat it - the next few months will be ROUGH. i would say i started to really feel better around the 5 month mark. im nowhere near healed and i still think of my ex often but the sadness and desperation i felt initially really have worn off so much. i feel back to myself for the most part. youre smart to go NC right away. i didnt listen to everyone who told me to do that and it was stupid and led to so much more hurt and a delayed recovery. my ex and i are no longer in contact anymore and its made my life so much easier.

 

a list of things that helped my healing:

-working out

-pampering and treating myself

-shopping - new clothes and new haircut

-spending a ton of time with girlfriends and family

-reading and watching movie or starting a new tv show

-throwing myself into my schoolwork (im a grad student)

-going out and flirting

-casual dating

-venting on these forums

-writing letters to my ex that i didnt send

 

it WILL get better. i truly didnt believe it ever would. i know i have a ways to go still. 7 years at my age was a long time, but im on my way to moving on. i feel excited about the future again! hang in there!

[imbax]

im so sorry to hear youre going through this. i had a horrible breakup with my first love 7 months ago. we dated from 15-23 and always had a great relationship. i was completely blind sighted. he basically just told me he couldn't imagine ever only experiencing one girl, that we both need to see what else is out there and if its meant to be with us, well know that in the future but we need to take "necessary" significant time apart to date other people.

 

everything youre feeling now i was feeling. i wont sugarcoat it - the next few months will be ROUGH. i would say i started to really feel better around the 5 month mark. im nowhere near healed and i still think of my ex often but the sadness and desperation i felt initially really have worn off so much. i feel back to myself for the most part. youre smart to go NC right away. i didnt listen to everyone who told me to do that and it was stupid and led to so much more hurt and a delayed recovery. my ex and i are no longer in contact anymore and its made my life so much easier.

 

a list of things that helped my healing:

-working out

-pampering and treating myself

-shopping - new clothes and new haircut

-spending a ton of time with girlfriends and family

-reading and watching movie or starting a new tv show

-throwing myself into my schoolwork (im a grad student)

-going out and flirting

-casual dating

-venting on these forums

-writing letters to my ex that i didnt send

 

it WILL get better. i truly didnt believe it ever would. i know i have a ways to go still. 7 years at my age was a long time, but im on my way to moving on. i feel excited about the future again! hang in there!

 

Thank you for the advice, I am sorry to hear that that had happened to you as well. I hope it goes a lot faster for me, but I honestly wish I was one of those couples who are together for life do you know what I mean? The couples who meet very young and die only a few hours apart from each other.

 

I guess in ways, I am a bit different to you at the moment as in I am disgusted by the fact of dating someone else. I also do not want to see anyone, I just want to crawl up into a ball in my room and never leave, but unfortunately I work 6 days a week so I have to face the real world in pain.

 

I know a lot of guys just say to me, "just have sex with a few girls and it will be alright...." But the truth is, I don't want to because I only want my ex. She was my first and I want to keep it that way.

 

It just sucks that there are people out there who don't want the same things as you. My ex always wanted it her way and I was willing to compromise 90% of the time to make her happy, but in the end she was never really happy anyway. Towards the end (last few weeks), regarding our fight with me wanting to have more sex like the start of our relationship: she told me "she wanted it when she wanted it" and didn't want to compromise or consider my feelings at all. I agreed to this because I loved her and wanted her to feel happy and not pressurised rather than me being a typical pushy boyfriend always wanting sex.

 

In the end, I feel like it's my fault, I was probably giving her way too much attention/treating her like a princess than she deserved. It's quite sad how humans work like that though isn't it? The more attention you give something, the less they give back. At least my car is something I can put money and attention into without it breaking my heart.

 

Such is life.

[imbax]

First of all, major congratulations on graduating and landing an internship

 

People do change or experience shift of mindset on what they want after a few years. Therefore, there are instances when a couple started their relationship, falling head over heels for one another but ended up turning against each other, losing feelings for one another. It happens... and it still does.

 

You have to leave her alone first. At the time being, please do focus on moving on. Please do not slow down your world, you are young and plenty of life opportunities ahead of you.

 

If she is firmed in ending the relationship, sometimes it may not be an instant decision to break, it could be something that she have thought about it for a very long time.

 

To be honest I have always been a little insecure in the relationship and have feared that our new places at work would tear our relationship apart. My fears have come true and it actually happened.

 

She did say she thought about it for the past 4 months ever since we started our new internships at different places. I'm thinking this gave her a lot of extra unnecessary time to think about our relationship as we went from seeing each other almost every day in uni to once a week after we started full time work.

 

The hard part about it is, how can she tell me she loves me only two days ago and plus we were so happy most of the time in these past few months because seeing each other once a week rather than everyday makes the moments so much more special....at least to me anyway.

 

And then, in the space of 2-3 weeks, our relationship has just crashes finally breaking today out of the blue when I thought a rocky 2-3 weeks was nothing to what we have been through before

[Ruby65]

Sounds like she was gradually detaching from you for at least the past four months.

 

She was acting happy and in love because she was scared of her changing feelings.... and she was trying to convince both you and herself that this wasn't happening. But it was.

[Fufu]

"The hard part about it is, how can she tell me she loves me only two days ago and plus we were so happy most of the time in these past few months because seeing each other once a week rather than everyday makes the moments so much more special....at least to me anyway."

 

Some woman can be really fickle-minded... and it can be pretty hard to read their mind.

 

The best is to leave her be and eventually time will tell.

[imbax]

"The hard part about it is, how can she tell me she loves me only two days ago and plus we were so happy most of the time in these past few months because seeing each other once a week rather than everyday makes the moments so much more special....at least to me anyway."

 

Some woman can be really fickle-minded... and it can be pretty hard to read their mind.

 

The best is to leave her be and eventually time will tell.

 

Yeah you have a point there, she is sometimes like this and can cover her real intentions or feeing well. Either that or I am just a stupid guy who can't read a girl.

 

Sounds like she was gradually detaching from you for at least the past four months.

 

She was acting happy and in love because she was scared of her changing feelings.... and she was trying to convince both you and herself that this wasn't happening. But it was.

 

I think you could be onto something here. I guess if she was scared of her changing feelings she was still trying hard to be with me but finally caved today. Perhaps , each little fight and nagging I did at her cracked the wall and drew her further each time and the longer distance has made communication harder than it already was.

 

I feel like I can never keep anything good in terms of friends and family. I either put way too much effort or way too little effort. The friends that I have had in the past have all gone because of my lack of effort and now my ex has gone too. I feel like a failure in life when it comes to people. Everything around me is pushed away. I repel people I feel like I am the problem

[diamondgirl]

Thank you for the advice, I am sorry to hear that that had happened to you as well. I hope it goes a lot faster for me, but I honestly wish I was one of those couples who are together for life do you know what I mean? The couples who meet very young and die only a few hours apart from each other.

 

I guess in ways, I am a bit different to you at the moment as in I am disgusted by the fact of dating someone else. I also do not want to see anyone, I just want to crawl up into a ball in my room and never leave, but unfortunately I work 6 days a week so I have to face the real world in pain.

 

I know a lot of guys just say to me, "just have sex with a few girls and it will be alright...." But the truth is, I don't want to because I only want my ex. She was my first and I want to keep it that way.

 

It just sucks that there are people out there who don't want the same things as you. My ex always wanted it her way and I was willing to compromise 90% of the time to make her happy, but in the end she was never really happy anyway. Towards the end (last few weeks), regarding our fight with me wanting to have more sex like the start of our relationship: she told me "she wanted it when she wanted it" and didn't want to compromise or consider my feelings at all. I agreed to this because I loved her and wanted her to feel happy and not pressurised rather than me being a typical pushy boyfriend always wanting sex.

 

In the end, I feel like it's my fault, I was probably giving her way too much attention/treating her like a princess than she deserved. It's quite sad how humans work like that though isn't it? The more attention you give something, the less they give back. At least my car is something I can put money and attention into without it breaking my heart.

 

Such is life.

 

im 7 months ahead of you! of course going out and dating someone else repulses you right now. i didnt start until about the 4 month mark. and i haven't slept with anyone either - its just casual dating that has been fun for me to meet new people. of course you still want to curl up in a ball and die. its early stages. i hear you. i completely thought that my ex and i would be one of those couples who met at 15 and stayed together forever. but he didnt want that. he said even if we did end up together it would need to be after he dated other girls. im not sure about your ex's reasoning exactly but sounds like you just wanted different things.

 

as far as her telling you she loved you just two days before, my ex and i broke up on a sunday night. the friday before that so 2 days before he had come over to my apartment straight from work and i cooked him dinner and he said "isn't this foreshadowing what our married life will be like?". we had sex and cuddled and were completely normal the entire weekend before the breakup. i didnt see it coming at all. but in reflecting back I've seen he was distancing himself for the last 3 months of our relationship. its only after month of reflection i see it though. it's kind of like that movie 500 days of summer.

 

you need to let yourself grieve. don't be afraid to reach out to friends and family. and make sure you are eating and sleeping enough and taking care of yourself. i had no appetite for so long after my breakup and was drinking a lot and not taking care of myself. it will be rough for a while but once you make it though these next few weeks it will get easier. youre not alone!

[SLee]

Your story is similar to mine. Similar ages and everything. First love, first everything, and similar length. Trust me, I feel your pain. We too started really young. We committed super young, super fast. We were seriously considering marriage and an eventual future together. At times it was picture perfect.

 

My break up is very recent. So when I say I feel your pain, I mean it.

 

But what you need to do now, is focus on YOU. And only you. You don't owe her anything anymore.

 

The part you bolded is absolutely miserable to bear. The keepsakes, the memories, the pictures, the times you shared all of that. The best thing you can do with the tangible stuff is to get rid of it/give it back. Delete the photos from social media, get them off your phone/computer. EVERYTHING. If you're not the type of person who wants to get rid of memories (I am), put it all in a box, give it to a friend for safe keeping and order them not to give it back until you are COMPLETELY healed, which will take a while. Take the digital photos and put them on a USB drive and give that to a friend as well. Make an encrypted folder that only a friend knows the password to so you can't look at them. Delete her number, her texts, everything.

 

As for the non-tangible stuff, like the memories of being your best friend and the support and the good times and what not, unfortunately you can't just put them in a box and put them away. You can remember the things that were good, but don't dwell on them. While you are still healing, it's best not to think of them at all. It's okay to wallow a bit and be regretful, we all do it, but don't wallow for too long. That's easier said than done.

 

What I did, after getting some advice, was to make a list of things that I did NOT like about my EX. The things he did that annoyed me, the things that made me mad, how he always had to "Win" arguments, how he didn't address major problems when I brought them up to him, how he didn't stand up for me when his family (unintentionally) hurt my feelings, etc.

 

It's not meant to make the the ex out to be some horrible monster, mine isn't and I don't think you think yours is either. Many aren't. They're human like the rest of us. But by making lists of things that bothered you about being with them or that didn't work or just plain upset you helps you not dwell too much on the good times. Then, eventually, after you are healed, you can remember the good times for what they were: Good times. And you can smile about that without feeling one way or the other about the EX.

 

It's a LONG road ahead, trust me, I'm in the middle of the storm. Your emotions or going to take you all over the place. But by doing what is best for YOU, you can speed up the process and the hurt will fade.

 

I feel the same way at the thought of dating. It feels so wrong and gross to me. I can't imagine dating anyone or being intimate with anyone who isn't my EX. If you don't want to date/have sex/rebound then don't. Take the time for YOU. That's what it's about now. Get closer to family and friends and vent. Keep a journal and write out your feelings. Even if you're not a "Writer type" just getting your feelings out in your own words onto paper/computer and out of your head helped me immensely.

 

Like Ruby65 said, this won't be instant. It's a long, tough road. But it has been done before. You're not the first. You won't be the last. Also I highly recommend the guide Ruby65 posted. I've read through all of it and the comments are great and the person who runs it replies to everything and gives incredible advice. I look at it when I'm not thinking straight or caught up in my emotions.

 

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It sucks. It sucks really hard. But you seem like such a kind, intelligent person. You will be okay.

[johan]

I'm sure the most difficult lesson we all have to learn in life is how to let people go. By far, I'd say.

 

3 years is not gone. You have the memories, and probably more important you have the lessons. Every breakup prepares you for the real relationship that is coming later with someone who, as hard as it is to believe now, is going to mean so much more to you than the one you just lost. As long as you are smart enough to take the right lessons from it. A lot of people completely misinterpret what happened and come away from it less prepared than ever to be with someone worth being with.

 

Don't rush yourself to get over it or criticize yourself too much for what happened. Give it some time. This is where hindsight really pays. You won't really understand what happened until you're well past it.

[imbax]

Thank you for the advice, I broke no contact a few hours ago asking her if our break was final and the answer was "I have thought a lot about this and it still stands". I then asked to meet her one last time before I drive off to the country, so I will be seeing her in about an hour for our final stand.

 

I guess the main points I'll be bringing up with her is:

- Why she is unhappy with us

- What she feels (anything / little / nothing)

- Does she still love me? - if yes is the answer I will be trying to convince her that it is wrong because we both love each other. If she says no, then I will give it up right then and there.

- If there is any possibility for repair.

- Memories and good times.

 

For good or bad, wish me luck, I'll update you guys the news afterwards. I'll most likely be crushed but a shot is all I have to turn the tables. If not, then it's no contact back to square one.

[TestinMice]

sorry about that,really sorry...i wish the best of luck to you!!

[imbax]

Basically we talked about the good times, had a cry together and kissed. The reason why she broke up was because of the little problems we had and that she really needed some time off to figure herself out a bit. It was for the best in the end. Long story short, we ended on good terms. It's getting late, I am sad happy but sad at the same time. Will post longer update tomorrow :/

[Ruby65]

Please stick to No Contact from now on. Block her anywhere she's not blocked -- online, on your phone, everywhere -- and all mutual FB friends as well.

 

From this point forward, ignorance is bliss. You don't want to know what's going on in her world after today.

 

Keep posting!

 

[Fufu]

Basically we talked about the good times, had a cry together and kissed. The reason why she broke up was because of the little problems we had and that she really needed some time off to figure herself out a bit. It was for the best in the end. Long story short, we ended on good terms. It's getting late, I am sad happy but sad at the same time. Will post longer update tomorrow :/

 

I hope after this you will start your own healing journey.

[imbax]

Hey guys so this is the longer version of the update so far:

 

We talked last night and she stands by her decision of the break for these reasons:

 

1. She is unhappy in the relationship (or she claims to be as I feel as if we are happy when we are together)

 

2. She cannot see a future together with me

 

3. We are different people and it is for the best because we shouldn't have to keep trying to change for each other when there are people out there who love each other for the way they are

 

4. She is sick of trying for this relationship and will do no more

 

5. She wants to feel like she is not "chained" by me when she goes out to see her friends as I commonly complain about her not putting effort into seeing me on the weekend I am back in the city after driving down from the country. <--- I get upset because she rarely organises stuff together with me and doesn't seem to miss me when I am gone for a week in the country.

 

6. She cannot be with a person who always wants to text / communicate. She told me to imagine what it would be like if I asked her to text and complained if she didn't text me back if we started a family. I told her that communication was really important and I honestly don't send her that many texts anyways. If we lived together we wouldn't have to even text each other anyway when we were married.

 

After further questioning I found out that despite her telling me throughout our past 3.5 years that she wants to get married around 30y.o. she told me that she would "like to have the option of marrying in 2 years if she wanted to". She is 24 almost turning 25 and I am 23 almost turning 24.

 

The reason the future thing bugged me was because I thought I had it sorted in my head as I am applying to become a medical student (4-5 years extra study from now will make us around 29-30 y.o). I told her I wanted to marry her afterwards and start a family together with her. She told me that that is a LONG time away and she can't wait that long because a LOT changes.

 

So despite my compromise again and again she disagreed with my portrayed future and says she cannot see us together in the future later down the line

 

I accepted that she couldn't be happy with me and we both told each other that we still love each other and agreed that the timing of this whole relationship was wrong. According to her: had it of happened a couple of years down the line when we were more settled, things may have been better.

 

In the end, I think these are just excuses to me because my belief is that if you truly love someone, you would wait forever for them. She told me that the world is not all about love, it is about being realistic and from her point of view, we don't work and do not have a concrete future.

 

In a way, I guess she has a point but the end result is she just doesn't want to be with me.

 

The saddest part of the meet up was when she told me, right after breaking up with me the other day.... she drove to the shopping centre we used to hang at and stayed there the entire day crying and reminiscing about our past. She says she still loves me but cannot be with me because she KNOWS she will be unhappy with me

 

I told her she has crushed my heart by breaking up with me because I had invested my whole world into her only to have her tear it up. She sincerely apologised and said she didn't mean to hurt me so much and it wasn't the way it was meant to end.

 

She agreed with me that I put 120% into this relationship to make it work and that it is rare to see guys put this much effort into relationships these days (I literally treated her like a princess and was ALWAYS there for her when she needed me). She also praised me saying that I am an extremely hard worker and envies me for my efforts (I work 6 days a week).

 

I thanked her that during our relationship, she has given me the full girlfriend experience and I have done everything I have ever wanted with a girl. She was happy about this and apologised for the only thing that we couldn't do due to cultural issues and that was moving in together. But other than that she fulfilled my every desire.

 

We ended on reminiscing together about our better times such as going overseas together, our first kiss, getting drunk together etc..... We ended on a high and I agreed to say 'hi' if I saw her at study areas in the future which made her happy because she was fearful I would never speak to her ever again. We both agreed that the relationship definitely ended on a 'high' and that we have good memories to remember rather than bad ones....

 

I was about to give her all the little gifts she gave me over the course of 3.5 years but she refused and told me she would be extremely upset if I threw them out or gave them back to her. So I felt bad and told her I'll keep them safe and she said she would keep the gifts I gave her safe in her room too.

 

Having studied so hard together, long endless nights at after-hours in university, and finally achieving our degrees tougher....our graduation is in 2 weeks and I agreed to take some photos with her at graduation for old times sake to remember the times we used to study hand in hand at university for long hours....

 

We kissed passionately and hugged then said our last goodbyes and that was the last I have seen of her probably for at least 2 weeks.

 

To add: she also asked me to tell her when I told my parents about the breakup AND when i received my medicine entry results in 3 weeks...because she knew I studied SO hard for that exam and I deserved to get in. So she is keen to find out what I got..... I agreed to keep her updated on this but I haven't texted her about any of these things yet (even after telling my parents that we broke up)....(I feel bad about not following my words through) <---- what should I do?

 

After the 3 hour talk which went to 1am. I could not sleep the whole night and ended up going to work at 6am on no sleep fully functioning. I guess my body is in hyperactive mode. I have had 6 hours of sleep over the past 2 days.

 

This morning I ended up breaking NC by telling her that because she still loved me and I loved her, I would wait for her to figure herself out until the day she stopped loving me. I didn't get a reply, but I knew that would have made her happy to see it.

 

I guess theres a couple of things to take from this (my interpretations of the breakup):

 

1. She is almost 25 and worried about getting married whereas I am almost 24 and haven't even begun med school yet which is why she is insecure with me and sees no future. She told me that even though I don't see it now, I will eventually realise this with time.

 

2. She is feeling encaged (even though we see each other 1-2 times a week) she feels pressurised by me and needs some time to meet the new friends at her new work without worrying about what I am thinking/feeling/upset

 

3. She said it herself that she is quite uncertain about what she actually wants and probably cannot commit???

 

4. She does not love me enough to be in this relationship

 

5. I am not husband material because I am a little too immature (as I am one year younger than her) and she would like some time for both of us to develop ourselves before jumping back into any relationship. Perhaps she wants an older man?

 

6. Realistically she is at the prime age to marry, last night for the first time ever she surprised me by telling me that she would "like the option of being married at 26/27" when she has previously said she didn't want to marry until 30/31. She added that it was not her choice because "physically" her body is ready at around that age.... I am not the right candidate because I will be still studying and she told me that she cannot see herself working full time and going out with a full time med student.

 

7. Ultimately, my belief is that she just didn't have enough love to be in there with me to the end of time.

 

My solution: I am just continuing no contact with her until further notice. I am going to give her all the space in the world to let her think over what she truly wants. I am hoping this time will help her reflect on what a great relationship we had and what a great boyfriend I had been to her all this time. I hope that when she finally gets to "freely" go out with her friends week in week out, she will miss me. I hope that if we don't get back together immediately, she will go out with another guy and realise how good of a guy I truly was to her by treating her like a princess from day 1. As they say.... "if it was meant to be, she would come back."

 

All fantasies aside....low chance of any of that happening so I am just going to figure myself out. I have seriously lost the person who I was before the relationship over these 3.5 years. We have both changed each other (for better) and I think it is good that I am taking a step back and thinking this whole thing over as a single man now.

 

Any comments or interpretations as to what had happened highly welcomed!

[Ruby65]

Hard truth: she broke up with you because she's just not into you anymore. Everything else she told you was just a way to justify/soften the blow.

 

What she's doing right now: attempting to use you to get over you by requesting you stay in contact after the breakup.

 

She wants you to stay in touch and hold her hand.... while she looks for her next boyfriend.

 

These are all classic Dumper moves.

 

Check out this guide, it will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

[imbax]

Hard truth: she broke up with you because she's just not into you anymore. Everything else she told you was just a way to justify/soften the blow.

 

What she's doing right now: attempting to use you to get over you by requesting you stay in contact after the breakup.

 

She wants you to stay in touch and hold her hand.... while she looks for her next boyfriend.

 

These are all classic Dumper moves.

 

Check out this guide, it will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Really? I just don't want to upset her, like I'm just the type of person who doesn't want to upset anyone so I just do my best to keep her happy because I love her

[Fufu]

My take on this is.

 

she is clearly not into you. Maybe, at the early stage of the relationship she probably does have feelings for you but gradually that feeling, that spark was lost.

 

 

1. She is almost 25 and worried about getting married whereas I am almost 24 and haven't even begun med school yet which is why she is insecure with me and sees no future. She told me that even though I don't see it now, I will eventually realise this with time.

I am 27 this year and my bf 5 years older than me 32 just started his own business. I don't feel insecure at all. Even if it is an age issue, if she loves you, she would be willing to wait for you.

 

 

 

2. She is feeling encaged (even though we see each other 1-2 times a week) she feels pressurised by me and needs some time to meet the new friends at her new work without worrying about what I am thinking/feeling/upset

Most girls I know would feel excited meeting their bfs, somehow in your case, I feel that she rather meet new people than you.

 

 

 

4. She does not love me enough to be in this relationship

I would say sadly yes. she probably has lost that feelings for you.

 

 

5. I am not husband material because I am a little too immature (as I am one year younger than her) and she would like some time for both of us to develop ourselves before jumping back into any relationship. Perhaps she wants an older man?

What is husband and wife material? I don't think there's a template. Don't ovethink on what she expect of you. if she wants this relationship, she wouldn't have choose to leave.

 

 

6. Realistically she is at the prime age to marry, last night for the first time ever she surprised me by telling me that she would "like the option of being married at 26/27" when she has previously said she didn't want to marry until 30/31. She added that it was not her choice because "physically" her body is ready at around that age.... I am not the right candidate because I will be still studying and she told me that she cannot see herself working full time and going out with a full time med student.

Sorry to say, I see this as an excuse. If she wants this relationship, she wouldn't use a break up to justify that she wants to be married at the age of 26/27.

 

 

Just stick with NC, be with someone who truly wants to be with you for real.