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Sorry for the length. This is a long story...

 

My ex and I were together 3.5 years, altogether we've known each other/been friends/were interested in each other for 4.5 years.

 

My ex and I started dating my freshman year of undergrad, his sophomore year. (We go to university in the US.) At the time, like many college students, I was looking forward to having freedom from high school and not living with my parents. The usual excitement that comes with that territory.

 

He really liked me and I liked him, but I was nervous about getting into a relationship too fast. A couple months into the school year, I took the leap. We were stupidly happy. My friends loved him, my family loved him, his family loved me, his friends liked me. We were a great match. Our families knew each other from a while back and we both had the same interests and life goals. He was handsome, intelligent, kind, caring, and all the rest. He was a dream and unlike any other guy who had previously been interested in me and I'm a bit picky when it comes to dating. We were each other's first real relationship and everything.

 

I got the normal "partying" college thing out of my system really quickly. I only "partied" with friends that I knew and wasn't wild, because that's just not my personality. Even so, every time we went out, (I always brought him along when I went out because I liked spending time with him) he got super overprotective and borderline possessive which really bothered me. Still, we got over it and matured and carried on. My sophomore year, he transferred to my school and switched majors (he was going to another school in the area before that). We had separate apartments but only spent one night apart that whole year. We were inseparable.

 

I have some very serious depression and anxiety problems and he knew that going into the relationship. He promised that it was okay and he was there for me no matter what. I believed him. I swore the same to him. I relied on him a lot, a mistake on my part, more than I thought, and also he thought, he could handle.

 

We moved in together the following year. I had everything teenage me wanted: A nice apartment in the city, a successful academic career, good friends, a handsome and caring man.

 

Then we started talking about more grown up stuff. We were talking about our eventual life together: planning a theoretical wedding, discussing what kind of house we eventually wanted, where we would live. That was a lot for me, a 20 year old who didn't exactly quite know what career she wanted yet or where it would take her.

 

Things got really bad with school/work. I was in an awful major program and didn't want to do it anymore, but I was so far in that I couldn't leave without wasting a ton of money. My job was terrible as well for a lot of different reasons that I now realize weren't my fault.

 

I finished out the worst classes for that major and ended up losing my job. My depression kicked in full force. This was last summer. It was the lowest point of my life up to that point. I was in a horrible place. I was borderline suicidal after what had happened to me in school, losing my job, and because of some traumatic outside factors that happened to me.

 

And then, I was feeling the pressure from him really bad. I didn't know where my life was going and we were talking about some very serious grown up stuff and it made me panic. He was forcing me to compromise a lot: I didn't want to end up living downtown in a major city out of personal preference, but he did. So I compromised. He wanted things decorated his way. He limited the time he wanted me to spend with my friends.

 

Things got more tense with our families as well. He didn't like the way my family treated me, and my family situation has always been messed up and tense, but they're my family and they do love me. I understood his feelings and felt like I had to delicately navigate his feelings on the topic in order not to set him off.

His family are very good and kind people but they made some insulting comments that hurt me. Whenever I brought it up, he told me to just let it go and stuff. It was the opposite way I was expected to act when the situation was reversed.

 

When we would fight, as everyone does, it was usually about petty dumb stuff like chores and stuff. I always realized at some point that the argument was stupid and backed down when he got too aggressive. My backing down just made him more aggressive. It scared me. I addressed it with him, and told him that needed to change. He said he'd work on it. It hardly changed. The arguments carried on with the same formula: something would ignite a fight, I would get mad, he would get mad, I got more mad, he got really aggressive, I backed down realizing it was dumb and out of fear, he got more aggressive, and eventually felt guilty for scaring me.

 

Like I said, we both were really young when we started and naive. I saw my friends doing awesome things, meeting new and interesting people from all over the world and finding themselves and what not. I became the boring girl who sat home knitting on Saturday nights. Looking back on that now, it was a dream and all I could have asked for. I just couldn't see it at the point and felt forced and pressured.

 

So last summer, feeling the pressure from everything, I told him my feelings. I told him I needed the pressure off. I didn't want to break up, but I wanted to not be focussing on such serious life stuff when we were both so young and not knowing where we were even going to end up in life yet. He took it really hard, but understood.

 

I took the time over this past fall/winter to get better and calm down. But, I know now, he pulled away from me. We still lived together and were a couple, I suppose. One night in early January he told me he didn't love me anymore but he could probably get back there again. I cried and was scared and didn't know what to do. We both admitted we didn't want to be with anyone else. That brought up another issue.

 

My friends from high school and I are still close. We have routine gatherings at me and the EX's shared apartment every few months and I was really happy that he got on so well with my friends. My best friend from that group has been my best friend for about 10 years. I threw her name out to prove there was no one we knew who we would want to be with. He got really quiet and told me of everyone he knew, other than me, he could see being with her. Not that he wanted that. I got upset, after all she is my best friend of 10 years, and told him that was impossible and would destroy my friendship with her. He agreed.

 

The spring semester started and a bit into it, I noticed him pulling away from me even more. He didn't want to spend time with me when he had down time, he would just go in the other room. He was really at his wit's end with school and work and was sinking into a bad rut. I tried to help, but he just got mad at me.

 

Right before spring break, like the day he was leaving for the week to see his family, I told him that I wanted to work on getting closer again and repairing our relationship. He agreed. This was over text since we were both gone and busy all day with work stuff.

 

That night he left to see his family. I was exhausted and not feeling well so I didn't make a huge effort to be friendly when his mom came up to help get his luggage for the week, but I didn't think I was actively rude. He left and that night he was hanging out with his brother. I wanted to talk about us, but I didn't want the attention divided between that and his brother because it was a serious conversation. I wasn't upset about it at all, so I let him go for the night.

 

The next day, I had no messages from him, which was super weird for us. I thought he was doing it to spite me and got a little mad and said something really dumb like "I can't be with someone who ignores me". Then he texted back how he was completely fine with breaking up. I was in shock. The day before he was fine with getting closer again. He said he just did that "to be nice" or something and the "way I acted" with his mom and him hanging out with his brother "made him realize" that he couldn't be with me.

 

I explained to him that the brother thing was a miscommunication. I told him how I was exhausted and not feeling well when his mom was there. It didn't matter, apparently. I did the embarrassing begging and pleading thing.

 

I went into no contact mode. I was a wreck. I couldn't eat and I was crying constantly. I wanted a second chance for a real relationship. No games, no stupid fighting, no BS. I knew we had a shot at the real thing and why not take that shot. That I forgave him for all his mistakes and was willing to start completely fresh without holding on to any of the stupid crap we both did. Every time we "Started over" in the past, we never really did. We both held on to stupid crap. I'm done with that. We're stronger together than apart.

 

He said if I said that over summer/fall he would have ecstatic. But his heart wasn't in it anymore. He literally told me a month before how he thought we could get back there.

 

I went into no contact but I broke and it just made it worse. I was back seeing family by that time and my mom told him how depressed I was and how I wasn't eating or anything. And he then reached out to me to check on me. That also made it worse. The next day, I was a bit calmer, and he contacted me without being prompted by my mom to talk to me. I told him how I was willing to be friends or whatever like he wanted. We talked on the phone and both cried for hours reminiscing about the relationship.

 

Then we got back from spring break. When he came home, we had a really emotional conversation that went on for hours. He then confessed to me how he had been texting that friend of 10 years behind my back. How it just escalated and they connected on a lot and got really close over the past few weeks. He knew my feelings on that. They cuddled at one point when I was asleep in the next room and the next morning when I had to run errands. He told her very intimate/personal details about his and mine relationship without my permission or without my knowing. It would have been one thing if he shared this with his buddies or whatever, I don't really care, but this was my best friend of 10 years. I understand friend overlap and I'm glad he and my friends get along so well, but this felt over the line to me. If it was all okay, why would they have to go behind my back? How he had been pulling away from me made a lot more sense.

 

He then said how he was willing to "go through the motions" with me to try to make it work between us. That lasted about 2 weeks. He said he was "Trying harder" than I was and "committed to something" that he just "couldn't do" when he was emotional.

I was devasted.

 

I tried explaining the logic of the situation. How he obviously still cares about me, his own admission, and we do have a real shot to try to ACTUALLY work on it and make it work. That's all I wanted was that shot. He refused. He's such an emotional person when it comes to this stuff. He expects his feelings will just fall back into place magically, instead of actively working on them. I told him that he was making a choice. That he was losing someone who loves him, and I was losing someone who doesn't even love me.

 

My friend and him were still texting. I knew it helped them both to have someone to talk to other than me and I said I was okay with it, which wasn't a lie when I said it. But after that 2 weeks where he basically didn't try, I couldn't handle it. It hurt too much. I went through my friend and explained and kindly asked it to stop. She agreed, apologized for what she did and stopped. The EX was sad, but understood. They've ceased contact. I'm trying to rebuild my relationship with my friend.

 

My depression came back full fury. I wasn't sleeping, barely eating, and was sad a lot. I still am. I've never actively sought his support, as this was a break up, after all. But he insisted. He cuddled with me, hugged me, and wants to be my emotional support system and help me through it. I told him that the only way he could help me was by being with me, which he refused. So that put us in a deadlock.

 

He basically is doing everything he did as my boyfriend without actually being my boyfriend. If I deny his help/comfort/support, he gets frustrated and angry with me.

 

I'm trying to be realistic. If this IS a break up, it should be treated like one. We tell our friends and family, we don't be each other's only emotional support system. He hasn't told his parents. He still has me listed as his girlfriend on Facebook. He has a picture of us as his cover photo, etc.

 

I made mistakes in this relationship, absolutely. We both dove into it really young and got really serious really fast. I had finally gotten better with my own issues and was opening up. The second I did that, he does this.

 

On one hand, I'm still at the point where if there was a sure fire way to get him back, I would. On the other hand, do I want to be with someone who's willing to throw away 3.5 years of us in a matter of months? Who went behind my back to text my friend in the way that he did? I don't know.

 

I'm lost and confused. He says things like "I'll let you know if I think we can ever try again, but that may be years off and I'll have to be the one to initiate." He still wants to hang out with me and be my best friend and basically do everything we did when we were together, without calling it being together. He claims it "hurts too much to be with me." He claims he's forgiven all my mistakes, but he still sees this as my fault almost completely. He feels bad for hurting me, but he refuses to see it reasonably.

 

Personally, just from knowing him, I think he cracked under pressure. I did rely on him way too much than was healthy even though he said he could handle it. But he's a human being, and it should have been my responsibility to take care of myself. His schoolwork is suffering and he's stressed to his wit's end. He doesn't have a lot of close friends because he focused on the relationship with me too much. He doesn't have a lot of people close to him to talk to, other than me which is hard on him.

 

He said he spent the last few months "getting over me", but if I turn down his support, he gets upset.

 

I'm getting a wide range of advice. Some say to be there for him, some say to "play the victim", but I refuse to manipulate him. I'm not that type of person and I can't hurt him like that. Others ask me why in the world I'm still with him after all this. Some say to focus on me, which is always pretty good advice. Some say to be a good pal to him and if he comes around, he does. If he doesn't, he doesn't. And my feelings may change too.

 

If it worked out my way, the EX and I would start clean and allow the relationship to progress, but he's not there right now. He might never be. He hasn't let go of things. He hasn't ever had to be completely alone and without me.

 

I'm clinging to the idea that maybe if we weren't so stressed with school he might come around. Things have been hard before, namely with my own issues that I've improved immensely on, but as soon as it got too real, he up and runs.

 

There are a lot of wonderful things about our relationship that I didn't mention a lot in order to explain what happened to get this point. It certainly wasn't all bad. But right now this is so difficult to navigate.

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But right now this is so difficult to navigate.
No, not really. You've been together for a long time, so he's trying to drag the separation out, so that it doesn't feel so bad.

 

You've taken your second try at it, and predictably, it didn't work out. Too bad, but sometimes, that's how it goes when you're young. You're keeping this thing that wants to die on life support, and it is in agony. You guys need to be honest about it to each other and to the world.

 

When he gets upset that you don't want/need his support, tell him that you don't care. Tell him that it is his problem and not yours. The fact that he doesn't have anyone to talk to is his problem, not yours. The fact that he hasn't told his family is his problem, not yours.

 

You need to establish some boundaries in a big way, so that you can remember this relationship's wonderful things, and not pollute your memories with the ugliness that is bound to occur.

 

What you've described sounds fairly unhealthy. You need to fix it, whether he wants that or not. You're holding both of you back.

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Sorry! Seeing the length now I should have put a summary on my part!

 

Long story short:

Ex and I dates 3.5 years. Started out when we were 18 and 20 in our freshman and sophomore years of college respectively. Great relationship, but moved really, really fast. Moved in together, started talking about really grown up stuff. Like weddings, having a house, where to live, etc. It freaked me out since we were both so young and didn't know where our educations/lives were going. I asked for a less long term thing, as in I told him I wanted to be together but without all the pressure of having to commit to a future we both had no way of being certain of. I also have severe depression and anxiety and he said he could handle it, but I relied on him too much and drove him to the brink.

Then he pulled away from me. I asked him recently to do get closer again, but he ended it. Then he confessed he'd been texting my best friend of 10 years behind my back and they cuddled while I was asleep in the next room and the next morning when I had to leave to run errands. He tried for 2 weeks to "try and make it work" but ended that when he thought that he was trying harder than he was. Which just isn't true.

Now he's basically acting like my boyfriend but refusing to call it that. I'm sad and miserable after the break up and we live together. He's trying to "help me" through it by being my emotional support system. I'm trying to be realistic. If this a break up and he doesn't want to be with me, than he can't be there for me. When I refuse his help, he gets angry.

So, I'm at a point now. I want him back, absolutely. But over the course of the relationship, which was an amazing relationship, he was manipulative and aggressive a lot of the time. So yes, I do want to be with him. I want one more shot at the long haul. On the other hand, do I really want to be with someone who went behind my back to reach out to my friend like that? And will throw me away so easily after all we had and all the promises?

 

There are more details in the long version obviously. Sorry for that length!!

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No, not really. You've been together for a long time, so he's trying to drag the separation out, so that it doesn't feel so bad.

 

You've taken your second try at it, and predictably, it didn't work out. Too bad, but sometimes, that's how it goes when you're young. You're keeping this thing that wants to die on life support, and it is in agony. You guys need to be honest about it to each other and to the world.

 

When he gets upset that you don't want/need his support, tell him that you don't care. Tell him that it is his problem and not yours. The fact that he doesn't have anyone to talk to is his problem, not yours. The fact that he hasn't told his family is his problem, not yours.

 

You need to establish some boundaries in a big way, so that you can remember this relationship's wonderful things, and not pollute your memories with the ugliness that is bound to occur.

 

What you've described sounds fairly unhealthy. You need to fix it, whether he wants that or not. You're holding both of you back.

mightycpa Thanks for replying. That's the kind of thing I need to hear right now. It would be a lot easier to get out of this if he wasn't constantly on my back. He's constantly "checking in" with me and asking me what I'm doing and how I'm doing. If I'm not "100% honest" with him constantly, he gets upset.

 

I flip flop back and forth. It's recent enough that I'm still in the storm where I wanna make it work if he does. But again, I really don't OWE him anything at this point. He lost all the privilege to knowing my feelings the second he ended it.

 

I'm starting to come to the point that we both need to fix ourselves. We both cracked under pressure from the relationship and various outside factors. We were both too codependent on each other at different times. We need to both work on ourselves. I'm moving that way, but he keeps forcing my being open and honest and stuff.

 

But you're absolutely right, I am allowing it to happen. So I genuinely do want to thank you. You're insight is very valuable.

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You and I must have dated the same guy! I went through the exact same thing.

 

My advice to you is to go strict NC. After our first breakup, he wanted to comfort me and still be there for me emotionally. But he did not want to get back together. This makes you desperate to fix it. You think if you rely on him emotionally he will see how much you are hurting and want to get back to together. Had I gone immediate NC without the begging and pleading it might have ended better for me. I tried to be friends though and ended up getting burned.

 

If he does not want a relationship with you but you still do, being friends will NEVER work out. And your friend sounds kind of shady to be texting him behind your back.

 

If you are meant to be together, it will be. He sounds emotionally controlling though and there are several red flags about him. He needs to grow up and work out his own issues before a relationship with you will work.

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darkbloom, as much as it pains me to say it, it does help to know I'm not alone!

 

I would go no contact, but we do live together so we're forced to be around each other. But I'm making steps. I don't text him when I'm out and about. I don't keep him up to date on everything I'm doing. It's not much and it's not ideal, but I'm making progress.

 

You're absolutely right, that's exactly what I did. For a good week/week 1/2, I relied on him emotionally, hoping he would see my pain and empathize, but that just made everything worse and made him want to reconcile even less. I came around and am trying to work on me now, even though that's the hardest thing I've had to do at this point.

 

I'm trying to be realistic and I told him, gently, that if this is REALLY what he wants, there will come a point where we won't be friends. He doesn't want to accept that. The situation with my friend was a complete blow. I know it sounds weird, but she is literally the last of all my friends I thought would do this. She's the nicest, most caring person of all my friends and she still did this? It's super weird, and like I said, it'll take a while to repair that friendship. She admitted it felt weird the whole time, and admitted that she knew it would "have an impact" on me but did it anyway, and was genuinely remorseful.

 

Basically, I've learned to never, ever, ever underestimate people and what they can do to you. As cynical as that sounds.

 

And you're right. There are red flags about him that initially led me to asking him not to be focussing on such long term issues such as marriage, mortgages, etc. Still, I will admit, I'm in a place where I still want to be with him. There's a lot of good things between us, and we make a great team. For now, I have to focus on me, I think. As much as it sucks. There's not much I can do for him at this point. Anything out of his mouth other than "I wanna be with you" is not helpful to me.

 

Sorry, I rambled a bit. But thank you so much for your reply. You give really good advice and insight.

Edited by SLee
Fixed a typo. :)
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darkbloom, as much as it pains me to say it, it does help to know I'm not alone!

 

I would go no contact, but we do live together so we're forced to be around each other. But I'm making steps. I don't text him when I'm out and about. I don't keep him up to date on everything I'm doing. It's not much and it's not ideal, but I'm making progress.

 

You're absolutely right, that's exactly what I did. For a good week/week 1/2, I relied on him emotionally, hoping he would see my pain and empathize, but that just made everything worse and made him want to reconcile even less. I came around and am trying to work on me now, even though that's the hardest thing I've had to do at this point.

 

I'm trying to be realistic and I told him, gently, that if this is REALLY what he wants, there will come a point where we won't be friends. He doesn't want to accept that. The situation with my friend was a complete blow. I know it sounds weird, but she is literally the last of all my friends I thought would do this. She's the nicest, most caring person of all my friends and she still did this? It's super weird, and like I said, it'll take a while to repair that friendship. She admitted it felt weird the whole time, and admitted that she knew it would "have an impact" on me but did it anyway, and was genuinely remorseful.

 

Basically, I've learned to never, ever, ever underestimate people and what they can do to you. As cynical as that sounds.

 

And you're right. There are red flags about him that initially led me to asking him not to be focussing on such long term issues such as marriage, mortgages, etc. Still, I will admit, I'm in a place where I still want to be with him. There's a lot of good things between us, and we make a great team. For now, I have to focus on me, I think. As much as it sucks. There's not much I can do for him at this point. Anything out of his mouth other than "I wanna be with you" is not helpful to me.

 

Sorry, I rambled a bit. But thank you so much for your reply. You give really good advice and insight.

 

It might sound weird, but maybe your friend was jealous of the relationship you and your boyfriend had. She probably wanted what you had or to be you so that could be why she behaved that way. Maybe she wanted to feel special. She doesn't sound like she was really concerned about anyone's feelings but her own.

 

Thankfully, I never lived with my ex but we did work together almost everyday. The best thing is to be nice and cordial but not friendly. Don't offer information about yourself. And move out as soon as you can. Having to go cold turkey off of you is going to be hard for him.

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It might sound weird, but maybe your friend was jealous of the relationship you and your boyfriend had. She probably wanted what you had or to be you so that could be why she behaved that way. Maybe she wanted to feel special. She doesn't sound like she was really concerned about anyone's feelings but her own.

 

Thankfully, I never lived with my ex but we did work together almost everyday. The best thing is to be nice and cordial but not friendly. Don't offer information about yourself. And move out as soon as you can. Having to go cold turkey off of you is going to be hard for him.

I honestly don't know her reasons. She goes to a different school a few hours away so I want to have that conversation with her, but I'd like to do it in person. The last long term relationship she was in was over a year ago. Apparently, it just escalated and snowballed. And I believe that to a degree, but I think it was more. She admitted to him (he asked her after he dumped if she ever would think about dating him) that she said she's thought of it "in passing, but it couldn't work with the situation." If it did happen, I could never forgive either of them. At this point, I don't think she wants to lose me as a friend. 10 years is a long time.

 

I don't, right now, regret moving in with him when I did. It was truly great for a while and what not. But yeah, I need to start pulling away. He needs to feel this, and knowing him he will. I'm not saying that to be mean or vindictive, I care about him too much to hurt him, but he needs to be alone. I can't be his safety net anymore.

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