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Ex contacts me 2 years later wanting me back


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WhiteKnighter

2 years ago I broke up with a long time girlfriend, we were together for 5+ years.

 

Our breakup was a LONG time coming, something that I knew wouldn't work for years and yet because I didn't know my own path in life yet, I put up with it and didn't act. There were other factors, too, like an anxiety disorder that made it hard for me to take action because I was always timid and afraid, and her ability to relate to me on that level made it hard to take off. I was not in a good place mentally, and neither was she.

 

Basically, the relationship ended because I knew we'd NEVER make it... I was basically daddy Warbucks and she was Annie. She came form a somewhat broken home, her dad left, she had some bad experiences with men, but certain traits about her, in the early days, were endearing to me.

 

However, after a year, I started to notice how codependent she was. Despite my own mental issues, I've always kept a job, did well in school, and tried my best to make a life on my own steam. She did not have this resolve, I ended up spending all my money on her, and making poor financial and life decisions.

 

NONE of this was her fault, I take full responsibility for choosing to not speak my mind, but that is just what happened. In the 3 years prior to leaving her, we weren't intimate. I told her it was because I felt she did not respect me enough to try and make something for herself, and it made intimacy impossible. That was actually the truth... I felt used.. and I wanted her to SHOW ME she cared.

 

It never happened, so I left... finally. I have never regretted leaving, not for a second.

 

She was devastated when it was over, and nothing I could do would calm her. So, I went complete NC for over a year.

 

Out of the blue, yesterday, she sends me an email apologizing that her brother hasn't come to collect the rest of her things, in addition to explaining how sorry she was for not appreciating me, that life has been empty without me, and that she hasn't been with anyone else because no one stacks up to me.

 

I responded and told her I had no hard feelings, nothing was her fault, and I was very tactful and sincere (that's the basic idea of the message).

 

However, she sent me another message and I can tell she's heartbroken still after all this time. As bad as I feel, I know I would never go back to a relationship with her. It's not that I don't care, but it feels like it'd do more harm than good to even see her to say HI given how upset she still is.

 

I don't want to be MEAN, but she's very sensitive and I don't know if I should just ignore her or what to do with this information.... I tried explaining in my original response all my thoughts - and again, I was very kind but to the point about it - but she comes back with more painful words about how lost she is without me.

 

What should I do? Should I respond? Ignore?....

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That's a tough one. In a way, I think this was her plan, send a message, he bites, send another. She's hurt and lost. However, two years has past, the hurt and lost feelings obviously run much deeper. Nobody should need anyone to help them be happy.

 

Option one, ignore. But it may be hard for you to deal with.

Option two, respond, be gentle yet firm. Something like, I'm sorry to hear you feel this way. I'm sorry I can't help you. Suggest her getting some help to work through her feelings. Say somwthing like; Being in contact with you, obviously upsets you. Let's not bring any more pain to.your healing. Best wishes.

 

Gentle yet firm. No misinterpretations.

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I think ignoring her is actually the kindest thing to do here. The alternative is to be a bit rude so as not to cause her to lead herself on anymore. If you have no interest in getting back together, then contact is only going to hurt her in the long run.

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makemehappy

Difficult :s. I wouldn't ignore her. I think you still care for her.Did you make your intention very clear, like there is absolutely no chance for the both of you? For dumpee's like her, the smallest hint of hope is the worst. I would maybe answer her again and making clear that the two of you contacting each other is not a good idea.

 

 

That you don't want to give her any hope, cos her emotions are still quite high? It must have taken her a lot of courage to contact you after being dumped and still feeling this way after all this time. I feel for her.

 

 

I think I would do something like that, but that's just me. You know her.

 

 

if it doesn't stop, you can answer one last time with a short answer, making clear that you're not going to answer anymore. You seem like a decent man. Ignoring now is going to be really hard on her

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I agree with the above advice. Be kind but firm. Make it clear that you cannot be in a relationship with her and that it's best for both of you to remain NC. I know you feel guilty, but she has to take some ownership for her own recovery. You can't help her with that as much as you might feel some responsibility. She has to make her own way now.

 

Also, she still has things at your house? What kind of stuff?

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WhiteKnighter
I agree with the above advice. Be kind but firm. Make it clear that you cannot be in a relationship with her and that it's best for both of you to remain NC. I know you feel guilty, but she has to take some ownership for her own recovery. You can't help her with that as much as you might feel some responsibility. She has to make her own way now.

 

Also, she still has things at your house? What kind of stuff?

 

The remaining items are mainly a few boxes of clothes and a couple pieces of furniture: 2 dressers and a chair.

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The remaining items are mainly a few boxes of clothes and a couple pieces of furniture: 2 dressers and a chair.

 

Do you think she still wants it? You're not a storage facility :rolleyes: If you do end up writing her back, I would say that her brother can come get the stuff or you will give it to Goodwill.

 

Anyway, I'm wondering if she knows you recently got out of a relationship and decided to email you. The timing is quite a coincidence. Regardless, I do have compassion for her, but she has to take responsibility for herself at this point.

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If you don't think it will turn into a debate, you should probably write back and thank her for her note, accept her apology, tell her all the exciting things you've been doing and lament in the nicest way possible that it seems like not much has changed on her end. Then some words of encouragement and you're out.

 

Here's my stab at that letter:

 

Dear Matilda,

 

Thanks for the email the other day, I'm sure it took a lot of courage to write. I fully accept your apologies. Water under the bridge.

 

Since we last spoke, I've built muscles, gotten rich, banged beautiful women and bought a mansion. Reading between the lines, it doesn't seem like you've taken this time apart as an opportunity to improve things for yourself quite as much. That's unfortunate, because it was exactly this sort of thing that drove me to leave. Thinking back, I see that I did the right thing for me, and I was hoping that it would have been the right thing for you too.

 

We spent a lot of time together, and I think I got to know you very well. I won't tell you what you should do with your life, but I will tell you that I know you have a capacity for more than you give yourself credit for. I'm really happy with the changes I've made, and I wish you a lot of happiness too. It's out there for you, all you have to do is decide to take it.

 

All the best,

 

WhiteKnighter

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If you don't think it will turn into a debate, you should probably write back and thank her for her note, accept her apology, tell her all the exciting things you've been doing and lament in the nicest way possible that it seems like not much has changed on her end. Then some words of encouragement and you're out.

 

Here's my stab at that letter:

 

Do NOT do this. Oh my goodness, please, no.

Her heart is broken, she still hankers for a relationship with you - and now you'd criticise her progress too, and tell her you think she's going about things in a bad way?

 

That would just crush her more. No gal with a pining heart and unrequited love wants to know how much better you're doing without her, OR how she could better herself.

 

That would just be the final nail in the coffin, and - seriously - could just propel her further 'down'.

Just totally - No.

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WhiteKnighter
If you don't think it will turn into a debate, you should probably write back and thank her for her note, accept her apology, tell her all the exciting things you've been doing and lament in the nicest way possible that it seems like not much has changed on her end. Then some words of encouragement and you're out.

 

Here's my stab at that letter:

 

You've forgotten about how I cured cancer and won a Nobel Peace Prize

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2 years ago I broke up with a long time girlfriend, we were together for 5+ years.

 

Our breakup was a LONG time coming, something that I knew wouldn't work for years and yet because I didn't know my own path in life yet, I put up with it and didn't act. There were other factors, too, like an anxiety disorder that made it hard for me to take action because I was always timid and afraid, and her ability to relate to me on that level made it hard to take off. I was not in a good place mentally, and neither was she.

 

Basically, the relationship ended because I knew we'd NEVER make it... I was basically daddy Warbucks and she was Annie. She came form a somewhat broken home, her dad left, she had some bad experiences with men, but certain traits about her, in the early days, were endearing to me.

 

However, after a year, I started to notice how codependent she was. Despite my own mental issues, I've always kept a job, did well in school, and tried my best to make a life on my own steam. She did not have this resolve, I ended up spending all my money on her, and making poor financial and life decisions.

 

NONE of this was her fault, I take full responsibility for choosing to not speak my mind, but that is just what happened. In the 3 years prior to leaving her, we weren't intimate. I told her it was because I felt she did not respect me enough to try and make something for herself, and it made intimacy impossible. That was actually the truth... I felt used.. and I wanted her to SHOW ME she cared.

 

It never happened, so I left... finally. I have never regretted leaving, not for a second.

 

She was devastated when it was over, and nothing I could do would calm her. So, I went complete NC for over a year.

 

Out of the blue, yesterday, she sends me an email apologizing that her brother hasn't come to collect the rest of her things, in addition to explaining how sorry she was for not appreciating me, that life has been empty without me, and that she hasn't been with anyone else because no one stacks up to me.

 

I responded and told her I had no hard feelings, nothing was her fault, and I was very tactful and sincere (that's the basic idea of the message).

 

However, she sent me another message and I can tell she's heartbroken still after all this time. As bad as I feel, I know I would never go back to a relationship with her. It's not that I don't care, but it feels like it'd do more harm than good to even see her to say HI given how upset she still is.

 

I don't want to be MEAN, but she's very sensitive and I don't know if I should just ignore her or what to do with this information.... I tried explaining in my original response all my thoughts - and again, I was very kind but to the point about it - but she comes back with more painful words about how lost she is without me.

 

What should I do? Should I respond? Ignore?....

 

1. Don't blame yourself for everything.

2. 2 years? It took her 2 years to send an lousy email?

 

Here's why it took her 2 years. She thought the gras was greener. She has ****ed and been with several dudes, none of them measured up to you or stood up with her bs. Now when she realizes what she lost, she comes back crawling.

 

Damn. And you still wonder what to do? Haven't you moved on? Haven't you reached the point of not even wanting her back, I mean, 2 years? If it was 2 months I would understand but man 2 years.

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Simon Phoenix
1. Don't blame yourself for everything.

2. 2 years? It took her 2 years to send an lousy email?

 

Here's why it took her 2 years. She thought the gras was greener. She has ****ed and been with several dudes, none of them measured up to you or stood up with her bs. Now when she realizes what she lost, she comes back crawling.

 

Damn. And you still wonder what to do? Haven't you moved on? Haven't you reached the point of not even wanting her back, I mean, 2 years? If it was 2 months I would understand but man 2 years.

 

Pretty sure he broke up with her.

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crazybestie101
If you don't think it will turn into a debate, you should probably write back and thank her for her note, accept her apology, tell her all the exciting things you've been doing and lament in the nicest way possible that it seems like not much has changed on her end. Then some words of encouragement and you're out.

 

Here's my stab at that letter:

 

As a dumpee , i would never want to get such email from dumper, i would rather prefer NC. Its like telling her i am glad i dumped you. So she would be devastated again. I hope she finds her answers in your silence. I was just like her , my ex did everything but i never wanted to drop my effort to get back together , he went NC and never looked back. And after coming here and meeting people i am somewhat at peace and have never contacted my ex. Just like others here said she needs to take initiative to get hold of her life , you can't be there for her all time.

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SycamoreCircle

It sounds as though her initial message was wrought with neediness. You must have sensed that. Now, you should especially not respond.

 

Everyone must find closure on their own. Nothing you say or don't say will speed her along to recovery. That's on her. And evaluating someone, two years after being out of their life, is unwarranted.

 

Let it go.

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If you don't think it will turn into a debate, you should probably write back and thank her for her note, accept her apology, tell her all the exciting things you've been doing and lament in the nicest way possible that it seems like not much has changed on her end. Then some words of encouragement and you're out.

 

Here's my stab at that letter:

 

Why would you write a letter like that to a dumpee; especially, after knowing they're still hung up on the break up 2 years later? I hope the OP doesn't take your advice that letter is cruel and unwarranted.

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Do NOT do this. Oh my goodness, please, no.

Her heart is broken, she still hankers for a relationship with you - and now you'd criticise her progress too, and tell her you think she's going about things in a bad way?

 

That would just crush her more. No gal with a pining heart and unrequited love wants to know how much better you're doing without her, OR how she could better herself.

 

That would just be the final nail in the coffin, and - seriously - could just propel her further 'down'.

Just totally - No.

 

I agree with this. Be a respectful MAN, not a monster.

 

I think you know the answer to this, respond to her nicely, tell her thank you for her thoughts, give her some positive affirmations which will empower her (without being romantic or relationship centric), and then wish her all the best with her endeavors. (the wishing all the best will be a polite capstone. It says goodbye).

 

Or just not respond at all.

Edited by fireflywy
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Why would you write a letter like that to a dumpee; especially, after knowing they're still hung up on the break up 2 years later? I hope the OP doesn't take your advice that letter is cruel and unwarranted.

 

Why? Because two years later, that poor soul still holds out hope for the past. She really needs to be disabused of this notion that the past is somehow recoverable.

 

Let's use you as an example. Two years from now, if you're still stuck on your ex, then there's only one person on earth that can help you face reality. It won't be you, and it won't be us. It will be your ex. Like all good and powerful medicine, clearly stated reality won't taste good going down, but hopefully it cures what ills the patient.

 

I suppose you'd rather she spent her life pining over the past? Maybe deciding that relationships are too hard, and you're better off alone, because the loss of love is too much to bear? Any of that sound familiar?

 

Better watch out, my friend. But for the grace of God, that might be you one day, wasting your life by wishing you could change the past rather than living the life you have. Every day is a gift not to be wasted on those who don't want you.

 

That's why. When it is fresh, yeah, that might be a little cruel. Two years later? It is needed.

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Why? Because two years later, that poor soul still holds out hope for the past. She really needs to be disabused of this notion that the past is somehow recoverable.

The thing is, after such a time, it's not always the case...

 

Let's use you as an example. Two years from now, if you're still stuck on your ex, then there's only one person on earth that can help you face reality. It won't be you, and it won't be us. It will be your ex.
No, it WILL be 'you'. If after all this time, 'you' don't get it, 'you' never will, but nobody can make you get it, but you.

 

Like all good and powerful medicine, clearly stated reality won't taste good going down, but hopefully it cures what ills the patient.

Medicines don't cure what ails. medicines alleviate the symptoms, and provide a pathway to relief, but the BODY heals the cause.

 

I suppose you'd rather she spent her life pining over the past? Maybe deciding that relationships are too hard, and you're better off alone, because the loss of love is too much to bear? Any of that sound familiar?

It doesn't matter what he'd 'rather'. That's her issue to deal with. The kindest thing is to leave well alone. She's not his problem. She's her problem.

 

Better watch out, my friend. But for the grace of God, that might be you one day, wasting your life by wishing you could change the past rather than living the life you have.
Well that would be for him to realise and heal. If you cut yourself, I can't stitch myself, to heal you...

 

Every day is a gift not to be wasted on those who don't want you.

Which is why we 'ignore' them...

 

That's why. When it is fresh, yeah, that might be a little cruel. Two years later? It is needed.

If it's in your nature to be that nasty, I would have recovered long ago...

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Why? Because two years later, that poor soul still holds out hope for the past. She really needs to be disabused of this notion that the past is somehow recoverable.

 

Let's use you as an example. Two years from now, if you're still stuck on your ex, then there's only one person on earth that can help you face reality. It won't be you, and it won't be us. It will be your ex. Like all good and powerful medicine, clearly stated reality won't taste good going down, but hopefully it cures what ills the patient.

 

I suppose you'd rather she spent her life pining over the past? Maybe deciding that relationships are too hard, and you're better off alone, because the loss of love is too much to bear? Any of that sound familiar?

 

Better watch out, my friend. But for the grace of God, that might be you one day, wasting your life by wishing you could change the past rather than living the life you have. Every day is a gift not to be wasted on those who don't want you.

 

That's why. When it is fresh, yeah, that might be a little cruel. Two years later? It is needed.

 

Two years is a long time, I highly doubt I'll be that much of a mess, but who knows lol. The best thing for OP to do here is ignore her, no need to add insult to injury. Sometimes people live to be in the company of others, love is a dangerous thing. And maybe she's right, maybe no one else stacks up to OP. People act like there are so many great people in this world to choose from, there isn't. That statement in and of itself is a reality check. Just let her be eventually she'll get the picture.

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You should respond to her with a long email explaining to her why your relationship did not work out and that the responsibility for this is on both of you. Its hard to say what the reason for her suffering is, it can be that she is hung up in the past or maybe she has low self esteem and that her self image is fcked up. If you dont respond that will set her back to square one and her suffering will be worse.

 

You should also try and give her affirmations and tell her about her good qualities. But whatever you do DO NOT give her false hope. Be very clear that you havent regretted leavin her.

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You cannot leave her hoping and wishing for ever.

Do the right thing, firm, but kind.

Tell you have moved on and that there is no hope of a reconciliation ever, do not resort to accusations and insults, there is no need to be cruel.

 

Make sure she has people there to support her, do not tell her if her parents/friends/relatives/roommates have just gone off on holiday leaving her alone, for instance, wait till they all come back.

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