Relapse, I could really use insight :(

[makemehappy]

Hi beautiful people,

 

I could really use some different point of views from you guys.

My ex broke up with me, 10 months ago, after a 5 year RS. I have been devastated ever since and trying hard to move on. A month after the BU I told her that I couldn't take the confusion anymore (it was all very emotional and cofusing

with the mixed signals, hot and cold). I asked if we could work on the RS or otherwise we had to stop with this nonsense; cos it was killing me.

 

She needed to 'detach' (her words) from me. So I did. I gave her all the detachment she could ask for. I didn't contact her once since

that day. The first few months after that, she contacted me every month But never questions, but indirect ways:letter, card, ... So I blocked and deleted her on allmost everything. She even had the guts to send me a letter, before she left on the half year holiday we we're supposed to go on together. Saying that I'm still her one and great love.

All her actions have been quite selfish; all me, me, me. She stopped contacting me in the holiday season.

 

So now again she has sent me an email. Asking questions about my family , that she thought long before even sending it. That I should delete the email if I didn't wanted to hear anything from her. But that she really really liked to have contact again!

 

I was expecting something from her again, due to what she wrote in the letter. Because she didn't accept the fact that I wanted NC, I can't find that peace. So I decided to answer the email. To stop it. I told her that I'm fine(lie) and busy. But if this contact was only in a friendly way=> I'm not interested.

Her answer was: she is happy that I'm fine and she is curious what I've been doing. For her it's only for friendship, she hopes that will change on a given moment.and that she prolonged her holiday.

 

I thaught I was strong enough, but I'm clearly not. Now the thing that hurted the most was how she reacted. The interaction was business like/cold. Like I'm small minded by not accepting her contact. She ends it with: have a fantastic spring!! Literally like that.

 

I don't understand how she can go from writing you're my great love,...etc a few months ago To being so cold. Like it was just a business deal that failed;' oh well' .

We have just shut the door for any reconciliation (friends or lovers). And after knowing her for 7 years, she ends it with: enjoy spring!!? And she 'needed' to detach, though she is the one who keeps contacting me and asking for friendship. And after all the she has put me through ( I'm not gonna write all the details, not interesting for you guys) she thinks she can 'catch up' while she is sipping pina colados on some beach.

 

I'm sorry for the long thread. I'm just sad en disapointed once again. I could really use some insight. I was sooo fond of her and now I don't even recognise her. It makes me wonder if any of the RS was true

[Elliotte]

She really seems oblivious to the pain the breakup caused you and is still coming to you for her own self serving reasons. You need to get her hooks out of you and tell her as directly as possible that you never want to hear from her again so you can truly start to move on with your life.

[Poppyolive]

Don't allow her to do this anymore. Put a stop to it now. Take control. Don't let her drive the rollercoaster ride you have on, any longer.

 

Block everything and change numbers/emails if needed.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. She's obviously in a very different place to you, this being insensitive and selfish.

[makemehappy]

I'm sorry for the link in the thread, That's not supposed to be their. my siblings also recommends me to send something firm. They think that she will continu to contact again after some time.

 

 

I have thought about this, to send something back like: I really think you should let go of the concept of becoming friends again. I've told you this during the RS and last summer that this is not an option for me nor will it ever be. Especially after everything that happened and the way you have handled things in a selfish manner, IMHO.

Or something like that.

I didn't yet cos;

She doesn't want to see the pain she has caused me, like you said. After all this time she didn't even say sorry for the way things ended. Even during the BU, one night, she got really pissed/irritated cos I was crying and really sad. anyways I have the feeling that she truely blindly believes that eventually will be friends.

2/ It really goes against every fibre in my body, cos I loved her so much and I feel that I have to act like the dumper. She dumped me on the worst timing, she ignored the fact that contact from her is too painful. So I'm ignoring, blocking..since the BU. During the BU, I eventually had to cut things of cos she was not being fair to me. I was afraid that she was going to string me along until she left. She even invited me for her 'going away party' for the holiday we we're going to do together :s.

 

 

To sum it up,I'm scared if I send something again, I will expect answer or feel like I'm closing the door once again, a door that I never wanted to close in anyway. I'm sick of her being a coward. She wants to know so badly how I am, but she is too chicken **** to even pick up a Phone to ask.

[makemehappy]

thank you allready for the replies, it's comforting. Thank you, the advice and insight is really appreciated

[ZiggyZoo]

I say don't send anything. She'll see any communication from you as a sign that you've accepted her terms and are OK with being friends. Telling her how you feel isn't going to matter now. If she didn't care about your feelings then, how has she changed now? She still sounds like the same selfish person she used to be.

 

The only way that people like her get the message is by not responding at all. They aren't looking at the content of the message, they're looking at the act itself. I'd block her and ignore. And continue to block and ignore.

[makemehappy]

That's why I was doubting. I don't think that letting her know once again is going to help. I've told her and ignored her for a long time. I thought the message would be clear. Even Mutual friends have adviced her to leave me alone, cos I asked for it.

 

 

Sometimes I just don't know what to think or do anymore. Family, friends..all have their opinions and the BU really was out of the blue for me. So after a lot of thinking and pining, I start to doubt myself or it's start to get difficult to think clear.

[ZiggyZoo]

You know her better than anyone else giving advice, I'd guess. What does your gut say?

[mightycpa]

This chick sounds like one of those girls who can't understand why you might not want to be her pal. She sounds like the kind of girl who, without a proper goodbye, will haunt you every now and again endlessly.

 

Obviously, you can't have that. So what you need is a letter with no bitterness, but explaining the facts of life to someone who you're going to have to treat as being a little too dense to take a hint. You're going to have to club her over the head with the truth.

 

Dear Matilda,

 

I am in receipt of your last correspondence. It's funny, I got to know you pretty well during the time we were together, but since we've been apart, I had forgotten how to communicate clearly with you. I had forgotten just how direct and honest you are, and how you need that same direct and honest communication from those who know you.

 

In my last note, I tried to gently suggest that I wasn't interested in further contact. You didn't seem to take the hint, and I'll take full responsibility for that. So let me try again, by being direct.

 

Remember how you said you needed to detach from me? Two things about that - first, apparently you haven't done a good enough job of it, because you seem to want to stay connected. Second, I need to detach too, and you're not letting me.

 

I don't want to be your friend. I don't want you back in my life. I want you to be a memory, nothing more, and one that gets more distant by the day. I don't care what you do with your life, and I can't imagine why you'd want to know anything about mine. I don't want to have to introduce you to my girlfriends, and I don't want to hear from you out of the blue every so often. It's not pleasant for me, and I want things between us to be pleasant. The best way to do that is to not know each other.

 

Hopefully I've been clear. It was fun while it lasted, but now that it's over, it's not fun any more.

 

Have a nice life. I'll do the same.

 

All the best,

 

makemehappy

 

PS - please don't write back to complain to me about this. take it out on your friends instead

[makemehappy]

My gut tells me to leave it like this. It's not in my nature to be harsh against her, or any person I really care for.

 

 

The thing with my ex is, it may sound as an excuse, but she had a rough childhood ( a parent had severe psychological problems) She developped this kind of 'coping' mechanisme, I guess, which is: she doesn't cope, she never stops to work through emotions. she just goes and goes. For example:Her father died a few years ago, just like that. I don't think she ever really took the time to grieve. She would cry for 5 minutes, and after that she didn't want to talk about it. I know people have their own way of grieving, but it's just an example.

 

 

I used to know her for 110 %.

 

 

So I don't know if I she just turned in a selfish cold person, that she is not the person I thought she was or she actually going through a hard time, but as allways expresses this in a very odd way. I really don't recognise this insensitive sight of her. So I guess if there is even the slightest chance, that she is really not ok at the moment, I don't want to contribute to it. Even though she has hurt me and disapointend me like no other, I will surely regret acting like this to her.

 

 

This may sound like I'm being naieve or a wuss, but I just don't want to believe/see that she is so selfish. I've allready mistaken myself in a lot of people, I don't want her to be one of them, although her actions are not showing me this.

[mightycpa]

You know what? That's fine. But get a reply like this ready, and hold onto it.

 

Send it when you need it again. Hopefully you never will, but it is better to be prepared now.

[makemehappy]

mightycpa are you in an angry phase? I don't know your story, but

I guess your ex is named Mathilda. It's the second letter I read on loveshack this evening

[makemehappy]

I'll hold on to it, I do enjoy the effort you spend to write these letters

[Cinnamonstix]

It sounds like you want to leave the door open, and you're making excuses for leaving it ajar.

 

But the bottom line is, it's coming up on an entire year of being hung up on someone that has not added any value to your life since the RS ended. Life is too short as it is. If you don't want to give a firm, verbal "don't-contact-me-ever-again good-bye" type of message, you really should block all methods for her to contact you. It makes you feel bad knowing she might reach out, and you feel worse when she actually does. I bet you the moment you stand up for yourself and take control of the situation, you will feel a great sense of relief.

 

The route you have taken so far has not worked for you. Time to take another.

[makemehappy]

Thank you for your reply but I don't really agree with what you're saying. I have been doing much better since the beginning. I was a wreck, and I'm not anymore. I'm not trying to leave a door open, I've closed it last summer by saying: You will never hear from me again, I won't be in contact with your friends anymore, this is it etc. I did change my email adress, I blocked her on my Phone, I deleted her from social media, as everyone who is connected with her (friends). I went on my old email adress while I was searching for something. She's been asking where I'm living (she doesn't know)..so the're not many ways she can still contact me.

 

 

Yet again the door is closed, now after this interaction. And even so, when doors are closed, they can open again. Not necessarily for my story, but in general, I've seen it before.So I'm not keeping the door open. I don't want to shut again and again. I just don't want to expose myself again; I'm not over her, clearly. But I don"t think that's weird for a first RS and longterm one including my personal circumstances. I've been in NC cold Turkey for 9 months, so no I'm not keeping the door open

[ZiggyZoo]

My gut tells me to leave it like this.

 

 

Then that's what you should do. But block her from everything too, so this is truly done. It speaks well for your character that you're concerned about her, or hurting her, but you aren't in her life in that capacity anymore. In fact, you're trying not to be in her life anymore, but she's not respecting that. This is you acting in your best interests.

 

ETA: Just saw your latest post. Good for you, keep doing what you're doing. Good luck!

[mightycpa]

mightycpa are you in an angry phase? I don't know your story, but

I guess your ex is named Mathilda. It's the second letter I read on loveshack this evening

I get a little irritable during tax season.. maybe you're onto something!:p

 

I'm not angry, and no, Matilda was not her name. Your story simply reminded me of the one that would not let go! That probably touched a nerve. But thank you for inquiring about my well being.

 

You said you didn't want to be too harsh, and I've told this story on here before, but I actually ended up letting her make these big plans to show off her life with new husband to me, as if I actually cared. Big luncheon, tour of the house, etc., etc., etc... OMG! So, I agreed to all of it, the cracked claws, the fine bubbly, jacket and tie, the whole thing.

 

Then I stood her up. Now that's harsh, don't you think? Anyway, it worked. I never heard from her again.

[Chi townD]

Thank you for your reply but I don't really agree with what you're saying. I have been doing much better since the beginning. I was a wreck, and I'm not anymore. I'm not trying to leave a door open, I've closed it last summer by saying: You will never hear from me again, I won't be in contact with your friends anymore, this is it etc. I did change my email adress, I blocked her on my Phone, I deleted her from social media, as everyone who is connected with her (friends). I went on my old email adress while I was searching for something. She's been asking where I'm living (she doesn't know)..so the're not many ways she can still contact me.

 

 

Yet again the door is closed, now after this interaction. And even so, when doors are closed, they can open again. Not necessarily for my story, but in general, I've seen it before.So I'm not keeping the door open. I don't want to shut again and again. I just don't want to expose myself again; I'm not over her, clearly. But I don"t think that's weird for a first RS and longterm one including my personal circumstances. I've been in NC cold Turkey for 9 months, so no I'm not keeping the door open

 

 

You're NC and yet, you've responded to her emails.

 

 

Okay, gloves are coming off. here comes the 2x4 to the back of the head.

 

 

It was easy to do NC when she's a holiday for MONTHS! And she now contacts you to inform you that she's staying even longer! Why? Because she met someone there and wants to spend more time! So, why contact you and want to keep the lines of communication open and a possible friendship? Because she can't stay there forever and she will eventually have to come back home. So, HELLO MISTER BACKUP PLAN! Don't be that guy.

 

 

Stay silent. If you stay NC you give her nothing! She doesn't know if you hate her. She doesn't know where your head is at. She doesn't know if you've heard what she's been doing while she's been away. You leave her in the dark!

[Orange floor]

but consider why you need to do anything other than concentrating on "me", yes do stuff for me without thinking any more about her and the break up. Its gonna be hard but why do you need to cut the ties, read her letters her emails but you do not need to do anything with them least of all reply to them. transfer the negativity away from yourself. let her wonder about what she does not know do positive stuff that gets others talking about you - if you had mutual friends ensure they know you are swing from the rafters not hanging from them.

 

never give up on the life you have not yet lived - it might just be a joyous surprise

 

be good to yourself

[makemehappy]

Chi townD ,

 

 

You're right. NC was finally easier cos she was gone. I know cos she wrote it to me in the letter. Because the plans we're first 'ours', I had a suspicion that she would be gone for 5-6 months. So now 5-6 months later, she writes me. I was expecting it as she has stated in her letter: 'you're my only reason to come back, I hope with whole my heart I can see you again etc' (drama).

Anyways, you're post got me thinking.

And she is doing it again, so I won't forget her. The letter itself was all quite selfish, really. 'I wanted to write you, I'm really going on holiday on my own!, I'm really worried about you, I I I I I I:lmao:.

So I remember discussing it with somebody, and it was just a letter with the content I already knew, showing that she didn't change and making sure I won't forget her.

As my therapist said (I went to therapy in the beginning): It's like she's feeding you know and then, like you do with ducks in a pond. She just keeps feeding you every now and then.

She yet again wrote me info I don't want to know: prolonging the holiday. It's the only personal informations she wrote. And I went for it

 

 

The posts about: HELP my ex contacted me! are massive. I've read some of those some time ago. I had it in the back of my mind, cos peoples advice is almost Always the same: leave it or make sure you can't be friends. But make sure that you can handle whathever your ex is going to say. So I did, and probably shouldn't. If I had known that she is still abroad, I would haven never sent something back.

 

 

I really want to move on with my life, I do. But doesn't kill the slightest hope I apparently still have. I dont want to be the person who wanders for her first love or keeps loving someone who is treating me badly or not respecting my decisions. By the way I haven't mentioned that I'm not a guy, but a 25 year old lady .

thanks for the insight! and sorry for the spellingmistakes, english is not my native language

[makemehappy]

mightycpa ,

I understand your frustration now. That's really sad, that your ex has treated you this way. IMHO, they just want to validate that they did the right thing, meaning: dumping, having a great new life thereselfves but still keeping friends with the one person they dumped. 'the dumpee is even happy for me!! You see? I made the right call; I'm awesome '

 

 

Or they find themselves so fantastic, that they can't understand that you don't want/need them in your live anymore.

 

 

I don't know the details of your story, but I sure as hell understand your argumentation.

I hope she never bothers you again in the future.

[Miss Sisyphus]

"For her it's only for friendship, she hopes that will change on a given moment."

 

What does this mean?

[makemehappy]

I wrote in the email: that I'm not interested if her reaching out again is only for friendship. She wrote: 'For me it would be indeed only for friendship. It's a shame that this is not an option for you. I hope that this will change in time.'

 

 

I think the above is a better translation. I'm sorry if it wasn't clear.

She has wrote something like that to me before. I don't think that she understands. I litteraly told her 9 months ago that I couldn't take it anymore and that it's better that we part ways and don't see eachother anymore. Friendship is a big No no for me, I just can't. I didn't contact her once since that moment, and gradually deleted her from everything.

I would only consider contact with her for reconciliation, even though I'm not 100 % sure anymore, at the moment, if I would like to have a her back. After all that has happened.

 

 

She has mentioned before: that she understands that I don't want contact. 6 months ago. She thought that I had blocked her on my Phone ( she told an 'Mutual friend' who actually talks to me more now). This friend also recommended her not to send me a letter, months ago, cos I didn't want contact.

Anyways I hope that the sentence is clear now;)

Edited April 19, 2015 by makemehappy