Fiance left me, weeks before marriage

[dangerbang]

Hi all

I'm hoping some of you will take the time to read this, i'm in a dire situation right now.

 

A week ago today, I was on vacation with my then fiance, now it's all over and I'm a broken man.

 

We had been going out 2.5 years. Our relationship was rocky I guess as we fought a lot, I think it's due to both of our characters, but it started off amazing as usual and we fell head over heels in love. We had so much in common, really unusual stuff, that it just felt like kindred spirits and soul mates etc.

 

While on holiday, I wasn't being too nice to her. I was hungover most days and snappy and wasn't taking care of her needs. I was rude. She was also bad to me for a long time, came in spurts, it was always very up and down for both of us. It was her idea to get married, it was almost given as an ultimatum as it was never something I really wanted, but I loved her and I was looking forward to it.

 

I think as time went on, and I got upset about her constant mood swings, verbal attacks etc. that I just lost respect for her, and myself. I believe resentment set in on both sides, and I started just not caring about her feelings or taking her seriously.

Anyway, she had enough last week and walked out. Went to the airport and flew away. It had started a couple of nights before that - she started breaking down crying in a bar I was in with my family, and my brother had enough of it and snapped at her, telling her to get over it, and that people die all the time. Her dad passed away last year and her mother went years ago. She had a difficult childhood too. I think he was way out of line, but he has spent a lot of time with her, and seen her snap at me, and had to carry her out of bars crying etc, I think he was just fed up with it.

 

The next days she was very uncomfortable where we were staying, and I didn't attend to that. She didn't want to be around my brother but I was almost kind of defending him for what he did because I was just sick of all the drama too, about everything.

 

So then she left.

 

I pleaded with her after that about how we can change things, get counselling, work things out, try new ways, but she wasn't interested. Just angry at me and telling me there's no way back.

 

She's gone now a week. The apartment we were buying has been cancelled, she cancelled the buy and got back the deposit. I packed up all her stuff for her, left the house, and she collected it yesterday. I haven't heard from her since. She's had to deal with a couple of financial issues with my parents but that's all. It's 100% over - she had no interest in my attempts to mend things.

 

I can't stop beating myself up about my behaviour on holiday. I really can't. I have ruined everything and I'll never see her again. I was living in hope she might miss me and come back but it's not happening. She's moved out and I'm not even sure where she's living. I'll never know. I'll never hear from her again. All our plans are gone. No wedding. No honeymoon. There's a wedding dress somewhere that she had fitted that I'll never see.

 

I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I've a week off work now thank god so I'm just hanging out in the house and trying to meditate, as my dad advised, and reading about how to move on.

 

Can anyone offer any advice? I still have a glimmer of hope that I'll improve myself and maybe bump into her one day and she'll want me again, but that's just ridiculous. Not going to happen really, but my mind wont let go of it.

 

How can I heal and stop beating myself up for mistakes? I know it doesn't boil down to my behaviour on holiday really, that was just one incident, but I keep reliving it and seeing what I should have done different.

 

This is a living nightmare. I'm racked with pain and guilt and feel like she hates me. The messages from her since breakup were not good. I hate you - you freak, etc etc. On the other hand I've been nothing but polite and reasonable and apologetic. I think it's a bit harsh as I had to put up with so much from her, a hell of a lot, most men wouldn't but I always had hope for us.

 

I'm 35, I've been through heartache before, but nothing like this - I never had the rest of my life planned out with someone - we were going to try and have kids after the wedding. So this is bad.

 

Any advice would be much welcomed.

 

Thanks

Edited April 13, 2015 by dangerbang

[Harold of Andraste]

Sounds like you two were not good for each other.

 

Better for it to end now then 10 years down the line with kids.

[dangerbang]

Sounds like you two were not good for each other.

 

Better for it to end now then 10 years down the line with kids.

 

I'm aware of that. Others have told me this too. She has some serious issues, and is often in a very dark place, and took it out on me regularly. It caused me to be dismissive of her sometimes, i just got fed up with it, and killed the romance, but I still loved her.

 

All is fair in love and war - but I feel like the fact that I never walked out on her, after all that nonsense I had to put up with, ends up like this - is just totally unjust.

 

She wont be able to go out with anyone in her current state. A man is not the solution to her problems or will not make her happy. She really needs help and counselling. I stood by her though, and many wouldn't. I guess I should have been more encouraging in her getting help etc, but I guess I'm not qualified for that either.

 

My main problem is killing my thoughts - a part of me knows I'll probably come out of this stronger and with no regret, but another part is panicking and missing her like crazy. I just wish I could shut my brain down.

[Diezel]

#1: It's not your place to say if she is ready to be with someone else or not. That's up to her now. Your lives are absolutely separate.

 

#2: Don't turn your brain off, you HAVE to go through this in order to move past it.

 

#3: Once you realize that you two absolutely were TERRIBLE for each other and it's better that this happened now rather than after assets would have been involved and maybe even children, the better off you will be.

 

#4: Also realize that some of your pain is based on her just getting up and leaving your life. It's a little harder to do when you are the dumpee versus the dumper, because you need to come to terms with what happened later than the dumper has.

 

Right now what you need to do is spend some time alone but also spend some time with family and friends. You need to balance that and also you need to re-learn how to be alone.

[dangerbang]

#1: It's not your place to say if she is ready to be with someone else or not. That's up to her now. Your lives are absolutely separate.

 

#2: Don't turn your brain off, you HAVE to go through this in order to move past it.

 

#3: Once you realize that you two absolutely were TERRIBLE for each other and it's better that this happened now rather than after assets would have been involved and maybe even children, the better off you will be.

 

#4: Also realize that some of your pain is based on her just getting up and leaving your life. It's a little harder to do when you are the dumpee versus the dumper, because you need to come to terms with what happened later than the dumper has.

 

Right now what you need to do is spend some time alone but also spend some time with family and friends. You need to balance that and also you need to re-learn how to be alone.

 

Thanks. When it was good it was the best though, I've never experienced anything like it. I really can't fathom being with someone else again right now. Looking back now she was always telling me she didn't like me, or want to be with me, but then would say the complete opposite later on. So I eventually stopped taking her seriously. On top of this she arranged a marriage almost on her own. It makes no sense. I wish I could have a brain transplant right now

 

I guess it wasn't meant to be and we weren't good for each other but I just don't know how to stop thinking about it, that's my main problem.

[Diezel]

It was a few days ago. It's perfectly natural to still be thinking about it consistently. You can't just drink it away or forget it away or anything of the sort. Meet those feelings head on.

 

I know you want to meditate. But you also need to keep your self occupied.

 

Go do stuff. Go live life. Have lunch with a friend. Have dinner with your parents. Just do.

[dangerbang]

It was a few days ago. It's perfectly natural to still be thinking about it consistently. You can't just drink it away or forget it away or anything of the sort. Meet those feelings head on.

 

I know you want to meditate. But you also need to keep your self occupied.

 

Go do stuff. Go live life. Have lunch with a friend. Have dinner with your parents. Just do.

 

yeah, there's not much I can do except go to the gym, which is something I had been doing anyway.

 

Most of my friends don't live here anymore. Not the ones I can talk to about this stuff anyway. My parents live abroad.

 

So it's hard. I've exams starting on Thursday that I was supposed to be studying for when away, and this week, but I just can't focus. Not at all.

[Poppyolive]

Its probably best that she left. Sounds like a big toxic mess. She was right not to stay with someone whom disrespected her and frankly not care. I think its your ego that's hurting.

 

You say you want change, be better, I think its too late. Treating her like that on holidays & not having her back when your brother told her to "shut up, people die". How insensitive.

 

Get some help and figure out why you treat people the way you do.

[Satu]

When two people can't get along peacefully, there's no point being together.

[dangerbang]

Its probably best that she left. Sounds like a big toxic mess. She was right not to stay with someone whom disrespected her and frankly not care. I think its your ego that's hurting.

 

You say you want change, be better, I think its too late. Treating her like that on holidays & not having her back when your brother told her to "shut up, people die". How insensitive.

 

Get some help and figure out why you treat people the way you do.

 

I'm aware I wasn't there for her. Did I mention she cheated on me last year, convinced me it was my fault, convinced her friends and others it was my fault, and that she physically attacked me probably 50 times? And I stayed around hoping things would change? Do you blame me for being sick of her sh*t?

 

I'm looking for help on how to move on. Not judgement.

[Cinnamonstix]

When someone is wrong for you, you will bring out the worst in each other. Forgive yourself. You will find someone who brings out the best in you, and you in her

[Hawaii51]

You got grazed by a crazy-B-bullet. Take your time, let it heel, and be grateful. Now, stop messing around with loaded half-cocked women

[dangerbang]

Mods - can this be removed? I actually can't bear to see this stuff on the internet. Thanks.

[WhiteKnighter]

I feel your pain, sir. Maybe not altogether because you were engaged, but I know what it's like to lose someone you care about even if there were issues.

 

There's many ways of looking at this, but i'm going to use this expression: you're either willing to work on the relationship, or you're not. In order for things to work out or get resolved if there's trouble, BOTH people need to be 100% invested in trying to make it work.

 

You clearly were more willing to put in time and effort to resolve whatever difference or conflicts existed; she was not. That is why she walked away.

 

I realize it is hard, but try not to take this as a personal hit to your ego by having her leave. She probably didn't leave because of you, or at least not JUST you. In life, there are so many factors that go into a decision like this. Your family, the history, her goals, etc. Of course, having her simply WALK OUT suddenly without explaining in full is very unkind on her part, but from the sound of things she had issues with her past and she probably got very very scared of what she was getting herself into.

 

Like I said, some people can look past issues and see the light at the end of the tunnel.. I am like that, and it seems like you are, too.

 

Neither one of these approaches is right or wrong: walking away vs staying. However, you're probably feeling sad and confused because you don't 'get' her reasons. Honestly, right now, I DOUBT she understands it either. She got scared, and she left.

 

Whether she comes back is anyone's guess, but I can tell you right now that the last thing you should do is pry at her, ask for her back, etc. It may not be possible to feel 'GOOD' about it right now, but that's because you're still feeling confused about the 'why'.

 

For now, assume there is no 'why'. She probably doesn't understand her reasons, so it's impossible for you to do that either. In time (weeks, months, etc), she MAY get a better understand of her feelings. In that time, yeah, she may come back... she may realize that she was overreacting, OR she's spend the time apart from you and realize that, really, it was for the best.

 

I truly hope that she figures it out soon, because you don't deserve to feel strung on.

 

In the meantime, you should try and focus on building a new life without her. I'm not saying burn all her stuff in the backyard, but the bottom line is: right now, whatever happens is going to happen REGARDLESS of how you act or feel. The only bad decision you can make is to punish yourself into a depression. By doing so, the outcome will not change, only your current state of mind.

 

So as hard as it is, for now, try to think 100% about yourself... do whatever the heck you want... and IF she chooses to try again, you can address it when the happens. If not, you'll be no worse off because you're already building a great life for yourself.

[dangerbang]

I feel your pain, sir. Maybe not altogether because you were engaged, but I know what it's like to lose someone you care about even if there were issues.

 

There's many ways of looking at this, but i'm going to use this expression: you're either willing to work on the relationship, or you're not. In order for things to work out or get resolved if there's trouble, BOTH people need to be 100% invested in trying to make it work.

 

Thanks. That's the thing though, she did suggest talking etc. But it always just seemed to be her telling me things I was doing wrong. I'd just say I had no problems with her really and that we just had to try and control ourselves and get on better. I must have got fed up with all the ups and downs. I was sick of it. I didn't try hard enough but neither did she. I needed a slap in the face, but it's too late now.

 

I wont contact her again. Had to message a bit yesterday to arrange her collecting her stuff, but I made sure I wasn't here for that. There's no other reason to talk again. I'm under no illusions that she's coming back at all, that'd be plain stupid. I think now that if we sought help, together and as individuals, and implemented some plans, we could be a good couple. She obviously doesn't think so or is not in love with me. She actually said "I'm not in love with you" the other day in a message, but a week before she was very much so and wanting to marry me. So she's probably not, but I could never figure her out.

 

I'll try and build a new life now, I know I'll get through it, I'm strong and pretty confident. Also getting women has ever been a problem, I just never meet ones like her that I have such a connection with, I'm a good looking fella if I say so myself!

 

I'm already worrying about missing her even more in the future - so my mind is running amok. Stopping these ridiculous thoughts is my main goal at the moment, hence the meditation and Eckhart Tolle etc. If I can stop that stuff then I guess I can start behaving normally and getting on with life.

 

This has been a right kick in the balls.

[Poppyolive]

I'm aware I wasn't there for her. Did I mention she cheated on me last year, convinced me it was my fault, convinced her friends and others it was my fault, and that she physically attacked me probably 50 times? And I stayed around hoping things would change? Do you blame me for being sick of her sh*t?

 

I'm looking for help on how to move on. Not judgement.

I'm not blaming you for anything.

I'm simply pointing out that you both hold each other in contempt. When that enters a relationship it is doomed. this new information it shows you both rode out the relationship, longer than intended. Problem, issues, events kept piling up. You both treated each other badly. But you are the one writing here, so with moving forward, you need to view why you behaved the way you did, especially that you are now regretful and apologetic. So, you don't take it into a new relationship. If she were to write here, I'd advise her the same thing.

 

Yes, it is super shjitty she cheated on you and attacked you. But why concern yourself with that now? That was last year, you are both no longer together. Its not normal to have a relationship, like you've described. That much hate and anger, has no place in a relationship. Between two people that love each other.

[dangerbang]

I'm not blaming you for anything.

I'm simply pointing out that you both hold each other in contempt. When that enters a relationship it is doomed. this new information it shows you both rode out the relationship, longer than intended. Problem, issues, events kept piling up. You both treated each other badly. But you are the one writing here, so with moving forward, you need to view why you behaved the way you did, especially that you are now regretful and apologetic. So, you don't take it into a new relationship. If she were to write here, I'd advise her the same thing.

 

Yes, it is super shjitty she cheated on you and attacked you. But why concern yourself with that now? That was last year, you are both no longer together. Its not normal to have a relationship, like you've described. That much hate and anger, has no place in a relationship. Between two people that love each other.

 

Well it's quite raw now so it's all I can think about. I am 100% aware of my bad behaviour and it's all I can think about right now. She seems to think this is all my fault, I hope at least that she comes to terms with reality eventually - but then again who cares really, you're right.

 

The biggest issue I face is just missing her and never seeing her again. It must be something like what bereavement feels like. I guess only time heals. I could quite possibly run into her though as we live in the same city and work close to each other. It wont happen for a few months at least but she's definitely going to be based out of a place quite near my job then.

Hopefully by then I'll be able to see her and all feelings will have passed. Either that or I'll have a stroke at the sight of her, yikes.

[Poppyolive]

Yes, it will take time. It is really hard. You'll need to take good care and not torment yourself.

[dangerbang]

Yes, it will take time. It is really hard. You'll need to take good care and not torment yourself.

 

Is it normal to have zero interest in other women for a while? I honestly can't see myself being attracted to anyone or wanting to find women for a long time. I know that after her last ex she went out and slept with loads of guys within days, weeks, etc.

I'm just assuming the worst that she has already done so or will very soon. For some reason it doesn't bother me at least. That's got to say something.

[frigginlost]

Is it normal to have zero interest in other women for a while? I honestly can't see myself being attracted to anyone or wanting to find women for a long time. I know that after her last ex she went out and slept with loads of guys within days, weeks, etc.

I'm just assuming the worst that she has already done so or will very soon. For some reason it doesn't bother me at least. That's got to say something.

 

Absolutely 100% normal!

 

I'm six months out of being dumped by a cheater, and the last thing on my mind is dating anyone.

 

In fact, I will not date anyone for a good year. I'm learning to live again and trying to rebuild my self esteem while learning to love myself again.

 

I don't want a single short cut. I want to purge my body and mind correctly. It is simply not fair and evil to someone else if a person is not 100% over the previous partner...

[FortunateSon]

I have been in very similar situation to you, engaged, toxic/angry/resent filled relationship, ending up with her leaving. Although I started to date a month after our break up, it took me a year to develop feelings for another woman. It may seem like meeting someone new right now would fix everything, be honest with yourself a realize you are likely not in the place for that. Focus on yourself, try to feel and accept what you are dealing with. My ex moved on very quickly after our split, which upset me,mbut I also realized it was not my problem any more and I was free of the poisonous relationship I was in. I blocked what I could and have ignored any contact since. You will eventually realize this a blessing and that will save you a lot of pain, aggravation, and money in the future.

[dangerbang]

Christ. I feel so much better today. For any of you in similar situations try headspace.com It's working for me, something is anyway.

 

Today I feel good. It's only been a week and I actually am starting to come around. It's becoming much clearer that we were a bad couple and she had issues that I couldn't deal with. Yesterday I spent the whole day blaming myself but now I'm realising she put herself in that situation by mistreating me, right from the start she was flipping out. Even on our first two dates she kind of got mad at me, but I just thought it was all part of this person I was falling in love with so brushed it aside.

 

How could I ever live with this volatility again? I couldn't, the stress!

 

She messaged me last night looking for some money she lent me last week, asking could I transfer it. I found it petty as for probably half the time I knew her I was paying her rent and paying for a lot of stuff, and she's recently come into a lot of money, so she doesn't even need it. It was a small sum.

 

I just said "i'll transfer it tonight". Nothing else.

 

First thing in the morning she's asking if I transferred that money on whatsapp? I said Should be there tomorrow, and that's all.

 

She really doesn't have any other reasons to contact me now, it feels good.

Edited April 14, 2015 by dangerbang

[medzeer]

Well, there is actually one answer on how to move on. TIME. There is nothing you can do. Even all these advices about getting forward with your life, staying busy, this is just a distraction, that can help you improve yourself. But it won't help you move on. You can only wait. Day by day. And in some time, you will just wake up without her on your mind. This will be the day of your success.

[dangerbang]

Hi there

 

So my fiance walked out on me about 10 days ago. Sounds hilarious saying that now actually.

For the first 2 or 3 days I sent messages giving things we could do to resolve problems, apologising for anything I've done wrong, and asking if we could work it out. My messages were just met with anger and bile. She said a lot of mean things to me.

I gave up then, and any contact after that was initiated by her, to do with money, and collecting her stuff. I let her get her stuff and made sure I wasn't here. Money was mostly sorted out between her and my parents. She has messaged me pretty much every day since, trying to pick a fight about money. I pointed out calmly yesterday in email how she has some belonging to me, and in fact she owes me money. I said I didn't care about it and that I don't expect to hear from her again.

That was met with more anger, her saying I'm pathetic, petty, and she fell out of love with me a long time ago.

A few minutes later I got messages saying that wasn't true and she shouldn't have said that, and we need to give each other space.

Space from what? The relationship is over! And she's the one who keeps contacting me!

What's up with this? I wont contact her again, part of me would love to get back with her, but it would take her making the effort.

Heard nothing today so maybe yesterday was the end of it all, but I couldn't understand why she kept at me telling me how hard it is for her etc etc.

It's not my problem anyway.

The sad thing is I feel bad now because she hasn't been in touch today. Even her angry messages kind of gave me a boost of some sort.

Thanks for reading.

[PegNosePete]

What belongings, and how much money, are we talking here?

 

Are you prepared to let them go? Or is your sanity worth more?