Just dumped by the love of my life b/c of her own "personal issues"....long post

[lostinlove73]

I am a 31 y/o professional male who is lost and needs some advice from those who may have been where I am now.

 

The story to the relationship I am referencing is about 1 million characters long, so in the interest of brevity I will try to summarize.

 

Met my (now, ex-) girlfriend about a year ago at work. Although I was interested in her, she was dating someone, so I respected that and didn't pursue. We b/cm great work friends. Never social outside of work. During our friendship, she got engaged. She never showed me the ring and I never congratulated her and retrospectively we both noted how uncomfortable it was when people would ask to see the ring in front of me.

 

Long story short......we got together in one of the most intense and passionate beginnings of a relationship I could ever imagine. We fell hard and fast and were telling each other we loved each other in very short order. Meanwhile, I was learning that she was not happy w/ her fiance and felt she had made a mistake. Basically she had developed a pattern in her life of making decisions to make other's happy and since everyone in her family and circle of friends wanted them to be together, she said yes to him. Interestingly she asked him when he asked her to marry him if he was doing it b/c he wanted to or b/c he felt he had to. Tell tale signs......

 

Anyway, about a month into things w/ us, she moved out of his place and told him she didn't want to marry him. We continued on for about 7 months together, but secretly. No one in her life supported her decision and they were very abusive and abrasive to her whenever she tried to get them to understand her decision. When I say abusive, I mean abusive. And EVERYONE in her life! It was such a mess that she concealed her break up w/ him from everyone but her family and her three best girlfriends. She had not one single, solitary person to talk to about this. I moved away from where she was living (her ex-fiance also lived in the area), but we continued on in a very intense emotional relationship, but couldn't see each other as much as we wanted and those select few who knew we were together gave her grief about seeing me or talking to me anytime she did. It was very painful for her and at times, for me.

 

I didn't like the secretive relationship, but I tolerated it b/c I really love(d) her and knew we were meant to be together. Finally, about 6 weeks ago she decided she had to leave where she was living. She went to her family, told them they had to realize that it really was OVER with him and she was with me and happy and in love. We made a plan and got her stuff out of where she was living previously and she went to live w/ family.

 

During the last 6 weeks we finally began, what I will call, "dating". We began to spend every other week together full time. We learned the good, the bad and the sometimes ugly about each other. But we learned how to deal w/ conflict and were building a strong relationship. Until three days ago......

 

She has not been happy as an individual during our time together. She has been very happy w/ me, but w/out me she is empty and lost and doesn't know who she is anymore. I knew all of this and supported her in every way possible. I helped her begin to look for a therapist and told her that this time was her time to focus on HERSELF and not on us and I would be patient and accept whatever she could give me in this relationship.

 

Three days ago she decided that it wasn't working anymore. She was too dependent on me for support and strength and no matter how much I told her not to focus on us, she felt guilty everyday about not being the GF she knew she could be to me. She told me I gave her everything that she ever could have asked for, but she just needs time, space and REAL THERAPY to work on herself now.

 

Now, I could accept this if not for a few things.....

- her family is pathologic. They have continued to pound away at her that she should not be w/ me right now and should focus on herself and continued to make commments from time to time about getting back w/ her ex. I am convinced that they ganged up on her at Thanksgiving and that is what led us to three days ago. (She started acting really sad and beaten down the night of Thanksgiving.....I was not there unfortunately...working)

 

- the ex. He is still waiting in the wings and I am afraid she will go back to him b/c that is the easier thing to do, since that is what everyone else in her life wants.

 

- she told me "to get on with my life and not wait for her" even though I told her I will still be here waiting

 

- she wants NO contact...no phone, no visits, no writing and I am to just "respect that"

 

- she said, "I know that this is what you want and are 100% sure about it. Now I am not sure though"

 

Ok....I know the usual responses I will get about her inability to make decisions for herself, allowing her family and friends to again control her life, do you really want to take on her baggage laden family, etc etc. I have heard all of this from friends and family. What I haven't heard is from someone who has been in a similiar situation or knows of someone who has.

 

What do I do? Respect her wishes and if so, for how long? Do I take it as a hint that she still holds out hope if she doesn't send back my stuff she has or asks for hers? I have about 100000 questions but I don't want to lead anyone's answers. I would just appreciate some honest advice from everyone. Sometimes the best advice comes from neutral parties who have no vested interest in the answer they give. My family and friends are guarding their respones to me very well right now b/c they know I am in pain.

 

Most importantly....I am IN love with this woman. I don't just love her like my previous GF's....I am IN love. I want to her to be the mother of my children and my wife. I want to grow old w/ her. And according to the past 8 months, she does too.

 

Ugh......I don't even know what to think anymore this has been so tumultuous. But I do know I feel empty and sad w/ out her in my life everyday.

 

I will be at work and away from the computer tonight and would love to read anyone's thoughts in the early morning.

 

Thank you so very much.......

[Misty2004]

Your post touched a cord with me, and i felt I had to reply.

 

She sounds as if she feels that everyone in her world is putting pressure on her and telling her what to do.

She is probably completely confused and just wants to get way from everything. Not had to think about it anymore. That is probably the reson that she told you that she can't have a relationship with you. That she has to sort herself out.

 

But believe that bit ...... she can't have a relationship with you now.

And she doesn't want the added pressure of having you waiting for her.

 

So what can you do? Exactly what she asked you to do. Move on with your life. Believe that she is not coming back. Nobody can tell you if she will or not. Nobody knows how long it will take her to sort herself out, if she ever does. That is completely up to her. Nothing you do or say with make any difference to what she does ....... except if you keep on putting pressure on her, then you will drive her away further.

Believe me, been there, done that. and it turned ugly. I was told that he didn't care if he had anything to do with me again. I beleive he meant it at the time, because he just couldn't deal with any more pressure from anyone. Whether he means it now, well i have to assume he does becuase i haven't being in contact with him since ( 3 weeks ago) and I haven't heard from him. So if I can go no contact anyone can, because I work with him lol

 

So hope for the best but prepare for the worse.

 

Try really, relly hard to move on without her. Try to get over her. Respect her request for NC.

 

If in the furture she comes back to you and wants a relationship, then you can see where you are in your life, single available etc. and whehter you want to be in a relationship then.

 

I know it hurts so much now. I know it feels like you will never ever get over her. But you will. each day will be a little easier. Some days may be a little bit harder, but you'll get back on track again.

 

Don't let fear of her not doing what you want her to do, make you contact her again. It will only drive her further away and nothing you can say or do anyway will make a difference to what she will do.

[moon]

I am sorry for your pain. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. Have you thought yourself of getting some therapy and really talking out your feelings?

 

This sounds like a full blown, bad to worse (tragic) situation.

 

1. Your ex had an affair with you while she was ENGAGED to be married. Does this not sink in with you? This is very serious!!! It is even worse than just cheating while you are dating. She was going to marry this guy!!! She was going to be his wife! The other guy must feel like the lowest man on the planet. His fiance cheated on him and then dumped him. I am surprised he's not on this board begging for some help. MAN I feel for that guy!!! Maybe you should too.

 

2. Your ex sounds like a spinner of words. She's telling you that she felt like she had to be with this other guy and that's basically why she was somehow forced (almost against her will) to marry him----um, I don't think so. Yet you are still fearful that she'll go back with him. Why is that? Maybe you are getting more mixed signals here than you are willing to admit to.

 

3. You have dated and known this girl for what like 8 months? You've already entered the relationship very sneaky and underhandedly. Her family and friends have probably known her much longer (face it) and she's going to listen to them. You sound like you don't quite get it that they have an influence on her.

 

4. DUDE!!! You need to face reality. She is asking you for some SPACE. How many more hints do you need. It is obviously finally hitting her what she's done. She has been very hurtful!!

 

Seriously, you are sounding like a woman (sorry ladies). You are acting like this girl somehow conned you into being with her and you are just sitting pretty waiting for her to decide what she wants. Be a man! She has totally screwed up her whole world. Step back and think about this. You may or you may not be as significant to her as she is to you, but seriously this is a HUGE mess. And sounds very sad. Don't you see that?

 

Basically if this was all turned around and I was a girl who was about to get married and my fiance dropped me out of thin air and had some other chick on the side----I would be out of my mind. I wouldn't care a whit that this other chick (you basically) feels slighted because my ex fiance finally realized what a giant ass he was.

 

Your ex needs to get a backbone. Stop blaming everyone for her problems. You need to STEP away from this situation. You need to take a step back and think about all that has happened. I don't care if you are in love with this girl or not. I really don't. This is real life here and people have gotten hurt. You need to put that into focus.

 

MAYBE just MAYBE if this girl has like six months (at the least) to get her head back on straight. Apologize (and I do mean apologize) to her ex fiance, her family and come clean about what happened.......then maybe she can come back to you after therapy and have a normal relationship with you. But you, man, need to get what's happened here. Forget about the in love bull sh*t----come on. Have some decency here. Your ex has screwed up her world, disappointed her family, her ex fiance, his family, her friends won't talk to her. All for you??? A guy she only met a few months ago. Sorry, to be so darn harsh. Please don't take it the wrong way. But if I were you I would expect to be put on the back burner a bit so this whole thing can settle and rest. So people can make peace with it. Only after that could you possibly enter the scene again.

 

Do get some therapy. Plus realize your ex cheated on her fiance. What might she do to you??? Get some therapy! Sorry, I've just never been a cheater so I don't get that. There is a good chance this might be sort of a pattern with her and she needs to get in touch with that. You'll be of little use to her right now. Unless she is the one to put you back in her life. But dear God give her and her family some space and maybe throw a few apologies out there yourself. You couldn't have helped this situation one bit.

 

Again, I know you are only human and so is she......but seriously if I were that fiance....I'd have your head.

 

So give it TIME!!! And realize what this situation REALLY is. It sounds very sad. I feel bad for you. But you should really see it for what it is. I hope you and your ex get the help you both need and can go on and live healthy and happy lives. But I think there are some definate mistakes that were made here and that need to be accounted for. It is very sad. Good luck.

[LucreziaBorgia]

She sounds like an emotional black hole - heck, it sounds just like me at a younger age. I pulled the same stunts that she did, almost exactly. Her family sounds like mine, her description of her family is similar to what I would tell people, and her relationship excuses are almost exactly the same as the ones I used to use. Her trick? She does whatever she wants, and shifts the blame on whatever is necessary in order to leave herself blameless. That way she can't be held responsible for her actions because of her "problems".

 

She probably doesn't realize this though, and its something that people rarely do on purpose. Hence, she really does need therapy. She needs to learn to take responsibility for her actions and stop laying blame everwhere but on herself.

 

My guess? Keep a close eye on her. If she isn't already with someone else - I expect she will be before long. Why else would she lock you out so thoroughly with no real hope that she's coming back? She needs therapy, no doubt about it - but I'd be very suprised to see that she gets it, or if she even truly understands what it is she needs it for. Her therapy will probably consist of jumping to another relationship, to be honest.

 

I think she used her 'problems' as an exuse to get rid of you. What a way to do it too. This way you cannot lay even an ouce of blame on her because its "out of her control" - she shifted the entire blame neatly on her "problems", leaving herself entirely in the clear.

 

She's using her 'problems' to mask some of the usual breakup cliches:

"Its not you, its me"

"I need space"

"I'm confused"

 

She should have just told you the truth, but I expect she'd rather chew off her own leg than be willing to take even an ounce of blame and responsibilty for her actions.

[butterfly4me]

Hi. I am in a similar situation. While I was working on Thanksgiving, my boyfriend up and moved out. He had his family come and get him and move him two states away. They did this once before, recently. I am an emotional wreck, he hasn't called or emailed me. If you'd like to email me, maybe we can help each other.

[email protected]

[lostinlove73]

Thank you everyone for your honest and direct responses.

 

Moon........I am not sure if you are her ex, know her ex or had something like this happen to you, but some of your comments were a bit......personal I guess. Believe me I feel guilty for the way this came about and I do feel bad for him, but that is as far as my sympathy will go for him. I thought that I was doing the right thing in the end b/c as I saw it, we were meant to be together and even though the circumstances which brought us together were less than ideal and someone got hurt in the process, I could live with that b/c I thought I was w/ the person I was supposed to be with. I guess not and I will live with my part of the guilt. But exactly who am I going to apologize to? Him, her family, his family, her friends? Come on! They all chose not to support her decision not to be w/ him and to turn their backs on her. That doesn't demand an apology from me.

Anyway, I appreciate your honesty.

 

I am respecting her no contact and will let this be.

 

Thank you again everyone for your honesty.

[gpastorelli]

You're situation is similar to my current stage w/ my ex-g/f. We were together for about a year and a half. She broke up with me, we got back together maybe 2 weeks later, she showed up at my door, we were back for 3 days adn broke up again for no reason other than "I'm not sure if this is what i want..."

 

She is very family orientated and her parents (specifically her father) never liked me b/c one time last november she came home crying b/c we got into a fight that was the both of ours fault.

 

Well we've been talking lately, I've been trying to keep it to a minimum b/c she says when I call alot it just makes her annoyed and NOT miss me. Well she called me the other nite to make me watch a sappy movie on TNT. Aftewards calls me telling me she loves me and wants to be with me, but I have to make up with her family b/c she doesnt want to be with someone if her parents won't give there blessing. I told her I was all willing to do this but I need her help, b/c I can't just show yup, "Yes I want to be with your daughter" but meanwhile she hasn't done anything, so I kinda pushed a little too hard and now she won't talk to me the last day or so

 

Anyways, enough with my story. I really can't say what will happen, but I do know that if she is confused and you 2 really loved each other, you don't just fall out of love that fast.. I think it's more of the pressure from her family and friends and she has no idea where to go. She doesnt want to isolate her family and right now it seems like she's prioritizing there happiness over her own. My ex-g/f is doing the same thing, she says she'd like to be happy with me but she can't until they are happy with me, i know "WTF??". But I would just respect her wishes and do no contact. I've been having everyone tell me that from day one, but i'm REALLY bad with that. But if you really can do it, I've seen it work. Let her miss you. Let her think about you and what you had. Maybe give it a few weeks and shoot her a short e-mail.

 

I can't make any promises since I'm in a similar situation, but the real decision is up to her. The only thing you can do is try to keep busy, let her have her space and don't make any expectations. I wish you the best of everything and if being back with her is what will make you happy (which I assume it is) than I wish you the best of that and you will be in my prayers.

[moon]

Lostinlove, Sorry my comments came off sounding very personal. I did actually have a break up myself about six weeks ago. My ex boyfriend and I moved in together and then he decided to take up with his neighbor who seemed to really want him. It made me sick. This girl was busy talking me out of the relationship. She was laying it on so thick. I could just never be the other women or man. It is so degrading. I was extremely hurt by what happened to me. My ex has since taken up with this girl and never looked back to me at all. I had revolved my whole world around saving the money so me and my ex could be together, I bought a car, my family was into the move, friends knew about it......etc. TOTALLY HUMILIATING!! When he dumped me for somebody else!! The whole thing fell because my ex developed feelings for his neighbor (who was totally throwing herself at him)----who like I said seemed like she would give her right arm to be with the guy. She would come over to our apartment and ask my boyfriend and I if we wanted to run errands with her. I'd sit there the whole time in the car as she flirted with my boyfriend and made me feel like a complete a** hole. It was the lowest feeling on earth.

 

My ex has offered no apologies to me....we were on and off for four years. Now if this other girl came around later sobbing because she didn't think she was treated right in the equation.....well, I would praise God that this girl finally had what was coming to her.

 

Now, you seem to be in a different situation because you developed a friendship first and maybe (I hope) you were reluctant to enter into this relationship (although you don't exactly sound remorseful). You got in deep fast and now you are hurting.

 

I mean there are a million things that people could say to you about this. I don't want to hurt your feelings anymore because you sound like you are hurting enough and I know the feeling of losing at the game of love. No matter what side you are on, you feel horrible about yourself, the situation, everything. So I don't want to grind any salt into your wounds. Seriously! I know you are feeling horrible.

 

But please remember to look at all the sides involved and realize what a hugely hurtful situation this is for EVERYBODY. Not just you. I know you've talked yourself into believing that your ex's fiance was basically conning her into marrying her, but I am sure that is not the way he saw it.

 

So anyway, I won't say anymore. It just seems like to understand your whole situation and why and how you got there it might be necessary to realize that it sounds like big mistakes were made and unfortunately you got stuck in the middle. But it sounds like you were also the one helping the problems along (allowing yourself to be the "other man"). Sorry to be so blunt.

 

I'd say give yourself some time to digest this. You probably feel like you have been played. I mean everyone feels that way when they get dumped. No matter if it's for somebody else or just for "space".

 

Anyway, good luck to you. I am sure you're hurting really bad. I am sorry for that. It sucks, huh. I've been there. Get some therapy.....I've been going recently and it helps tons. I know when you are hurting that bad it feels like you just want to get out of that stuck feeling. I am feeling better now after about six weeks, so I wish you luck in your recover!!