Jump to content

Sweet Beginnings with a Bitter End - My story (Why NC must be followed) Updated


Recommended Posts

Hi Everyone,

 

I've made a few posts on here over the past month whilst i've been going through this (1.2 year relationship) horrible break-up. All the advice and persepctive i have recieved from users has been great, even though i failed to follow some of the advice that i wished i took. I decided to post my entire story of the relationship and it's demise from start to finish. It will be a long read but i think it will give other peope suffering the same heartbreak a guidline of what NOT to do. This is SOLID evidence for why the NO CONTACT rule is so important. I have broken it down into seperate parts.

 

Part 1 - Sweet Love

Part 2 -The initial Breakup

Part 3 - Lies & Deceit

Part 4 - Smokescreen

Part 5 - Depression

Part 6 - Realisation

 

 

Enjoy.

 

Part 1 - Sweet Love

 

I (24m) met her (19F) on my first day of university. I had been studying subjects over the summer in order to meet the prerequisites of a Science Degree course i wanted to enrol in. She was taking the subjects to make up for ones she missed during her last semester. As soon as i stepped into the elevator on my first day, she approached me. She was absolutely beautiful. She had a radiant smile, big dark brown eyes, long dark hair and bountiful round breasts. She was young, but smart and confident.

We became lab partners for the week of concentrated labs, we hit it off. We started dating. We spent every moment together. We would stay at each others houses, go to breakfast everyday, go to lunch everyday, go to the movies, go on walks. Both of us were infatuated with each other. She made me feel smart, funny, strong and i loved the way we would make fun of each other all the time.

We became boyfriend-girlfriend. I loved the way she made me feel. She made me feel so admired. And i loved her so much for bing so positive and full of energy all the time. We met each others parents (different states). We spent every day together, not doing anything particularly interesting, just being together. We didnt really hang out with each others friend groups. I have lived in Melbourne for a long time and have a solid friendship group, however she was relatively new to melbourne and hadn't built any strong relationships with anyone, so i was very aware of giving her space to do so. I didnt want her to fall into the couple trap and make no friends.

 

We moved in together after 9 months, which we both knew was risky, but it was convenient for both of us and we got along so well.

 

At this stage we had passed the honeymoon period and were just cruising. We never really fought. We got in a few arguments about our sex life. I was taking SSRI antidepressants at the time and it killed my sex drive, so sometimes i would get lazy.

I was very devoted to my studies and had completely stopped partying/socialising. Mainly because i was just comfortable being at home. Over the summer she got alot of her shifts cut at her job and we spent ALOT of time together in the house, which did become a little boring...

 

She became very dependent on me socially and emotionally. She had issues with her father and moved around alot as a child, so she didnt have many strong connections with people. I always tried to help her through these issues and give her as much space as she needed to go out and meet new people. I had this solid friendships in the background so i was ok with being alone and not doing much, however she didnt, and i think that made her feel lonely. We drank alot of wine together, however we never socialised together - because as i said, i wanted her to build her own relatioships.

 

We spent christmas together and everything was great, then she flew to America with her family for a month. I was happy to have my own space for a while, as we had spent so much time together. I didnt contact her much whilst she was over there because i wanted her to do her own thing.

 

She returned, we had a great week, with the exception of Valentines day...She wrote me out a beautiful letter of how much she loves and adores me...and i didnt get her anything...she cried, and i told her i think that valentines day is stupid...Because i did love her alot, however we were just so comfortable with each other that the romance had died a little, which i know happens in relationships when your forced to spend alot of time together.

 

We spent the rest of the week together as normal - Eating together, sleeping together, showering together etc. Then she flew to another state to attend a festival with her friends from that state. We had an argument the night before because i was extremely tired and grumpy and wasnt giving her any attention, so when i dropped her at the airport we were pretty cold towards each other.

 

Part 2 - The Initial Break-up

 

I hadn't heard from her for four days over the festival, i didnt try to contact her because i wanted her to have fun and not have to worry about replying to her boyfriends messages whilst she was drinking/partying.

It came to the day i was supposed to pick her up from the airport and i still hadnt heared anything. I text her asking what time i was meant to pick her up but didnt get a reply for hours. When i did, it was a short response, no hello, only saying what time to pick her up.

 

I drove to the market and got her some flowers and wine. I knew i hadnt been the most attentive or romantic boyfriend lately, so i thought i could WOO her when she returned.

 

When she walked out of the airport, i knew. I knew instantly. The look on her face, the way she walked, the way she carried her bag. She was guilty.

I pretended like everything was normal, i gave her the flowers, which she was very shocked by, didnt smile. We drove home and started drinking some wine at home. She looked nervous. Her body language was closed. She was fidgety, she sat across from me instead of next to me.

 

I instigated the conversation. She told me the following things over a long, tear-some conversation.

 

"i was so tired of putting so much into this relationship and not getting anything in return"

 

"You never did anything nice for me and told me you loved me"

 

"You never wanted me to hang out with your friends or hang out with mine"

 

"You were so negative and cynical all the time"

 

"I never knew where i stood with you"

 

"you were so selfish"

 

Notice anything? She kept talking in past-tense when she was breaking up with me. She was talking as if we had already broken up. OR, as if something happened that weekend. I asked her if anything happened at the festival and she denied it and got angry with me for asking.

 

So, she broke up with me. I went and stayed at my sisters for a week and she stayed at home. I was in the summer exams week at the time and was already stressed as hell and not sleeping. I returned to the house over the week to collect things and do chores, we talked about it. She made feel so guilty. She made me feel like a monster and she was an innocent princess trapped in my dungeon. I told her i understand why she wants to break up. She said she needed to be alone for a while, that she needs to be single for a while. That she needs to be herself. After all the guilt she had put on me for being a pretty sucky boyfriend, i accepted it.

 

After nearly two weeks of separation whilst she was staying at our house, trying to find a new house, i came back. I was tired of sleeping on a couch. So we decided that we would sleep together in the bedroom, and just enjoy each-others company until she found a new place and left. We talked about the break up, and i asked her, calmly, a few more times if there was anything she wasnt telling me. she said that there wasnt. and i believed her.

 

The Flame rekindled. We were laughing together, eating together, having sex, showering together, going out to meals together. Everything was fine. She was still looking for a house, but i thought that i was slowly winning her back and she wouldnt leave. It was like we were back in the honeymoon phase again.

 

Part 3 - Lies & Deceit

 

A week had passed with us living together and being happy, whist she looked for another place. We were going to bed one night and her phone rang, so she went outside to answer it. She left her laptop open........

 

It took me all of two minutes to figure out what had happened. She had slept with this guy during the festival and had been talking/flirting with him continuously since she returned. I read the messages and the times they were sent. Though my memory is a little cloudy of exactly what she wrote, i think She wrote to him..

 

"It's been 14 days since our first kiss, my lover"

 

"i miss your touch, my lover"

 

and he returned similar writings to her. I looked at the times these messages were sent. I figured out that i was asleep in bed next to her whilst she was sending them. She was sending them moments before and after we had sex. She had been going out and calling him whilst i cooked her dinner.

 

She returned to the room. I confronted her. I was sick with rage, however this only lasted about 5 minutes, then i shut down. I couldnt believe it. She kept trying to justify it. Saying 'she was so confused' - 'she didnt think i loved her anymore' - 'she thought i was going to leave her at any moment'. She descirbed it like i had basically forced her to do it...and i took on all the guilt.

 

She told me she has a 'connection' with this guy, and that i 'wouldnt understand'. I was broken at this point, i couldnt move. She was hysterically crying the whole night, saying 'i never wanted you to find out' - 'i didnt want to hurt you'.

 

I forgave her. After hours of talking i forgave her. She made me feel so guilty during the 'innocent' stage of the break-up that i took on all the guilt and i felt like a monster. We slept in the same bed, both of us too exhausted to leave the house.

 

Part 4 - The Smokescreen

 

She went out partying with her friends the night after, whilst i stayed in bed, trying to scramble my thoughts. We continued to stay in the house together for the following 5 days until she found her new place. We talked about it alot, i eventually took on all the guilt to the point where i was apologising to her for making her have to make such a hard decision, to cheat on her partner. I told her that 'i loved her so much that all i wanted was for her to be happy, no matter who it's with".

 

When you love someone so much, it's hard to believe that they would do something like this. It's hard to believe that they would so recklessly trample on your feelings. You dont want to believe it. I took on all the guilt because i didnt want to believe that she was a bad person. I loved her so much that i wanted to believe that i was a monster, and it was my fault. I would later realise that this was my brains way of protecting me from feeling the full force of the rejection...

 

So there we stayed...in the house for another 5 days. I cringe when i look back on the way i acted. I was still trying to hug her, cuddle her, kiss her, have sex with her. I didnt want to belive it was over. I didnt want to believe she had done this. I felt like it was all my fault, and that this prince charming had come and saved the princess from the wicked beast (me), so i desperately tried to win back her affection. but it didnt work...

 

She didnt even hide the fact that she was openly talking to this guy anymore. I could see her texting him. She would tell me she was going outside to call her mum,but i knew it was him. They talked for hours. When she got off the phone she was so happy.

I watched as the person i love so much slowly fell out of love with be and become infatuated with someone else. I was helpless to it, there was nothing i could do. When she looked at me, all she saw was pain and heartache, and this guy made her feel desired.

 

I become depressed. I still felt like a monster, like there was something wrong with me. I actually convinced myself that i was happy that she cheated on me so she could get away from me, the monster. That i was a horrible person and she was a saint.

 

I didnt tell any of my friends or family about any of this at this point. Firstly, i was embarrassed and my pride had been destroyed. Secondly, i didnt want anyone to hate her. I didnt want anyone to judge her, because it was all 'my' fault.

 

I helped her move out into a new place. I sent her an enormous email, saying how much i enjoyed our time together, saying im sorry for making her feel so undesired, that im sorry for being so negative all the time. That im happy she found someone that makes her happy. That i'll always love her and be here for her.

 

She replied with a nice email, acknowledging that i had taken the time to understand her emotional state and state of mind during the relationship.She said she will care about me forever and that she will miss me so much.

 

I was still in ABSOLUTE denial at this stage. I spent alot of time on LoveShack trying to learn ways to win her back. I made it so easy for her throughout the whole breakup. I now had to change my uni subjects so that we werent in the same classes, i had to increase the amount of rent i pay to cover the house, i had to try and find a new housemate, i had to work alot to cover the new expenses. I took on ALL the responsibilty, because i felt so bad for making her feel unloved and have to seek it from somewhere else.

 

She called me crying, after about 5 days of not talking, saying that she hates it where she moved and has signed another lease on a place (600 metres from the house i still live in). I helped her move again...because i cared about her...

 

After i helped her move, she, for reasons i do not know, decided to tell me that she is flying to this other state to spend 5 days over Easter with the guy she cheated on me with.... I have no idea why she thought she could tell me that. However i didn't show her how much that devastated me, because i was trying to be this nice, understanding guy.

To hurt her and get a reaction out of her, i told her that i was never 'INlove with her'. At this point i wasnt sure, all the guilt she projected onto me built this image in my mind of myself, i thought 'how could i have been inlove with her if i was such a **** boyfriend'.

 

We had a couple of conversations over the following week, all of them ended with me talking about the betrayal, making her cry, which instantly made me feel bad and absolve her of all guilt again. This happened about three times.

 

Some days later, (month or so after break-up) I delivered her couch to her, that was at my place throughout the whole breakup. She appreciated it. We went to lunch and went out shopping. Had a great time. We talked about the relationship and the demise of it. I told her i understood why she did it and that i still love her and want to be her friend. We hugged and were being friends. I was still in ABSOLUTE DENIAL and thought i could win her back, that it wasnt over. That i could change - i could be a better person.

 

So a couple of days before she flew to this other state to stay with the guy. We met up (as friends) had lunch, laughed and conversed together.

 

We were texting later that night, just stupid stuff, we decided to go get icecream together late at night. She drove to my house, we ate together and had a joke. I thought FOR SURE she wanted to stay over... But no...she was just there for icecream.

 

The following night she came over for icecream again...it was more awkward this time, it was the day before she left to fly to ther other state. I asked her if she thought that it was healthy, all this hanging out as friends, she said "no, it isnt healthy". We got into another conversation about the break up and the betrayal, she started crying, she said things like "everytime i look at this guy it's going to remind me of what i did to you etc", i felt bad and relinquished her of all guilt, again. We hugged and said good bye to each other.

 

I sent her an email FURTHER relinquishing her of all guilt. Saying that i still loved her and that nothing she could do to me could make me stop loving her.

 

In my mind, i thought that if i was SO nice and understanding of her needs, that she would realise im a great guy...and would stay with me....but NOPE.

 

Part 5 - Depression

 

The 5 days she was gone i felt sick. I was having panic attacks every hour. All i could think about was how much fun they were having together. All i could think about was what she was thinking. I imagined she was so happy to be away from me. I imagined she thought that this guy was so much more interesting and positive than me. She was in the honeymoon stage with this guy, and we ended it at a boring time in the relationship.

 

I stupidly looked at her instagram, saw pictures of them drinking wine together. (she never liked red wine until i intoduced it to her), that hurt.

 

As the weekend progressed i became more and more depressed. I couldnt speak to anyone, i was anxious, i cried alot. I knew that when she returned she would have completely forgotten about me.

 

So, the day after she returned i hit a low point. So low. I wanted to die. So i reached out to her. I called her. I called her with a shaky voice and asked her to meet up with me. She was VERY reluctant, but i told her it wasnt about the break up and that i needed help.

 

She came over and we walked to the park. I talked about how low i was and how i have no self-worth anymore, and that it wasnt her fault, that the happiness i felt with her was masking a deeper-laying problem. She just kept telling me i needed to speak to a therapist.

We got onto the conversation about the relationship. I was so depressed that i blamed EVERYTHING on myself. I told her i was selfish and stupid and that all i cared about was myself. She agreed with me.

She then tells me that she is having trouble 'recieving all of the nice things and lovely words this new guy is saying to her'. That i had starved her of love so badly that she didnt know how to recieve it. She described the moments before the cheating in detail. She told me that she intended for it to happen. That she didnt hear from me all weekend and thought i didnt care. She said that she wanted to know what it was like. That she wasnt drunk or high and it wasnt a mistake. This made me very depressed. She told me that he is her new boyfriend and that we cant hang out again. I accapted that.

 

Part 6 - Realisation

 

I had a breakdown whist one of my friends was over. I couldnt breath, i couldnt eat. At this stage i had lost 11kgs and was very unhealthy. I was 6 weeks behind in my Uni work, i didnt have enough money to pay rent. It all finally hit me. Whilst i had been struggling to make it through each day and figure out how to get her back, she had built another relationship with this guy. I was at square one, and she had completely moved on.

 

I finally came to my senses, after 5 weeks. She Gaslighted me. She projected all of the guilt onto me to absolve herself. She made me feel like such a horrible person to justify all the lies and deceit. But it was all a smokescreen.

 

I AM a good person. I was so good to her. I wasnt the best boyfriend at times, and sometimes i could be selfish, but i would have done ANYTHING for her. I helped her with all her life problems and insecurities. I was here BEST FRIEND in the whole world.

 

i DID tell her i loved her, everyday. No, i wasnt the most romantic of sorts, but i committed to loving her and spent every day with her. I cooked for her nearly every night, we sat and talked, watched movies together, helped each other with study. Spent time with each others familes. I was ALWAYS there for her, as her boyfriend and her bestfriend. I was never unfaithful, i never even thought about it. I am a good person, no matter how hard she tried to believe i wasnt. The relationship may have gotten a bit boring, but i was her most true and trusting friend in the whole world.

 

How could she do this to me? It ALL came down on me. The pain, the hurt, the betrayal, the lies, the deceit, the smokescreen. I loved her so much and wanted to believe so badly that she was a good person, but she just isnt. She never once reflected on how her actions and how they affected me, it was all about her virue and image. How could she fall out of love with me and inlove with someone else in the space of a week? How could she do this to me?

 

In the midst of the nervus breakdown my sister drove me back to the country to stay with my parents. I went insane. Well the closest to insane i've ever become. The anger. So much anger. I cannot believe i let her walk all over me. I made her feel almost AMAZING about cheating on me. She has absolutely no remorse whatsoever.

 

So i cracked... I sent her a scathing message. I didnt call her names, but i told her things like

 

"You made me feel like such a bad person to justify all the lies and deceit, and i dont think i deserved that"

 

"I was your best friend in the whole world and you so recklessly played with my feelings"

 

"No, i didnt tell you i loved you ALL the time, that's because i dont throw the word 'love' around like a $2 bouncy-ball, when i say somthing, i mean it."

 

"i never want to see you or talk to you again, so i can move on and learn to trust again"

 

"I still love you, but i need to move on and never look back"

 

"I hope you find happiness in yourself, because no one else can give that to you"

 

And, as you can expect. No reply. It's over. I absolved her of so much guilt that she probably got angry when i turned around and put some of it back on her. She has no remorse, no empathy.

 

So here i am, wondering what the **** happened to the last month of my life.

 

Thanks for reading.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Cinnamonstix

I hate that you've been heartbroken.. but I must say, that was an entertaining read.

 

That was horrible what she did to you and you didn't deserve any of it. Seems like you've learned MANY lessons this time around about relationships. Here are a few:

 

  • continue to be romantic past the honeymoon phase (not trying to make you feel bad but you can do this for someone that deserves it)
  • date people with morals
  • insecure people might make you feel good by making you feel needed and wanted, but they can turn on you in an instant if you don't make them feel needed and wanted constantly
  • there is simply no excuse for cheating
  • you can definitely be too nice to someone
  • trust your gut

 

I'm glad you finally gave her a piece of your mind at the end and you realized that you're waaaaay better off without that POS in your life. And now that you've communicated that you've wised up to her, you will feel better with every day of NC. Her new relationship is going to fall apart so fast and you will be no where to catch her when it all comes toppling down on her. Love it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Maverick, I'm so sorry for what happened to you. My problems pale compared to yours. You have been incredibly strong and I have nothing but respect and admiration for you. It takes a lot of insight and wisdom I think for you to realize, as a dumpee, that you aren't 100% of the blame. In fact, you were a saint in the reconciliation efforts, and your partner should never simply agree with you when you are casting the end of the relationship on your flaws -- they should reflect and contribute their own mishandlings.

 

I'm too inexperienced to say anything helpful, except I want to tell you that I'm grateful to you for sharing.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you for your kind words - yes it has been incredibly difficult.

 

Each day feels like a thousand years.

 

I don't miss her, i miss who she used to be. Who she WAS.

 

When someone does something like this to you, it taints all your memories of them. I feel sick thinking about it. Maybe she had done it before, who knows.

 

I find myself hoping that her new relationship fails, even though i dont want her back. I think that might be a bit unhealthy, so im trying not to think like that.

 

I still havent let go - i still imagine us meeting up at some point and her admitting that she is a horrible person. But that's never going to happen.

 

I would SELL MY SOUL for her to stumble across this thread and realise the pain she caused me. I have strongly thought of sending her a link to it via email....but that makes me look pathetic!

 

The worst part of all this is that i did it to myself - if i had gone NO CONTACT on her straight away, i would have avoided finding out all these things.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Also, a question for anyone that made it to the end of the story.

 

Do you think that i should allow a little bit of forgiveness (personal forgiveness) for her due to her age.

 

Though we got along great and really enjoyed being with each other during the relationship, i always felt like i was a step ahead of her. Like i knew what she was thinking and what she was doing. I could analyse every new experience she had (in my head).

 

Do you think that she is too young to be able to grasp the gravity of what she's done?

 

I only ask because when i was 19 i was an absolute ****ing idiot. She's alot smarter than that and has always had older friends. Yet, she cried alot...about small things and she always made rash decsisions that she later regretted later.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Stop making excuses for her.

 

What she did was selfish and cruel -- and whether she's in her 20's, 30's, 40's or 50's, she didn't invent cheating on your boyfriend.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for writing your story.

 

I don't think that you should even think about forgiving her at this stage.

Concentrate on your own mental, physical and emotional health. This experience took a lot out of you and you need to do some rebuilding of yourself.

 

Good food, rest, light exercise. You know what I mean.

 

Be a good friend to yourself and recover.

 

All the best,

 

Satu.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow i just read your post and it reminded me so much of my last relationship, with the way she made you feel like you werent a good bf etc. I too am not always the most romantic or lovey dovey bf tbh but i show it by working my ass off and providing for her and doing the best that i can. Sometimes though it just isnt enough as much as it sucks i think you dodge a bullet because if you aren't enough for her now, you will always ask are you good enough if you guys ever get back together

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hoo boy, you've been through the wringer. Big ol' hugs from me, I was either tearing up or wanting to sock your ex all during that (pregnancy hormones aren't fun!) But I'm so glad that you realized that you weren't all to blame here at all. And for her to allow you to accept all the blame at the expense of your own mental health is disgusting. Reprehensible. I was so glad to read that you were angry, I was hoping you'd get there.

 

The good thing is that this whole experience is going to make you so strong for having been through it. You'll look back at it in the future and know that if you made it through this mess, you can do anything.

 

I wouldn't worry about forgiving her or not forgiving her right now. If you do in the future it'll happen. But I don't believe that it's at all necessary to move forward in a healthy manner.

Link to post
Share on other sites
SheleftmeforMichael

So there we stayed...in the house for another 5 days. I cringe when i look back on the way i acted. I was still trying to hug her, cuddle her, kiss her, have sex with her. I didnt want to belive it was over. I didnt want to believe she had done this. I felt like it was all my fault, and that this prince charming had come and saved the princess from the wicked beast (me), so i desperately tried to win back her affection. but it didnt work...

 

She didnt even hide the fact that she was openly talking to this guy anymore. I could see her texting him. She would tell me she was going outside to call her mum,but i knew it was him. They talked for hours. When she got off the phone she was so happy.

I watched as the person i love so much slowly fell out of love with be and become infatuated with someone else. I was helpless to it, there was nothing i could do. When she looked at me, all she saw was pain and heartache, and this guy made her feel desired.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. It was very touching and there were elements in it that I could relate with and went through something similar especially what was quoted above. I remember when I was in that phase when my breakup occurred...my ex and I still lived together for a time (2 months and 2 weeks) and I had to go through the same what you wrote up above...watching her text with him back and forth and see her facial expressions / how happy she was...It was bloody torture and drove me mad and all because I was in the same mindset that you were in...I thought I could bring her back or fix/reconcile between us. I didn't want to believe it was truly over. I'm really glad and thankful with the help of this forum that I've come to the acceptance that it is over.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for your replies,

 

SheLeftMeForMichael - It is so cruel isnt it? Do you think she was doing on purpose, letting you see her texting him all the time? Or even worse, do you think she cared so little about your feelings that she didnt even think how cruel it was to you?

 

Question for y'all, is it normal to think about it 24/7? It's ALL that's on my mind. Replying it over and over again. Thinking of what my next move is...

 

Even though i've already played my final card, the 'I never want to see or talk to you again'... I still cant accept that i wont see her again...because i know i will, we are doing the same Degree and live 600 metres from each other....

Link to post
Share on other sites
SheleftmeforMichael
Thanks for your replies,

 

SheLeftMeForMichael - It is so cruel isnt it? Do you think she was doing on purpose, letting you see her texting him all the time? Or even worse, do you think she cared so little about your feelings that she didnt even think how cruel it was to you?

 

For me, we had already broken up but she was still living with me. During this time, despite my suspicions and me ignoring all the red flags/signs because I was still in a state of denial/non acceptance, she would swear up and down that she and this new bff/coworker were just "good friends", but the smiles, and how she jumped in excitement at when she got a new message on her phone from him and facial expressions she displayed when responding to a message from him said otherwise to me. It was crushing to me because it was the same excitement and feelings she exuded when we first began. I was seeing her become infatuated with someone new...and it wasn't me this time. I don't know if she did those things in front of me on purpose. I'd like to think she didn't. I'll never really know. But I do know at that point, she was focused more on what she wanted to do and who she wanted to put her attention towards and be happy...and it wasn't me. It hurt and I felt helpless because no matter what I tried or how I attempted to stop it, I couldn't change her mind. She had already detached from me romantic wise.

 

Question for y'all, is it normal to think about it 24/7? It's ALL that's on my mind. Replaying it over and over again. Thinking of what my next move is...

 

Even though i've already played my final card, the 'I never want to see or talk to you again'... I still cant accept that i wont see her again...because i know i will, we are doing the same Degree and live 600 metres from each other....

 

While I don't think of about what happened between my ex and I as often as I did before earlier in the year, the feelings and memories still come and I deal with them as best I can by keeping busy, working out, or just toughing through it alone. It's only been about 2 weeks now that i've been on strict no contact following the guide here on the forums.

 

But the key thing is...that I have come to the acceptance that she is not coming back. I no longer hold on to the hope that there will be a second chance with her. And that is because I've accepted the wrong doings I did to her and the path she is taking. I can't follow alongside on her on that path anymore. And there really is no one that's going to get me out of the pit of sorrow but myself. So I have to do it. I can't be chasing around a girl that I want to be with that no longer wants to be with me. Why would I spend time feeling sad about someone who is not even giving a second thought about how i'm feeling / who is preoccupying herself with a new man, going out, having sex and feeling happy and enjoying the moment while i'm home along lamenting on what happened? It just doesn't make sense to do that anymore. It's no longer logical to me now that my mind is clear.

 

I have engaged in NC and plan to keep it that way until I have healed. Would I like to still be friends with her and have her in my life in the future? Of course I would, I have a three year history with her and I wish no ill will towards her now and still care about her as a person/human being and wish her the best. But I cannot be friends with her right now in the condition I'm in. I'm not healed yet. I'm not over her yet. I'm not 100% detached, but i'm getting there...slowly but surely. Time and being okay with being alone without her will help you with your detachment as it has for me.

 

Dig deep and come to that acceptance that there will not be a 2nd chance and focus on the person that's most important in your life - YOU.

 

Joe Rogan said it best:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I know we are NEVER getting back together, i dont want that, and she left me so it is logical to think that she doesnt want that either.

 

I will stay in NC until i am COMPLETELY healed, then when the Emotions-rollercoaster stops, i'll assess what station im at and see if im ready to forgive and forget or just never contact her again.

 

What do you think about writing a similar story above but from my EX's perspective. Do you think that would be therapeutic? Or pointless

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hello Again,

 

I've made frequent posts on here over the past month or so. Many of you have given me lots of advice and i am very thankful for it. Some of you frequent-responders are probably very tired of watching me bang my head up against the wall for answers i'll never get!

 

I finally came to the realisation this evening that she is never coming back. This is honestly worse than being dumped then finding out she cheated on me and left me for this other guy, because now i realise why she left.

 

It wasn't because i didnt show her i love her enough or any of the reasons she smoked screened me with, it was because it got boring, plain and simple.

 

I'm 24 and she is 19. Im through my partying phase and am happy to just chill out. We never hang out with each others groups of friends, because i wanted to give her space to do her thing and have '19 year old experiences'. We were living together and just going through the motions, i was content, but she was bored.

 

She went to this festival, drank and took ecstasy and met this guy and she had a 'connection' with. I know this 'connection' is just because they were roughly the same age having a new experience together.

 

I'm this older, cynical (in a funny realistic kind of way) dude that was just happy hanging out... She's met this young, fresh prince charming that still thinks the world is a great place and you'll be 'forever young' and now i imagine she just views me like she views her parents. Old and responsible.

 

The thought that she will remember me as boring is the worst. the absolute worst.

 

Yes, we spent every second together, just hanging out, which in your mid-twenties is a great aspect of a relationship, but she has found someone to do the things that give you the 'rush' of life. I HATE that we never did that stuff, i regret it so badly.

 

But i cant blame her, it is what is it.

 

That's the worst thing about falling in love with a 19 year old - the difference in perspective. I cherish the companionship of a relationship and the ability to just be in each others company and talk about the world. Whereas she, i think, got very bored of this.

 

I will NEVER date anyone at a different stage of their life to me again. It's toture knowing EXACTLY what phase she's going through - all the rush o excitement and uncertainty.

 

As i said, she needs to go through that phase, because its fun! But i hate the fact that she is going through that phase directly after breaking up with me.

 

Sorry, had to vent.

 

Anyone else ALSO been in this situation?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dude, you're 24. Stop talking like you are 45.

You still have a whole life ahead of you. Who cares what she will remember you as? In about 5 years, you'll barely remember her, as it is.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
casey.lives

you can't do anything about how someone perceives you.. especially when it conveniences them and their actions. you shouldn't even believe it. the truth is if you are not boring or you are do idealism love and life.... this person never knew you and now they don't matter. forget it and forget them. Everything they say from the moment they diverted, is meant to sooth themselves and hurt you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
diamondgirl

yes, I've had the same realization and i had every reason to believe my ex was coming back because he told me he was. we are both 23 and dated for 7 years. he basically told me he needed some time for other experiences, to date around a little, but saw himself ending up with me and that his "gut" told him he just needs a few months to experience being single.

 

well four months after the breakup, he is in a new relationship. and no i don't think its a rebound. he's been with her for almost 3 months. they met at work. from what i hear he's very happy and she's a great girl. he's not someone who takes commitment lightly so once i heard they were exclusively dating i knew it was serious. its funny because last time i saw him a month ago to get all my stuff he STILL tells me he sees us getting back in the future but he's happy "for now".

 

anyway its been almost 7 months and i had the realization you had probably 8 weeks ago. it was really hard. holding onto hope is a dangerous game. i guess it helped me initially but letting go of it really felt like breaking up all over again. it sucks. i will say though that a week or two after i let go of hope i felt somehow free and my healing has really sped up. i feel a lot more free from the situation oddly enough. we have so much history and so many mutual friends and our families are great friends so i don't think ill never see or speak to him again but i do know even if we do reconcile it will be years from now when were both thinking about who we want to settle down with.

 

i had similar feelings to you. im only 23 but i felt a proposal wasnt all that out of reach for me since my ex and i had been together for 7 years and now its like starting over. you just have to give it time. i didnt believe anyone who said i would ever feel better. i thought i would never smile and laugh again. now i feel almost like i have myself back. i still think about my ex often so im not healed but im well on my way. you have to make an effort to heal though. make time work for you. be good to yourself, distract yourself with friends, go out and flirt, pick up a new hobby, spend time outdoors. just take baby steps.

Link to post
Share on other sites
you must let it go

You are 24 you will find love again and lose it again she was 19 the chances of it working out till death was very slim if someone walks away from you let them walk!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have had the exact same situation, also age wise.. Like you said, 19 is an age where people still like to experiment and don't want anything long-term. There might be some exceptions, but once they start partying and all that, my ex didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, wanted to be alone and enjoy life.. So same formula for me too, never dating a girl that's younger than 22-23 anymore atleast.. Shouldn't really matter to you how she remembers you though, or how you think she'll remember you. Just focus on your own life and find someone more suitable that matches your way of life right now :). During our first breakup I constantly checked her FB and her pictures and everything. Didn't help for one bit, so sticking by the NC rule now and it's getting better every day.. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Actually, I called this an enlightenment. Don't get string along..

 

Age is just a number, don't let it hinder you in any negative ways.

Link to post
Share on other sites

19 is very young and at that age people in rships wonder what else is out there and want to experiment. You are 24 so a bit more mature. Don't feel so disheartened, she wasn't good enough for you. She cheated and left you for someone else, why would you even want her back? When I was 20 my bf of 3 years ended things with me (he was 22) because he basically wanted to be single. It broke my heart. He came crawling back 8 months later and tried to get back with me for the next 3 years! I was over it though.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Going through the exact same thing, age difference is a little less, ex is 20 im 23, but pretty much the same thing, we broke up when she was still 19, i was 22. its been about 5 months since the breakup and we were together for 5 years.

 

I feel the exact same way, I was never really the "party animal" type and tbh neither was she but i guess getting to that age brings that out in you. I did the same, i let her go to events, etc that she wanted to with her friends cuz I didn't want her to miss out on anything and vola at one of these socials she met the guy she is dating now. I dont even know how old he is but I do know he parties alot. She used a smoke screen to end the relationship, blamed it on religion, but started dating this guy within weeks of us breaking up.

 

I'm still heartbroken and hurt over it, and I still love her, f*cking 5 months down the road. I know we were great together and had some amazing times, I just keep beating myself up for not wanting to go out as much but honestly I'm trying to get my life together and don't have that much time to waste on partying. My problem also was that I gained alot of weight over the past couple years so I became selfconscious about it and thats why I didn't want to go to these events, especially if they were the dressy type.

 

Keep telling myself only if i had gone i could have stopped them from meeting, etc etc, but whatevers meant to be will be i guess... it just sucks.

Link to post
Share on other sites
seminoles84

Oh man you just made me feel old (I'm 30) and I was going to music festivals as recently as 2 months ago! Though I'm not in the crowds like before (VIP to keep some dignity). At 24 I was still having a great time.

 

Go have fun man..

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey man. Same situation, the girl is a bit older but the same vibe. I'm "boring" or rather, together we were "boring". We were "exciting" when we met. We started out as exciting individuals who consistently did new and fun things. Then we did those new and fun things together and fell in love, and eventually we calmed down and spent all of our time together hanging out. I loved it, for a while she did too. Then she didn't. Maybe you can relate?

 

Now, she's about to graduate from college - when I was there I had a number of the craziest most life changing experiences I ever will. I met her a bit after that. In terms of her life she met me a bit over a year into college. She had been quite "exciting" before then and I think she was looking for something more stable. I was the same way - just at a different point in life. I just think people go through cycles like this. A few years of a certain situation and you idealize the opposite - especially when you're young. You aren't boring or old, you just want something different from your life. At a different juncture, you'd be mature and stable - "a great guy". You might oscillate to the opposite end of that spectrum soon as well.

 

 

If you really feel like you are upset that you aren't "exciting" go out and have more excitement. In coping with my own version of these same feelings, I attended a lot of underground parties shortly post breakup and I ended up hating it, it literally exacerbated my emotional problems regarding the break up. I just thought about her having fun in this sort of "exciting", "cool", "free love" type situations and it just hurt me. I just started imaging her with all of the "exciting" guys there and I then realized, I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to live like this - I am not interested in the girls or guys here. I am not interested in this lifestyle. Maybe I will in the future, that's just not where I am right now.

 

On the other hand just look at your life and the things you enjoy doing, I ended up figuring out that at a certain point in the relationship the "exciting" stuff and the stuff that I used to enjoy doing ended up falling out of my life. Her and I spent all of our time together and I enjoyed that...maybe a little too much. Go back to your hobbies, go back to exploring the world, go back to having new experiences. Go back to being confused about what you want. Eventually, you'll be over her. Then you'll go through life thinking, "I wonder who I'll meet here", "I wonder what's going to happen here", "Maybe something intriguing will happen here" and best of all "I really want to see what <some activity> is like" and then you'll live with the sort of enthusiasm you might be lacking right now. Then you'll be "exciting". Then you'll meet someone new. You'll have a great connection with them. Then hopefully, you'll remember your past mistakes, you're remember the complacency of this past relationship, and you'll do better. Or at least, that's how I see your situation.

 

This might be a bit of a leap here but it seems like you might've depended on her for a lot of emotional support. Not just a girlfriend but a best friend and maybe even an extension of yourself. Kind of a way to protect yourself from the world. You had what you were looking for, so you stopped looking for anything at all. That was me. It'll take longer to heal from that, but from everyone I've spoken to, that level of attachment is unhealthy. Being too close is a bad thing too.

 

Finally, you're 24, did you want to stay with her forever? This relationship ending is a blessing in disguise.

Edited by DJOkawari
Link to post
Share on other sites

Lol. Old at 24. This is how I feel at 37

 

https://youtu.be/qtFadZ1dodM

 

In the end, she was only 19 and you're only 24. You're free son. You have 51 flavors of icecream to enjoy and many of them, if you're smart, they won't partake of risky behaviors I.e. ecstasy.

 

Oh, and one last thing... Women date the bad boy... They don't always marry them so stop.beating yourself for THINKING you're boring.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...