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Ex arranged to run into me..


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So at exactly one month post-breakup, I attended a mutual friend's event knowing the ex wouldn't be there because the week before he had a friend tell me I should go to the event and that he'd back out because we were NC for a month and I still wanted my space. So halfway through the evening, he shows up. Dressed amazingly (too amazing for a get together in a basement) wearing the cologne I love, the haircut I love and the shave I love... I was shocked. We had a deal and he full out broke NC but to the max! anyways I kept my cool and ignored him. Later on I get a text from him (he's right across me at this point) asking if we could talk and clear some stuff up before the end of the night. I thought about it for a while and finally agreed so we can get this awkwardness out of the way. We went in my car and ended up talking for 5 hours straight :| he started off acting pretty unfazed by everything and saying how he was over the breakup and he had moved on but as the night went on, he started implying his feelings weren't gone and words can't describe how much I mean to him, how he can't find someone else with the connection we had and how he doesn't want to lose that so he wants to be friends. I didn't agree on the spot because I have to think this through and I still need my space. He apologized for his mistakes and kept saying how we never really had any problems as a couple but it was a promising relationship that just happened at the wrong time (my other post explains why). He continued on with how he had never felt the way he felt towards a girl before meeting me and how he's worried he won't find that again. He told me he wished the days after the breakup I had texted him

And asked for a break instead (he broke up with me..) and how he would of taken the break because we meant a lot to each other and loved each other a lot but the stress took the best of us. Now this is the part that confuses me: he randomly mentioned how much "heat" we'd get from all our friends and family if we got back together in the future but that we can make our own decisions. So, he wants me to start texting him again when I'm ready (he also unblocked me on Facebook) and he wants to rebuild our friendship that way and "see where it goes". There's so much more but I can't possibly write everything down but I am confused. I think he is also.

 

When I mentioned how I had been talking with a new guy for a while, I saw the life in his eyes just die.. it really broke my heart.

 

He also told me how realized how much of an amazing girlfriend I was and how he was too blinded to see it when I was there. How he's never had someone support him and love him the way I did.

 

When our convo ended, he asked for a hug and I agreed. The hug lasted probably a minute and it was extremely emotional. He told me how no matter what he has my back and that I can go to him for anything at all. Then right before leaving he said "so best case scenario? we end up back together in a while and worst case is we stay friends and still have that connection"

 

My friend who he had tell me he wouldn't be at the event is furious because she knows he planned the whole thing from the beginning and he didn't give me the space I wanted which has now left me confused.

 

I haven't texted him at all since and this was 4 days ago. I plan on still taking the time I need and then seeing how I feel

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frigginlost
So at exactly one month post-breakup, I attended a mutual friend's event knowing the ex wouldn't be there because the week before he had a friend tell me I should go to the event and that he'd back out because we were NC for a month and I still wanted my space. So halfway through the evening, he shows up. Dressed amazingly (too amazing for a get together in a basement) wearing the cologne I love, the haircut I love and the shave I love... I was shocked. We had a deal and he full out broke NC but to the max! anyways I kept my cool and ignored him. Later on I get a text from him (he's right across me at this point) asking if we could talk and clear some stuff up before the end of the night. I thought about it for a while and finally agreed so we can get this awkwardness out of the way. We went in my car and ended up talking for 5 hours straight :| he started off acting pretty unfazed by everything and saying how he was over the breakup and he had moved on but as the night went on, he started implying his feelings weren't gone and words can't describe how much I mean to him, how he can't find someone else with the connection we had and how he doesn't want to lose that so he wants to be friends. I didn't agree on the spot because I have to think this through and I still need my space. He apologized for his mistakes and kept saying how we never really had any problems as a couple but it was a promising relationship that just happened at the wrong time (my other post explains why). He continued on with how he had never felt the way he felt towards a girl before meeting me and how he's worried he won't find that again. He told me he wished the days after the breakup I had texted him

And asked for a break instead (he broke up with me..) and how he would of taken the break because we meant a lot to each other and loved each other a lot but the stress took the best of us. Now this is the part that confuses me: he randomly mentioned how much "heat" we'd get from all our friends and family if we got back together in the future but that we can make our own decisions. So, he wants me to start texting him again when I'm ready (he also unblocked me on Facebook) and he wants to rebuild our friendship that way and "see where it goes". There's so much more but I can't possibly write everything down but I am confused. I think he is also.

 

When I mentioned how I had been talking with a new guy for a while, I saw the life in his eyes just die.. it really broke my heart.

 

He also told me how realized how much of an amazing girlfriend I was and how he was too blinded to see it when I was there. How he's never had someone support him and love him the way I did.

 

When our convo ended, he asked for a hug and I agreed. The hug lasted probably a minute and it was extremely emotional. He told me how no matter what he has my back and that I can go to him for anything at all. Then right before leaving he said "so best case scenario? we end up back together in a while and worst case is we stay friends and still have that connection"

 

My friend who he had tell me he wouldn't be at the event is furious because she knows he planned the whole thing from the beginning and he didn't give me the space I wanted which has now left me confused.

 

I haven't texted him at all since and this was 4 days ago. I plan on still taking the time I need and then seeing how I feel

 

Deny him.

 

Friends will never work. He is "plan-b" categorizing you. Go absolute no contact with him. If he truly wants you, the words "friends" will never leave his mouth again. He will say "I want to work on us, and want you back".

 

Do not give him the option to ween himself off you.

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Cinnamonstix

I'm going to be blunt. He sounds like an emotionally immature person masquerading as someone who is mature. You can see the cracks in his facade by how he can't be completely honest with you. He first pretends to be over the breakup when he clearly isn't, and he showed a lack of respect for you by showing up (and overdressed? lolz)

 

I also don't appreciate how he put it on you to ask for a break when he broke up with you. If he needed space, HE should have said so. He needs to take responsibility for his actions.

 

I think it's really good that you continue to take the time you need and really reflect on your relationship. It's easy to romanticize and idealize what you had after a breakup, especially as the dumpee. With the ball in your court, you may more quickly see the relationship and him for how they truly are.

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Oh dear lord what a drama queen...

 

Ignore and move on.

 

He only wants you back because he has realised he isn't the super stud he thought he was... You go get yourself a real super stud ;)

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OneBigIdgit

if you want to have the relationship with him, then you really have to take this at face value. As a guy, I read this as he is actually trying to determine whether that relationship with you has any chance. It takes balls the size of bowling balls to ask a woman out in the 1st place. Just think how intimidating and overwhelming it is for a guy (with a conscience) to go back to someone they had wronged.

 

 

He was wrong in the ways he went about it but if you think about it, what he did is what Hollywood tells guys they must do. Make a impression. Propose by airplane pulling a banner, on television or something. He was going for that Hollywood impression the only way he could.

 

 

His chat with you started off confident and boastful, showing you the type of life after breakup that he'd want you to believe. However, as he talked, the reality came out and the truth set in. This is a guy who is emotionally trying to present himself in the best light possible to you. He did finally say the correct things to gauge whether you would EVER be interested in being with him again. Even went so far as venture into reactions from friends and family. I think he is earnest. I think he is close to broken.

 

 

In my opinion as a guy,,,,,,,,I'd tell him that you have been thinking about what he said. I'd say that you didn't think he cared for you at all and you had moved on and was ready to begin a new life without him. I'd say, Im listening if you can tell me in plain language why I should give you another chance to break my heart and soul in pieces.

 

 

 

 

NC is already broken. Have this talk with him before you start NC again. He went to extremes to have this chance to talk to you. He will again and it will break NC again unless you give him this chance to convince you.

 

 

I hope this works out in any manner that you hope. As a guy, I can see how difficult it would be to approach you and have this conversation. To me, it means a lot that he did it in person. Most here have had their exes contact them through emails and texts. I think he really put himself out there to go to the trouble to have this conversation with you

 

 

If you think about it, he only brought up the friends thing as any manner to stay close to you. He threw other options out there first. It isn't like the only offer he gave you was friends. He was grasping at anything he could to work on correcting the wrong

Edited by OneBigIdgit
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OneBigIdgit

Peguni, think about this from a guys perspective. The part where he sorta says he didn't realize how much he cared about you.

 

 

I believe this is very much a guy thing. I am guilty of the same problem. It might appear that I/we take a relationship and person for granted when in reality, WE JUST DONT KNOW.

I told this next statement years back to a girl that I let move in with me and we both knew and agreed that it was going to be a short term arrangement. She needed a place to stay to get away from an abusive bf. We both talked right up front about how we weren't interested in getting serious. After 3 days with me, she told me that she was starting to have feelings. I told her:

I won't know if I love you until I miss you. I said it as an offhand comment but after I said it, I realized for a lot of guys, it is true. I gave her an example of a guys reasoning:

 

 

Lets say on Monday, we take a new date to dinner. On Tuesday we go back to work, enjoy our hobbies. On Wednesday, pretty much the same. On Thursday we start thinking, wow, I had fun on Monday. On Friday we finally decide to give new date a call and give her 15 minutes to get ready to go out. A guy has to miss a person before the true feelings start to seep into our brains.

 

 

My current ex, I told her right up front that I won't know if I love you until I miss you. She walked right into my life professing deep love and admiration for me. I know that love doesn't come that easily for me so I tried to slow her down with little success. I thought throughout the whole 21 month relationship that while she was very fun to be with, I thought feelings for her were so/so. Until she left. Only after the break did I realize how truly strong my feelings for her had developed. 2 1/2 months out and I'm still having vivid dreams of her. Not sexual. Just day to day things. And I never dream about anything or I don't remember them. I remember dreams of her very well.

 

 

If you really look at what this guy is telling you, I think the reality of what he had did hit him after he'd left. I think he really does feel that he destroyed the best thing he'd ever had and probably would ever have.

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Thanks everyone for your input. Just to update this post, yesterday he texted me again and I told him friendship wasn't an option for me. At least not at this time. He took it pretty bad and kept how he can't accept not having me in his life and this and that. He's extremely confusing when it comes to "us" in the future. He's basically wishy washy about the whole thing. I have a friend who read the texts and basically concluded that from what he's saying, he doesn't want to be the one to ask for reconciliation because of "pride". Too bad for him if that's the case because I won't be the one to bring it up. He broke up with me, if he finds it was a mistake, it's for him to man up and tell me. He was acting extremely friendly when he was trying to convince me to try friendship and after hours of going back and forth, I declined and his whole approach to me completely changed. He became cold and distant. Anyway I'm going back to NC because I was doing really well before everything happened and I need to get back on track.

 

Basically he refuses to let me go but refuses to actually have me in his life as his partner.

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I agree with the advice you've been given. This guy is majorly conflicted, that much is sure.

 

You need more time for this to play out. Months, probably. It's only been a month since you broke up and that really isn't enough time to give him perspective on his life without you in it. Right now he knows he's uncomfortable but he's not willing to do much about it.

 

Don't be afraid to let go and let him experience his life without you in it. In the meantime, rediscover who you are without him. Become comfortable with uncertainty and let time do its thing.

 

Do be very careful in your communications with him. Be warm but let him know that your decisions are 100% about you and your needs.

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That exactly what I'll do. I'm going back to NC for however long I need because I agree one month isn't long at all. I didn't get the time I wanted to heal fully and I need to go back to that. I never replied to his text yesterday evening but I feel I should let him know of my final decision before I go NC. Most people are telling me to just disappear and forget him but I do feel it's only polite to inform.

 

The only issue in all this is how I feel forced to move on in a certain time frame because in June, he, I and our group of friends have a trip planned to a cottage and whether we like it or not, we'll have to be under the same roof for 4 days. That may be awkward...

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