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Ex left me for guy she cheated with - Having trouble coping


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Hello again friends,

 

This post is in regards to another post i made last week (link below)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/521132-she-cheated-left-me-him-did-i-lose-my-dignity

 

I'll give a brief summary.

 

We were together for nearlly a year an a half. Moved in together after 11 months. She (19) was infatuated with me (23). Loved me unconditionally. She was very needy and emotionally dependant on me. She was the chaser in the relationship, always trying to impress me, do things i want to do. She always felt intellectually inferior to me etc...I loved her, yet being her emotional crutch was tiring and sometimes unattractive to me.

 

She went away for a festival - cheated on me with this guy - came home and broke up with me without telling me about the guy she slept with. We had to keep living together until she found a place, Somehow the flame rekindled, we were having sex, showering together, sleeping together again, knowing that she was still going to move out and it was over.

I looked at her facebook whilst she was out of the room, to feed my curiosity as i was still perplexed by the suddeness of all this. Found out she slept with this guy and was still talking to him and flirting with him. Confronted her about it. She said that they had a 'connection' and that he made her feel more desired.

 

This was nearlly a month ago, the whole process has dragged out because moved twice in this period, both times i helped her move. We talked alot about it, i have so much guilt for making her feel so unloved whilst we were together, yet im still so hurt she didnt talk to me about it and just cheated instead...

I forgave her for cheating, and said that i just want her to be happy..

 

We hung out as friend a couple of days ago - had fun, laughed together. She then feels the need to tell me that she is flying back to the other state that the festival was in to spend the entire easter break with this new guy - which shattered me. She seems to have gotten over me so quickly, whilst i miss her so much. I've written her so many emails about how sorry i am that i made her feel unloved, and that im still here for her.

 

I initiated no contact with her (after a month of conversations). I know she is flying out tonight to go see him. All i can think about is her having a great time and completely forgetting that we had fun together. I cant stop thinking that she has absolutely no guilt over what happened, and that she is going to be telling all her friends "im so glad to be rid of him".

 

Im so sick of the up and down roller coaster. One minute wanting to be there for her and be her friend, the next wanting to yell at her and make her feel horrible. I dont know how im going to get through the weekend knowing she is going to be having a great 'honeymoon' time with this guy...whilst im here regretting everything.

 

HELP!

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Strength in Healing

So, basically, that breaks down to you have so much guilt for her cheating on you.

 

I would help you -- if you were near by, I would knock sense into you. One or two hits should do the trick.

 

WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You are justifying her disgusting behavior. You blame yourself for her being handicapped mentally and treating you like garbage. That is the definition of beta. You might as well rub her feet while she goes on dates with that other guy. Even pay for their dinner.

 

You NEED to tell her to get the hell out, and tell her you probably would've made her feel more desired if you DID desire her more -- however, you don't, and the reason you don't is because she is so screwed up.

 

She is trying to fill a void. Another girl I bet who has family issues... wonder where her parents are at...

Edited by Strength in Healing
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I cant stop thinking that she has absolutely no guilt over what happened, and that she is going to be telling all her friends "im so glad to be rid of him".

 

HELP!

I'll help you. Remember how she was so totally infatuated with you? That's how she is with the new guy. She's not even thinking about you, much less telling her friends anything about you.

 

I'd advise you to start doing the same.

 

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She does have family issues....father was never around. I was her emotional crutch. she was so dependant on me. I always tried to give her so much space to do her own thing so she would grow stronger and more indipendant. She interpretted that as 'he doesnt care about me'.

 

I did really love her - im not a grand gesture kind of guy, which she thought was because i didnt care about her.

 

Would there be any point in getting angry at her now? After i forgave her, made her feel ok with what she did. I stupidly said we could be friends, and she wanted to hang out everyday for the last week before i started no contact.

 

Every time i've resolved her of her guilt i just want to yell at her.

 

Every time i made her feel guilty i just wanted to cheer her up again.

 

I cant decide which one is better - leave her with some kind of affection for me for being so good to her about the whole thing - or leave her feeling guilty and shameful.

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Strength in Healing

Go ahead and tell her she's your biggest mistake, and thank her for her choosing some other guy's life to ruin.

 

Then block her. And laugh. It'll suck for you for now, but 10 years down the road you'll be glad you did it. The high road is no good.

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*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies.

*Block any and all means she might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything she is doing or saying.

 

Perfect.

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I think that this is the point i am at.

 

I know there is aboslutely no chance of getting her back, not really sure if i want her back anyway. It's probably just the lack of control that makes me want her back -

 

TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD?

 

or

 

TO TAKE THE LOW ROAD?

 

Which will make her regret it more?

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Strength in Healing

She doesn't care about you either way. She burnt the bridge, so go ahead and drop the nuke on her city.

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I cant decide which one is better - leave her with some kind of affection for me for being so good to her about the whole thing - or leave her feeling guilty and shameful.
You didn't understand a word I said, did you?
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Why did she keep wanting to hang out with me afterwards then?

 

She messaged me at MIDNIGHT to ask if i wanted to go and get some icecream?

 

Why would she do that?

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frigginlost
Why did she keep wanting to hang out with me afterwards then?

 

She messaged me at MIDNIGHT to ask if i wanted to go and get some icecream?

 

Why would she do that?

 

Because she can...

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Strength in Healing

Probably messaged you because her and the other dude were having a disagreement. She was trusting you would be a good dog when she yanked the leash.

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Why did she keep wanting to hang out with me afterwards then?

 

She messaged me at MIDNIGHT to ask if i wanted to go and get some icecream?

 

*Why would she do that?

 

*She gets an ego boost from knowing that you are sat there, thinking about her, and still interested in what she's doing.

 

Solution?

 

Stop it.

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Why did she keep wanting to hang out with me afterwards then?

 

She messaged me at MIDNIGHT to ask if i wanted to go and get some icecream?

 

Why would she do that?

 

Because she's bored.

 

Because the other guy is too far away to go with her.

 

Because she wants to keep you on the back burner.

 

Because she really wanted some ice cream.

 

Because she enjoys having you as her beck and call boy.

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Alright - Thank you all for your replies.

 

Though some vary, the common theme is that she doesnt give a ***** about me.

 

How do i move forward?

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Your next step is simple to say, but difficult to do.

 

You have to believe us. Deep down in your heart, believe with no doubt.

 

After that, the rest is relatively easy.

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frigginlost
Alright - Thank you all for your replies.

 

Though some vary, the common theme is that she doesnt give a ***** about me.

 

How do i move forward?

 

You remind yourself that every time you are "available" to her, you lose a little more of your dignity in replying.

 

It's tough man. I struggle every hour with it. But it has to be that way. You're not a doormat.

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Thank you all for your support.

 

I know you are all right - It's just hard to accept it.

 

I feel like if i just keeping thinking about it and analysing it that i'll come to a conclusion that gives me peace - however from reading other's posts i have concluded that only time will give me peace...

 

I have completely gone no contact - deleted her number (didnt block it) and all social media etc. I know she wont contact me over the next five days (whilst she is with this guy) - but I'm just dreading getting a txt from her on Tuesday saying "hey can we walk?" - i know i'll get my hopes up, thinking she wants to get back with me - but my rational self knows that she is just wanting to let me know that she is in an official relationship with this guy.

 

I dont know how im going to sleep tonight, knowing that they are most probably at that very moment having sex and laughing together.

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I dont know how im going to sleep tonight, knowing that they are most probably at that very moment having sex and laughing together.

 

I've been where you are -- I got cheated on and dumped for the other woman.

 

Right now it's brutal because this clueless new guy is enjoying the honeymoon phase with your ex, and everyone knows how much fun that is (for the ten minutes it lasts).

 

Here's the deal: what you're feeling now, the pain and shock and disappointment.... that's where he's going to be in about six months from now. Your ex is a Honeymoon Phase Junkie, she'll go on hopping from one guy to the next, lying and cheating and rationalizing the whole way....

 

She's only going to bring misery to everyone she gets involved with.

 

I know you don't want to hear it, but you really HAVE dodged a bullet and getting this woman out of your life is a GIFT.

 

Check out the guide I posted above, it really WILL help you. ;)

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Thanks for the advice RUBY - i will check out the guide now.

 

The hardest part of this is accepting that she is a liar and a cheat..

 

I've taken on so much of the guilt for all of it. I feel like a matyr. I keep telling myself its ALL my fault for not showing her how much i care about her etc. But i guess that still doesnt justify lying and cheating..

 

Its so strange thinking so highly of someone one minute, then the next knowing that they are so selfish and inconsiderate of others feelings.

 

I let her get away with it.

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Well, she IS a liar and a cheater. No question about that.

 

And yeah, she'll undoubtedly continue to do this to the next guy.... and the next.... and the next.

 

A cheater's biggest line of defense (after denying) is to blame YOU for their cheating. Don't buy into it. No one deserves to be cheated on.

 

She's not the devil, she's just immature and self-centered and either lacks or ignores a moral compass. One day SHE'LL get hurt and then maybe she'll stop treating guys so badly.

 

Good luck to you! :)

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Alright - Thank you all for your replies.

 

Though some vary, the common theme is that she doesnt give a ***** about me.

 

How do i move forward?

 

No contact.

 

Block her.

Edited by Satu
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Thank you all for your support.

 

I know you are all right - It's just hard to accept it.

 

I feel like if i just keeping thinking about it and analysing it that i'll come to a conclusion that gives me peace - however from reading other's posts i have concluded that only time will give me peace...

 

I have completely gone no contact - deleted her number (didnt block it) and all social media etc. I know she wont contact me over the next five days (whilst she is with this guy) - but I'm just dreading getting a txt from her on Tuesday saying "hey can we walk?" - i know i'll get my hopes up, thinking she wants to get back with me - but my rational self knows that she is just wanting to let me know that she is in an official relationship with this guy.

 

I dont know how im going to sleep tonight, knowing that they are most probably at that very moment having sex and laughing together.

 

This possibility right here is why you really should block her number entirely. Trust me, it hurts like hell to cut off all lines of communication, and wonder if they're trying to get to you (which they won't be). But jumping every time the phone pings and hoping/dreading that its a text from her, analyzing the hell out of it if it is, either getting your hopes up or having them crushed all over again depending on what it says, and then agonizing over what/if to respond...THAT mess really hurts. That'll set you back right to where you were a few days ago. Not worth it. If she really needed to talk, she could come over, mail something, use other means.

 

My ex-husband left me for and married the other woman, so I can relate to what you're feeling. The one silver lining is that you don't have to wonder and worry about when they're seeing someone else. You can deal with it right away. And you know what? My ex and the OW made it three years, and she cheated on him with someone else alright. She left him for the other guy, who turned out to be his own brother. I laughed a bit, but honestly didn't care at that point. You'll get there too, I promise.

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This possibility right here is why you really should block her number entirely. Trust me, it hurts like hell to cut off all lines of communication, and wonder if they're trying to get to you (which they won't be). But jumping every time the phone pings and hoping/dreading that its a text from her, analyzing the hell out of it if it is, either getting your hopes up or having them crushed all over again depending on what it says, and then agonizing over what/if to respond...THAT mess really hurts. That'll set you back right to where you were a few days ago. Not worth it. If she really needed to talk, she could come over, mail something, use other means.

 

My ex-husband left me for and married the other woman, so I can relate to what you're feeling. The one silver lining is that you don't have to wonder and worry about when they're seeing someone else. You can deal with it right away. And you know what? My ex and the OW made it three years, and she cheated on him with someone else alright. She left him for the other guy, who turned out to be his own brother. I laughed a bit, but honestly didn't care at that point. You'll get there too, I promise.

 

^^^ This ^^^

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