MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) So I went through a really HARD breakup 4 1/2 years ago. My ex lied to me to a ridiculous extent! I vowed to never date again and whatnot, but I met a girl about 5 months ago...we started talking and getting to know each other. It kind of happened on accident... Anyways I liked her, she liked me. But it was getting more serious...we had a small disagreement and I got pretty mad at her. It wasn't anything big but after that I just pretty much ending things. (I got scared of how serious it was getting and looked for an easy exit I guess) I told her this is a bad idea and crap, but I really believed it too! I don't think I will ever be able to date again thanks to my ex. I just keep thinking about how much I loved her (my ex) and how she ending things so suddenly and devasted me. Now I don't wanna give any other girl the power/chance to do the same. I feel bad that I hurt this girls feelings. I don't know what I'm asking here, I guess I just needed to vent...? I just know I'm not happy, and I don't know what to do anymore! Edited March 28, 2015 by MLAZ1990 Link to post Share on other sites
Karin2rinkashi Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 So I went through a really HARD breakup 4 1/2 years ago. My ex lied to me to a ridiculous extent! I vowed to never date again and whatnot, but I met a girl about 5 months ago...we started talking and getting to know each other. It kind of happened on accident... Anyways I liked her, she liked me. But it was getting more serious...we had a small disagreement and I got pretty mad at her. It wasn't anything big but after that I just pretty much ending things. (I got scared of how serious it was getting and looked for an easy exit I guess) I told her this is a bad idea and crap, but I really believed it too! I don't think I will ever be able to date again thanks to my ex. I just keep thinking about how much I loved her (my ex) and how she ending things so suddenly and devasted me. Now I don't wanna give any other girl the power/chance to do the same. I feel bad that I hurt this girls feelings. I don't know what I'm asking here, I guess I just needed to vent...? I just know I'm not happy, and I don't know what to do anymore! Whatever you ex did to you, and whatever lies she told, she is gone. living her life in the way she wants. Are you going to let the bad in this world be dominant over the good? Are you going let her win? ask yourself? do you want her to win? Winning isn't about being the dumper, winning is about living life better than the other person who hurt you.... And DO NOT FEEL bad for giving your 100% to even the worst of the people.... Think about what it is like living with this motto " I only give THE BEST of myself to others. The less than the THE BEST i work on in my own time" Always give the best, you will find the best.... in time! Maybe, you can make things get to normal with this other lady again... I am not sure but maybe you can be honest with her about your heartbreak... Someone else can shed light on this suggestion? Let her know why you are so cautious.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Whatever you ex did to you, and whatever lies she told, she is gone. living her life in the way she wants. Are you going to let the bad in this world be dominant over the good? Are you going let her win? ask yourself? do you want her to win? Winning isn't about being the dumper, winning is about living life better than the other person who hurt you.... And DO NOT FEEL bad for giving your 100% to even the worst of the people.... Think about what it is like living with this motto " I only give THE BEST of myself to others. The less than the THE BEST i work on in my own time" Always give the best, you will find the best.... in time! She already won a long time ago! She dumped me and was in a new relationship within a month later. Meanwhile, I sat there missing her! Self destructing at every turn. She's been happy with the new guy for 4 1/2 years I guess and her I am on the forum...she's won! 4 1/2 years and she creeps into my head constantly. I have had my chances to date and have blew them! The past few times it wasn't bad because I just told a girl I'm not trying to date and that's the end of it. This time I actually got to know this poor girl and then crushed her. I did tell her about my past, she was sweet and tried to help. I'm doomed! Link to post Share on other sites
BlackbirdSong Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 MLA, how old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 MLA, how old are you? I'm 24 years old Link to post Share on other sites
BlackbirdSong Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I'm 24 years old You are SO young my friend. You have your whole life ahead of you. You're not even in your prime yet. ****, I wish I was 24 again (i'm 37). Go grab life by the balls man, establish yourself, and the girl of your dreams will come into your life. It WILL happen even if you don't see it right now. I was married at 25 to the most incredible woman I had ever met, divorced two years later. It took me ten years to get over it (although I was in two serious LTRs during that period). After the divorce I thought I would never meet a woman that was as pretty or as good as my ex-wife; I was wrong. They are out there and they do want to be with you (if you've fixed your wounds). As I'm in mourning of my own failed relationship, I wish it was as easy to "practice what I preach", but it's much easier for younger guys. God Bless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 You are SO young my friend. You have your whole life ahead of you. You're not even in your prime yet. ****, I wish I was 24 again (i'm 37). Go grab life by the balls man, establish yourself, and the girl of your dreams will come into your life. It WILL happen even if you don't see it right now. I was married at 25 to the most incredible woman I had ever met, divorced two years later. It took me ten years to get over it (although I was in two serious LTRs during that period). After the divorce I thought I would never meet a woman that was as pretty or as good as my ex-wife; I was wrong. They are out there and they do want to be with you (if you've fixed your wounds). As I'm in mourning of my own failed relationship, I wish it was as easy to "practice what I preach", but it's much easier for younger guys. God Bless. You have no idea how much harder it is for younger guys! I don't know if you've walked out the door lately, but have you seen this generation growing up now? Girls don't like guys like me. They like *******s and losers! My ex left me for a gangbanger that sells drugs for a living LOL!!! She was my dream girl, and there will never be someone close to her! Girls like douchebags and cheaters! And I am neither. Therefore will always come second to those guys! Link to post Share on other sites
BlackbirdSong Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 You have no idea how much harder it is for younger guys! I don't know if you've walked out the door lately, but have you seen this generation growing up now? Girls don't like guys like me. They like *******s and losers! My ex left me for a gangbanger that sells drugs for a living LOL!!! She was my dream girl, and there will never be someone close to her! Lol, i'm a high school teacher so I see it every day. The pretty girls seem to always go for the biggest losers (much like you describe in your situation, i am sorry). However in retrospect, you will see that you don't really want a girl with that type of character (I know it's difficult to see it now. You are in the fog of war right now). My current ex's bf before me was a user and a small time dealer and although she left him for me (easily a much better choice), it didn't turn out well for me. Some girls just like the ****bags and that is NOT a reflection on us, but it is of them. Give it time, you will find somebody that is genuine and will love you like you love them. She will be pure of character. She will be better than your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
DatingAdvise Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Learn some relation skills. Grow some set of balls and move on. I bet if u understand how to handle things the proper way u attract a much better girl into your life that will alway's respect you. I know for sure you had make to much mistakes with this girl. A men who succesfull with woman never arque or let **** dimmish him in no single way. Also that dude who she is hooking up now, was a line up way before u thought everything were okay. Learn the sign of the woman who loses respect slowly over time. This chick were lying but she also creates drama to get sure of her self that dumping u was the right thing so she doesn't have a quilty feeling and could hookup with that dude. Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 You have no idea how much harder it is for younger guys! I don't know if you've walked out the door lately, but have you seen this generation growing up now? Girls don't like guys like me. They like *******s and losers! My ex left me for a gangbanger that sells drugs for a living LOL!!! She was my dream girl, and there will never be someone close to her! Girls like douchebags and cheaters! And I am neither. Therefore will always come second to those guys! I think the big question is why are you pining after someone who did you dirty. She lied to you 'to a ridiculous extent' and yet you're acting like you lost out on some winner. So some liar ended up with a deadbeat drug dealer. Sounds like they deserve each other. There will never be someone close to her? Think of what you're saying. No one close to someone who lies repeatedly? Come again? How is that a catch? Am I missing something here? Sounds like you let a good girl go because you're stuck in this rut over your loser of an ex. The latest girl is lucky you cut her loose to find someone who has a sharper mentality. Fix your mentality, fix the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Lol, i'm a high school teacher so I see it every day. The pretty girls seem to always go for the biggest losers (much like you describe in your situation, i am sorry). However in retrospect, you will see that you don't really want a girl with that type of character (I know it's difficult to see it now. You are in the fog of war right now). My current ex's bf before me was a user and a small time dealer and although she left him for me (easily a much better choice), it didn't turn out well for me. Some girls just like the ****bags and that is NOT a reflection on us, but it is of them. Give it time, you will find somebody that is genuine and will love you like you love them. She will be pure of character. She will be better than your ex. But you see that's the thing, this girl i just recently crushed was perfect for me. Not a bad thing to say about her, we have so much in common it's scary. And I broke it off with her over nothing. There are huge things we have in common that I thought I'd never find with someone else and it made no difference in my decision to end it so suddenly. And it all comes back to my ex, and how broken I am. Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 P.S. It's guys like you who should stay out of the dating pool until you figure your sh/t out, because you just cause problems for those of us who are seeking real, true love. None of this bs about putting someone on a pedestal who did you horribly wrong. To expect someone to live up to your indecent ex is to expect someone to lower themselves to the category of being a lying, emotional destructive person. You should advertise that as what you're seeking, instead of dragging innocent kind-hearted people into the mix, to be dragged down with you into the torrent of emotional destruction. It's not fair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackbirdSong Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 But you see that's the thing, this girl i just recently crushed was perfect for me. Not a bad thing to say about her, we have so much in common it's scary. And I broke it off with her over nothing. There are huge things we have in common that I thought I'd never find with someone else and it made no difference in my decision to end it so suddenly. And it all comes back to my ex, and how broken I am. You broke it off, so why don't you reach out? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 P.S. It's guys like you who should stay out of the dating pool until you figure your sh/t out, because you just cause problems for those of us who are seeking real, true love. None of this bs about putting someone on a pedestal who did you horribly wrong. To expect someone to live up to your indecent ex is to expect someone to lower themselves to the category of being a lying, emotional destructive person. You should advertise that as what you're seeking, instead of dragging innocent kind-hearted people into the mix, to be dragged down with you into the torrent of emotional destruction. It's not fair. I stayed out of the dating game for a long time! Did you not read the part where I said "I told a few girls I'm not trying to date". The thing with this girl happened on an accident kind of. I felt like I was ready and I was wrong . Not like I did it on purpose! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 You broke it off, so why don't you reach out? Reach out to her? Because I still believe how I felt. I said it was a bad idea and I believe it was. I'm not ready to date and dont know when I'll be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DatingAdvise Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 To get on the horse so to speak, you have to date girls. Stopping and sitting in your chair looking at the wall wil not help your case. U have to move on, get more experience, learn more about woman behaviour and the way the feel about and i bet you find someone who is a much better communicator, much more effected. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 To get on the horse so to speak, you have to date girls. Stopping and sitting in your chair looking at the wall wil not help your case. U have to move on, get more experience, learn more about woman behaviour and the way the feel about and i bet you find someone who is a much better communicator, much more effected. Yeah but I don't wanna get crushed again. My ex destroyed me and I don't wanna go through it again. Once was enough! Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Well, have you considered therapy? You can't let fear rule your life. With love, comes the risk of getting hurt, and you WILL inevitably get hurt. This is part of life and you must accept it. With no risk, there is no reward. Look, we all have fear. However, you must push through it. However, I think therapy may be warranted in your case since it's been so long and you're still harboring such resentment and feel you got the short end of the stick, even though it sounds like your ex is not someone to be desired. You're definitely not over it if you're making generalizations based on your past experience with her. You need to work through your issues stemming from the BU, and be clear to others about your intentions, because it sounds like from your current pov, no one will measure up to your ex, but your measuring stick is quite faulty. Link to post Share on other sites
DatingAdvise Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 U are not the first one that experience a bad break-up. It sucks. Heal it to feel it. The only way to forget her faster is dating people. I know at the moment u are attached to her indentity, its a drug but believe me it heals a lot quicker if you keep circulating. If your blood stop pumping what do you expect what happening? If the earth stops spinning, i think thats a bad way...... Learn from your mistakes. Never contact her again. Relationsship only works if both make the efforts. Don't love someone who doesn't love you any more it make no sense. IF she have in the future some level of interest and it doesn't work out with that other dude, she will contact you IF u have communicated that your door are open. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Well, have you considered therapy? You can't let fear rule your life. With love, comes the risk of getting hurt, and you WILL inevitably get hurt. This is part of life and you must accept it. With no risk, there is no reward. Look, we all have fear. However, you must push through it. However, I think therapy may be warranted in your case since it's been so long and you're still harboring such resentment and feel you got the short end of the stick, even though it sounds like your ex is not someone to be desired. You're definitely not over it if you're making generalizations based on your past experience with her. You need to work through your issues stemming from the BU, and be clear to others about your intentions, because it sounds like from your current pov, no one will measure up to your ex, but your measuring stick is quite faulty. She is not desired now, it's just she was when we started dating. She was amazing. That's what I miss, and what kills me when I think of her. I don't like who she is now and I wouldn't date her if someone paid me to. You're right about the risk and reward thing, but it's just too big a risk in my opinion. What she did to me was just so devastating, I don't think I could handle it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 U are not the first one that experience a bad break-up. It sucks. Heal it to feel it. The only way to forget her faster is dating people. I know at the moment u are attached to her indentity, its a drug but believe me it heals a lot quicker if you keep circulating. If your blood stop pumping what do you expect what happening? If the earth stops spinning, i think thats a bad way...... Learn from your mistakes. Never contact her again. Relationsship only works if both make the efforts. Don't love someone who doesn't love you any more it make no sense. IF she have in the future some level of interest and it doesn't work out with that other dude, she will contact you IF u have communicated that your door are open. I don't love her. She just pops in my head constantly. I'm over her, but not the whole situation kind of. Like, I'd never date her again, but I can't accept the way it went and what I was left with...idk, I'm lost... Link to post Share on other sites
Jamesgar Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 There is nothing wrong with dating but you shouldn't be hard on yourself! Your clearly not ready for another relationship yet. Be happy first in yourself! You can put the pressure of being 'needed' etc on someone else to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 She is not desired now, it's just she was when we started dating. She was amazing. That's what I miss, and what kills me when I think of her. I don't like who she is now and I wouldn't date her if someone paid me to. You're right about the risk and reward thing, but it's just too big a risk in my opinion. What she did to me was just so devastating, I don't think I could handle it again. Yes, but she is not who she presented herself to be at the beginning. She showed her true colors, and they are what they are. You have to accept that. It seems you miss the idealized version of her, and not who she is. If you want to let your past hurt dictate your future, you run the risk of not experiencing the joy of a healthy, prosperous relationship, and one that better suits you. I think this is worth the risk and you need to get to the bottom of why you don't feel this way. I've been through the devastation from a breakup, and I've seen the lowest of lows, but I've chosen to forge ahead, and to have faith, because I believe in love, and I believe that there's something better awaiting me. To condemn the potential of a future relationship because of my past is not fair to me, or to the rest of the world. You have to dust yourself off at some point and keep fighting. Love is worth fighting for, I believe. I think therapy might help you. It sounds like you have much healing to do. What have you done since the BU, to heal, to grow, to improve? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Yes, but she is not who she presented herself to be at the beginning. She showed her true colors, and they are what they are. You have to accept that. It seems you miss the idealized version of her, and not who she is. If you want to let your past hurt dictate your future, you run the risk of not experiencing the joy of a healthy, prosperous relationship, and one that better suits you. I think this is worth the risk and you need to get to the bottom of why you don't feel this way. I've been through the devastation from a breakup, and I've seen the lowest of lows, but I've chosen to forge ahead, and to have faith, because I believe in love, and I believe that there's something better awaiting me. To condemn the potential of a future relationship because of my past is not fair to me, or to the rest of the world. You have to dust yourself off at some point and keep fighting. Love is worth fighting for, I believe. I think therapy might help you. It sounds like you have much healing to do. What have you done since the BU, to heal, to grow, to improve? Well since the BU, I've got a decent job and now make good money. And I bought myself my dream car! That's about it though. I can't seem to pick up where I left off before the break up. Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Mlaz, it sounds like you've made some progress then towards your goals, if a well-playing job and a nice car is what you have been seeking. Emotionally-speaking though, it seems you have work to do to get you beyond this slump of having this doubtful perspective on relationships and the fear that you will suffer to the extreme that you did after the breakup with your ex. That's why I mentioned therapy might be helpful. Do you workout? Have friends? What are your other relationships like? Are you happy on the whole? What is holding you back do you think? It's hard to really give well-rounded advice without knowing the full story. Just given the bits and pieces you've offered though, I think you delving into your emotional health might be a starting point, since it has been quite some time since the breakup and you are still attached in a way. You say 4.5 yrs ago right? How long were you and the ex together? Link to post Share on other sites
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