Alan_17 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 why to use no contact i get the fact that it takes 31 days for the human emotion to be recycled and become replaced with the good times right? and people say you should move on with your life...but how can you do that when you know the woman you want to be with and love is your ex....... why not to use no contact surely using this only assures that your ex partner will only move on with their life. you are giving them the option to meet new people and most likely they will find someone better than your-self hence the fact that he/she dumped you. by being around them and messaging them does that not make it harder for them to move on? again the fact that you dont message or talk to them for 31days shows that you dont give a **** im just really confused on this topic please enlighten me Link to post Share on other sites
Reality015 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 why to use no contact i get the fact that it takes 31 days for the human emotion to be recycled and become replaced with the good times right? and people say you should move on with your life...but how can you do that when you know the woman you want to be with and love is your ex....... why not to use no contact surely using this only assures that your ex partner will only move on with their life. you are giving them the option to meet new people and most likely they will find someone better than your-self hence the fact that he/she dumped you. by being around them and messaging them does that not make it harder for them to move on? again the fact that you dont message or talk to them for 31days shows that you dont give a **** im just really confused on this topic please enlighten me No contact is about moving forward with your life & not live in the past. Love is a drug. It's like weaning yourself off that drug. If you keep in touch with your ex you cannot possibly move forward as you keep injecting yourself with the drug. http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com/NoContact Personally it takes more than 31 days to recover. Everybody is different. I'd say at least 100 days. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alan_17 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 yes but thats my point exactly if you want your ex back, why would you allow them time to heal, once they have healed it is impossible to get them back! Link to post Share on other sites
Reality015 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 yes but thats my point exactly if you want your ex back, why would you allow them time to heal, once they have healed it is impossible to get them back! Oh NC is not a strategy for getting your ex back. Honestly how many relationships that break up get back together & actually work? They might work for a few weeks, months & then the same issues arise & you break up again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 yes but thats my point exactly if you want your ex back, why would you allow them time to heal, once they have healed it is impossible to get them back! If you truly love her then you would want her happy. Besides pushing will only make her dig in her heels and pull away even more. NC can work both ways. Maybe with some time she may come to understand its not what she wants, or maybe it is. The bottom line is you can't make someone want to be with you, if she doesn't then NC is as much for you then it is for her. Pushing to get her back if she "is gone" will only bring you more pain as she rejects you time and time again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alan_17 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 me and my ex have been going back a forth like a yoyo with the same repetitive arguments, i went to see the the day after and gave her a small gift and said enough is enough i cant take the arguments anymore...... she was shocked how i approached the situation i really can no longer handle any sort of arguments. i havent heard from her since then...... maybe in 2 weeks i can meet her for a coffee if she agrees not the bring up our past and start a clean page. the arguments cannot be resolved accept for us both accepting and learning from our mistakes Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 If you are the dumper you go NC to give the person you rejected space & time to get over you. If you are the dumpee you go NC to help you get over them. It's like a scab if you keep picking at it, the wound doesn't heal. You are correct that if you want to reconcile you have to walk & work though the problems together but if one person doesn't want to work at it, you have no other choices. Repeatedly trying to communicate with somebody who doesn't want anything to do with you is self destructive & can cross over into stalking / harassment. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 If you and your gf are arguing to the point of breaking up then you need to reassess the relationship and your own behaviour in it. She has accepted the break and has essentially blocked you from her life and that is fine. I guess she will have realised arguing nonstop is not for her either and is attempting to move on via NC. However, if you truly want her back then YOU as the dumper must apologise, say you do not want to split with her and say you want to talk, to get your relationship back on track. She may or may not agree. However you need to think this through thoroughly BEFORE contacting her, I know you miss her, but do you really want to continue a relationship that is making you both, I guess, miserable. If you are unsure, then leave her be, to grieve and heal, it was just not meant to be, and you can move on too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Smokeshow Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 If there is true love in your relationship it won't matter how long you are apart you will find each other again. NC is essential after a BU in order for you to work on yourself, improve yourself and to love yourself! This is what attracts him or her back to you. People have natural chemistry. You and your ex obviously possessed a natural chemistry. It doesn't matter how far apart you keep sodium (Na) from chloride (Cl), the instant they are close enough together they WILL form salt (NaCl) period! Same for you and your ex if you get YOURSELF back on track. So make make it about you starting NOW! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ZiggyZoo Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I've always used NC as a period of time post breakup to let the dust settle and emotions calm down before assessing the situation. Figure out what happened and what my role was in it all. To heal my broken heart and come to terms with the fact that someone is no longer a part of my life. And I think it takes a MINIMUM of 90 days to achieve this. It is absolutely not a method for getting your ex back. The fact of the matter is, when one person in a relationship wants out, there is no longer any relationship. It is done. If there is to be any reconciliation, it has to be as a new relationship entirely, with the issues that ended the old one completely resolved. This, I feel, takes a least six months. These times are a generalization of course, but it takes much longer than 31 days for sure. As far as the other person moving on, that is a real possibility. If they're done though, they're done. No amount of NC and trying to make them miss you is going to make any difference here. Chances are, you aren't even in their thoughts anymore anyway. My personal belief is that what is meant to be, will be. If it means a separation of two years to come around back together, that's what it takes. Use NC to look at your behavior in a relationship, and improve whatever you think needs improving. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 You do NC to have power over yourself, not somebody else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 You can't make someone love you and want to be with you. Regardless of how much love you have for her/him. So, when the relationship is broken, it is that way for a reason. If they move on Its because they wanted to, and not you. So, the fact you are worried she'll move on, it will happen either way, contact or no contact. Again, you have no control over another's decisions. Same, if they want you back, it will happen either way, contact or no contact. So, to answer your question, no contact is important for your own self. Self healing & health. By holding on you remain stuck and will envitably waste time, time that could put you in alignment with a relationship that is right for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BobbyS95 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 How does NC work after being friend-zoned? And if the person admits to previously having feelings for you, would that change anything about the NC (If you're supposed to go NC at all)? Link to post Share on other sites
Otter2569 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Great thread and I completely get it but... What if this person was the love of my life (families spent time together, vacations, talk of a future etc) until some of her issues and insecurities started to push me away. What if I was a complete douche: at my breaking point I shut down, drove to her place while she was at work, packed my **** and left. No phone call, no FACE TO FACE, no text. Just gone. We since exchanged some texts which quickly became heated and reminded me of exactly why I left. However I feel I owe her an apology? Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Great thread and I completely get it but... What if this person was the love of my life (families spent time together, vacations, talk of a future etc) until some of her issues and insecurities started to push me away. What if I was a complete douche: at my breaking point I shut down, drove to her place while she was at work, packed my **** and left. No phone call, no FACE TO FACE, no text. Just gone. We since exchanged some texts which quickly became heated and reminded me of exactly why I left. However I feel I owe her an apology? You probably do owe her an apology, Otter. This is considering you said yourself you were a complete douche and packed up your **** and left without a word. That's cowardly and you really should apologize for being so rude. Furthermore, your gut is usually right. If you feel you owe her an apology, you probably do. From the behavior you described, it seems like an apology is in order. I read somewhere love is about compromise rather than fighting and fighting rather than leaving. You exited when times got rough. If you really loved her and she was the one, you would have stayed and tried to work things out, rather than cutting out because you couldn't deal with your SO's issues. No issue is insurmountable if it's true love. All else is fake love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Otter2569 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Thanks Dyna. It makes me so sad they way things ended. In fairness, I told her and her counselor told her that her fighting style was not good for me. It was controlling, excessive and nothing I said mattered. I talked about treating each other with more respect, work on forgiving cut down on the yelling and increase the listening when we disagree...it NEVER changed. It actually seemed to get worse. Regardless, I owe her an apology. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 IMO, the reasons revolve around stimulus response and emotional memories, essentially triggers in our brains. Remove the stimulus and the triggers for emotional memories wane and new memories take their place, relegating them to the back of the 'filing cabinet' that is our brain. Some people may not gain any value from NC simply because they can file stuff away and forget about it regardless of stimulus. For others, they've processed out the emotional memories while in the milieu and it appears they've quickly 'moved on' but in reality had processed out all the stuff prior so have no problems with contact because the contact has no emotional content of significance. Everyone is different. IMO, the folks who don't have any use nor need for NC don't post up their breakups, rather simply move on. In fact, they might find our discussions on such matters ludicrous, or 'stupid' as my exW used to opine. Different strokes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Well Otter, it is a shame that maybe you just weren't compatible. Sometimes that happens. I mean, if you continue to try to resolve the issue and it never gets resolved despite your best efforts, then I can see why you must part ways. I know how it can be when love isn't enough. I'm kind of contradicting the last line in my above post, because in actuality, you can love someone, but that love may still not be enough to continue with the relationship. I guess what I meant was, if you feel it's worth working through the issues, you will stay and try to work through the issues, but I realize sometimes the differences are truly irreconcilable. I've been there so I know. You have to use your best judgment, and it seems you have analyzed it and have reached a reasonable conclusion. I know it is so unfortunate when you think 'but if only ____(insert behavior that is most bothersome) would change, it would work!' yet you know deep down that behavior is never going to change because it's surfaced too many times, and in your case, you've had discussions, and it's just been a pattern of behavior that's even gotten worse with time. I know that hurts and I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Otter2569 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Thanks again Dyna. Apology sent. Hopefully that gives us both the right to move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Hey Otter. No need to thank me. You did what you felt was right. I think it was the right thing to do too. Hope you're okay. I know these breakup times are rough waters. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Great thread and I completely get it but... What if this person was the love of my life (families spent time together, vacations, talk of a future etc) until some of her issues and insecurities started to push me away. What if I was a complete douche: at my breaking point I shut down, drove to her place while she was at work, packed my **** and left. No phone call, no FACE TO FACE, no text. Just gone. We since exchanged some texts which quickly became heated and reminded me of exactly why I left. However I feel I owe her an apology? I think she is owed an apology, yes, but what is your motive for that apology now and what good will it do? If you left as a knee jerk reaction and really you are regretting it and you her want back, then yes, hands and knees apology, I agree. BUT if you are convinced you did the right thing, then how is this apology going to look from her side? "He wants me back, he cares about me, it can work" that is how it is going to look. And if that is NOT what you want, then maybe it is better she hates you for a while, and then gets on with her life. Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I think she is owed an apology, yes, but what is your motive for that apology now and what good will it do? If you left as a knee jerk reaction and really you are regretting it and you her want back, then yes, hands and knees apology, I agree. BUT if you are convinced you did the right thing, then how is this apology going to look from her side? "He wants me back, he cares about me, it can work" that is how it is going to look. And if that is NOT what you want, then maybe it is better she hates you for a while, and then gets on with her life. If she interprets it as this, that is for her to sort through, but he needed to apologize IMHO. Leaving someone like that with no word is not right, no matter how you crack it. Every woman and man deserves an ending with words. No words is cowardly. Unless you've been there, it's hard to understand. And obviously he isn't convinced he did the right thing as he noted it was a douche move, to pack up and leave without so much as a note. The standard breakup is both sides say their piece and then part. Otherwise, one party is left hanging, and that is not fair, and results in residual feelings of guilt and unnecessary extra pain, as evidenced by this particular case w/Otter & his ex. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 yes but thats my point exactly if you want your ex back, why would you allow them time to heal, once they have healed it is impossible to get them back!Here's what you're missing. There are two possibilities: You want your ex back, and you believe it is possible.You want your ex back, and you know it is impossible. In the first case, NC will seem like a losing strategy, because you believe that if you don't keep yourself in front of her, she'll let you go for someone else. What you don't yet realize is that if she's going to do that, she'll do it regardless of whether you're around or not. In the second case, once you've stopped denying the reality of your situation, NC is for the express purpose of changing your feelings such that you don't want your ex back. Once you don't feel like you do (different than knowing you can't), aka "indifference", NC is completely unnecessary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 If she interprets it as this, that is for her to sort through, but he needed to apologize IMHO. Leaving someone like that with no word is not right, no matter how you crack it. Every woman and man deserves an ending with words. No words is cowardly. Unless you've been there, it's hard to understand. And obviously he isn't convinced he did the right thing as he noted it was a douche move, to pack up and leave without so much as a note. The standard breakup is both sides say their piece and then part. Otherwise, one party is left hanging, and that is not fair, and results in residual feelings of guilt and unnecessary extra pain, as evidenced by this particular case w/Otter & his ex. Yes I agree breaking up suddenly like that was not the right thing to do, but it is not as if they have not spoken albeit by text since. This apology is, I guess going to stir things up her end, and blur the edges of the break up a bit, and I would think give some her hope. This is a woman who as Otter has said "she had been cheated on by her ex husband, was in a ****ty relationship after that and has bouts of depression. She also doesn't have any close relationships with her friends or family." - I guess she is going to see this "apology", as way more than it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Otter2569 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Honestly, it is just as important for me as it is for her. It was a ****ty way to do it no matter how frustrated I was and its ****ty for her to have to deal with it like that. She wanted a life together and honestly so did I before the emotional baggage took us down. I always feel the need to walk away with my head held high and this was perhaps one of my all time worst moves. Link to post Share on other sites
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