He keeps breaking me; I keep letting him

[Stormysea]

Hi. This is my first post. Thanks in advance for any advice. This will be a little long.

 

We met in April of 2014 as friends.. In July him and his girlfriend split and she moved out. End of August we began to date.

Things were great, or so I thought. Families met, endless time spent together, great moments and memories, never fighting, wonderful sex, all seemed great.

End of October he starts to become distant, tells me he has been talking to his ex and he feels guilty for how their relationship ended (she attempted suicide) and he had to give it another try. I begged, I cried... Within two weeks he said he made a mistake, decided not to try and work things out with her and we got back together.

Repeat all of the above. Everything is great. He treats me wonderful, is sweet, romantic.. I really cannot tell you how he is everything I always wanted and after a mediocre 13 year relationship, didn't think existed.

Christmas eve he breaks up with me. Says it isn't because of her. He just feel we are more like friends than lovers.

This time I accept it. I can't change his feelings if that's how he feels. I don't beg, I don't cry to him. Two weeks pass and I find out he is with her again. He messages me and I am rude tto him for the first time ever. He ends up getting in a fight with her about how he is upset that I am being rude since we work together. He ends things with her once again. Tells me that he realized because of the idea that he may lose me that he once again made a mistake. That she always makes him feel guilty about their past, and how she's nearly homelessssleeping on couches and has no money for gas even and because she is adopted she has no family and tells him he's the reason she is all alone.

He tells me she is toxic to him and he hasn't been himself for the 1.5 years they were together. He needs to get away from her.

I tell him no, I won't take him back. He spent the next two weeks begging and crying. In the meantime I discover he ccreated on me with her in December. He says that' why he broke up with me, the guilt was too much.

More crying, more apologies, he even went as far as to go to my best friend for a sit down without my knowledge and cry to her and tell her how he has ruined the best thing he ever had and how much he loves me.

I cave again. Now last week at almost two months back together he starts getting distant again. Tells me he needs to go to therapy. The last year of his life and his actions are driving him insane. He isn't the man he once was and he feels broken He aagain admits to talking to her yet again. Says not to get back together but to work through old unresolved issues.

Says he doesn't know whether we should bread up or stay together. Says his mind is consumed with everything he has done to her and I.

Few days pass and I tell him I'll wait. He's who I want and I'll give him space to get therapy.. Then he changes his story aand says he needs to be alone. Says that he was the happiest he had ever been with his ex and he should have never not been with her.

 

This is after a million I love yous. A million promises. Introducing families and our children. Spending so much time together. And now I'm just so lost. I wish he had never came back after the Christmas breakup. How can you tell me you love me, do everything with me, involve my best friend, and then yet again decide I'm not what you want?

I blocked him from any communication this time because I am weak to him. Even after that pathetic story I love him and wish it were me he wants but he keeps going back to this roller-coaster relationship with his ex and within a week each time realizes he doesn't want to be with her.

This would be so much easier if we didn't work together. If aside from our yo yo relationship he were a jerk. He's sweet and romantic and thoughtful... When he is claiming to be in love with me.

Now I'm an insecure shell of a woman. Although I know this is about him, not me, I am now questioning my worth, my looks, my personality. And what must be wrong with me.

 

Any insight into this man's mind would be great because I can't read it. Please also know, the ex and I have communicated so I know he is the one leaving her each time and not her him. Also, I am early 30, him late 30s. She is mid 20s.

[Stormysea]

Today is day five. I was hoping I might get some sort of feedback from users here to distract me in the meantime but, I'm surviving. Day 5 since his number and Facebook have been blocked. I've seen him briefly, behind open doors at work but thankfully we haven't faced on another directly.

 

Not going to lie.. This is killing me. Last night and today have by far been the worst so far. I was like a zombie at work today, just wanted to come home and crawl into bed. I was so zoned out. Even driving home it was 15 minutes before I realized the radio wasn't on.

 

I'd be a liar if I said I weren't wishing he would come back. Even though I also realize how insane that sounds. It's just so quiet. I know I am better and worth more.

 

We had made a pact to always, no matter what, not ignore one another if we messaged.. I'm sure by now he sees that I broke that pact and am sticking to my guns. The last thing I sent him before I blocked him was to never speak to me again. Ever. Knowing him he has sent some type of message in the last five days. And I hope he realizes I really mean it this time. No more chances, no more friendship.

 

I do worry I am lying to myself though. Can I resist him? I just don't know. It has crossed my mind, if he does come back to tell him I will not even consider unless we go to counseling together. Of course I would find a work around to try and make things work so I don't have to give up.

 

I've taken many steps backwards today... But, I didn't message him. So I guess that's a plus.

[Strength in Healing]

Honestly you seem to be adjusting and dealing with it quite healthily. You took the most important step by blocking him.

 

It hurts like hell. It will continue to hurt like hell. However, as the days pass, the good days will stop being so few and far between, and start being the majority of your weeks. You'll fall, but you will get back up, and in the end, you will be far stronger.

 

And he will continue to be a pathetic child, likely suffering from borderline. He DOES need therapy, desperately. Like, badly. You yourself can't fix that kind of screwed up, and if you two lived to be a million, he'd keep doing this over and over again because he is more screwed up than a warped nail in space.

Edited April 1, 2015 by Strength in Healing

[Riptide91]

Stormy, I think you're doing very well for yourself. Honestly, keeping it NC is the biggest response you'll get from posters, and I apologize I didn't see your first post or I would have replied.

 

One thing I want to stress is you cannot question your self wort,h that will only send you spiraling downwards in hope of finding why he stopped wanting you. The best piece of advice that has helped me was to make positive changes to my life for ME. I started going to the gym, I've gotten back into hunting and fishing, things I never had time for or wasn't "allowed" to do. I'm a firm believer on loving yourself first.

 

It's going to hurt and you're going to be sad, that is the human reaction to a trauma like this, but it will go away and you will feel better. If you need to express feelings please do so on here, there are so many brilliant posters who can give better advice than myself.

[Stormysea]

Honestly you seem to be adjusting and dealing with it quite healthily. You took the most important step by blocking him.

 

It hurts like hell. It will continue to hurt like hell. However, as the days pass, the good days will stop being so few and far between, and start being the majority of your weeks. You'll fall, but you will get back up, and in the end, you will be far stronger.

 

And he will continue to be a pathetic child, likely suffering from borderline. He DOES need therapy, desperately. Like, badly. You yourself can't fix that kind of screwed up, and if you two lived to be a million, he'd keep doing this over and over again because he is more screwed up than a warped nail in space.

 

Thanks for the response. I don't feel like I am adjusting well but any day I don't message him is one day closer to feeling like I am. The first time the breakup took a major toll on me. Second time I handled it with dignity. This time I am bordering between those two emotions. And I need to kkeep reminding myself just what you said... I cannot fix him. Obviously if I could fix that one issue of his then he would be my ideal vision of forever.. The problem however is I cannot fix that part of him and you can't spend forever with a person like that no matter how great their other characteristics are and how mentally and physically compatible I may feel we are.

[Stormysea]

Stormy, I think you're doing very well for yourself. Honestly, keeping it NC is the biggest response you'll get from posters, and I apologize I didn't see your first post or I would have replied.

 

One thing I want to stress is you cannot question your self wort,h that will only send you spiraling downwards in hope of finding why he stopped wanting you. The best piece of advice that has helped me was to make positive changes to my life for ME. I started going to the gym, I've gotten back into hunting and fishing, things I never had time for or wasn't "allowed" to do. I'm a firm believer on loving yourself first.

 

It's going to hurt and you're going to be sad, that is the human reaction to a trauma like this, but it will go away and you will feel better. If you need to express feelings please do so on here, there are so many brilliant posters who can give better advice than myself.

 

Thank you. NC is the definite plan. I owe it to myself to stop hurting myself and this is the only way. The longest we ever went without communication was 9 days. We hadn'tfought or planned it. I Just stayed away.. It was the last time he got back with her and I did not want to interfere. I figured my presence would only distract him from fixing things with her so I stayed away. He contacted me on day 9 then. My personal goal now is to surpass 9 days.. Beat the record. That's the current goal.. And then day 15, 30, 60,etc.

 

Starting to work out is on my to do list. 2 months until I am 30 and I want to get back into shape. Have decided the nights I do not have my son I will do that to reduce stress and fill the time... As for hobbies I don't really have any. I stayed home with my son when he was little and being a wife and mom young was all I had time for. Not even sure what I like. But, no time like the present to start learning about me.

[Stormysea]

Day 8. Guess I kind of broke no contact. Left him an envelope at his desk with card he gave me, his key, the necklace he bought me and a letter telling him I truly wish him the best. No attempt to reach out from him.. That was a day ago. This pain seems to be getting worse. And while I can see why that's insane it doesn't stop the pain or missing him. Took a day trip today in hopes of not thinking about him and driving wasn't a good idea. Almost 6 hours in the car leaves too much time to think. It's painful to know I love him more than its returned. And my double whammy is I think.. This is how my soon to be ex husband feels towards me. It's like my karma. I don't return extreme love to my ex and now thepperson I feel that way towards feels it for another. Jokes on me.

[Riptide91]

In this case I think that what you did to give the key back is understandable. It will get better with time.. Yea, my worst times are driving somewhere alone because you can think and your mind wanders, not to mention a song usually comes on that reminds me of my ex. I don't think you should look at failed relationships relating to each other, one didn't work but that doesn't mean karmas coming back to bite you, it just is what it is. Just take your time to heal and get back out there and find another man whose better than any other so far, because you will.

[Throldur]

In this case I think that what you did to give the key back is understandable. It will get better with time.. Yea, my worst times are driving somewhere alone because you can think and your mind wanders, not to mention a song usually comes on that reminds me of my ex. I don't think you should look at failed relationships relating to each other, one didn't work but that doesn't mean karmas coming back to bite you, it just is what it is. Just take your time to heal and get back out there and find another man whose better than any other so far, because you will.

 

I still have extreme anxiety driving. I'll put the passenger seat warmer on because my ex used to always have it on. There's always songs that remind me of us. We did everything together so anywhere I have to drive, I just imagine her there next to me. Can hear her ****ing voice like a ghost.

 

Karma doesn't exist. I learned that the moment the Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup and if Karma does exist.. I really don't know what any of us did that is so horrible to have this stuff happen, really, all I want to do is love someone and spend the rest of my life with them, helped them through countless issues and never left their side and this pain is what my reward is? Yeah, dunno about that.