wantnotshould Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I feel like this week she has dominated my mind. She is supposed to pick up the rest of her clothes at the end of this week. Maybe that's why she's been on my mind? It's been about 3 weeks of NC with the exception of contacting her to get her stuff about once a week and an email letting her know she should use her own account. I just want her off my head. Every morning she has been the first thing there. I get anxiety and a "did I have another dream of her?". If the answer is yes, then i remember the dream and it hurts me. I might cry depending. If the answer is no, then I think to myself good. Yet I'm pissed that she was still the first thing in my mind. I don't want her back, but I must still love her or feel attached to her. Can I accelerate the process of de-attachment? I get so upset at myself because I can't get her off my mind. Any advice is helpful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Once her stuff is gone and you can NC properly, it will get a lot easier. Make sure she takes ALL her stuff. Don't let her leave or forget anything. Box it all up so you can simply hand it over the doorstep. Don't invite her in for a look around, a cup of tea, a stroke of the dog or a last look at your collection of photos of 1980's telegraph poles. Just say hi, hand the box over, say bye, close the door. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wantnotshould Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 I don't plan on seeing her. She still has a key to my apt. She will come pick up everything, and leave while I'm hopefully out with friends. She will leave her copy of the key then. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Change the locks after she's gone. You never know if she's made more copies. A new lock only costs a few £/$. Better safe than sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) Just let your thoughts of her come and go like any other thoughts. If you try to push them away or resist them, it creates a lot of conflict and tension in your psyche. Just let the thoughts come and go. As time goes on, you will naturally start to think about her less and less. *Resistance creates pressure. Edited March 27, 2015 by Satu 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wantnotshould Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 So resistance is what is causing me to go a little nuts? Is there any other way to accelerate the process. It's been hard for my "perfectionist" mind to accept that there isn't something I could be actively doing to make myself get better faster. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 So resistance is what is causing me to go a little nuts? Is there any other way to accelerate the process. It's been hard for my "perfectionist" mind to accept that there isn't something I could be actively doing to make myself get better faster. Obsession is what's causing your distress. You need a distraction to counteract the obsession. Maybe lots of them. And these distractions need to capture your interest, or they need to incapacitate your ability to obsess. That's why alcohol and drugs are a distraction of choice, because they incapacitate you. Obviously, you probably want to go the other route. Link to post Share on other sites
DJOkawari Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) So resistance is what is causing me to go a little nuts? Is there any other way to accelerate the process. It's been hard for my "perfectionist" mind to accept that there isn't something I could be actively doing to make myself get better faster. So, I have a bit of an ego as well so I guess I ended up in a similar situation. Just had her on my mind constantly for months (it was crazy...but also I wasn't as sharp as you regarding NC, I was in LC for a long while). There was a point when I was in the absolute wilderness and I just wanted to sent my family a message to let them know I was okay so I traveled to the one place with internet and as soon as my phone connected...DING! a message from her. So, I'm 6,500 miles away from her, having the adventure of my life, and I'm still wrecked. The three things that really helped me were: 1. Realizing whatever was in my head was completely done...like no hope left in the relationship. (You seem to be there) 2. Coming to terms with the idea that I wasn't happy with myself the way I was (thinking about her all the time...letting other things in my life slip). 3. Committing to improving myself. When eventually, through this commitment to self improvement, my life and my outlook on life changed, I was sufficiently different from the person I was during the relationship and I actually found I couldn't relate to some of the ideas that would initially really pluck at my heart-strings. Basically, the events are in the past now, rather than the present. The "old me" really had a lot invested in the relationship, but the current me does not. The current me doesn't even know her, really. Finally, I had begun meditating maybe 3-4 months before this all went down and it really helped. When you're feeling overwhelmed just do a simple "close your eyes and focus on your breathing". You'll have those thoughts but focus on keeping the breathing even and taking your breaths all the way in and out and the thoughts will pass. It's really in line with what Satu is saying about "resistance creates pressure". I would also add that other discomforts will have you think about her too (because of how comfortable you were). Try to keep yourself at a sufficient temperature, level of exercise, eat enough but not too much. Just try to be as comfortable and "well" as possible. And finally, if you can for a while don't be alone. Spend your time with others who care for you. Obviously in bed as you shut your eyes, we're all alone but if you had a sufficiently exhausting day, you'll fall asleep quite quickly. Hopefully, this helps...this was what worked for me! Edited March 27, 2015 by DJOkawari 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 So resistance is what is causing me to go a little nuts? Is there any other way to accelerate the process. It's been hard for my "perfectionist" mind to accept that there isn't something I could be actively doing to make myself get better faster. As I said, resistance creates tension. Try journalling if you're not already doing so. Write about how you feel. Externalising your thoughts helps you to release the pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Is there any other way to accelerate the process. It's been hard for my "perfectionist" mind to accept that there isn't something I could be actively doing to make myself get better faster. Drop her stuff off, don't wait for her to come get it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wantnotshould Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 So these thoughts, they are on the verge of being obsessive? Oh no. I need to distract myself. They are usually in the morning. It makes it hard to get out of bed. I have to convince myself. Usually 2-3 hours of searching LS and posting on Reddit. I don't want to drop off her stuff because that would imply me seeing her. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I don't want to drop off her stuff because that would imply me seeing her. If you don't want to risk running into her, get someone else to do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DJOkawari Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 So these thoughts, they are on the verge of being obsessive? Oh no. I need to distract myself. They are usually in the morning. It makes it hard to get out of bed. I have to convince myself. Usually 2-3 hours of searching LS and posting on Reddit. I don't want to drop off her stuff because that would imply me seeing her. I'm in this situation right now. I feel great except mornings. I've scheduled an activity I like in the mornings (only Tuesday/Thursday at the moment) but I'm looking to add to that for each day. It gives me a reason for being up extra early before work. I suggest some sort of class or lesson if you can afford it. You'll learn a new skill, meet new people, and have a reason to wake up and have to start moving. Then the day gets better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wantnotshould Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 DJOkawari: I guess I can schedule biking. What else do you do? Any more advice about getting her out of my head? What about advice in general? I want to somehow speed the process if that's a possibility. Link to post Share on other sites
burnyourlifedown Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hi there! I don't really have that much of an advise because I'm also really new to this thing. I'm probably experiencing what you are experiencing right now. The mornings are especially hard for me, too. She is the first one on my mind. It takes a lot of strength to drag myself out of bed. I wonder why mornings are always hard. I also really want to fast forward the healing process. I definitely don't like the pain. But sometimes I find myself just absorbing the loss and the void. I totally agree with Satu and the others. When I do not resist and just absorb and accept all the emotions, I feel immense relief afterwards. It is almost like that point when you are running and the endorphins kick in and you feel that high. Well, for me, at least. Doing things you like is a great way to cope and get distracted and also really beneficial. I'm planning to attend some sort of classes, as well, and do volunteer work. But i think that maybe these things really do take time. There is no short cut but through it. Link to post Share on other sites
DJOkawari Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) DJOkawari: I guess I can schedule biking. What else do you do? [/Quote] I recommend a group activity or just some activity that will hold you accountable for showing up and showing effort. Currently, I just have soccer tues/thu but I am planning on either adding some photography (maybe make up a project involving a compilation of sunrises) or taking a dance class early in the morning (can't dance at all lol). I'm a little tentative on the dancing though because my ex was a dancer and I just want to make sure my reasons for learning are purely for me (I always wanted to learn and I always figured she'd teach me but we never got around to it). I'm not exactly sure yet. Any more advice about getting her out of my head? What about advice in general? I want to somehow speed the process if that's a possibility. One of the other easiest ways to speed up the process is to take whatever negatives you had in the relationship and spin them into new positives. I don't mean negatives like flaws but to gain whatever you did in the relationship you gave up some things. There are probably some specific to your situation (they hated it when you...) but universal to all are: spending time on the things you love to do, spending more time with friends, dating around, traveling on your own schedule, working on your side projects, transforming your life, spending all night out, and most of all only being accountable to yourself - living life on your own terms. It's hard to be psyched about these things all the time, but I've come to the conclusion that the freedom is a beautiful thing. My belief is that when your life is sufficiently different (through the pursuit of happiness and life goals) from the life you lived while in that relationship, you won't miss your ex because you they won't fit in anywhere. The faster you get there, the faster you'll heal. I think that's why "dumpers" have such an easy time, usually they have some sort of plan lined up. Edited March 28, 2015 by DJOkawari Link to post Share on other sites
MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 RI feel like this week she has dominated my mind. She is supposed to pick up the rest of her clothes at the end of this week. Maybe that's why she's been on my mind? It's been about 3 weeks of NC with the exception of contacting her to get her stuff about once a week and an email letting her know she should use her own account. I just want her off my head. Every morning she has been the first thing there. I get anxiety and a "did I have another dream of her?". If the answer is yes, then i remember the dream and it hurts me. I might cry depending. If the answer is no, then I think to myself good. Yet I'm pissed that she was still the first thing in my mind. I don't want her back, but I must still love her or feel attached to her. Can I accelerate the process of de-attachment? I get so upset at myself because I can't get her off my mind. Any advice is helpful. Do whatever you can to get her off your mind man! Go out, exercise, something! Don't dwell on it like I did. 4 1/2 years and I still think about my ex...how pathetic is that...? Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 To me the mornings were always the worst as well. I chalked it up to:when you awake from a dream,you realize it was just that,a dream. In this case you are awakening to the fact that you are now single,is not a dream. Just my outlook. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 So these thoughts, they are on the verge of being obsessive? Oh no. I need to distract myself. They are usually in the morning. It makes it hard to get out of bed. I have to convince myself. Usually 2-3 hours of searching LS and posting on Reddit. I don't want to drop off her stuff because that would imply me seeing her. bag up her stuff, leave it on the doorstep on a fixed date and time, give a bit of notice, but tell when her to collect it all as a woman, i can tell you, imo, a woman would take important clothes with her, any stuff really, just tell her when to collect her stuff or you will chuck it out - and change the locks Link to post Share on other sites
BlackbirdSong Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 R Do whatever you can to get her off your mind man! Go out, exercise, something! Don't dwell on it like I did. 4 1/2 years and I still think about my ex...how pathetic is that...? Bro, it took me over a decade to really get over my ex-wife. Talk about pathetic... Link to post Share on other sites
MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Bro, it took me over a decade to really get over my ex-wife. Talk about pathetic... Did you say single for those 10 years? Link to post Share on other sites
BlackbirdSong Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Did you say single for those 10 years? Lol, no. I took about a year and a half off from dating then got into two LTRs, but never could pull the trigger on marriage again. ....until my latest ex, who I was going to propose two in a few months. Never got the chance. Link to post Share on other sites
MLAZ1990 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Lol, no. I took about a year and a half off from dating then got into two LTRs, but never could pull the trigger on marriage again. ....until my latest ex, who I was going to propose two in a few months. Never got the chance. And that is the difference between me and you. I have been single and will remain. Link to post Share on other sites
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