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a complicated situation, is there any hope?


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hello, i really need some help or advice as i just don’t know what to do, my ex girlfriend broke up with me in august 2014 after being together for 7 months, now that might not sound like much but we knew each other for 2 years as friends. after helping through a rough time with a bad relationship, we had become attracted to one another, she told me she loved me and i loved her too, when she ended her bad relationship i helped even more so, she told me she wanted to be with me but it didn't feel it was right just yet, so we waited and when the time was right, we became a couple. 5 months go by as the relationship is the best thing to happen to me, i’d never been so happy, but during this i was struggling with family life to such a point i argued with my aunt almost every night. (i lived my guardians rather than my parents) in may 2014 i went to spend a week with her, she wanted me to spend a week with her, just us. i said i would and plus the time away from home would help. i lived round the corner from her, that was one of the benefits of our relationship being that we lived so close together. the week with her proved to me that our relationship was going long term. i was so happy. but the night i went home, me and my aunt just argued, practically as soon as i went in the door, the result of which being that i was kicked out, the next day i was working at shop and i told her that i was leaving the next day as told her about the argument. 24 hours isn’t enough time to explain. but we thought it may be temporary and that i would come back. i was lied to by my family about that.

 

now i live over 100 miles away with other family members. so our relationship became long distance. it tore me up. i blamed myself constantly and that really affected our relationship, she felt restricted as i began to say thing like her ex did but in truth i was hurt so much and i just wanted to be with her, and eventually, it ended, i was low, and when low, i mean that kind of low, i begged, friends told he cheated on me, i was so confused and it made things bad with my family that i’m living with. i tried talking to her but i messed up. so i moved forward, which isn’t moving on, i got a job and just worked but i thought about her everyday, in November of that year did message me, and we had i nice chat, i didn’t bring anything up, she hasn’t spoken to me since. it’s now march 2015, i’m hoping to start a new job soon. but in regards to her, i still love her. she also has job and hoping to go to uni. i’ve reached a point where moving forward can only go so far. i want her back but i’m afraid, it may be too late.

 

she me messaged me last week which was sudden and out of the blue, it wasn't a long conversion but happened nonetheless which is why i need some help with this.

 

 

however I have been given a more clear picture of what had been going on since the break up and possibly the real reason why. I found out from a friend that she may have cheated, now I knew there was a possibility since I heard just after the break up she may have kissed another guy, but I denied it, but since she contacted last Wednesday I decided to speak to a friend about it, and that when found that the cheated may have been more true than false, as a week before we broke up apparently she was eyeing another man, it confirmed my fears and my friend did why would you get back with her, and I said “Like I said, I was under stress, I’d had been lied to by family, they told me that the living circumstances would be temporary and I would come home, so you can imagine how I felt, plus being away from Em tore me apart, it still does, I hope I wasn’t controlling, if was then I’m sorry about that, I feel like she is my soul mate you know, that my actions and behaviour were do to stress, but now, I am strong again to the most part, I really need to tell her this, I mean after all that happened with Dan, I just knew I was meant to be there for her, to comfort her, being far away takes that away, I hope she can one day feel that she can invest in what we have and I hope she can give our love just one more chance, is that too much to ask?” This was my exact message to friend. I do love her, and I can forgive her, as far as I know she broke up with the guy she was with after me not long ago, so what do I do? I thought of writing a letter to her, because that can’t be ignored. but my friend said that maybe an association to her ex before me as he wrote a letter and it was very hurtful, so there are few options for me, it's driving me crazy and i'm losing sleep and sanity over this, so please, can anyone help?

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Don't do anything, just try to get your sanity back before you make any decisions. This isn't a time bomb. If she was thinking about you, the way you are thinking about her she would be contacting you more. She is not. The most important thing for you to do is to realize that you can be happy without her. Then maybe think about other things.

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Sanity perhaps wasn't the right phrasing, it's more the case I'm thinking about her more often now, I just wonder why she would message me now, out of the blue, I know can be happy without, but happiness isn't the issue, it's feeling whole and wanted, to be the one person a woman would want to spend the rest of her life with, I felt that way about my ex, so did she.

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If she broke up with you and showed interest in another guy, that's not a good sign. Also, if she is planning to go to university, that would put a great strain on a relationship. People meet new friends at uni, have new experiences - it's a whole new exciting world. I have seen good relationships collapse when one goes to uni. You can't stop her moving on, however, and if you love her you won't try to. I'm just mentioning some of the things that are not in favour of the relationship recovering.

 

But, you love her and she probably loves you. Loving someone doesn't mean you can be with them or build a future with them though. There has to be something more, a sense of being aligned, of going in the same direction, having the same values.

 

I think the things you might need to do to regain the trust of this lady are the same things that you would need to do to have a future with a new lady. You need to make a secure future for yourself, job, home, confidence and self-respect. It sounds like your circumstances have been challenging for whatever reason. I know it won't be easy to build if you've been knocked back by circumstances, but it is a purpose and a way forward. If there is any chance with this girl, she will need to hear how you have built a secure foundation for your life - but there are no guarantees at all. If you work on these things though, you will build something sound for you and a new partner, a positive future.

 

If you keep in touch with her occasionally, tell her what you are doing but don't promise anything to her or say anything that is not really happening, then you will build trust at least. At the end of the day, she may disappear off but you may already have met someone else who is special by then. Purpose has a way of drawing people in and you sound like someone who could do really well once you have become focused. I know break-ups are incredibly stressful and disorientating. Don't let this girl leave you lost and confused. You have a much better future ahead of you, once you become focused on your own future rather than waiting around for her to come round.

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it would be all well and good to build a stable foundation for myself, but i don't believe any other woman would see anything worth having in me, my ex loved for who i was, we knew our relationship would end up being long distance but we planned it out, it was the sudden nature of what happened that hurt most, 24 hours isn't enough with a loved to explain and plan. if i had been given more time, even a week may have done it, we may have had a better chance. i can see your point though although you make it sound like it would make everything, there is still the hole where my heart used to be.

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You need to establish a more stable living situation with your family members. It sounds like no one wants you around and you argue with everyone you live with. Realize these people don't owe you anything, if you're living in their home, you need to stop making things so difficult for everyone. Doesn't matter if you think they're wrong and you're right, it's their house, they're doing you a favor.

 

Maybe you can try a new attitude with your Aunt, start being nice and respecting her feelings because if you want to try to patch things up with this girl you need to be living near by.

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Your situation is not really all that complicated. The events leading up to this might have been a little involved, but this doesn't seem all that complicated. Your situation now is pretty simple. Your GF seems to have moved on.

it would be all well and good to build a stable foundation for myself, but i don't believe any other woman would see anything worth having in me
This is the part you should be concentrating on, or you'll have this same problem you're having now with many women your entire life.
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i should address the family thing just to clear that up, they were (and this is my opinion so make of it what you will) cruel, i did nothing wrong, now i lived in Leicester, i lived there for 12 years, they weren't easy years, there was abuse, over punishing and outright cruelty. the argument which led to me leaving was not started by me, my aunt has always had arguments because of what my dad did so me being the oldest of me and my brother living in the house, i always took the flak. even my ex, who didn't know my family at all, could see how mean and unfair they were. i spend more time out of the house than in and when i was in, i was in my room. i never asked them to take me in, granted i wasn't easy to live with but they didn't make anything easy on anyone. my ex told me the day before i left that she felt it would be worth me moving to family who will actually care and be nice to me. she said that. i can understand how it would seem to most to put blame towards me, but they were harder on me, who did nothing wrong. and they were easier on my brother, who stole money. so you be the judge. but my ex could see the family problem wasn't because of me.

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i should address the family thing just to clear that up, they were (and this is my opinion so make of it what you will) cruel, i did nothing wrong, now i lived in Leicester, i lived there for 12 years, they weren't easy years, there was abuse, over punishing and outright cruelty.

 

Be more specific, how exactly were you abused, over punished and treated with cruelty?

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i rather would not go into details, it wasn't anything deemed too cruel, but perhaps physically hurt nearly every night, sometime for the silliest of things, but they are still family, i hope you can understand.

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Well if they're causing you physical harm every night that's certainly cause for you to get out of there.

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Well if you're living with a relative that abused you years ago but is not abusing you now, you need to consider if its worth fighting with them and losing a very convenient place to live. Sometimes it's better to just sort of go with the flow and keep quiet especially when someone is doing you a favor, and that would definitely include a roof over your head and I would assume food as well.

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i'm very thankful for my family taking me in at a bad time, but it still doesn't help me with my ex, i want to say something to her, i did think of writing a letter but it would be too much of an association with an ex of hers who wrote a letter containing some very hurtful things, that is what bothers, i want the chance to explain and hear her side too, without bias, just us

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i want to say something to her, i did think of writing a letter but it would be too much of an association with an ex of hers who wrote a letter containing some very hurtful things, that is what bothers, i want the chance to explain and hear her side too, without bias, just us

 

So don't put hurtful things in the letter.

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like i said, the mere idea of a letter will be too much of an association with her ex, is there another way or should keep a low profile and let her be the one to message me?

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If writing her a letter associates her with her ex, then the same will be true of messages, emails and phone calls because they certainly communicated using those methods as well.

 

So I wouldn't bother trying to contact her at all, she'll just make a negative association. Maybe try using 2 cups and a long string.

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okay haha good one, although any communication could be negatively associated, what would you suggest? or anyone suggest?

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I suggest you don't entertain ridiculous notions that just because an ex wrote her a letter that you can't write her a letter too.

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okay i apologize, so if i was to write a letter, in what manner should i approach it, even though a letter is harder to ignore, it can still be ignored. so do i try and find out what kind state she's in at the moment, because i think it would help to know because otherwise it's pointless.

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