Depression causing breakups

[Cinnamonstix]

Any success stories about relationships that ended due to depression?

 

I'm referring to breakups had nothing to do with the actual relationship, but with the depressed partner's inability to function within a relationship and wanting to work out their issues on their own so that they could learn to be happy on their own.

[DJOkawari]

The example I have from my life is a break up where both members were depressed due to external circumstances (and maybe also the fact that we had each other allowed for a nice "band-aid" which only allowed the underlying problem to fester and worsen).

 

The only thing I can say is that the new relationship if we have one (5 months since break up) will be entirely different because two different people (who have dealt with their depression) will be meeting. I'm fairly certain we'll meet and talk and maybe even be close again but the romance portion is completely in the air.

 

So, my answer to you is: I would temper my expectations because I feel much happier (Now. I was very, very sad for a while) without her (I know it has almost nothing to do with her) but my new life involves far fewer hours of being depressed, it's quite hard for me to see myself moving "backwards" in any way. On the other hand I still think wonderful things about her (no hard feelings) so I hope we are close in the future.

 

I think the bad times I was having in my head do color a lot of my memories of her and I know she has a similar feeling with me. It is just so easy to imagine being happy with someone else who reminds you of different things. Maybe my feelings in regard to the negativity will change in the future...I'm not sure (like I said, I am 5 months out of the break up but I was never able to make it 1 whole month of NC so far so I am still fairly close to the situation).

 

So in conclusion I realize we were perfect towards each other and it was just circumstance that broke us up, but some times I'm pretty okay with that. I'm not closed to the idea of us in the future, but I'm not really thinking about contacting her again either.

[Cinnamonstix]

DJOkawari, was your breakup mutual?

Edited March 26, 2015 by Cinnamonstix

[DJOkawari]

he was happy with me but when he's alone, even for a minute, he has a deep sadness.

 

As a side note, I will point out that he told me at one point he couldn't connect with people anymore and just wanted to be back to his happy self. And there were quite a few variables in his life that were contributing to his unhappiness.

 

 

I can identify with this part so much.

 

In my case, she initiated the break up but it was on my mind as well. It had reached the point where we could not console each other. We didn't argue or fight or cry or anything we just disassociated from our problems by being happy with each other and forgetting about the world. Then we would part ways to take care of our days and realize the **** we were in. I guess I'd say my partner was the drug I leaned on and I was hers and she realized it first that she needed help (it was to her advantage that she had experience with these sort of issues). The "withdrawal" feeling has made healing so hard.

 

 

The only thing I can say about your situation is that it seems you did extremely well. You're amazing. If you give him his space, there is a good chance he'll realize that you are one of the best things to happen to him, but that doesn't really mean anything romantically. As you said, moving on is always your best bet, if he reaches out, he reaches out.

 

 

EDIT: Heh, I started typing this yesterday, I can remove that quotation if you want.

Edited March 27, 2015 by DJOkawari

[Otter2569]

I am in the process now of breaking up with a woman who battles with depression. It may even be more than depression (insecurity, bi polar...who knows) all I can say is that the emotional instability has put a strain on me.

 

I have tried but when she is upset there is nothing I can do. Seems we have an issue every few days, If I try to talk to it and share my feelings I am "accusing" or "blaming"...it always goes back to how she is not good enough versus how her actions make me feel.

 

I wanted her to get professional help but that suggestion did not go over well...

[Michelle ma Belle]

The only "success" you will likely hear about are those people who have taken ownership and responsibility for their condition (in other words are NOT in any kind of denial) and got help from a therapist including taking anti-depressants or whatever other drug that is appropriate.

 

Again, it's rare for anyone to dig themselves out of such a dark place without some kind of intervention. And even rarer for relationships to survive long term without it.

[Cinnamonstix]

 

The only thing I can say about your situation is that it seems you did extremely well. You're amazing. If you give him his space, there is a good chance he'll realize that you are one of the best things to happen to him, but that doesn't really mean anything romantically. As you said, moving on is always your best bet, if he reaches out, he reaches out.

 

EDIT: Heh, I started typing this yesterday, I can remove that quotation if you want.

 

By "doesn't really mean anything romantically" do you mean that even if someone realizes what you meant to them, the feelings may be gone by then and they will just look back at you fondly? That's pretty sad to think about. I know I tend to get over breakups/adversity quite quickly (resilient, I guess) and move on. As much as this hurts, losing those loving feelings scares me, as I'm not attracted to many people and it takes me a bit to give myself fully.. but when I do... I'm all yours.

 

I really appreciate your response and encouragement. I got a bit scared about posting my story, as I'm a pretty private person. Ok, growing a pair and posting my story again...added some detail as well...

 

 

We were together half a year. There was nothing wrong with the relationship itself. We had an amazing connection, lots of mutual respect, understood each other more than anyone, had lots in common, shared sense of humour, strong attraction, etc. etc. We fell hard for each other and he thought I was the one. We were very supportive of each other and really enjoyed each other's company. It felt like we were best friends.

 

But he left me 2.5 weeks ago. He had become depressed in his last relationship (which he ended) with a depressed partner, but had never dealt with those feelings and so he carried them into our relationship. He could be quite insecure at times, think of the worst, distant when away from me but also "needy" sometimes as he put it. I always reassured him while maintaining my own boundaries. We were extremely affectionate and loving.

 

At one point early on in the relationship when I didn't even know what we were (I'm not one to try to define where we stand, I just let things progress naturally), I tried to break it off. He had became distant, as I read this as him pulling back or losing interest and I told him his hot and cold behaviour was not a dynamic I was into. But he was very tearful and it turned out he had been trying to deal with his emotional instability on his own and didn't want to be bringing it up to me all the time. So after a brief try at being "friends" we were back together and now even more committed, with an understanding that he needed to communicate when he was feeling badly so that I didn't take it personally. And everything was great.

 

But as any small issue came up in the last couple of months, as is normal as relationships go on, his depression got the best of him and sometimes he would break down and cry. I would just hold him, even at the times he should have been the one comforting me. I was beginning to feel like it was getting one-sided, when before it hadn't been. He had been very open since the beginning about where he was at mentally. But I never thought of it as depression till the end, because he was so happy around me. We had always been able to talk through everything, so we never really fought. It had actually seemed more like he had PTSD, as he would have terrible nightmares and flashbacks from past failings.

 

Anyway, it all came to a head when he overreacted one night over something very insignificant that made him feel like I didn't care (even though I kept validating his feelings and reassuring him I did care!). The next day, he wouldn't see me, and the following day we met up and he said he began to have doubts, and this "switch" worried him and he realized he wasn't mentally stable enough for a relationship. I think his depressed mind got the best of him though, because then he started twisting our future goals that we had talked about before so that they sounded completely incompatible. Anyway, he was talking in such a negative way that I became on board with the breakup. Then he got scared and wanted to be together and said that he had said those things to push me away. We ended up staying together another week, with me feeling insecure and him being unable to provide consistent reassurance.

 

After a phone conversation where he felt like he had disappointed me (even though I did not get emotional), he began to get emotional and shut down. In the wake of his letting me down, I remained calm and encouraged him to tell me what was going on, knowing that it was over. He said he needed to be alone to work on himself right now and that he felt bad for not being able to give me what I need. He kept apologizing. I just said he had nothing to be sorry about and said good bye. We broke up in like, literally 2 min.

 

Well, I wish I'd left it at that but a week later I felt that the 2 min talk wasn't enough and I needed to hear that this really wasn't personal and it truly was about the depression and timing. After a night of drinking and not enough sleep, I was completely vulnerable. I said I didn't understand why he gave up on us so easily and that he shouldn't go through this alone. I asked if he loved me and missed me, if I was the right person (I know, I know). He said he missed me, loved me, I'm important to him, he thinks I'm the right person but it's hard to see right now because he's thinking negatively and in a fog, blah blah blah. He couldn't be in a relationship right now because he can't even cope by himself. Little things are huge deals to him.

 

After our conversation, he initiated a text convo. I responded that I hoped he found himself, got help and I would be there if he ever needed me. He then apologized for hurting me during his "process". I assured him I would be ok, it helped me to know it wasn't about me, and that if he wanted my support, he had it, and that maybe this was for the best. He thanked me and said he was happy with me but when he's alone, even for a minute, he has a deep sadness.

 

As a side note, I will point out that he told me at one point he couldn't connect with people anymore and just wanted to be back to his happy self. And there were quite a few variables in his life that were contributing to his unhappiness (job, chronic pain, etc). I would also say that I don't think he is a lifelong sufferer. He comes from a happy family. I think he's just going through a really difficult time.

 

My friends believe he will regret his decision later because I didn't do anything wrong. Though he may have convinced himself we were incompatible in the end, as depression can make you doubt everything in your life, including the future and feelings for your partner.

 

On a positive note, I learned that I am really emotionally stable! And I was a pretty kick-ass gf to him. So I have that to be proud of. Anyways, I know I should move on in any case. It's just nice to get an outside perspective.

[lumberjac]

Hey Cinna I read your whole thread and I understand what youre going through and I can feel for you. Cause something similar happened to me two months ago.

 

We broke on good terms, I wasn't mad at her, just upset that it ended. But I could see where shes coming from. Her depression and anxiety just got the better hands on her.

Like you I couldn't understand why she had to break it off, like, wouldn't it be better if I was there to help her get through it?

 

Then one day I just stopped asking myself all these questions, as I figured that I would never find out why, I dont think even she know why herself. But if she would feel happier and more comfortable then so be it. I'm giving her all the spaces she need. It's not exactly what I want, but its for the best on both sides I guess.

[Cinnamonstix]

Lumberjac, I feel for you too. I read your story. You sound really strong, so well done. I want to get to that point where I've given myself closure. I don't really get it, never really will, even as someone who has gone through depression myself. I guess it just goes back to the whole, you can't love someone till you love yourself thing. Just sucks the timing was so off. He chalked it up to bad timing too. He seemed so bitter at how he had wasted all those years with his ex, who suffocated him.

 

I guess I also feel a bit unappreciated for all of my understanding and patience. He did acknowledge that I've put up with a lot and I guess I did. He wasn't feeling well, so I accepted that I might be the one giving more for a bit. I dunno, I think I can handle the person I love having emotions all over the place as long as they don't take it out on me (he didn't really). Maybe that was a matter of time though and he left before he could put me through that, as his depressed ex did.

[lumberjac]

Yeh I feel that too. When we brokeup she told me I'm the most amazing person she ever met and she admire me, yet she still pushed me away. In my mind I'm like, wtf? why breakup with me then?

 

But then a friend said to me, does it really matter why it happened? The important thing is "what" happened. That stuck in my head since then and it really helped me move on. I treated her the best I could while I was with her, I did my best and have no regrets. And I have to say time does heal everything. I still think about her everyday but I've not felt the heartache in a long time.

[DJOkawari]

By "doesn't really mean anything romantically" do you mean that even if someone realizes what you meant to them, the feelings may be gone by then and they will just look back at you fondly? That's pretty sad to think about. I know I tend to get over breakups/adversity quite quickly (resilient, I guess) and move on. As much as this hurts, losing those loving feelings scares me, as I'm not attracted to many people and it takes me a bit to give myself fully.. but when I do... I'm all yours.

[/Quote]

 

So, to put it in the words of my Ex after we hung out after we both dealt with our depression (we came in with the mentality of getting back together):

 

Her: "I had a really great time, but I just don't feel anything". I replied "Well we haven't seen each other in a while, so I guess it's gonna take a bit." and she replied "That's not how feelings work."

 

Haven't seen her since. Got some breadcrumbs though :-/

 

 

 

My friends believe he will regret his decision later because I didn't do anything wrong. Though he may have convinced himself we were incompatible in the end, as depression can make you doubt everything in your life, including the future and feelings for your partner.

 

On a positive note, I learned that I am really emotionally stable! And I was a pretty kick-ass gf to him. So I have that to be proud of. Anyways, I know I should move on in any case. It's just nice to get an outside perspective.

 

 

Yeah, I believe all of this is true. I have had two relationships end for reasons like this and both left me saying: "You're absolutely perfect but I have things I need to deal with". They still contacted me eventually but it just took too long (Idk if they contacted me romantically). I think I have a type You should be proud, I have plenty of regrets. I have a different story from a depressed friend where he truly doesn't believe he is worthy of his ex. She wants him back and he thinks he's just too ****ty for a girl like her. You never know how these things will turn out...she's still waiting for him, he's still going to therapy (neither is attempting to move on or anything). So, it's all up in the air. You're taking this all really well. I truly believe if you're both happy then anything is possible.

Edited March 28, 2015 by DJOkawari

[Cinnamonstix]

Not in a good place today, likely due to lack of sleep. The more time that goes on, the more I feel like the whole depression aspect doesn't even matter. The bottom line is that this person doesn't want to be with me. Sure, maybe he doesn't want to be with anyone, not even friends. But that alone is just.. ugh. The hurt at 3 weeks is much worse than it was initially. Everything has sunk in and I'm beginning to doubt that his love was even real. He used to tell me in his sleep how much he loved me and would say "please don't hurt me" or "don't leave me." I knew he was talking to me because he would say my name. He always seemed so scared of losing me. I just don't get it, and maybe I never will.

 

I've never had a relationship end this way. With the others, it was always so obvious it hadn't been working for a while.

[lumberjac]

my ex said the exact same to me, thats why it was a shock when she broke up with me.

and funny enough I'm actually feeling pretty down today as well, I have so much uni work to do for Friday and I've just been sitting here thinking about her.

 

Don't go too hard on yourself, give it time, it's only been three weeks. Once you accept the fact that it's over and you two are no longer together then things will be easier, cause you know you can only move on and no other option.

 

I remember it took me over a month til it sunk in my mind, knowing its really over. Before that I always think to myself that me and her will be together again. And once I accepted the fact and reality things have gone easier. I'm just concentrating on myself now.

[DJOkawari]

Agreed. You're doing extremely well for just 3 weeks. When you're further from the situation things will probably become a lot clearer.

[Cinnamonstix]

You're right. Time has certainly given me clarity. I can't believe I didn't realize this earlier. I've had a nagging feeling for days and from reading other ppl's stories that another person was involved. But I knew he was an honest, genuine person who would never keep someone lined up. Then it hit me. I was a rebound that he fell in love with. But I've realized he's grieving more for the other relationship than ours right now. What a kick in the nuts, if I had any.

Edited March 31, 2015 by Cinnamonstix