Not sure it's working, is there a future?

[Monodare1]

Hi guys

 

I've been seeing someone for the past year, as she is in the nursing profession, we are lucky if we see each other once or twice a month due to her shifts and when I get my child at weekends.

 

When we do see each other, she doesn't talk much and the other week I had to fight to get a hug, let alone anything else.

 

I do like her but I feel that to be involved properly with someone, you really need to see each other far more than twice a month.

 

I do like her, but due to the lack of contact, I just don't feel "love" creeping in.

 

To add to that, although I wouldn't act upon it, as I'm not a cheating kind of guy, I am finding other women turning my head.

 

That fact is confusing and upsetting me as I'm not that kind of guy.

 

Also, when I get my son on the few occasions she joins us, she seems distant and a bit awkward around him (he's only 4) which also concerns me.

 

The last weekend there, we had a chance to see each other with my son during the day and with me staying over, but she said she would feel "too tired to be bothered doing anything during the day" and in the evening (when we could get some quality alone time) she had a chance of another nightshift and could do with the money".

 

I'm in a quandary as over the years (I'm 38) I've not been on the giving end of breaking up, usually on the receiving end.

 

Advice would be greatly appreciated.

[jen1447]

Do you ever have sex with her? If you have to fight for hugs, it sounds like maybe not.

 

She seems like more of an acquaintance than a GF, and one who's not real interested in even being that, so I'd take her up on her actions and just let the 'acquaintanceship' fade. If you see her twice a month to shake hands, there's probably no real need to even break up.

[Monodare1]

We do have sex, but obviously infrequently, last time was over a month ago. Thing is I need more than that. We both agreed from the outset that we were exclusive, but exclusivity for once a month if that isn't working.

 

Obviously sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship, but once a month is pushing it.

[Monodare1]

I've met her parents and all that as well so it is a legitimate relationship, but I need to be in a relationship where I see a file a few days a week, so that the relationship can build, I'm not just talking sex, I mean being together, going out and having fun etc. I almost feel single.

[Itspointless]

Does she ever talk about emotions with you? Or is she a bit rational?

[Monodare1]

Doesn't talk emotions, doesn't mention love and doesn't like public displays of affection.

 

Whereas I am a bit of the opposite.

[Monodare1]

Doesn't really talk emotions, just mentions shed like kids one day when drunk.

 

I don't go over the score with pda's but I like to hold hand with a girl I like.

[KatZee]

This doesn't sound like a relationship to me.

 

It sounds like a casual acquaintance, someone you see in passing every so often, someone you have those awkward conversations of "how have you been?"

 

You barely see her, you rarely have sex, she's not affectionate with you, she doesn't talk about how she feels about you...

 

How has this gone on for a year???

[KatZee]

I almost feel single.

 

To be completely honest, I'd say you are single.

[Monodare1]

She called me when she was drunk on a night out with her friends in January telling me she thought she was falling for me, and has suggested a weekend away with my son, but this is after more than a year

 

I'm not getting younger and I just don't want to waste time if it's not going anywhere, she is 6 years younger than me.

 

She just contacts me by text every so often during the week and we don't speak on the phone.

 

Am I flogging a dead horse?

[Eaglestar83]

You need to sit down with her and have a serious talk. Is she happy with this arrangement? This doesn't sound like a long term relationship heading for marriage (if that's what you hoping for). It sounds more like an arrangement for casual hookup, friends with occasional benefit etc, but not a relationship. Are you sure this woman wants to have a serious relationship with you? Have you spoken about this?

[goldway90]

Oh kinda though of but i'll say she sounds like she has some emotional issues, if i'd guess i would say she's depressed. Distant and the lack of sex, plus adding she's into her own bubble of emotion.

Still you are saying that you feel like a single guy and want something serious and someone who helps with you with the kid, it's time to have the talk with her.

[Monodare1]

Not in so many words, no.

 

I currently live with my 90 year old father as my wife and I split in June 2013.. I'm not in a position financially to get a place of my own at the moment.

 

She mentions me getting a place of my own but never mentions me moving in with her (she owns her own house)

 

Really starting to look like she is just stringing me along rather than looking dor something serious.

 

Thing is, we aren't even getting the chance to go out and have fun, she only ever want to just sit in when we do get the rare opportunity.

 

Then she's either on nightshift or I've got my little boy, so it just doesn't seem to be coming together

[goldway90]

Not in so many words, no.

 

I currently live with my 90 year old father as my wife and I split in June 2013.. I'm not in a position financially to get a place of my own at the moment.

 

She mentions me getting a place of my own but never mentions me moving in with her (she owns her own house)

 

Really starting to look like she is just stringing me along rather than looking dor something serious.

 

Thing is, we aren't even getting the chance to go out and have fun, she only ever want to just sit in when we do get the rare opportunity.

 

Then she's either on nightshift or I've got my little boy, so it just doesn't seem to be coming together

 

She's basically emotionally unavailable, you are not getting your needs met. I'd say really have a honest talk with her about where this relationship is going, seriously the sooner you get your answer the better.

[Monodare1]

She also lives a good few miles from me and I don't drive (although I'm learning), she does however.

 

I agree, I'm not a wuss, but I don't feel loved, and I really do want that.

 

I also want someone who will accept my son without being awkward, distant and/or uncomfortable with him.

[Itspointless]

She called me when she was drunk on a night out with her friends in January telling me she thought she was falling for me, and has suggested a weekend away with my son, but this is after more than a year

 

I'm not getting younger and I just don't want to waste time if it's not going anywhere, she is 6 years younger than me.

 

She just contacts me by text every so often during the week and we don't speak on the phone.

 

Am I flogging a dead horse?

I haven't read all the other reactions after me, but it sounds like you have found someone who is dismissive-avoidant attached. Also the texting is a sign, just as being a workaholic can be one, I guess she was very affectionate very quickly in the beginning?

[Monodare1]

In the beginning, sexually, yes, but even the sexual side of things had slowed to a halt, we are only seeing each other maybe twice a month and and sexually it's becoming almost once a month.

 

I just feel the lack of seeing each other coupled with her apparent dislike of intimacy and affection is killing the relationship off and I'm starting to wonder if seeing someone else who lives closer to me and is more affectionate would be better.

[Itspointless]

In the beginning, sexually, yes, but even the sexual side of things had slowed to a halt, we are only seeing each other maybe twice a month and and sexually it's becoming almost once a month.

 

I just feel the lack of seeing each other coupled with her apparent dislike of intimacy and affection is killing the relationship off and I'm starting to wonder if seeing someone else who lives closer to me and is more affectionate would be better.

Hi Monodare, reading your description I am almost certain she has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. If she has it is interesting to also have a closer look to yourself (just as I am doing). My ex was dismissive-avoidant and I am a bit anxious attached.

 

I recommened you to read the following pages on Google books. Search on Google Books for ‘Why Can't I Change? How to Conquer Your Self-Destructive Patterns’ by Shirley Impellizzeri and read page 24 to 31. That whole chapter is good to read by the way and open to read (at least where I am). In this book anxious attachment is called ambivalent attachment. Avoidant and Anxious people often are attracted to each-other, both are insecure attachments stemming from early childhood.

 

If she is dismissive-avoidant than she probably is not likely to change, they can, but she has to want it herself, which can be a long travel. My ex pushed me away when I and the stress of her situation came to close. It is on you if you can deal with not so much intimacy. If not than perhaps you better look further for someone else.

[Monodare1]

I'm not anxious, I just feel seeing each other more than twice a month is pretty reasonable, I see other relationships where they see each other 3 or 3 times a week and feel that's the sort of relationship I want.

 

I just want to feel that the person I'm in a relationship with actually gives a damn.

 

I'm also a reasonably sexed person and need the intimacy and contact more than once a month.

 

It just feels like a total mismatch.

[Itspointless]

I'm not anxious, I just feel seeing each other more than twice a month is pretty reasonable, I see other relationships where they see each other 3 or 3 times a week and feel that's the sort of relationship I want.

 

I just want to feel that the person I'm in a relationship with actually gives a damn.

 

I'm also a reasonably sexed person and need the intimacy and contact more than once a month.

 

It just feels like a total mismatch.

OK, this was a different reaction than I was expecting.

 

I am not saying that you are anxious. Having anxious attachment is not the same as being anxious. Have you read those pages? It is behaviour that most of the time only is triggered when feeling low or when you are stressed. It has to do with coping-mechanisms of people.

[mightycpa]

So what exactly is preventing you from pulling the plug?

 

You don't know how?

 

Afraid you'll hurt her feelings?

 

What's the hesitation? Cut her loose.

[Monodare1]

I see your point and I have in the past held back in relationship for fear of losing the woman I'm with, that said, I feel I've reached a point in my life where I don't hold back anymore.

 

My current girlfriend does seem to be the distant type too.

 

I just want to be with someone in a relationship where I have fun with them, see them regularly without it being a major hassle

[Itspointless]

I see your point and I have in the past held back in relationship for fear of losing the woman I'm with, that said, I feel I've reached a point in my life where I don't hold back anymore.

 

My current girlfriend does seem to be the distant type too.

 

I just want to be with someone in a relationship where I have fun with them, see them regularly without it being a major hassle

Well than don't hold back and tell her what you expect within a relation and give her space to react. If she is avoidant she most likely will not like what you are asking and feel suffocated. If you ask you will know if you two are right for each-other. If you are securely attached actions like these come naturally to us as we know we deserve to ask.

 

Clear communication is the key, unfortunately most people do not communicate well with each-other. The key to communication is listening and asking if our interpretations of what is being said by the other is understood right.

[Monodare1]

I'd love to do that, but she won't communicate by call, only text and I'm not due to see her until possibly next weekend after this.

[Monodare1]

I did temporarily split with her in August as I felt that I hardly seen her, she said she would change things and asked if we could try again, but we are a year down the line and it's got worse rather than better.