Girlfriend wants a "break"

[Zevrij]

Hello I'm 28 and my girlfriend is 24. I've been with my girlfriend for two months now and everything is going good up until she said she needed a break. Her and I have got out of relationships before the end of 2014. We both have outside stress from our previous relationships and she thought that it isn't fair to either of us to be together until everything is worked out. She told me that she didn't know how long she needed and that she loves me and wants to be with me but not until all is worked out. I guess I'm just curious as to what I should do? I respect and in giving her the space and time she needs but do I still contact her or leave her alone? I want wait for her until our stress is cleared to be with her but I don't know what to do. There is no other man and as far as her ex goes I know for a fact she wouldn't get back with him. Any help is appreciated. Thank you all.

[BlackbirdSong]

Go total no contact and put the shields up on full alert around your heart because "i need a break" never ends well. Be prepared for the worst.

[Riptide91]

I agree with Blackbird, especially since you've been together only 2 months. I know time does not measure love, but if there is already something driving you two apart it is best to prepare for the worst. Also, BlackbirdSong's signature is spot on here.

[Zevrij]

Go total no contact and put the shields up on full alert around your heart because "i need a break" never ends well. Be prepared for the worst.

 

I know I need to go no contact but I've been through a break before (diff. woman) and this one doesn't feel the same as the previous one. I understand that our past stress isn't good for our current situation but I don't want to just toss her aside while she's working on bettering her/our situation.

[NC-Thomas]

"need a break" most of the time means "breaking-up"

 

Basically you need to protect yourself now. Because if you wait for her, if you chit-chat with her, being her friend while she needs "space" YOU will be the one getting slapped the hardest.

 

Only once in my life I got a girlfriend back after she needed space, but the other two times I learned that keeping my distance helped me get over them so much better.

 

Remember: give them time and space and let her come to you. Most important: don't be needy or desperate. Go full NC. If she wants you back, you'll know!

[NC-Thomas]

I know I need to go no contact but I've been through a break before (diff. woman) and this one doesn't feel the same as the previous one. I understand that our past stress isn't good for our current situation but I don't want to just toss her aside while she's working on bettering her/our situation.

 

Dude thats is bull****. She is tossing you aside basically. Is that bettering a situation?!

 

By going NC you protect yourself, like Blackbirdsong said. You can give her a heads up, but she will get the message anyway. Once she knows you are in true NC, she will think about losing you and only then will she really start to think about her decision.

 

All you can do now is let it go, because face reality, it is out of your control.

[Karin2rinkashi]

Hello I'm 28 and my girlfriend is 24. I've been with my girlfriend for two months now and everything is going good up until she said she needed a break. Her and I have got out of relationships before the end of 2014. We both have outside stress from our previous relationships and she thought that it isn't fair to either of us to be together until everything is worked out. She told me that she didn't know how long she needed and that she loves me and wants to be with me but not until all is worked out. I guess I'm just curious as to what I should do? I respect and in giving her the space and time she needs but do I still contact her or leave her alone? I want wait for her until our stress is cleared to be with her but I don't know what to do. There is no other man and as far as her ex goes I know for a fact she wouldn't get back with him. Any help is appreciated. Thank you all.

 

We have all gone through this "need a break" thing. And we all thought that MAYBE if i do THIS or THAT, she will change her mind. Even if you are able to talk her into staying, she will be hot and cold. And you will end up breaking up instead....

DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN!

 

We are not asking you to throw her to the side.... we are just saying... NO BEGGING or PLEADING.... NO REASONING either.... Tell her that it is ok... take your break...

 

But during that break, go NC and start recovering.... Prepare for the worst and the best won't hurt you anyways.... Show her you don't care... GO NC!

 

Don't repeat our mistakes...

 

She has already made up her mind, whatever it is....

[lauri]

Dude, the ONLY way, absolutely ONLY way you can save yourself in this and have a chance of being with her is by actually walking away. She is most likely feeling things out with another guy / her ex is back, and she is keeping you around as a safety net.

 

You have two options:

 

1) Sit around and let her try things out with a new guy. Let her lose respect for you because you don't respect yourself. She may come back to you, but believe me, she will keep her out for the next guy (and cycle will continue)

 

2) Very simply call her up or send her a message and be like "Hey, I gave this some thought. I'm not willing to wait for you. I think it's best we end this and move our separate ways. Please don't contact me again."

 

If you choose option 2, every single message she sends you after or call, ignore. Do not respond. Delete her on social media and go cold. She has made the decision to go on a break, but you were smart enough to realize this is just a smoke screen to keep you around as an OPTION. The only time you respond is if she begs for you back, and even then, you shouldn't take her back right away. Not until she proves through her action, commitment and dedication that she wants to get you back. Not just through words, but through a lot more.

 

Your mentality should be that you gave her commitment, and she isn't giving it back. There are tons of girls out there that would love to commit to you. Only a girl who has another option / isn't feeling you any more will RISK everything with you by going on a break. In her mind, a break mitigates the risk while she "figures herself out". Don't let her figure it out, figure it out for her ahead of time and do option two.

Edited March 26, 2015 by lauri

[Zevrij]

Dude, the ONLY way, absolutely ONLY way you can save yourself in this and have a chance of being with her is by actually walking away. She is most likely feeling things out with another guy / her ex is back, and she is keeping you around as a safety net.

 

You have two options:

 

1) Sit around and let her try things out with a new guy. Let her lose respect for you because you don't respect yourself. She may come back to you, but believe me, she will keep her out for the next guy (and cycle will continue)

 

2) Very simply call her up or send her a message and be like "Hey, I gave this some thought. I'm not willing to wait for you. I think it's best we end this and move our separate ways. Please don't contact me again."

 

 

 

If you choose option 2, every single message she sends you after or call, ignore. Do not respond. Delete her on social media and go cold. She has made the decision to go on a break, but you were smart enough to realize this is just a smoke screen to keep you around as an OPTION. The only time you respond is if she begs for you back, and even then, you shouldn't take her back right away. Not until she proves through her action, commitment and dedication that she wants to get you back. Not just through words, but through a lot more.

 

Your mentality should be that you gave her commitment, and she isn't giving it back. There are tons of girls out there that would love to commit to you. Only a girl who has another option / isn't feeling you any more will RISK everything with you by going on a break. In her mind, a break mitigates the risk while she "figures herself out". Don't let her figure it out, figure it out for her ahead of time and do option two.

 

What happens if NC doesn't work? She is the type that a lot of stuff doesn't phase her, but she is God at hiding her emotions. She's already sent me a random text about Xbox controllers after I've done NC

[emi]

From a girl's perspective i think you should just leave her alone. Sometime woman have a very complex emotional showdown and really want to get off the relationship because it is just too much. I am in the very same stage at the moment but i dont say anything to my partner because i dont want to open my mouth and say any '' break'' words randomly because it may damage the trust. However, what your gf feeling is real and and i dont think she wanna dump you. She just having her own emotional problem that doesnt relate to you

[central]

Go NC, and date others. Often, a "break" is requested so someone can see and have sex with someone else. If they don't work out, they'll come back to you as plan B. So it's usually best to move on unless there are unusual circumstances or you can be sure that there is a different reason for the break.

[No Limit]

She's "test driving" another guy. Send her a quick text that you're breaking up instead of taking a break and go NC on this girl for good, the likes of her only means trouble.

[lauri]

What happens if NC doesn't work? She is the type that a lot of stuff doesn't phase her, but she is God at hiding her emotions. She's already sent me a random text about Xbox controllers after I've done NC

 

You don't get it and what is happening right now. I didn't get it the first time it happened to me because I was scared to lose my ex and I ignored all the warning signs, only to allow myself to be disrespected and hurt, all for someone who had no respect for me.

 

So, she sent you a random text? She's just testing the waters. I hope you didn't respond. She is already done with you...so what are you scared of? She is going to never respect you if you agree to this break.

 

Remember, you're supposed to be a man of high value, someone who is worth dating and her best option. A man of high value knows he can get someone else and isn't scared to walk away from a girl who disrespects him, he doesn't put up with games and feels he can get a girl worthly of his commitment. Even if you dont feel this way, act it. Fake it till you make it .

 

I don't care nor should you if the NC thing doesn't phase her. I can promise you she thinks you aren't "strong" enough to be without her and she thinks you will be very "weak" when she finally is ready to leave you. She thinks you're gonna break down and cry, be unable to eat and will beg for her back.

 

Prove her wrong, pull the trigger by ending it with her and start to move on. She won't know how to react to this...and I'm not telling you do this as a game, I'm telling you to do this for yourself. You need to be in control while you still have the chance. Don't show her you care.

 

If you take away her safety net she will scramble and try to get you back in. She will try to manipulate you back in...dont fall for it. Post on here and the community will help you. The new guy hasn't committed to her yet, so she's worried if things fall through with him she will be alone (hense the break). Well, too bad.

 

So what are you going to do? Repeat the mistakes of many other or take the advice of many on here and end things with her? The choice is yours, but in the end things will be over between you. Guess the question is do you wanna be the guy who sits around waiting for her to do it after she gets another guy? Or do you wanna do it before then, protect yourself and gain more respect from her by respecting yourself?

 

You're no second option man, so please stop making excuses and do what you know is right. I can almost guarantee your gut is telling you this too.

[batt]

Tell her there is no break and that you guys are done and you're not her safety net.

[badpenny]

What happens if NC doesn't work?

 

What do you mean, 'doesn't work'.../

 

What do you think NC is for? To entice them into your arms?

To get them to contact YOU?

 

No Contact isn't designed to be a manipulative measure to make them do something.

 

It's a tool - to be implemented fully, for good, period, no ifs buts or maybes, to enable you to heal, move on and leave her behind for ever....

 

She is the type that a lot of stuff doesn't phase her, ....She's already sent me a random text about Xbox controllers after I've done NC

 

Yes, it's 'breadcrumbs'.

Have you actually read the Guide here...?

[apeman101]

Let me clarify what BREAK means in a womans world - Iam getting repulsed by you as you no longer interest me( aka you are no more my dancing monkey). I have been in contact with another man who can make me laugh and i want to see how it goes with the new guy. Iam afraid of being single and you are going to be my backup option if things dont work out with the new guy. Iam not breaking up with you but i want to try on the new guy if he is better than you

Edited March 26, 2015 by apeman101

[Zevrij]

I respect everyone's input on the matter, however I do believe for whatever reason that she is being sincere with what she is telling me. I don't have any of the feelings as if she's being untruthful or doing anything out of the ordinary. Both of us do have issues that needed to be sorted out before we jumped into a relationship together. She did move in with me after a month, which I agree was too fast, but as of now she has collected her belongings and is living with a relative. She stated that we didn't really get to take the time to get to know each other and because of that made us on edge because we aren't comfortable together yet to be living as one. I don't believe there is another man. Call me blind or dumb, but we've both been cheated on in the past and I don't get the vibe that she would do anything like that. As her ex goes, I know their relationship was horrible and I know she wouldn't put herself back in that situation. She said that there isn't anything that she feels for him other than trying to get him home back to his home state because where we're now he doesn't have any family and is miserable here. I've asked her multiple times where we stand and she says that right now it isn't fair to either of us to be in a relationship where our past is still in the present. She affirmed that we aren't over and that when she gets through her emotional baggage that she would be OK with trying again, but now she needs time to get over everything that's stressing her out in life. I appreciate everyone advice and I hope this somewhat cleared up what kind of a break she asked for.

[lauri]

I respect everyone's input on the matter, however I do believe for whatever reason that she is being sincere with what she is telling me. I don't have any of the feelings as if she's being untruthful or doing anything out of the ordinary. Both of us do have issues that needed to be sorted out before we jumped into a relationship together. She did move in with me after a month, which I agree was too fast, but as of now she has collected her belongings and is living with a relative. She stated that we didn't really get to take the time to get to know each other and because of that made us on edge because we aren't comfortable together yet to be living as one. I don't believe there is another man. Call me blind or dumb, but we've both been cheated on in the past and I don't get the vibe that she would do anything like that. As her ex goes, I know their relationship was horrible and I know she wouldn't put herself back in that situation. She said that there isn't anything that she feels for him other than trying to get him home back to his home state because where we're now he doesn't have any family and is miserable here. I've asked her multiple times where we stand and she says that right now it isn't fair to either of us to be in a relationship where our past is still in the present. She affirmed that we aren't over and that when she gets through her emotional baggage that she would be OK with trying again, but now she needs time to get over everything that's stressing her out in life. I appreciate everyone advice and I hope this somewhat cleared up what kind of a break she asked for.

 

I'm sorry to hear you completely disregarded everything we said. I could flag so many flaws with what you just wrote, but I realize it is pointless. You want to believe what you want to believe.

 

I can already picture you posting your "shocked" story in a few weeks.

[Stercrazy]

Zevrij......do what you want. You're talking about a 2 month relationship compared to the experience of this forum. The NC is for you.....not her. The sooner you get that......the stronger you will be. People on this forum don't offer advice for ****s and giggles. Take what you want and leave the rest when it comes to advice. You're better then "a break" and you deserve better then this girl is giving you.

[mightycpa]

I've asked her multiple times where we stand and she says that right now it isn't fair to either of us to be in a relationship where our past is still in the present. She affirmed that we aren't over and that when she gets through her emotional baggage that she would be OK with trying again, but now she needs time to get over everything that's stressing her out in life. I appreciate everyone advice and I hope this somewhat cleared up what kind of a break she asked for.

Hi Zevrij -

 

OK, so if I may, she said:

 

1. right now it isn't fair to be in a relationship AND you aren't over
   
2. when she's done you can try again
   

I sense that English isn't your native language, so maybe what she said doesn't translate well. These words are contradictory.

 

No relationship means you ARE over. You can't try again if nothing has stopped. This is doubletalk, which means she probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings. You haven't cleared anything up.

 

What are the specific terms of this break? Can you date other girls? Can she date other boys? Does the break have a definite duration? Are you expected to talk? To see each other? How often?

 

If you're not sure, you should ask. Then see if her answer sounds like a break, or a breakup.

 

If she asks you why you're asking, tell her that she should answer the question first, then you'll tell her why you are asking. Make her answer first.

 

To me, "no relationship" and "OK to try again later but not now" means broken up.

 

The dumpee is always the last one to know.

[darkbloom]

To quote Invictus01 and one of my favorite LS posts ever:

 

"Generally speaking, if somebody is asking for space, give him or her enough space to become an astronaut... If he or she at some point of time comes back from the outer space mission that they decided to embark on and you decide to provide the landing spot for them, make sure that the landing is as bumpy as possible so that the next time they think twice about going on a space exploration mission.

 

Good luck with your astronaut."

[Zevrij]

Hi Zevrij -

 

OK, so if I may, she said:

I sense that English isn't your native language, so maybe what she said doesn't translate well. These words are contradictory.

 

No relationship means you ARE over. You can't try again if nothing has stopped. This is doubletalk, which means she probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings. You haven't cleared anything up.

 

What are the specific terms of this break? Can you date other girls? Can she date other boys? Does the break have a definite duration? Are you expected to talk? To see each other? How often?

 

If you're not sure, you should ask. Then see if her answer sounds like a break, or a breakup.

 

If she asks you why you're asking, tell her that she should answer the question first, then you'll tell her why you are asking. Make her answer first.

 

To me, "no relationship" and "OK to try again later but not now" means broken up.

 

The dumpee is always the last one to know.

 

 

We aren't seeing other people , there is no duration just until she gets her stress out of her life so she feels that our past isn't affecting our relationship and future Yes we are expected to see and talk as we work together. Not close but in the same building.

[mightycpa]

We aren't seeing other people , there is no duration just until she gets her stress out of her life so she feels that our past isn't affecting our relationship and future Yes we are expected to see and talk as we work together. Not close but in the same building.

You didn't say if you could date other girls or if she could date other boys. Of course, these details are important. And by "see" each other, I meant socially, not at work.

 

So to be clear:

 

 

1. She dates others?
   
2. You date others?
   
3. See socially (date) ?
   
4. Talk (on phone, texting, etc.) socially?
   

 

Please, let me know what you spoke about, what the formal arrangement are on these points. If it was not discussed directly, please identify these things as "Zevrij's expectation"

Edited March 27, 2015 by mightycpa

[Zevrij]

You didn't say if you could date other girls or if she could date other boys. Of course, these details are important. And by "see" each other, I meant socially, not at work.

 

So to be clear:

 

 

1. She dates others?
   
2. You date others?
   
3. See socially (date) ?
   
4. Talk (on phone, texting, etc.) socially?
   

 

Please, let me know what you spoke about, what the formal arrangement are on these points. If it was not discussed directly, please identify these things as "Zevrij's expectation"

 

1 she said isn't interested in dating other men as she isn't ready for me why would she be ready for someone else?

2 No I'm not dating anyone else.

3 not as of right now.

4 we text but she usually starts it.

[lauri]

1 she said isn't interested in dating other men as she isn't ready for me why would she be ready for someone else?

2 No I'm not dating anyone else.

3 not as of right now.

4 we text but she usually starts it.

 

Think about this for a second.......what is your purpose for her? Why is she keeping you around?

 

To me, its very simple...to be a safety net for her while she talks to other guys, maybe even sleeps with one.

 

So, why would she tell the truth to someone she doesn't respect? What difference does it make to her once you two are over and she has a guy that's an "upgrade" from you? She's gonna lie till her face is blue to keep you around for HER purposes / selfish reasons. If she tells you the truth, she risks you running away and never coming back. She can't let that happen...no, not while she's unsure of the guy she's talking to. Once she finds it he's into her, she will cut you off and disappear. You'll wonder "why did she turn so cold"?

 

Why the hell would she wanna get back with a guy who sits around and waits for a girl that's doing this to him? Stop making up excuses for her. Show her you deserve respect...all youre doing is giving her a free pass and making her life easy at the expense of your own feelings.

 

She is ready for someone else, just not willing to commit to you because she thinks she can do better. I hate to be so straight forward and mean, but that's the truth of this all.

 

You can either prove her wrong and move on. Or prove her right by being weak and sit around waiting for her (causes loss of respect).