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My apologies for this very long post ...


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My ex and I were together for 2 1/2 years. We met one night and exchanged numbers. He called me the next night and we chatted for hours, and for the next couple of months he would call me once or twice a week late at night and we would talk for hours about life, love, art, politics, anything. He then started texting me throughout the day to check in more and more often. He was clearly flirting with me. Our conversations were becoming increasingly intimate and we knew we were both single. I thought it strange that he took so long to suggest a date, but figured he was either shy or taking his time to get to know me. He also mentioned during our chats that he had recently (six months ago) gone through a very difficult break-up with a woman now living in Germany and was still fragile from that, so I was patient.

 

Eventually we started dating . Two weeks in, he called to tell me that he couldn't see me one night because he had to go to a friends birthday party and that he would like to invite me but his ex would be there and he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. I said fine, but after I hung up I wondered about this as he had told me his ex was in Germany. Later that night I asked him about this to which he responded "oh no, not that ex, the ex I broke up with three weeks ago". Suddenly I realized that for the whole two months I thought we were courting and falling in love - he was actually sleeping with another woman. Apparently, he was calling me on the nights he wasn't with her. I found this upsetting as I felt that he had misrepresented his situation after we had had many long discussions about the importance of transparency and openness. He explained that this woman was a "very dear friend" who had "saved him" after his ex in Germany had dumped him and that they danced together several nights a week at a local dance school.

 

As time went on I came to discover that another woman he had been sexually involved with also danced at the same school, and that she too was a "very dear friend" that he often met during the week for coffee. In fact, I came to realize that he had ongoing intimate "friendships" with all of his ex-girlfriends and ex-lovers. In addition to this, he seemed to have no male friends. I also discovered that his ex in Germany was still calling and texting him late at night asking him to go and live with her in Germany and adopt a child she had recently had to a married man. When he told her he was seeing not coming as he was now involved with me, she became hostile. I suggested that perhaps it wasn't fair to ask me to accept this womans involvement in his life and he (very reluctantly) agreed to send her a friendly email explaining that he was now in a relationship and needed to step back from their relationship and wished her all the best. She sent back a scathing email saying that his new girlfriend was obviously behind his decision and that I was jealous and controlling and to "have fun in jail", to which he did not respond in my defense. Instead, he defended her to me saying he could understand she was upset as she was a "very dear friend".

 

At this time he was also receiving the odd early morning call from another ex-girlfriend living in KL (albeit married) who would ring up whilst we were still in bed calling him "gorgeous" and "darling", offering to pay his airfare (alone) to go visit and stay with her. At this point I tried to have a conversation with him about the issue of appropriate boundaries and he just laughed and said they were "very very close like brother and sister". In addition to all of this, he worked as a street artist and also gave private art classes ... thus whilst busking, he often talked to young female backpackers (French, Swedish, Italian etc) encouraging them to come to his evening art classes in his private studio. One time I came to his studio and he looked quite flustered as he wasn't expecting me, and a very attractive 25 year old Italian girl was posing for a life-drawing class he was conducting (he is 45). I introduced myself as his girlfriend and she looked confused. Apparently he had met her a week earlier whilst busking and offered her free art classes in exchange for posing. They had become quite friendly and would go and have coffees together - alone. When I told him I wasn't comfortable with this and that he was perhaps sending her the wrong message, he laughed and insisted they were "just good friends". In addition to this, most of his students were females, a young one of whom simply idolized him. I was finding it increasingly hard to feel special in his world.

 

As if all this wasn't enough, the women who ran the dance school where he taught salsa also seemed to have some kind of weird co-dependent 'Harold & Maud' type relationship with him (she's in her 60's), and called him almost every day asking him to go for coffee, to fix something at her house, to talk about her problems etc. When I suggested she could perhaps give us a bit more space (as he was working long hours and travelling a lot and we didn't get much time alone together) he told her that I didn't want him to spend so much time with her, so she too became resentful and started counselling him against the relationship. I was beginning to realize that he was surrounded by women - friends, colleagues, ex lovers, admirers, students and just women in general - each with an apparent claim on him - and I found it incredibly uncomfortable. I felt surrounded by women ... his women ... his past ... and it felt like none of them would be going away anytime soon. I felt overwhelmed. In addition, he seemed to be misrepresenting me to them, causing them to see me in an unfavourable light.

 

Unbelievably, despite all of this going on in the background, he and I were very strongly involved with eachother emotionally. We were deeply passionate about eachother and had much in common .. a soul connection. We loved eachother very much and were inseparable for that first year - playing, working, he taught me to draw, we went for drives in the country, we had both had violent fathers and would talk about our difficult childhoods and the lessons we hard learned, we listened and cared ... it was bliss. I developed a lovely relationship with his mother and siblings who are just wonderful (I'm doing a phd in psych and his mother was a psychiatrist and his brother a psychologist) so we all got along famously. For me, they were fast becoming the family I had always longed for (as I lost my parents and brother early in life). However the presence of these women in his life, coupled with his apparent lack of boundaries, was causing much stress and we were starting to argue a lot. Several times I suggested that perhaps we weren't a good fit as I knew I couldn't live with this ongoing stress (despite the fact I loved him so deeply). I was becoming anxious, insecure and depressed. At this point he would cry, and beg me not to leave. In the end we agreed he would leave the dance school (with all his ex lovers) and find a new place to dance with me, and that he would cut contact with his ex's. He tried to do this, but there was a backlash - these ladies were not impressed. In order to keep them all 'onside' he told them it was my idea that he step back from them, not his. So he portrayed himself as "the victim" and they all took an intense dislike to me, his "jealous, insecure, controlling girlfriend". Even though he wanted to keep me in his life, he wanted to keep these women around too, so he took to calling and meeting them behind my back and lying about it. Our relationship just deteriorated in the saddest way, with me becoming more and more anxious and mistrusting, starting to check his phone as I knew he was lying to me about contact with these women, and the two of us fighting over the issue of whether he could keep all these women in his life. It was exhausting. During this time he grabbed me roughly a couple of times and pushed me up against a wall shouting at me on one occasion and pinned me down on the couch and in the car seat (again shouting) on another. This worried me, but I put it down to stress. We went to counseling.

 

Despite this chronic ongoing saga, there was still love and commitment between us. I always felt his attachment to ex's and his need to connect with women was due to some type of insecurity or fear of being alone. But there was more stress to test us. I underwent double jaw surgery (for airway blockages) last August and this was very stressful for me. He was very supportive and he slept in a chair by my bed in intensive care for three nights. He also took several weeks off work (and lost money in the process) to care for me during my rehabilitation period. However, towards the end of my recovery we were in an even worse place. He was resentful for having to give up these "friendships", so this led to a sense of further resentment for having to care for me after surgery and support us financially whilst I rehabilitated. He was becoming surly and aggressive ... we argued a lot. I was embarrassed and self-conscious about my altered appearance as I was quite disfigured after surgery and felt very unattractive. I was also becoming increasingly depressed and anxious as I was checking his phone and knew he was calling girls he was meeting on the street to have long chats (he only chats on a deep personal level I have come to learn, so these conversations would last for hours and be about personal topics). Presumably the same types of calls he and I had when we first met and he was seeing someone!! My self-esteem was deteriorating.

 

Finally in the last weeks of 2014, we had a dreadful argument in the car during which he put his hands around my throat and shook me back and forth. He didn't squeeze very tight or do any damage, but he really frightened me, particularly as I had had jaw surgery only a month earlier and was worried he might damage things by shaking me. After that my depression escalated .. we slept separately and I cried a lot. The more depressed I became the colder and meaner he became. One night I was driving and my car broke down in a parkland area at midnight, I was scared and tried to call him and message him, but he ignored my calls. He told me the next day he was asleep - but he didn't call me the next morning to see if I was okay ... I called him at 11am. By then it was pretty clear that he didn't care about me anymore and was just going through the motions. Finally he left me in the first week of January 2015. He paid two weeks rent and a parking fine and then he was gone. I was devastated.

 

I didn't hear from him for two months and never thought I would hear from him again. I was grieving for the man I fell in love with but I never called him, I went into complete NC in the hopes of either getting him back or getting over him - I wasn't sure which I wanted. Then on 2nd March he sent a message:

 

"The hospital called, pls call them back. Always love you". I ignored it.

Then two missed calls that night.

 

Then on 6th March another missed call and another message:

"Hope you're well, thinking of you". I ignored it.

 

Then on 8th March another message:

"Just seeing how you are going, it would be nice to have a talk". I ignored it.

 

Then on 10th March at 2am another message:

"Love you so much so sorry for all that has happened".

And then later that afternoon:

"All my love". This was the last contact he made and ignored it.

 

I must admit that when he started trying to contact me, my depression lifted and I was hopeful for a little while. But then his attempts to contact me stopped as abruptly as they began exactly one week later. The tragic thing is that I love him very much, but the reason I didn't respond to him is because I didn't know if he was trying to get me back or just trying to get me to join his merry gang of ex-girlfriends as a new "friend", something I can not do. I didn't know if he really cared or was - as you might put it - throwing me breadcrumbs.

 

I know I have painted a bleak picture of him, and yes he may be volatile and unpredictable at times, but I love him and miss him so much. It has been such a traumatic time, and we both struggle with anxiety (and we both had violent fathers), but he is essentially a good person. Now I feel that by ignoring his attempts to contact me a couple of weeks ago, I have lost him from my life forever, and that makes me very sad. But then, when I think about all he has put me through, I feel like perhaps he could make an effort for longer than one week ... I don't know ....

 

I really needed to get this out, and I haven't felt I can discuss this with friends, so thank you for reading this far.

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I'm on your side ;). But I do have a couple "tough" questions. Is it possible you were being a bit controlling? Honestly it sounds like he was pretty awful as far as all his "dear friends" go, but there's always two sides to every story. It doesn't sound like you were being unreasonable on the surface anyway.

 

I agree that most likely he wanted to add you to the "dear friends" list in his most recent attempt at contact. Not necessarily for some evil purpose, but people tend to behave in the way that they always have, and that just seems to be his thing.

 

It's probably all for the best. That sort of anxiety over what he might be doing all the time and with who would never go away.

 

The big thing for you at this point is realizing that life goes on and that there are other people out there. None of them are perfect, but probably a lot of them would treat you better in the big picture and be less stressful overall.

 

Be strong. :)

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I'm sorry for what you've been through. You clearly do think a lot of this guy and he was very involved with you, but he is too fickle. He will always been playing someone else along on the side because he has no boundaries. That's not your fault. I think you did the right thing in refusing contact. I feel for you. You are a caring person who needs someone who can reciprocate with love and fidelity. I don't think this guy ever could have managed that. He would have grown resentful and you would be back to square one. I hope you meet someone better for you.

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What a mess...this guy, the relationship, the whole situation. I'm sorry you had to go through that, I can't even imagine how upset and hurt you must be right now. I feel for your ex a bit too, he sounds like he honestly doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship and is likely going to be collecting "dear friends" his whole life and not ever truly connecting with any of them. My ex was a bit the same, always prided himself on remaining friends with his exs too. I knew I had turned a corner in getting over him when I could see that his past had made it almost impossible for him to have a healthy relationship, sort of like your ex, and I let go of the resentment I had towards him. I don't think he meant to hurt me at all, just honestly didn't know better.

 

But I'm sorry again that you had to go through this ordeal, and am glad to offer support or advice or a listening ear anytime. This too shall pass, right?

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Jen, Spiderowl and ZiggyZoo thank you sincerely all so much for taking the time to read my long post and for your thoughtful replies.

 

Relationships are such complicated things, and it can be all too easy to paint someone you love who has hurt you as either a saint or a sinner. In reality, people are complex, they can be both kind and cruel, and that's what has made this breakup so painful and protracted for me. I have memories of kindness (sleeping in a chair by my hospital bed for three nights), (painting my portrait), and memories of deep sadness (leaving me stranded at night on the side of the road in a broken down car because he was angry), (grabbing me and shaking me in the car whilst shouting "I ought to whack you so hard you f%$#ing b%$tch" during an argument only two weeks after I got out of hospital).

 

When we broke up, I called his sister-in-law who I was close to. Up until

that point his family thought we were fine, and secretly I think they were relieved that he had found someone who could finally manage him. I finally told her what had been happening as I knew I could trust her as she is a clinical psychologist and therefore has a good understanding of confidentiality. I told her about his lack of boundaries with women, his volatile temper and his tendency to be physically and verbally aggressive during arguments. She immediately said "oh no no no, don't worry, you must understand it's not you, it's him. We (the family) know what he is like. We know he was doing this in his last relationship but we thought he had grown out of all that". She went on to tell me that he used to be volatile and physically aggressive with his last girlfriend and also with his younger sister when they were living her her mother. She told me that they would have such terrible screaming fights and would physically grab eachother. She said that the first time she saw it she was really shocked as she'd never grown up with anything like it in her own family. Apparently his mother eventually asked him to move out as she was getting older and the constant arguments with him were too stressful. I was very greatful to his sister-in-law for sharing this with me as he had always made me feel like I was the one driving him to this behave this way.

 

His sister-in-law went on to tell me how my ex had received the worst abuse from their father .. being beaten and verbally abused for much of his childhood. His father would tell him that he was not his son (as they are Indian and my ex had very fair skin and a condition called Vitiligo). She also told me that both he and his brother and attempted suicide in their twenties and that at one stage his mother had taken him for an MRI to see "what was going on". You would find this very hard to believe if you met him today as he seems very suave and confident. In fact, if you met the family today, you would find it hard to imagine their historical background as they all seem so attractive and well-adjusted, but he obviously didn't grow up with a very good male role-model.

 

The sad thing is that, whilst we both had abusive fathers, mine left me with a tendency towards anxiety, whilst his left him with a tendency towards volatility and aggression. So the more we argued, the more volatile he became - and the more volatile he became the more anxious and depressed I became. I guess we were a very bad combination in some respects, but a wonder combination in others ...

 

Despite all this, and rather ironically in his mind - because he identifies with women so much and grew mainly around women after his father left - and because he doesn't want to idenitfy with his father at all - he sees himself as somewhat of a saviour to women. He loves spending time with them, gets on better with women than men, likes to become intimately involved in their lives and problems, gives female backpackers free art classes and helps old ladies across the road. But behind closed doors he is more like his father than he would ever care to admit. He is in complete denial about how similar he really is. Whilst he never beat me, but he could be surly, dishonest, volatile and physically aggressive.

 

I also think he gravitated towards women because men don't seem to take to him particularly. I know that none of my male friends seemed to like him, and when we broke up I was surprised by how many of them confided that they didn't like him at all and thought he was a bit weird. Indeed many of my female friends thought there was something odd about him too ...

 

I did arrange for us to see a counselor together for several months prior

to the breakup and I have been seeing him alone these past couple of months for help with my grief. My counselor feels that my partner demonstrated narcissistic traits and had a "very odd take on relationships and life in general" ... however, my counselors main concern was with the increasing episodes of physical aggression. He and I are working on trying to increase my self-esteem and to emotionally disengage and move on with my life. The thing is, I know that if my ex really tried to get me back, I would go back to him. However, sadly but perhaps fortunately for me, I think he has completely lost interest. I guess we have burned eachother out this time, and all I am left with this engulfing pain ...

 

He bumped into my cousin on the street the other day and apparently told her that he loved me, but that he left me because he couldn't deal with my anxiety. I found that somewhat manipulative, as my friends and my therapist have all said that anyone would have been anxious in a relationship with him. But he has always been like that, it is always someone else's fault. Even when telling me about past girls he had dated, according to him they all had some kind of personality or emotional problem and he saw himself as some kind of long-suffering saviour in their lives, trying to "help them", trying to "get them to see what was wrong with them so that they could improve themselves". How do you reach someone who is never wrong and always locates the problem in other people?

 

And yet I would take him back in a heartbeat. Love is blindness ...

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Jen 1447 ... was I too controlling? ... yes it is a fair question and one that I have asked myself, my friends and our counselor many times over the past two months. I don't have a history of being overly jealous or controlling in any of my past relationships .. in fact my last partner maintained almost daily contact with his ex as they shared a child and I was fine with that. But to be honest, all my other ex's (over 20+ years of dating) have not hung on to ex-lovers/affairs the way my ex did, so I have never been in a situation like this before. So was I too controlling ... I don't think so ... I think I was desperately trying to create a space in his life where I could feel comfortable, but I never quite achieved it sadly ... my therapist said the other day "were you anxious and controlling towards the end, probably, but so would anyone faced with his behaviour in the relationship" so ...

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That makes a lot of sense to me. It's one thing to want to eliminate all his exes or girl-type-friends (dear friends) from his life just because you're insecure, another to be suspicious of all these interactions and prefer they don't loom so large if you have good reason to find them odd.

 

If he ever reaches out again and you communicate with him, please let us know here so we can help you to not take him back. I'd hate to see it 'resolve' that way because I don't think it's any real solution for you. :)

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  • 2 weeks later...
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So I thought I would check back in again as I am hitting a rough patch and could really use some support. It has been almost a month since his last text message, and to be honest I have been doing quite well up until now. For the last few weeks I found enough inner strength to advertise for a new flatmate, exercise every day, work on my website and do a bit of socializing. I have also put the wheels in motion for the second phase of my major jaw reconstruction surgery (something that is very important in my life as my self-esteem is quite low as a result of being somewhat disfigured in this in-between phase and this essentially stops me from even wanting to go out with my friends let alone start dating again). It's really hard to feel this unattractive and self-conscious at a time when he is out dating

and meeting new people and I should be too ... but I can't ...

 

Some days I feel a bit flat, other days I feel ... a little stronger, other days I feel depressed and fragile. Today is a depressed and fragile day. It was raining heavily thismorning and one of the things we loved to do was snuggle on rainy mornings. Thismorning I just lay there and sobbed. I think the Easter weekend has been hard as most of my friends are couples and they have gone away or are spending the holidays with their families. It is cold and raining constantly in Sydney at present, and I have no family (all deceased - long story) ... so I'm not fond of these sorts of holidays at the best of times. One thing I really liked about my being with ex was his family ... they were lovely and adopted me and I know they will be having

lunch together today and I feel sad I am no longer a part of that.

 

I have been working on my recovery and trying to look forwards, honestly I have, but there is this dark shadow wave that seems to always lurk behind me. From time to time it just nips at my heels but occassionally it can just swamp me and the tears just wont stop. I think this happens when I have been trying to act like I'm ok for too long, not letting myself cry etc. The feelings rise up and take over ...

 

It still feels like it was only yesterday, but it has been three months. It's probably a good thing (in terms of my ultimate recovery) he gave up trying to contact me after only one week, but it also makes me feel sad that it has stopped too. I wish I could make the memories fade sooner ... how I long for the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

 

Thanks elaine567 for your attachment ... my therapist has also given me literature on that topic, so you are on the right track.

 

I just needed to get that out ... no contact continues ... the hope that I am ashamed to admit continues ... but I guess every day I get a little closer to recovery ...

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Hi there ... just thought I would check in again. Not sure if anyone can read my comments down here ... but anyway ... I think someone mentioned that I should check in here if he tries to contact me again.

 

Well, after no contact since the contact I mentioned in my message above on the 10th March, there has been another flurry of activity over the last week. He has called three times in the last four days (I have not answered), and sent a text message: "Hope you're okay. Sorry for all that's happened. Lots of love. If you need anything don't hesitate to ask". Once again, like last time, his message leaves me cold. It doesn't really say anything to my mind" It's not an actual apology for anything, just a sort of generic "sorry things turned out this way". Nor is it an "I love you" message but a "lots of love" message. And it's not an "I really want to work things out" but a "if you need anything don't hesitate to ask". So I decided to view it as breadcrumbs and ignored it.

 

Then he started to come around and ring the intercom of my apartment. I found this incredibly stressful because I wasn't expecting it and wasn't prepared ... so I panicked and pretended to not be home. Later I felt angry that he would put me on the spot like that ... forcing me to talk to him after he dumped me and ignored me for two months! Now I feel completely conflicted. It's funny, but if he did this a month ago, I would have done anything to have him knock on my door .. but I guess we go through different emotional cycles in a breakup and at the moment I'm in more of a "why bother talking to you when I know I could never forgive you for what you've put me through, or trust you again".

 

Also, I can't help but wonder if this attention is because his last 'interest' has dumped him.

 

And now yesterday, he went to my girlfriends house (he's only met her/been to her place once) to ask her if she knew where I was and if I'd had my surgery yet. (So now he's suddenly concerned about my wellbeing). She said he seemed 'manic' and it made her feel uncomfortable.

 

I'm just so confused ... any opinions/advice would be so very welcome right now :)

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First off, I'd block him from being able to call or text you. You shouldn't have to hear or read any more of those BS "apologies". And chances are, no matter how determined you are, you're going to answer one of these days. Or accidentally answer...

 

I'm glad that you're doing better with being able to stay away from him. This NC is hard, but it really does work for stepping back and looking at what's going on in a situation without being right in the middle of things. Good job, it isn't easy!

 

I'm pretty pissed at him on your behalf, for showing up at your place and your friend's place. Who does he think he is, to basically force himself back into your life? You've made it clear that you aren't interested in speaking with or seeing him, and he has no right to disrespect those wishes. And going to your friend's house is definitely overstepping the bounds. I'd say to just keep on ignoring him, but if he continues to do it, or bothers another friend, you may have to get the police involved. Saying anything to him may send the message that "ok, it takes nine visits to her house, but she WILL let me in and talk to me eventually". What nerve.

 

I hope he gets the hint sooner or later and just lets you be. You certainly don't need this stress while recovering from or getting ready for surgery.

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Hey Eranthe, thx for checking back in. :)

 

I agree with ZiggyZoo. He's obvs out of line with all this, but I guess it's not exactly unexpected. If I were you, I'd ignore calls and texts, and if he shows up again, go see him just to tell him in no uncertain terms that he's not welcome there and you expect not to see him again. I know that's a little harsh, but I think you know this is just the slippery slope routine he's giving you, which means that anything but a forceable "no" can be interpreted as a partial yes. If you think he's actually dangerous or feel threatened, do call the police as Ziggy suggested. All you'd have to tell them is "my ex BF is here at my door, he kinda got a little weird when we broke up and I feel uncomfortable about this and don't want him here." They'll come and remove him, and it won't even have to be dramatic. (Unless he decides to give them sh*t, they'll just tell him to get lost, not arrest him.) That'll send the desired message too.

 

I also agree about the non-apologies btw, pet peeve of mine. Saying "I'm sorry if I x, y, z" or "I'm sorry x, y, z happened" isn't actually acknowledging any fault while still trying to get the bonus points of having apologized. Pushing someone over and saying you're sorry that happened or you're sorry if that hurt them isn't actually owning the fault.

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Hi girls,

 

Thanks so much, once again, for your lovely and thoughtful responses. I appreciate the time you take to write to someone you don't know. NC has been interesting ... I have cycled through so many feelings that he could have actually got me back if he got his timing right and caught me on a vulnerable day. But as time passes, I've noticed that those desperate feelings of needing him to love me have been slowly replaced with the increasing realization that I could never actually go back to him now, because I could never trust him again, and I would end up a nervous wreck trying to. This doesn't mean I have stopped loving him, or missing him unfortunately ... but my rational side realizes that there can be no happy ending to this story now. He killed it. It's dead. He left me and more than likely slept with other women ... so I can't feel good about him ever again.

 

How can I look at him with adoration in my eyes now, how can I tell him I love him, kiss him goodnight, feel good about him when he's not around, dream about a happy future? I can't ... I'd be a paranoid mess. How can I forgive him for leaving me on the side of the road in a broken-down car at midnight because he wanted to 'teach me a lesson'. How can I forgive him for dumping me on my birthday and calling some buxom 25 yo Italian girl he met whilst busking for coffee because they are "friends" (he's 45). How can I forgive him for walking away one morning and not contacting me for two and a half months? I can't. The fairy-tale is over. With this in mind, one thing I am capable of is being very disciplined and stubborn so I'm treating this like giving up an addiction and sticking to the program.

 

But ...

 

... despite all the hurt I've discussed, it's still a really weird feeling cutting off/running away from/ignoring a person who used to be your closest friend in the world. It seems so counter-intuitive.

 

What I'm really greatful for is both of your feedback on the bull**** apologies. I needed some reassurance that I wasn't being unfair about my interpretation about this. He never says "I'm sorry I lied to you", "I'm sorry I talked about you behind your back to my ex", "I'm sorry I left you in a broken down car at midnight because I was angry", "I'm sorry I put my hands around your throat, I think I have a problem and need counselling, would you support me?". It's always "I'm sorry things turned out the way they did", "I'm sorry you feel that way", "I'm sorry for all that has happened".

 

The contact is bull**** contact too. Stupid text messages that don't say anything really. I know him, if he was desperately wanting me back, he would say more than "sorry for everything that's happened, if you need anything I'm always here for you" ... he's be saying "darling please talk to me, I'm so sorry for what I have done, I love you so much and can't live without you". He's not. Breadcrumbs.

 

It's hilarious, in his mind he's such a 'nice guy'. "I sent her a text message telling her that I am always here for her, all she has to do is ask ... what more can I do?"

 

To be honest, part of me hopes he stops contacting me so that I can heal and move on, part of me hopes he doesn't, and part of me is angry with him for being so stupid and selfish as to not leave me alone so that I can. It is a confusing time.

 

Sorry ranting tonight, feeling cranky.

 

It's heartbreaking when you discover the person you love can only be who they are and not who you want them to be.

 

Wish I was in the Midwest, I'd buy you both a drink tonight :)

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*clink* to virtual drinks. ;)

 

... despite all the hurt I've discussed, it's still a really weird feeling cutting off/running away from/ignoring a person who used to be your closest friend in the world. It seems so counter-intuitive.

I think this, in a word, is the crux of all heartache. At one point in time, that person was your everything, but in the next, they're nothing. That's never something that'll easily be reconciled.

 

During my more extreme heartbreaks, I would sum it up (in an imaginary conversation) as "I used to know what you were having for lunch everyday. Now I don't even know if you're alive."

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The insane monsoonal rains and hail storms in Sydney continue ... it's cold and miserable, many people not at work, most people not leaving the house unless they have to. Except for my ex who has come over twice this week, on his bicycle!!! during the floods!!! to try and talk to me because I wont answer his calls or respond to his text messages. He has also taken to visiting a few more of my neighbours to find out where I am. They have all reported that he seemed quite 'manic' and was 'asking a lot of questions'. Yesterday he texted me a photo of a waterfall from a trip we went on last year with "always thinking of you, perhaps we could talk, love X". It's funny when I think that only a few weeks ago, I was crying in a heap, desperately wishing this would happen. Now I just feel kind of annoyed ... like I just want to be left alone. I don't know ...

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Sweetie, have you read the literature on Narcissists? This is a serious mental disorder, on par with Borderlines and Sociopaths.

 

Why have you not blocked him from your phone?

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I have blocked him on my phone ... but that doesn't stop my phone from showing me missed calls from him and it doesn't stop texts coming in either? I was surprised by this too. It just shows in my call register that he has called me but that it was blocked (little blue circle with a line through it).

 

Yes, NPD has been suggested by the psychologist we were seeing together prior to the breakup and he seems to fit a lot of the criteria. I guess I fit the co-dependent profile too while where on the subject ...

 

I think a lot of his contact now is driven by sudden intense guilt and remorse ... I get the feeling he went right on to someone else initially, they dumped him and now ... NOW ... he's actually processing the breakup and starting to feel the real consequences of his actions (whilst I did that back in Jan thru March). He's also probably genuinely concerned to some extent as he knows I'm about to have some fairly major surgery, but he's not sure if I've had it or not as nobody from my side will speak to him.

 

I finally got my surgery date today, it's 27th May. I really need to be calm and healthy to get through this ... I need stability so I can focus all my energy on getting through this ... I can't cope with dramas now ... it's 4-5 hour surgery, time in intensive care, and a fairly difficult recovery at home for many weeks when I get out of hospital. I hope things settle down soon :(

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You might need to change your number if you're unable to download an app to block his texts and calls from registering.

 

If he has NPD, you need to STOP thinking of him as a normal person who's capable of love. He's no more capable of this emotion than a Sociopath or a Borderline.

 

Please focus on yourself and your well-being and take the steps to finally BLOCK him from being able to reach you by phone or online.

 

Good luck to you! :)

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Thanks Ruby. Just as your comment came in, I got a another text message from him. So far they have all been "all my love, if there's anything you need, miss you so much" messages, but now I guess he's getting annoyed about being ignored and the tone is getting more curt.

 

Five months ago, we got a parking fine in my car whilst parked at his studio. He said he would pay it and put the fine in his pocket, broke up with me and forgot to pay the fine. A couple of weeks after he walked out, I got a reminder notice ... so I sent off the Stat Dec saying that he was the driver responsible for the fine ... however when I called their office next day to tell them I'd sent the Stat Dec, the lady told me it was now too late for him to pay it in time as it had to be paid by 5pm that day. So I paid it over the phone with my credit card.

 

Well it seems they still sent him an invoice for the fine (even though I have paid it) and he must have received it today, as I received the following text tonight: "just letting you know parking fine paid for you. you obviously don't wish to speak. hope you're well".

 

Now I feel guilty and he's gone back to being cold ... and I shouldn't care ... but it hurts ... it's like now I have to deal with the pain of him shutting down and going cold and business-like all over again ...

 

He left me and broke my f$%cking heart ... does he thing I'm having a good time shutting out the person I loved more than anyone in the world?!

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The fine thing may be a game - he may have had that all along with no intention to pay but saw it as a way to get back in.

 

I have to say I like the curtness. That seems to suggest he's processing somewhat normally. People usually react with anger or offense when they get shut out, after trying the desperation recovery stuff. Hopefully the next thing will be resignation. :)

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Whatever it is, it's working because I am literally seconds away from texting him and diving back into whatever it was we were. My surgery is now in a few weeks, my birthday is tomorrow and I feel completely terrified, vulnerable and alone. I hate to admit it, but I got a warm reassuring feeling from all of his attention, and I'll admit it, I enjoyed the balance of power swinging me way for a brief moment. A few weeks ago I was sobbing nightly, praying he would contact me. He did ... he came around in hail storms desperate to talk to me ... and I froze and ignored it all, and now I feel like he is going to lose interest and really move on ... emotionally ... it's making me feel incredibly anxious.

 

Now I am wondering if maybe I should give him a chance to say what he has to say. I am weakening ... and I'm not sure if I should be doing what people tell me I should be doing, or whether I should follow my heart which is screaming now to contact him. But then I look forwards, how can I forgive him for leaving me, how can I trust him again. I'm so conflicted.

 

I am going to see my therapist in 30 minutes ... will try not to text between now and then. Help ... please help!

 

All this from one f^%$king text message!

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Cinnamonstix

Doooooon't dooooo it!!!

 

Remember, when you feel vulnerable and weak, these are the times to do nothing! You will always regret your decisions made in this state.

 

He will only cause you more heartache. This is not someone you can build a life with. He's someone you need to step over and move on from. Or step on, rather, because he is below you.

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Yeah, all we can do is reiterate the caution hon. Your feelings are normal in that I think it's almost instinctual to try to recover lost things that had some value, especially heart-related. But he's not that guy, he's the other guy with all the faults.

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