BlackbirdSong Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 A, You have totally broken me. I know if you were here you would just keep telling me that you're sorry but there's nothing you can do about it. It's been 34 or 35 or 36 days NC now and I'm pretty sure you're invested in a new relationship, while I've been dying every day. All I do is analyze and reanalyze my moronic behaviors the few weeks before you left me. You left a perfect relationship because I was upset with my life for two weeks. Yes I vented to you, but it was about me and my life. You had nothing to do with it. Yes I'm underemployed at the moment and the past couple of years have been really hard on me, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. You just couldn't wait for me to get there. You tried as you said, but you couldn't wait anymore. That hurts. You telling me that you wished I had more ambition even hurt more. I have three college degrees and finishing up my fourth in December. I have an amazing job opportunity coming in 19 months, but you couldn't wait. I know that's a long time, but I didn't talk **** when you had a ****ty job and I had a great job. But now that tables have turned and you got a great job and my current job sucks, you can't wait. You said that you can't see me struggle financially anymore and that I complain too much about hating where I live and that I want to move away all the time. I'm so sorry. That stress from my life and my negativity pushed you away. You have high anxiety and I should have known better. I did know better, but my situation and complaining got out of control. I'm sorry. I had a ring for you. I had it since October but painfully returned it two weeks ago. It was one of the most embarrassing things I had to do in my life. I broke down right in the friggin store. You never knew about it. I was waiting until I got the good job to propose. But you couldn't wait. When we broke up you said that you wanted to get married, buy a house, and have a kid now. I said I wanted to marry you and you told me that I wouldn't propose for another four years. You never knew.....and you'll probably never know. I was so close. Sorry I don't have the finances to put money away right now for a house, while that's all you're doing right now. I don't live at home with next to no bills like you. I don't have the job that can support my bills and a savings yet....but it's coming. So you're going to find an awesome guy, get married, have a kid, and buy a house in the next 19 months? I guess it's totally plausible, but you'd do that after a two year serious relationship with me? The man who changed your mind about getting married in the first place. When we met, you told me that you didn't believe in marriage and that you only wanted to have a kid and a boyfriend. Later, you told me that I changed the way you thought about marriage and that you would love to marry me. Well, in the exact same respect you did the same with me regarding having children. I never wanted to have children until I met you. You changed my world. I only wanted children with you. I told you, but I don't think you heard me. You'll never know....I wish you did. I broke down and have been seeing a therapist the past five weeks. She has helped me find the root of my sadness and negativity. It was like a veil had been lifted. I am so much more positive now about my life and my situation. Like I said before, I can see the light. I'm finishing my studies and getting that degree, getting that job, and attaining success. If only you waited, we could have had everything you wanted us to have. I wish you could see my changes and be part of the awesome life I'm going to have. You'll never know... I treated you like gold and you did the same to me. I am forever grateful for everything you have done for me. I love you more than anything in this world and beyond...and I always will. I'm sorry I stressed you out with my life and made you freak out. I'm sorry I wasn't ready financially to get us the things we both wanted. I'm sorry I complained so much. I was really good for two years, minus those last two weeks. I hope you eventually see how amazing we were and return. I can understand why you left, but it doesn't stop me from crying uncontrollably these past five weeks. I would do anything to be with you again. Unfortunately for me, you'll never know... Yours for eternity, BlackbirdSong 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Dearest A, I had a dream about you last night...again. We were at our wedding. You walked down the aisle and I thought I was going to faint. You were so amazingly beautiful. I told you this everyday we were together, but your self-esteem issues made you never fully believe me. Anyways, when we were face to face getting ready to say our vows, I looked into your eyes...and broke down crying. Just like I am right at this moment. The love I felt for you in that moment (albeit in a dream) was so overwhelming that I couldn't keep composed. I have been thinking about that scene all day today. It's my utopia. I prayed to God the past few days for Him to guide you back to me. You know I'm not even religious, but my despair has sent me to find some solace. I know it's selfish to ask for something, but I need a miracle. I try to be strong, but I have realized just how weak I truly am. I love you with every fiber of my being. Yours in life and death, BlackbirdSong 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 You possibly could have written this letter to me. Our situations are eerily similar. If she didn't want to wait for you for 19 months then it is probably good that she left you. Imagine if you would have married her and been in a similar job situation. Everything will work out the way it is meant to be. Keep your head up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Omalley92 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Reading your letters makes me cry. I can feel the pain associated. Probably because I'm in a emotionally similar place. Keep up the writing, I like the way you write, it's poetic, really. About the Girl... I guess you know because anyone would have told you already, and your mind probably knows this too: Forget her, Let her Go, Don't give two sh*ts about her. Regardless of how many issues a Person has, I think, if you truly love someone, you don't just breakup due to some Ups and Downs in a relationship. If they have the ability to just walk out of it all, this just goes to show how little they appreciated any of it. And as much as we still love these people. Not being with them is probably the best, because they will develop an attitude, a character really, that will not cease to disappoint us reguarly. Because they don't show the gratitude for the working relationship. Perhaps they're not emotionally mature yet or just geniuely undeveloped or self-centered people... I don't know. I hope I can give you strength through these lines to get you going on your journey. Keep doing what you do, keep going on. You seem like a composed guy who might not have his jobs figured out yet, but appears to be able to manage this stressful situation just fine. Don't break down. The next couple months will probably continue to be rough. I haven't been able to properly digest all of the breakup because I had lots of stress and pressure these past couple of weeks. I guess you're in a similar situation and it might feel overwhelming at times. Just push yourself forward. We're living. We're breathing. It's all a miracle in itself right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Thank you guys, I truly appreciate your words. Hopefully we'll all recover quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 A, I thought I'd be better today, but I'm not. I actually feel like I'm working my way backwards. I can't stop thinking that if I just proposed sooner like you wanted, then everything would have been better. What a messed up way of thinking. It definitely wouldn't have been better. You would have been happy until I did something else that you thought of as "annoying". Then I'd be right back here sobbing myself to death in pity and despair. My illogical heart is totally messing with my rational thinking mind. There's a war at full tilt occurring in my body right now....and both sides are losing. Losing horribly. Pyrrhic victory for sure. I had a plan and you ruined it. You couldn't wait. What was the rush? Why do you care so much that your friends and cousins are getting married and you don't have a ring on your finger? (you never knew i had yours in my bureau...) Family pressure? Media pressure? Peer pressure? How can you act so desperate? You're a 10. Listen to me for once, you're a 10. Yes you are amazing and I chose you as you chose me...once. Now it's gone and so are my wants and dreams with you. You left me and took my dreams with you. Never to return again. I have found zero solace in these past five weeks. All I have found is solitude and a depth of sadness that I never thought I would have to experience again. But it's here....and it's winning. I'm glad you can't and don't want to see me now. The ruins of what was a great man. I feel like a shell of myself. I have to regroup. I have to rebuild. The paradox is that you caused this, but I wish you were here to help me reconstruct it. You said my flaws were very few and that I was the most amazing person you had ever met; yet it was one of those flaws that "annoyed" you enough to leave me crushed. Never to return again. Goodnight my love. My heart continues to take siege from my inner demons and it will only be a matter of time before it is broken completely. The walls are being penetrated, while you are probably being too. (hahaha made myself laugh when I reread this). Forever yours in spirit, BlackbirdSong 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 (edited) A, Everytime I feel that I can move a little bit forward, I just get overwhelmed with grief and fall apart. It's getting so bad. I had to leave the gym today (my favorite place in the world) because I had the fight the urge to break down and cry constantly. This is so hard. I can't stop crying and beating myself up for things that I said during our relationship. I see the warning signs that you threw out there that I just brushed off. "I feel bad for your next girlfriend if you constantly complain about hating living here" and "Your next girlfriend won't like it if you're so miserable". I knew those were meaningful comments and they did stir me, but I should have known that you were emotionally gone when you said them. Why didn't I listen? I needed you to help me. You left and I finally did get help and now I'm so much better. I'm so much more positive about everything. I'm who you wanted. Why didn't you stand by me? It's so hard to accept that you didn't love me as much as I thought you did. You didn't love me enough to help me through these tough times. I never raised my voice to you or threatened you or abused you or anything. You were my queen, my love, my world. I would have done ANYTHING for you if you just told me. Problem was, you never told me anything...until it was too late. You suck at communicating. Why do you suck at communicating???? All you had to do was talk to me. Our issues were not big...at all. We never fought, pretty much never argued. You left because 1) you couldn't see me struggle financially anymore, 2) i was depressed about my work situation, 3) you didn't think I wanted kids with you, 4) you wanted me to save money and pay off my bills, 5) you thought I was too spontaneous and you are a planner, and 6) you wanted a house, a husband, and a kid NOW. All of those things were fixable or you misunderstood what was going on because you never asked me. Why are you so impatient??? You told me that I had a three year window before you wanted to get married and have a kid. What happened to that? Why all of a sudden you're in such a rush? I think you fell out of love with me and that's really hard for me to accept. I was your soulmate. I was who you wanted to marry and raise a family with. Now you say you need to become happy independently and feel pretty independently. That's a bunch of ****ing bull****!!!!!!!!!!! You're replacing me with somebody who has money and has his **** together. I was so close to having all that happen. Why not me? You don't give a **** anymore. And I can't handle it. I want to break NC so bad, but I know I don't want to hear what you're gonna say (or not say)..so I won't make contact. Unfortunately me for...neither will you. Edited March 20, 2015 by BlackbirdSong Link to post Share on other sites
Cambria Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I am crying as I read all of this. There are bits that I can relate to. Parts of this that fit me and parts that fit my ex, the one who left me for another woman. I feel your pain. Please continue to share it. It makes me feel slightly less alone in this miserable world. Thank you and I pray that you find happiness. Also, don't break NC! Stay strong! I know you can do it! I'm doing it too and it's so hard. We can get through this together! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 A, Some days I feel that you're right around the corner. Just about to call, reach out. Other days I know you're gone forever. Moved on to what you think is bigger and better. I'm in the dust, praying for your return. But even if you do, will we ever be the same? Truth be told, I'm petrified of you now. I'm scared you could and would hurt me again I'm scared you could leave me in the dust I'm scared you could put me right back where I am now. A place I've been to in the past, but never wanted to return. Yet I'm here.....again. You, in your ivory tower, enjoying life in the clouds of joy and happiness Me, in the depths of despair, regret, guilt, sadness, and loneliness So much rejected love. So much I want to say. So much I want to do. Pleas falling on deaf ears. Do you hear me? Link to post Share on other sites
nightbird101 Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 At first I thought this was written to me xD But As i read more of it I was glad to know it wasnt. If its okay I would like to share my story. Its a bit like yours but from the other side. My ex would vent on me all the time. It would hurt and she told me she loved me. In the last 2 weeks of our relationship i ended it because we started arguing more than often. My intention of the break up is to give her space. I'm still very much in love with her (even though its been 2 days since the bu). But the relationship was becoming more and more toxic. The stresses of a PHD is becoming to much for her. I wanted to try again, she did as well, but warned pain for me is most likely waiting. I gave her flowers, kisses and hugs when she was sad. Held her tight when she got mad. Whiped away tears when things got bad. She said "so many girls deserve this and can show their appreciation better than me". But if our relationship ends my dating days are behind me (been at it and failed to often because I'm 'to nice'). Hearing your story was very emotional and your pain way to strong. I'm sorry for your loss but please remember this. You are one in a million, i know things are tough for you right now. But hang in there okay. You are an amazing person who has accomplished so much whats stopping you from accomplishing more? Absolutely nothing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 A, I woke up crying again. Had a dream that we were in the same class somewhere. I was an arms length away from you. So close that I could actually touch you. You were texting some guy on your phone and you were so happy. You were giggling and looked radiant. You were so happy. I was dying inside. Please leave my dreams babe. Thinking of you all day and night isn't enough? I have to mourn in my dreams as well? I've never had such an attachment problem as I'm having with you. I wish I had the skill you have of being able to just cut people off and move on with your life like those people never existed. I told you that when we were together. Naively, I never thought I would be an eventual victim of your skill that I envied. I used to call you the "Ice Princess" because of this. Your lack of caring. Your ability to cut everybody out of your life if you don't want them. The fact that you only like to have no more than five people in your life at any one time: your mom, your sister, your two friends, and a boyfriend....should have been a red flag. But I was blinded by the fact that I was the boyfriend. I was also blinded by your beauty. I know I think you're the most beautiful woman on this Earth. Losing that physical beauty in my life is really hurting. I love you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 Babe, I'm struggling. Matty told me to write you an email and try to establish contact, but I'm torn as if to that is the right thing to do. Do you need more space? Are you gone forever? Are you just about to contact me and I shouldn't blow it by reaching out? Tell me what to do. Help me. I have helped you so much in the past as you've always told me that I'm "smarter" than you, but this one time I need your help. What do I want to tell you? I want you to know that I do want to marry you. As soon as possible. I want you to know that I do want to have children with you. I was afraid that I couldn't handle the responsibility, but I know I can. You're the only girl that I want to be the mother of my children. I want you to know that I do enjoy spending time with your family and I do enjoy the holidays. I want you to know that I'm not spending money on stuff I don't need anymore. I'm paying off my bills and trying to save. I want you to know that there are many great job opportunities coming to me in the next six months, not the year and a half that I originally thought. I want you to know that I am a planner and I don't always just act spontaneously. I want you to know that I'm so much more positive about my life and living in this area. I was able to figure out what my issues were and I'm intensely working on them. I want you to know that I want this to work. I want it to work in the worst way. I know you're the one for me and I'm willing to do whatever WE need to do to take our relationship to the next level. I want you to remember that I was a great boyfriend. Your parents said that I was so good for you and was a very positive influence. We would have beautiful children. Okay, I think that's enough for now. Missing you, BlackbirdSong 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 Today is really sucking. I've been thinking about you all day long since the moment I woke up. It's gotten so bad that I can "see" you sitting in the chair next to me. It's like you're right here...like a ghost. It is tearing me up how realistic this vision is. Wth is wrong with me? You know I don't do drugs and I very, very rarely drink (not drinking tonight) so I don't know why this is happening. Oh god do I miss you.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 Every time I think I'm starting to feel better....i fall apart. I think I'm starting to accept that you're never coming back. You're finished with me. You don't see a future with me. The timing was wrong. I go to the gym we used to workout at, everyday, hoping that I'll see you there, but then I remember when you told me that you wouldn't go there anymore. You're at your other fancy gym. Every time I hear a car pull up to my apartment, I pray that it's you....but it never is. I want to hear you knock on my door or when I walk up the stairs, see you there waiting to see me. To tell me that you made a mistake and want to try again. I don't want to do this without you. I don't want to live without you. I have 4 great fears regarding you: 1) You'll never come back 2) You'll contact me eventually but won't want us anymore 3) You'll get married and have children without me 4) I'll forget the love I have for you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 A, You know what's really pissing me off? I'm reading all these threads and watching all these stories on the news about guys abusing their girls, verbally and/or physically, cheating on them left and right, having emotional affairs, stealing from them, all this friggin craziness, but I get left because I was depressed for a week and am having a difficult time making enough money. WTF is that! How is that even fair? We were so in love a few weeks before, then ghost. I did nothing wrong. I stressed you out for a week. I wish you just gave me some time to address my situation instead of disappearing, now giving me a lifetime of silence and loneliness. You told me to 'fix things' and 'get my **** together' and then 'we'll see'. Dangling that carrot...nice move. Next day you tell me that you are paralyzed with what to do and you have to get your emotional life together. You need to "feel happy independently and feel pretty independently". WTF does that even mean??? I think you tried to use deflection to soften the blow. You took the focus of our break up off of my issues and voluntarily put them on you, to make me feel better. Once again...nice move. I've always told you that you're a very intelligent woman and you always denied it. Lol, you were playing possum this whole time. You're really good at psychology and were great at playing me at the end. I have you figured out now. You played the soft, insecure, anxious victim and I fell right into it. I thought I could be the White Knight and relieve you of your insecurities. You always said that I was the only thing that could make you feel better. That I was the only thing that could make you feel calm. Apparently not. One bump in the road and you jet. Oh yeah, when you were at my apartment gathering your stuff, we hugged then you walked out the door. Later you texted me, "if you really wanted me to stay, you wouldn't have let me leave"...how is that even fair? I give up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted March 23, 2015 Author Share Posted March 23, 2015 I will fight for you until my last breath. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 A, Time is NOT helping me. The longer we don't speak (going on 50 days or so), the more I know that I have lost you forever. It's killing me. I miss you every single second of every single day. You live right down the street, why don't you come see me? Ahhhh!!!!!! I guess I ended up loving you more than you did towards me and that hurts. Hurts deep. I can't stop crying over you, over us. This sadness will not go away. I do not want to replace the love I have for you with someone else. I really don't. I know it will happen eventually and I hate it. I hate knowing that I have to live my life without you. I chose you. I chose you damnnit! You were obsessed with me and us. Wtf happened? We were so good. I feel so much guilt and I do not know why. I didn't do anything. Sorry I'm not where I need to be. I don't have my "**** together" in your eyes. Love's not enough; it doesn't pay the bills. Congrats on the new guy. I hope the relationship burns in hell. I love you, BlackbirdSong 1 Link to post Share on other sites
youngpistol Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 You the man Blackbird, you on your way. I am in your situation but your having a rougher go around. Not with you at the bottom then she don't deserve to be with you at the top. Your success will ease this mess. Like I said, you the man! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted March 29, 2015 Author Share Posted March 29, 2015 You the man Blackbird, you on your way. I am in your situation but your having a rougher go around. Not with you at the bottom then she don't deserve to be with you at the top. Your success will ease this mess. Like I said, you the man! Thank you youngpistol. I appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Omalley92 Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I am literally in the same emotional place as you Blackbird. It's so frustrating. You'd think after all this time of sticking to NC and realizing not only your faults, but also hers... It'd be easier to get it all over. But it's been three months in my case and it hurts like hell, I miss her crazy, and while I have days where my thoughts of her a limited to a minimum, I still have to endure days like today where my mind constantly thinks of her and us. Granted, I saw her on the bus yesterday. After all this time. It brought everything up. The only way through it is through it. I wish you lots of strength. It's hard I know, but try to see the beauty in the pain you're experiencing. Try to use it as a tool. Be more mature, learn from your mistakes, keep going! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnamonstix Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 A, I wish I had the skill you have of being able to just cut people off and move on with your life like those people never existed. I told you that when we were together. Naively, I never thought I would be an eventual victim of your skill that I envied. I used to call you the "Ice Princess" because of this. Your lack of caring. Your ability to cut everybody out of your life if you don't want them. The fact that you only like to have no more than five people in your life at any one time: your mom, your sister, your two friends, and a boyfriend....should have been a red flag. I've often been envious of people who could do this. But at the end of the day, I'd rather have a huge heart than an empty void that no one can fill. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Baby, Last night I accidentally came across some old email conversations that we had. That was a huge mistake. You wrote, "Marry me" and I said that we will. What happened? I want those times back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 I should of proposed when I had the chance. ... and your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 My biggest fear is the day you tell me that you don't have any feelings for me anymore because I know I'll still have love for you. ****!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlackbirdSong Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 I'm sick of wearing a mask. All day long. It is so exhausting. I'm sick of coming home and breaking down. All night long. It is so exhausting. I'm sick of overthinking and overanalyzing every past conversation, every past text message, everything. It is so exhausting. I'm sick of torturing my dear friends to death about my pain. The pain that has reached depths that are unfathomable. They tell me I'm too good for her. She is missing out. She's thin-skinned. She did not truly love me. She didn't know how lucky she was. In one ear, out the other. I'm deaf to their thoughts. I'm filled with grief. I'm filled with guilt. I'm filled with despair. I'm drowning. I really miss you. Link to post Share on other sites
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