He left me for his ex

[Emma1234]

I posted this a few days ago and got some incredible support and replies:

 

Hey, so we've been seeing each other for a while now, it's a long distance relationship and there is a lot of history, but basically he has said that he doesn't want things posted about us on social media in case it hurts his ex. I feel so undervalued and terrible about this. I want him to be proud of me and to have something 'normal' with him but I feel like things are being dominated by whatever feelings he has for his ex.

 

They still speak quite a lot, I told him I was uncomfortable with it and now it's every 10 days or something, they broke up nearly a year ago. I don't know whether to walk away or not because I feel unappreciated and like he has too much baggage that is constantly hurting me, any advice would be amazing.

 

This ended up happening:

 

Thank you everyone, I told him everything and he just sat there are said you're right. Then he spent about 4 hours shouting in my face, saying things like she's prettier than you, then taking it back and saying he said that to 'shut me up', he messaged her in front of me saying his great she was and better than me bearing my mind I was in floods of tears, he just didn't care. The way he spoke to me!

 

He wants what he can't have, always has, always will. I blocked him from everything and I will never look back now, he has serious problems, two weeks ago he was telling he'd do anything for me, that he wishes I understand how much I mean to him, gawddddd he even started randomly crying one day at the thought of not seeing me again. I can't have someone that toxic in my life, I'm not going to pity myself, I'll move on, travel, make my own life without him.

 

On my plane home I was upset and there was a 24 year old lady sat next to me, that lady got me chocolate and tissues and sat and spoke to me the entire 3 hour plane journey, giving me her own experiences, her own advice, just amazing stuff. She changed my mindset completely, without her I would not be feeling like this, it's people like that who I want to be around, not selfish people who only care about themselves.

 

I went back to my parents house and the first day and the second day was fine, the plane lady had really helped, but yesterday it all crashed on me and I was distraught. I returned back to my normal house with my friends and one of them sat down and spoke to me and made me realise what an idiot he was.

 

She heard from a mutual friend that his ex has just payed off her mortgage (her family are millionaires and she has a job as an accountant earning a ridiculous amount of money considering she has only graduated for 2 years).

 

My now ex was money obsessed, as in it was so important to him. My friend heard some of his friends that still live around here even commenting that that was a large reason for him going back.

Especially as a few weeks ago he was so stressed and saying to me about how he earns a very low income which is unlikely to ever get a whole lot higher and when he moves back to England, chances are he'll have few savings.

 

This helped me at the beginning, made me hate him again and made me realise how shallow he is. But then this morning I just feel crap, I'm never going to be as rich as her, i still find myself more attractive than her but then I'm doubting that often, I just don't have any self-esteem and then I miss him or who I thought he was or who he could be sometimes. I'm blaming myself and just feel awful about my future, especially as I don't know which career path to take (about to graduate).

 

I miss him, I hurt, I feel lost, I don't want to do the next few months of university, I don't want to have to get past him, we had so much fun and so much love when it was good. I just don't know, no words.

Edited March 6, 2015 by Emma1234

[Nolan 93]

I'm sorry that he left for the ex, trust me my current ex did that to me in November. But honestly for him to degrade you and talk down to you like that, it's baffling. He knew he wasn't over her and he was using you for company, and he is shallow for going after money. But he has low income and a lot of people would date someone with a lot of money so they can have it better, but is it worth it?

 

Even with my situation she dumped me out of the blue and give it a week or two and she was back with the guy who hurt her. I realized after a month or two what she had for me wasn't real, in order for her leave a wonderful relationship where she experienced something she's always wanted in one just to throw it away for a failed relationship. May I add this is their third attempt and it will go on for awhile probably.

 

You will feel like crap for awhile but remember he won't be greiving over you trust me. He is happy with the ex and don't spend too much time sulking over him. He's not worth it and I would advise to stay away from long distance relationship it brings on various issues if both partners arnt mutually invested, usually one is and the other isn't.

 

Like today at 12:30 am went to the gym to relax in the sauna, my ex was there with her ex and you know what, she didn't say hi or anything. I didn't see her in front of me she was behind me sneaking away. So she was afraid of me seeing most likely or the guilt is too much for her so she walks with her head down in shame. I say good cause what she did was messed up and everything she said she hated about him she did exactly to me lol. Her loss not mine...literately lol.

 

Just stay strong and keep NC. And slowly move on with life!!! I know what your going through and it does get better.

[sabd]

What a punk! He really treated you badly, didn't he?

You don't deserve that and you most definitely should not be pining over someone who's disrespected you like that.

 

As for going back to his ex, unfortunately that happens. It really sucks!

But if it was for money then he's a shallow twat and it probably won't last.

Not that you need to concern yourself with that though.

 

I know you're feeling very low - hurt, betrayed and lost - and you have no motivation to do anything right now.

It's ok, and its understandable.

Go ahead and mourn the relationship but please don't mourn for that jerk.

It's going to take time, toxic people wreak unspeakable devastation in our lives that takes a long time to get over.

Be gentle on yourself, try to eat well, get some sleep and exercise.

 

Know in your heart that you are better off without him. No doubt.

[Emma1234]

Thank you I know this feeling will go away eventually but it's so hard, it was never this bad before I just feel trapped and panicky and everything reminds me of him and the good times

[Arieswoman]

Emma1234,

I am sorry you are hurting over this and I know how difficult it is to make a break, even when we know we should.

 

I wish I could wave a magic wand and take your pain and distress away, but I can't. I'm afraid this is one lousy situation you need to come to terms with yourself.

 

Keep telling yourself this ;-

 

it's people like that who I want to be around, not selfish people who only care about themselves.

 

Be glad that you dodged a bullet.

 

Be glad that he showed his true colours now and not later.

 

Be glad that you didn't give up your friends/studies/prospects and relocate to his area.

 

Be glad you are are smart, intelligent and have the chance to make a wonderful career for yourself without this jerk dragging you down.

 

Do they have student counsellers at your Uni that you could talk to about this, it might help?

 

Good luck x

[dreamingoftigers]

With the kind of shifty, abusive person he is, that relationship won't work out either.

 

Neither will any that he has until he works on what a jerk he is.

 

You don't crush someone's self-worth to get them to "shut up."

[Emma1234]

I just want it done, I don't know how to deal with this, I just want help but I don't know where the help is or how to be helped

 

it really hurts

[HBK3317]

Please calm down... No one knows exactly how but the last thing we ant right now is to loose our mantle sanity. I know exactly what you are trying to say and how you are feeling... Just hang on it will be okay... Everything will be fine... vent it out here all you want we all are with you. Hang in there.

[whatcanitellyou]

I think what makes this harder is that you imagine that she somehow got this great prize, but she didn't. She got a piece of garbage that wants her money.

 

So you'll never be as rich, so what? You'll also never have a piece of garbage using you for money. See how lucky she is? Try to remember this when you're feeling down. .... you really dodged a bullet here.

[Emma1234]

Thank you for your replies. I showered and tried to distract myself with work so I'm feeling a little calmer now.

 

And you're completely right, that's a great way of looking at it, I think I just struggle because then my mind doubts that that is the reason and that he really loves her. But then I remind myself he cheated on her and lied to her in the past. That's not love. And I also remind myself how shallow and money obsessed he is, the fact that his own friend could say that he went back to her for her money.

 

A few weeks ago we were talking about what he was going to do when he moves back to England and he was panicking because he was going to return in a year or 2 with very little savings, no house etc. and a long way behind his friends. He also lied to his friends about how much he was earning (added on £8000). He's very insecure, I almost feel sorry for him.

 

I know it shouldn't matter but I'm struggling with the idea of him loving and caring for someone more than myself, that's the painful bit, but then I don't believe lying and cheating on someone is love, but then is that just because he didn't want to be away from her?

 

It'd be nice to have a button to turn off thoughts wouldn't it

[HBK3317]

It'd be nice to have a button to turn off thoughts wouldn't it

 

My thoughts exactly! I would give anything to have one! Anything!

[whatcanitellyou]

Thank you for your replies. I showered and tried to distract myself with work so I'm feeling a little calmer now.

 

And you're completely right, that's a great way of looking at it, I think I just struggle because then my mind doubts that that is the reason and that he really loves her. But then I remind myself he cheated on her and lied to her in the past. That's not love. And I also remind myself how shallow and money obsessed he is, the fact that his own friend could say that he went back to her for her money.

 

A few weeks ago we were talking about what he was going to do when he moves back to England and he was panicking because he was going to return in a year or 2 with very little savings, no house etc. and a long way behind his friends. He also lied to his friends about how much he was earning (added on £8000). He's very insecure, I almost feel sorry for him.

 

I know it shouldn't matter but I'm struggling with the idea of him loving and caring for someone more than myself, that's the painful bit, but then I don't believe lying and cheating on someone is love, but then is that just because he didn't want to be away from her?

 

It'd be nice to have a button to turn off thoughts wouldn't it

 

What makes you think he loves her more? He loves her money. She'll never know if he or anyone loves her or her money. I feel sad for her, that's the downside of having money. When I met my hb I didn't have any money, so I know he loves me. I got into a lucrative career later so he benefits, but he didn't know that would happen.

[Emma1234]

What makes you think he loves her more? He loves her money. She'll never know if he or anyone loves her or her money. I feel sad for her, that's the downside of having money. When I met my hb I didn't have any money, so I know he loves me. I got into a lucrative career later so he benefits, but he didn't know that would happen.

 

I don't know for sure but something is telling me maybe he does love her and it's nothing to do with the money. He said things were different between them than they were with us (something he had told me in the past though), and that even if I was Olivia Wilde (someone he is obsessed with) it wouldn't make any difference and he would still be going back to her. Plus they made it work for a very long time in the past so there's something there and maybe his cheating and lying is just a flaw of himself and nothing to do with not loving her a ridiculous amount?

 

I'm just torturing myself with these thoughts aren't I? :/

[elaine567]

To me it sounds like he never really got over her and that you could never compete.

That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, just that she got to him first.

 

At least you know it is a cut and dried situation, so you can move on.

You don't want to be hidden away like your relationship is some secret anyway, you want your man to be proud of you.

[spiderowl]

I'm so sorry. I'm sure you will have ups and downs, days when you accept it and are moving on and then days when it all hits you again. If you spend your time with people who care about you, the bad days will diminish and you will start to see the light about this guy and realise you had a lucky escape.

 

He sounds a bit crazy. What kind of guy behaves so badly to any woman in his life? I hope you can see that his behaviour is not appropriate and whatever woman ends up with him is going to have to cope with his shallowness and very dodgy impulsivity. I'm just sad he hurt you in the process.

 

You sound a sweet person. Someone will come along who really appreciates your honest and loving nature. Guard your heart because it is special and worthy of someone special. xx

[spiderowl]

What a punk! He really treated you badly, didn't he?

You don't deserve that and you most definitely should not be pining over someone who's disrespected you like that.

 

As for going back to his ex, unfortunately that happens. It really sucks!

But if it was for money then he's a shallow twat and it probably won't last.

Not that you need to concern yourself with that though.

 

I know you're feeling very low - hurt, betrayed and lost - and you have no motivation to do anything right now.

It's ok, and its understandable.

Go ahead and mourn the relationship but please don't mourn for that jerk.

It's going to take time, toxic people wreak unspeakable devastation in our lives that takes a long time to get over.

Be gentle on yourself, try to eat well, get some sleep and exercise.

 

Know in your heart that you are better off without him. No doubt.

 

What an amazing and insightful post!

[Emma1234]

Thank you everyone, hearing you all say these things allows me to look at him and his behavior from an outside point of view. I had dreams again last night which is why I think I've woken up struggling.

 

I also did a silly thing and clicked on his facebook (we are no longer friends, it was just an impulsive thing) and i saw he has become friends with another girl very much his type. The thing is, that makes me think his ex hasn't taken him back, I know he used a dating app last time we broke up to (in his words) try and get over me and so maybe he's using it again straight away to try and get over both of us because there is no other way he could have met this girl, I know this guy and his daily routine like the back of my hand.

 

However even if he is still with his ex just the fact that he is talking to someone like that makes me remember the feelings of mistrust, I know it sounds strange this even being a big deal but with him it was. Last time we broke up I remember the same thing happening, he met a girl that he later told me he had dated a few times when we were not together. It has made me feel better because he's either not with his ex and the poor girl gets the chance to move on from him or he is with her but he's still treating her like ****. I know I may be overanalysing and I know I shouldn't have checked but at least it has helped.

 

He's a horrible, selfish characters who lies for his own benefit and image. I know one day I'm going to look back and cringe and be so thankful for this pain at the moment, I can't wait to read back these words and smile because it's true! But for now it's tough, I have a huge amount of work that must be done for tomorrow as well so I think the stress of that is probably taking its toll.

 

Thank you for your kind words though, it's such a relief to wake up and know I can turn to people who understand for advice

[LooperDooper]

Thank you everyone, hearing you all say these things allows me to look at him and his behavior from an outside point of view. I had dreams again last night which is why I think I've woken up struggling.

 

I also did a silly thing and clicked on his facebook (we are no longer friends, it was just an impulsive thing) and i saw he has become friends with another girl very much his type. The thing is, that makes me think his ex hasn't taken him back, I know he used a dating app last time we broke up to (in his words) try and get over me and so maybe he's using it again straight away to try and get over both of us because there is no other way he could have met this girl, I know this guy and his daily routine like the back of my hand.

 

However even if he is still with his ex just the fact that he is talking to someone like that makes me remember the feelings of mistrust, I know it sounds strange this even being a big deal but with him it was. Last time we broke up I remember the same thing happening, he met a girl that he later told me he had dated a few times when we were not together. It has made me feel better because he's either not with his ex and the poor girl gets the chance to move on from him or he is with her but he's still treating her like ****. I know I may be overanalysing and I know I shouldn't have checked but at least it has helped.

 

He's a horrible, selfish characters who lies for his own benefit and image. I know one day I'm going to look back and cringe and be so thankful for this pain at the moment, I can't wait to read back these words and smile because it's true! But for now it's tough, I have a huge amount of work that must be done for tomorrow as well so I think the stress of that is probably taking its toll.

 

Thank you for your kind words though, it's such a relief to wake up and know I can turn to people who understand for advice

 

I was doing the same thing, clicking on their profile (even though limited) and seeing their recent friends, their recent page likes, etc. STOP!!! Right now block that person from facebook, block their number if you are unable to control yourself. You don't need to give ANYBODY an explanation of why you are blocking them, and if he says anything well really what does he care, you do whatever you need to do in your life.

 

I will suggest what has worked for me so far.

- Do your work at a coffee place, Starbucks or whatever. Things as simple as leaving your house for a few hours and being in a public space helps control the thoughts and helps you be efficient (this last one more particularly).

- Start running. Even with 15-20 minutes, I come back feeling amazinggggg and even for those 20 mins I would've stayed thinking about her I got some light exercise.

- Block his number from whatsapp. Again you sound like me in the way that you accept he/she isn't worth it, but yet every message there is a slight hope or something hoping to be that person. Block it, it will prevent you from having that mini panic attack seconds before realizing again that he isn't worth it because he doesn't message you. If he wants to message you, he'll find a way.

- Focus on your work as much as you can. Make it a priority and do a damn good job on it.

- Read. I don't care what. It can be a self-help book or just any book that makes you feel good. But read before you go to bed, it makes me become sleepy and sleep inmediately, instead of going over every story again in my head about her and clearly having anxiety and panic attacks of jealousy and hate, thus preventing my good night's sleep.

 

If you ever need to talk to somebody, I feel like I relate a lot to you a lot. Again, if you are like me, you might be having mood swings all day and when you are alone is when the mood swings negatively. Sometimes it's good to vent to somebody willing to listen and sometimes we need somebody to kick us back up. Anywho, patience and work on you.

 

I'd leave my email but not sure how to do it privately lol.

[Emma1234]

I was doing the same thing, clicking on their profile (even though limited) and seeing their recent friends, their recent page likes, etc. STOP!!! Right now block that person from facebook, block their number if you are unable to control yourself. You don't need to give ANYBODY an explanation of why you are blocking them, and if he says anything well really what does he care, you do whatever you need to do in your life.

 

I will suggest what has worked for me so far.

- Do your work at a coffee place, Starbucks or whatever. Things as simple as leaving your house for a few hours and being in a public space helps control the thoughts and helps you be efficient (this last one more particularly).

- Start running. Even with 15-20 minutes, I come back feeling amazinggggg and even for those 20 mins I would've stayed thinking about her I got some light exercise.

- Block his number from whatsapp. Again you sound like me in the way that you accept he/she isn't worth it, but yet every message there is a slight hope or something hoping to be that person. Block it, it will prevent you from having that mini panic attack seconds before realizing again that he isn't worth it because he doesn't message you. If he wants to message you, he'll find a way.

- Focus on your work as much as you can. Make it a priority and do a damn good job on it.

- Read. I don't care what. It can be a self-help book or just any book that makes you feel good. But read before you go to bed, it makes me become sleepy and sleep inmediately, instead of going over every story again in my head about her and clearly having anxiety and panic attacks of jealousy and hate, thus preventing my good night's sleep.

 

If you ever need to talk to somebody, I feel like I relate a lot to you a lot. Again, if you are like me, you might be having mood swings all day and when you are alone is when the mood swings negatively. Sometimes it's good to vent to somebody willing to listen and sometimes we need somebody to kick us back up. Anywho, patience and work on you.

 

I'd leave my email but not sure how to do it privately lol.

 

Thank you so much for your response. Today has actually been slightly better. I think because I've had to get over him before, my mind is accustomed to it now that the shock has worn off.

 

I just keep re-reading these posts and the list of things I wrote that he did to me, gosh it helps, he was such a bastard. I can't believe I let him take up so long of my life. I don't regret any of it though because some of it was so special and so good, I think I hurt because I want to re-live some of those times. But they're not worth it, there will be someone out there who gives me better times and the security and admiration I deserve.

 

I think I want to be single for a while now, maybe date, but have a year or so to completely get rid of him and any emotional baggage he may have left behind. I'm going to get counselling to deal with any insecurity issues, I'm going to work on my appearance (I don't have any qualms about my appearance, I just think I'd like to get back to feeling how I used to feel about myself), just eat healthy and work out like normal purely because I like the feeling of working out.

 

I'm going to finish my degree and try as hard as I can, then I'm going to apply for jobs over the summer, if nothing comes up by then I'll go and teach english abroad or travel abroad somewhere, I've always wanted to spend a few years with no responsibilities just travelling. I've done so in previous university holidays and these times liberated me in a way no relationship ever has.

 

I need to find myself but in the meantime I'm going to enjoy every second, yes I might feel sick when I think about him and the memories but at least I get to make more memories, sometimes perspective is so important.

 

I know I'm going to have relapses over the next few days, weeks and months but I'm not going to let them ruin me. I will stay strict no contact as you said, no checking, I'm done with it all. I know friendship in the future is an option, and that feels nice, like he isn't completely gone, but then I also know in the future I don't think I'll want to be friends with him.

 

I can't wait to be (for all of us) post back on here in a years time with our success stories about either moving on, meeting someone new or even just realising that life goes on and is actually better without them.

 

If you've managed to get to the end of this rambling then well done it helps to type it all out though. This is just a moment in our lives and we should cherish every moment. Even though it hurts a lot, remember that pain is a growing pain, allow it to happen, you'll come out stronger in the end

 

If anyone has any advice on what to focus on (e.g. physicality, learning an instrument etc.) i'd love to know because I want to put this grieving time and this passion I have into something useful. During my last break up I learnt the guitar which I ended up playing in a theatre production to over 200 people. Little things like that give me hope.

 

I'm going to be honest, I'll probably be posting on this thread this evening about how sad I am but at least I know that this feeling of control exists

[Emma1234]

So I woke up dreaming about him this morning, the thing is i woke up smiling because of how much the little things he'd do or say would make me smile in affection for him.

 

That sucked hugely, but then I read my list of crap he did to me and it made me feel a bit better again. It has been a week today since the break up, a week since I met the plane lady and a week of probably never seeing him again. It hurts a lot but I just keep telling myself this too will pass and no matter how much I want to go back, that's not possible and silly too, we don't know what's around the corner!

 

I think the worst part is thinking that he's going to be right for someone one day and treat them properly and love them a lot because right now despite the hate I feel for him and the knowledge that he is no good for me and is a very selfish insecure person, i still want him but i want him to love me. That is frustrating. I know it will go away though, 6 months time it'll just be a twinge.

 

I have to keep reminding myself it has only been a week. Last time this happened it took probably about a month for me to feel ok so hopefully in a little while I'll be back to that stage, the only difference is last time we didn't fight and he didn't say such cruel things and he didn't go back to his ex soooo. There are a lot of changes happening over the next few months, i am graduating, either starting a new job or starting to travel, I'm kinda finally growing up and I think change is good after a break up. I can't imagine staying here and having to live the same life with all the memories for a few more years, maybe that's why some people get over their ex quicker than others? I don't know, just guessing and trying to find reason in all this bull****.

[Emma1234]

So I'm having a set back, I've just had coffee with my friend and he basically just told me that my ex just me for sex.

 

I know that's not true (but then I am doubting myself a little), and it has just made me feel worthless and crap.

 

He said I underestimate guys and he didn't have any feelings for me.

 

It has really hurt me, this friend in particular has had feelings for me in the past and may still now, plus I know he was really angry when he found out I had given my ex another chance but he has put it in my head now that I was just used and that he never cared which really hurts.

 

I just want to go home and cry but I have to be in public for at least the next 3 hours and I could really do with some support.

 

Thank you