Horrible break up - ex GF wants NC

[pelviswresley]

Hi everyone,

 

I will try to make this as clear as possible!

 

Myself and my ex-girlfriend split up just after Christmas - she broke up with me while she was away, using WhatsApp. She said she was unhappy, wanted to be independent, was happy having fun with her friends and "didn't want us to continue in the new year.

 

I took this very badly, as I wasn't expecting it - although we had been arguing pretty much everyday for several weeks, I had no idea she was just going to leave, especially at a time like that, Christmas and everything.

 

I then found out she was chatting to other people via dating apps (sexually explicit pictures being exchanged etc) and of course, that hurt as she hadn't even come home to break it with me, face to face or even moved out, yet.

 

Anyway, she came back and we sort of had it out - she didn't want to be with me anymore, moved all her stuff out. We had contact - mostly breadcrumbs by her then her getting annoyed if I tried to continue our interactions.

 

I haven't really given much information about our relationship but...

 

I changed my number because I didn't want to be waiting for a text that never came, and all I had was her email address. So say, every four or five days I'd send an email telling her I missed her - nothing threatening, just a short email telling her I missed her or calling her a pet name or something.

 

I spoke to her today, and she told me that I was scaring her, that I should have moved on by now, that if it continues she will take it further. That I should delete her number and doesn't want contact. Asking me why I am putting myself through this, and why am I putting her through it, that she's happy now and doesn't need the stress.

 

I am just...confused? We were together for 18 months, living together. Am I wrong for thinking that I shouldn't be over it, by now?

 

I feel bad for contacting her, but obviously I am just confused. She's already with someone else (one of the people she was chatting to) and I just... I'm still in total disbelief. I cry everytime I come home, everytime I go to bed - sometimes even on the bus, I am holding back tears.

 

She made me feel like we would be together forever, and now she's with someone else and has cut me out of her life. I just don't get it.

Edited March 5, 2015 by pelviswresley

[Satu]

It's really difficult, but you have to respect her wishes.

 

If someone tells you not to contact them, there should be no further contact.

 

No Contact is actually better for YOU, and will help you recover faster.

 

 

Here are a few tips that might help:

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 2 litres for male.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

 

***************************************************

 

 

You will be hurting badly for a while, but you will turn the corner and start to feel better. Nobody can say when that will be, but the better you look after yourself, the sooner it will be.

 

All the best,

 

Satu

[pelviswresley]

It's really difficult, but you have to respect her wishes.

 

If someone tells you not to contact them, there should be no further contact.

 

No Contact is actually better for YOU, and will help you recover faster.

 

 

Here are a few tips that might help:

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 2 litres for male.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

 

***************************************************

 

 

You will be hurting badly for a while, but you will turn the corner and start to feel better. Nobody can say when that will be, but the better you look after yourself, the sooner it will be.

 

All the best,

 

Satu

 

Thanks Satu.

 

I have been doing most of those, but yet finding it hard to let go.

 

I won't contact her again - today was the first time she had told me not to contact her. I didn't want to message her, I would go several days NC and then buckle, missing her. I didn't mean to be annoying or to hurt anyone, I just miss her - I am devastated.

 

We went on trips away, I met her family and she met mine. I had such hopes for the future and I just... I'm devastated.

[pelviswresley]

Are there any dumpers or any one with a bit of experience that can help me to understand how someone just sort of goes from being with someone every single day to not wanting them in their lives, any more?

 

I miss her so much, and I just can't understand how she has forgotten everything - I can't even go to bed most nights as she's not here and we no longer have our bedtime routing of brushing teeth etc...If I do go to bed, I just cry myself to sleep.

 

And she's with someone else. I don't understand. She has cut ME out of her life for someone she barely knows, two months maximum they've been together. I wasn't even harrassing her or anything like that, I am not that sort of person. I would say things like "Babe, I miss you" and that would be it for another five days. She seems to be totally infatuated with this new person and I just don't get it, I feel terrible.

Edited March 5, 2015 by pelviswresley

[Satu]

It is very hard. No one here would tell you it's easy, but it can be done, and you can do it.

 

You are grieving, and that's natural.

 

Take very good care of yourself.

 

Be Your own best friend.

[gnick]

Basically the same thing happened to me only mine just stopped talking to me.I didn't get anything from her telling me to stop contact. It's laughable she thinks you should be over it in a week. It will take months

[pelviswresley]

Basically the same thing happened to me only mine just stopped talking to me.I didn't get anything from her telling me to stop contact. It's laughable she thinks you should be over it in a week. It will take months

 

I know that these people prepare for it in their minds, emotionally detaching and whatever else but to me... I don't know. I know they have to act cold so as not to give hope but.. Oh wow, this is just so complicated.

 

But yeah, it won't take weeks. It's not just going to go away. That's the worst part.

[EgoJoe]

Emotional immaturity, branch theory etc.

 

She decided that she wanted something else.

[Jimmyjackson]

How long have you been broken up and are you in NC?

 

My ex sort of did something similar in the sense she felt attracted to someone else so broke up with me, but she couldn't be with the other guy either (long story).

 

She's finding it easier because she's already moved on and has a new guy that's exciting, whereas you're shocked and didn't see it coming.

 

Her wanting NC actually helps you believe it or not, she's doing you a favour by not keeping you hooked with contact/social media etc.

 

Give it some time and you'll heal.

[pelviswresley]

How long have you been broken up and are you in NC?

 

My ex sort of did something similar in the sense she felt attracted to someone else so broke up with me, but she couldn't be with the other guy either (long story).

 

She's finding it easier because she's already moved on and has a new guy that's exciting, whereas you're shocked and didn't see it coming.

 

Her wanting NC actually helps you believe it or not, she's doing you a favour by not keeping you hooked with contact/social media etc.

 

Give it some time and you'll heal.

 

We've been broken up for two months, which I know sounds a long time but it was a very messy break up and very drawn out. Mixed signals from her, failed NC attempts from both sides and then just two weeks ago she uploaded something that indicated a new love interest which upset me (I shouldn't have been looking, but she had told me face to face that there was no-one else so I wasn't expecting that) and so it made me realise that it had been going on since or just before we broke up.

 

I am NC now, I have always tried to go full NC but I did find it hard. I couldn't grasp just how she was "over" me and I don't know... I just found it hard.

 

I'm also sorry to hear that you're going through something similar, and hope you're doing OK.

[mightycpa]

Are there any dumpers or any one with a bit of experience that can help me to understand how someone just sort of goes from being with someone every single day to not wanting them in their lives, any more?

 

Sure, I'll do that for you. I don't think you'll understand, but I'll circle back around to that at the end.

 

First, let's review:

 

I wasn't expecting it - although we had been arguing pretty much everyday for several weeks

You weren't paying attention and things were not as good as you remember them. Can you imagine? EVERY DAY FOR SEVERAL WEEKS.

 

I take it that she WAS paying attention, and she started to see a part of you that she didn't like. The days and weeks droned on, and at some point, her love snapped. The quarreling pushed it past the point of no return. She saw you in a new light and she didn't like what she saw. Then, when she went away, her life brightened up again, and I'm quite sure that she dreaded returning to you.

 

So that's what happened, filling in a few blanks from what you've said.

 

As to your question about HOW, well, that is really very easy. You once made her brain secrete good brain chemicals, and she associated that with you. Then all of the strife made her brain secrete bad brain chemicals, and she associated that with you. Being away from you stopped the bad secretions, and her pals and the new man started the good secretions again. You turned from good feelings to bad. You're going to be stuck there for a while. You're not even a pleasant memory anymore. She's just done. That's it.

 

Your best bet is to leave her the stink alone, and start reliving those weeks upon weeks of fighting. The good news is that you had to live through all that **** too, and your reaction to that should really be no different than hers. You should ask yourself why it isn't.

 

Maybe you'll be able to recognize that you didn't really like it after all, and that might be the key to you letting go. I sure hope you don't suffer much longer, but you've got to start thinking about the right things, instead of wondering how she has moved on. Look forward, not back. Set some goals. Stop playing the what if game, and the how could she game and the what does she think game. Feel bad for a little while, without resistance and without a break. That's going to be more difficult than you think, but you've got to exhaust your grief and there's only one way to do that. You've got to feel it.

 

You'll be ok, and yes, it may take a while. But stop lying to yourself and it will go faster. It wasn't a bed of roses. There were plenty of thorns to hear you tell it. Don't ignore those - she sure didn't, and look where it got her. You can get there too.

 

Good luck, OP!

[Jimmyjackson]

I take it that she WAS paying attention, and she started to see a part of you that she didn't like. The days and weeks droned on, and at some point, her love snapped. The quarreling pushed it past the point of no return. She saw you in a new light and she didn't like what she saw. Then, when she went away, her life brightened up again, and I'm quite sure that she dreaded returning to you.

 

I agree with this, looking back I see that I started to get needy the closer it got to her going away to Africa for 2 months, and she obviously seen a side of me she didn't like. When she returned she had found someone while there and must've dreaded returning to me.

 

This post by mightycpa really sums up my experience too.

[Jimmyjackson]

We've been broken up for two months, which I know sounds a long time but it was a very messy break up and very drawn out. Mixed signals from her, failed NC attempts from both sides and then just two weeks ago she uploaded something that indicated a new love interest which upset me (I shouldn't have been looking, but she had told me face to face that there was no-one else so I wasn't expecting that) and so it made me realise that it had been going on since or just before we broke up.

 

I am NC now, I have always tried to go full NC but I did find it hard. I couldn't grasp just how she was "over" me and I don't know... I just found it hard.

 

I'm also sorry to hear that you're going through something similar, and hope you're doing OK.

 

No, two months isn't a long time, don't worry. I'm 6 months post break up and I'm still not 100% healed but I'm pretty much there I think.

 

Best thing you can do is keep NC, reflect on what went wrong and read other posts that you find similar to yours, it might help you put the puzzle together in your head as to why she's now over you.

[pelviswresley]

Sure, I'll do that for you. I don't think you'll understand, but I'll circle back around to that at the end.

 

First, let's review:

 

You weren't paying attention and things were not as good as you remember them. Can you imagine? EVERY DAY FOR SEVERAL WEEKS.

 

I take it that she WAS paying attention, and she started to see a part of you that she didn't like. The days and weeks droned on, and at some point, her love snapped. The quarreling pushed it past the point of no return. She saw you in a new light and she didn't like what she saw. Then, when she went away, her life brightened up again, and I'm quite sure that she dreaded returning to you.

 

So that's what happened, filling in a few blanks from what you've said.

 

As to your question about HOW, well, that is really very easy. You once made her brain secrete good brain chemicals, and she associated that with you. Then all of the strife made her brain secrete bad brain chemicals, and she associated that with you. Being away from you stopped the bad secretions, and her pals and the new man started the good secretions again. You turned from good feelings to bad. You're going to be stuck there for a while. You're not even a pleasant memory anymore. She's just done. That's it.

 

Your best bet is to leave her the stink alone, and start reliving those weeks upon weeks of fighting. The good news is that you had to live through all that **** too, and your reaction to that should really be no different than hers. You should ask yourself why it isn't.

 

Maybe you'll be able to recognize that you didn't really like it after all, and that might be the key to you letting go. I sure hope you don't suffer much longer, but you've got to start thinking about the right things, instead of wondering how she has moved on. Look forward, not back. Set some goals. Stop playing the what if game, and the how could she game and the what does she think game. Feel bad for a little while, without resistance and without a break. That's going to be more difficult than you think, but you've got to exhaust your grief and there's only one way to do that. You've got to feel it.

 

You'll be ok, and yes, it may take a while. But stop lying to yourself and it will go faster. It wasn't a bed of roses. There were plenty of thorns to hear you tell it. Don't ignore those - she sure didn't, and look where it got her. You can get there too.

 

Good luck, OP!

 

This post was very difficult to read, at first... but after I read it - it all made sense to me. I think I have probably been slightly selfish in thinking she HAD to stay with me - we argued a hell of a lot. We were very different people, and neither of us would back down etc. She was also quite a narcissist, but that's neither here nor there, now. We just weren't a match, and when you put it that way - of course she is entitled to find happiness, just as I am.

 

I think I was clinging on to the relationship. I haven't had many and because we lived together, I viewed it as serious. I was angry that she left. Angry that she had someone else and I didn't. Just angry. I also get lonely, bored. I felt a part of something when I was with her but I need to find my own way in life.

 

I don't know who you are, cpa - but you have made me feel a whole lot better. I don't feel angry, now. I see it for what it is. Wow.

[sabd]

2 Months is not a long time to get over a hard breakup.

Of course, she'd love for you to be over it already so that she can be free of you completely.

Ignore that. It's not her business.

Take as long as you need.

Respect her wishes and don't contact her - this is mostly for YOU though.

As for her getting over it so fast, well she'd checked out of the relationship earlier and had time to get used to her new life before she even ended it with you.

[ZiggyZoo]

Wow, mightycpa, you deserve a medal for that post! Very well said.

 

And as a dumper myself, I can tell you that she went through the disengagement process while you two were still together, which is how it can look like she's just moved on so quickly. She'd been working on it for a while. I'm not proud of this now that I've been on the other side of it, but I did the same thing to one of my exs. We were together for so long, I just got to the point where I couldn't overlook the little (and big) things that bugged me and didn't care to try to make it work anymore. But I didn't hate him or anything, so I hung around. I picked fights to make it easier on me to leave, but never did the decent thing and told him what I was really feeling. Now that that's happened to me, I would never do it to anyone else, but I had no idea how much it hurts.

 

I also agree that 2 months is nowhere near long enough to expect to be recovered form a break-up, so cut yourself some slack there. Especially since you've been contacting her and getting your hopes up that maybe things will go back to the way they were. That's hard to do, and is why NC is the best way to get over someone. By not getting your hopes up, only to have them dashed over and over, you can start to move forward by yourself. It sucks, and you'll still miss her, but she'll slowly stop being the focus of your thoughts and you'll heal.

[1040]

Terrible situation, sorry.

 

You have to maintain NC, hard as it can be. She has specifically warned you to leave her alone. If you contact her again, cops and lawyers and judges might get involved and you do NOT want that. Good luck.

 

And if she contacts you for any reason, ignore. You will just open up that wound.

[pelviswresley]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am obviously NC now as I don't want to get into any trouble with her or anyone else. It is hard - I do miss her a lot but there's nothing I can do except move forward.

 

She has had a past of sort of moving on to others before she ends things with who she's with, and I just didn't think she would do it to me but hey... never mind.

 

I just worry that she will hate me and always associate me with bad feelings in the future whenever she thinks of me, and that's something that does really bug me.

[pelviswresley]

Do dumpers forget about dumpees?

[mightycpa]

Do dumpers forget about dumpees?

Not forget, as in erased from memory, but yes, forget, as in not thinking about you anymore.

 

Especially if someone new is in the picture.

[pelviswresley]

Not forget, as in erased from memory, but yes, forget, as in not thinking about you anymore.

 

Especially if someone new is in the picture.

 

Can I get in touch with her in the future? On a friends basis? Or will the hate from the break up never go away?

[mightycpa]

Can I get in touch with her in the future? On a friends basis? Or will the hate from the break up never go away?

Well, the only time it will be healthy for you to contact her is when you are truly indifferent about her feelings and her situation. That is not a matter of time; it is more about a state of mind.

 

But when you get there, you'll find that you probably won't really feel compelled to do it. You just won't care what she thinks about you.

[pelviswresley]

Well, the only time it will be healthy for you to contact her is when you are truly indifferent about her feelings and her situation. That is not a matter of time; it is more about a state of mind.

 

But when you get there, you'll find that you probably won't really feel compelled to do it. You just won't care what she thinks about you.

 

Of course no, I won't care what she thinks. I just don't like the idea of someone not liking me, or regretting me as a partner.

 

And then there are all the thoughts of the two of them doing things that I and her should be doing... I just miss her so much. I wish she didn't leave.

[1040]

Can I get in touch with her in the future? On a friends basis? Or will the hate from the break up never go away?

 

Reread my post above. She told you to leave her alone, and she has the right to demand that. Do not risk getting a restraining order placed against you.

 

In future months/years, you probably won't feel like contact anyway. Her opinion of you will not mean anything.

[pelviswresley]

Reread my post above. She told you to leave her alone, and she has the right to demand that. Do not risk getting a restraining order placed against you.

 

In future months/years, you probably won't feel like contact anyway. Her opinion of you will not mean anything.

 

I wasn't even doing anything wrong. She walked out on me, dumping me via WhatsApp and had presented me with mixed signals for weeks. I was and still am heartbroken, and would never send threatening or abusive messages, neither would they be very often.

 

I won't contact her, I haven't said I was going to.