Jump to content

Begging for light


Recommended Posts

Hey forum people.

 

This will be be pretty lengthy, but I'll try to explain it the best way I know how and jam pack roughly 5 years in the story to make you understand, and to hopefully get your help and advice that I need.

 

I was 22 when I met ex fiance, she was 20 and also had a 5 year old son. The father was there for birth and then gone ever since. The time I was seeking her out I was a quote on quote '' player ''. Fresh out of college, athletic, your '' woman's man ''. I was still stuck in this party mode. However, Rachel is her name, ended up finally giving me her number over Facebook. I proceeded to text, would barley every get anything. Small spam bites here and there. Then I started calling her and noticed I would get more out of her when I did that. We started dating for three months and it was going great. Then all of a sudden I noticed there was a guy she was in love with in HS. He was coming back in town from the navy. She cut me off, but told me she still wanted to talk to me. I was very hurt.

 

I still spoke with her, but did my own thing again for about a month. She ended up texting me one morning and told me how she was wrong and wanted to meet for lunch and re-kindle things. I agreed, because there was something about this woman that was different from all the rest. I also never imagined being with a '' packaged deal '' (her son) also. But I didn't care, I wanted it. One night we were in bed and I told her I couldn't be with her if she had slept with anyone in between, it's just how my state of mind was. She broke down crying said she slept with the guy who came home from the navy. She said she didn't want to tell me because she knew I wouldn't want to be with her. I ended up forgiving her and she said she wanted to be my gf the next day. So there is started.

 

About 6 months later we moved in together, also with her older sister.

 

After about a year, it became a bumpy ride. We definitely had great times, but I still was stuck in party mode until about two years in. I can't tell you how many times she cried her self to sleep just because she wanted my love and attention. It got to a point where I didn't even want to have sex with her because I got so comfortable and was going out so much. Things started to get better and I decided I wanted to marry her. I spent about $7000 on a ring, made a very special proposal and this sushi place in a elegant area called Santana Row. I had a custom menu made so when she got to the bottom she read it and saw what it said. Here's the video( URL removed by moderation as personal identifying info)

 

Things were good for about a year, and slowly went back to the way they were. We agreed to move into a new place together. This time a house, again with her sister. Thing from here on out were up and down. I was struggling with ultimately fixing my self. I was hot then cold, and again all she wanted was my love. I kept things private, never let her look through my phone, etc. Even though I wasn't hiding anything it was my stupid pride, all the time. I developed an anxiety problem about the last year of our relationship. This started taking the ultimate toll on us. She started really resenting me and was having a difficult time dealing with it. I ended up losing my job toward the end of our lease and she said that was the icing on the cake.

 

Don't forget that we did have great times as well, and became a father to her son, being that he had never had a father before. I was never trained to be a father, but I grew to love him as my own. Got him into sports, etc. Through the old moving/break up process we still lived together. We were kind of stuck. We continued to have sex, (more sex) actually. We'de still go to dinner, run errands together, etc. But toward the very end, she started talking to many guys, a couple in particular. Made a Tinder (dating app for your phone) it's basically just for hook ups. A couple guys had waited in the background to talk to her for so long for us to break up. I finally lost it one day and asked how could she be doing this so quickly. She said she had been there in her head for a while, but was struggling.

 

Even after the move, about a week, we continued to see each other, have sex, and we have GREAT sex. She also is still attracted to me. But doesn't want what I want anymore. I know I'm ultimately to blame for the relationship failing. The reasons she has given me for not working it out is she felt controlled and which is why she went all talked to all these guys. But now says she's over all the attention and it isn't worth it. She also says being single isn't as glamorous as she thought. Since the break up, she's only broken down once, saying, '' I'm having such a hard time dealing with this, I'm sorry things didn't work out and I just want you to be happy ''.

 

I want to just recap a bit that as soon as she landed a job where it involved her traveling over the U.S. 1-2 times a month, our relationship started getting more rocky. She became an event coordinator. Her job is literally to set up happy hour events, and dinner events where high tech reps get drunk. So the attention she was getting was obviously changing her perspective. She has told me that I'm all she's ever known. I've made my self clear that if she does sleep with someone else to figure it out, I won't be there anymore. Although I probably would. I justify it by knowing how wrong I treated her and just want to make it right. I took her for granted so much and just want to fix it.

 

She still wants me in her son's life, which I agreed to because I love and care for him. We also have two dogs which we'll be sharing as well. (Two husky's). So it's hard to maintain a constant NC. Also, before we moved out of the house, she would say things like we can still do family things like camping, etc. I'm like WTF? Soo... you want the best of both worlds? She also would ask me questions like, so what're you going to do when you no longer have me to wake up to? (Referring to sex). I'm like uhhh? I've tried pouring my heart out to her many times, and I know that only pushes away someone farther. Does she really want to start with someone new? and another man eventually be his dad and I'll just become his '' friend? ''. She says her feelings aren't the same anymore. I've also said do you really want to lose me? She would say yes. But she has said this so many times in the past and I've been able to fix it. But obviously not living apart.

 

What am I to do here? Obviously all I can do is wait and live my life. But every time I look into another woman eyes, I see her. As soon as I became single, I was getting flooded. I've been on 3 dates already. And I just feel sick.

 

I know I'm probably missing some things, but I need your sincere help, dig deep and really think about it, before you go on to say GIVE UP!

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites

When you asked her, "Do you really want to lose me?" and her response is "yes" believe her.

 

 

Time to move on, dude.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok, I've thought about it.

 

maintain LC.

 

That is, keep in touch for the child's sake (for as long as THAT lasts!) Remember though, you are under absolutely no legal obligation to support or pay maintenance.

 

Keep in LC for the dogs (if that's really part of the deal. I can see why, but after a while of not seeing them, it will begin to matter less. Been there, done that....)

 

Do not continue contact for any other reason.

The only reasons you need to speak to her are about the child, and only that, and about the dogs and only those.

 

Everything else is non-negotiable, over, finished, irrelevant, immaterial and done with.

 

Any discussion about a reconciliation has to be engineered and begun by her and she has to be damn serious about it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
When you asked her, "Do you really want to lose me?" and her response is "yes" believe her.

 

 

Time to move on, dude.

 

What doesn't ever add up is because shortly after that, she'll say maybe we can date in the future, but now now. Everything she's ever said has never added up.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I also want to add that it has been two months, and she still has ALL our pictures up on Facebook, including our engagement pictures. And still has pictures of us on Instagram.

Link to post
Share on other sites

That is sad, that so much potential may already be lost. It sounds like a story that both could look back on in the future, and have regrets.

 

 

She may be getting some attention at the events she plans, but that doesn't mean it will be from anyone who could be a father to her son.

 

 

Everyone makes mistakes, and all relationships have smooth times and rough times. It seems to me that your chemistry and the fact you kept getting back together and maybe even stronger each time, should say a lot about not throwing things away.

Link to post
Share on other sites
What doesn't ever add up is because shortly after that, she'll say maybe we can date in the future, but now now. Everything she's ever said has never added up.

 

 

She's stringing you along. Doesn't want to let go completely. Wants you waiting on the sidelines pining for her while she plays the field.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
That is sad, that so much potential may already be lost. It sounds like a story that both could look back on in the future, and have regrets.

 

 

She may be getting some attention at the events she plans, but that doesn't mean it will be from anyone who could be a father to her son.

 

 

Everyone makes mistakes, and all relationships have smooth times and rough times. It seems to me that your chemistry and the fact you kept getting back together and maybe even stronger each time, should say a lot about not throwing things away.

 

 

Thank you for saying that. I really appreciate it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are better than a backup plan. Lesson learned Hollywood love is fake. Turn this energy inward slay new tail and learn about psychology, emotions, boundaries etc.

 

As Chi would say, travel, get ripped and follow your dreams. You are no longer tied down! The world is your oyster!

Link to post
Share on other sites
What doesn't ever add up is because shortly after that, she'll say *maybe we can date in the future, but now now. Everything she's ever said has never added up.

 

*The only time we have is the present.

 

The past is gone and the future is unknown.

 

The only time that matters is now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You are better than a backup plan. Lesson learned Hollywood love is fake. Turn this energy inward slay new tail and learn about psychology, emotions, boundaries etc.

 

As Chi would say, travel, get ripped and follow your dreams. You are no longer tied down! The world is your oyster!

 

Heh... That's one thing she would always say.. ''This world is our oyster babe''.

 

Thank you for saying I'm better then a backup plan. I wish she felt the same at this point.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It seems to me that she wants to eat her cake and have it.

She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but is quite happy for you to be around for her son, errands, etc.

Maybe you were largely responsible for not treating her right during the relationship but that doesn't mean you now deserve to be used.

 

She says her feelings aren't the same anymore. I've also said do you really want to lose me? She would say yes.

You need to move on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...