Ex girlfriend and her family treats me like I was abusive

[binrob]

So my ex and I broke up in early september. She started dating another guy within a week. I contacted her middle of october and we started talking again. We said we loved each other and she said she wanted to try again. Suddenly after 3 weeks she changes her mind from nowhere saying she wants to break up for real this time.

 

2 weeks later I see her holding hands with another guy. They are now in a relationship and have been since then I think. They are pretty serious. They even went on a vacation together after one month of us breaking up. Now her and her whole family treats me like I was some sort of abusive maniac. I did not chase her or anything. I only wrote to her after we broke up asking how she could do this after saying she loved me and wanting to try again but she didn’t answer and blocked me on facebook. After that I did not contact until seeing they had been on a vacation together. I texted her telling her how I thought she was false that she could do that and move on so quick and that I wanted her out of my life. I did not expect or want a response. I just needed to let her know.

 

A month later I accidentally called her while deleting her number. It only rang once. But the day after her father calls me threatening to call the police and tells me to stay away. I don’t understand. I have taken care of her for 4 years. Never let her spend a dime of her own money, always driven her to where she needed to go. Never been abusive. Yet now after only contacting 3 times in 4 months time, one of the times by mistake, they are threatening to call the police? Why are they treating me like this? Why would she even run to her dad after only a missed call? After 4 years she can’t even acknowledge my existance or respect me.

[Chi townD]

Okay, I want you to be open-minded and start thinking with your head and not your heart (or anywhere further south than that). Think about this.

 

 

What girl, in her right mind, would go on vacation with someone they JUST MET one month ago? A virtual stranger? The answer is very little to NONE! Therefore, she had to feel comfortable with this guy and knew him well enough to go with him. Light bulbs turning on yet?

 

 

She had this guy waiting in the wings, this was probably her side dude. She was probably cheating on you and she knows that sooner or later, you're going to but 1+1 together.

 

 

She knows she did you wrong. She knows she handled the break up badly and she knows she cheated on you. Therefore, she had to demonize you in her head to justify her actions and ease her guilt. So, you went from being as nice a guy as Ward Cleaver to Hitler overnight. That's the only way she can deal with her guilt is to rewrite your relationship history and turn you into a monster as way for her to cope with her guilt.

 

 

Dude, write this bitch off and move on with your life. Stick to a hard NC and start making positive changes to your life. Time to heal dude.

[HurtGator]

Something similar happened to me with my break up. I didn't call her at all after she broke up with me. Before the breakup, I suspected strange behavior between her and a coworker of ours (ex and I work together). When I brought it up to her she denied anything was going on and said that they were just very good friends (since when were they very good friends??? lol) However, TWO DAYS after the break up, she was going out with the guy. So the moral of the story here is, she didn't just all of a sudden start liking the guy. Like Chicago was saying, she was at the very least emotionally cheating on you and broke up with you for the other guy.

 

GOOD RIDDANCE!

[d0nnivain]

Take the whole overreaction thing as evidence you dodged a bullet. The whole family is nuts.

Delete her # out of your phone so you don't accidentally call again & move on.

[binrob]

Okay, I want you to be open-minded and start thinking with your head and not your heart (or anywhere further south than that). Think about this.

 

 

What girl, in her right mind, would go on vacation with someone they JUST MET one month ago? A virtual stranger? The answer is very little to NONE! Therefore, she had to feel comfortable with this guy and knew him well enough to go with him. Light bulbs turning on yet?

 

 

She had this guy waiting in the wings, this was probably her side dude. She was probably cheating on you and she knows that sooner or later, you're going to but 1+1 together.

 

 

She knows she did you wrong. She knows she handled the break up badly and she knows she cheated on you. Therefore, she had to demonize you in her head to justify her actions and ease her guilt. So, you went from being as nice a guy as Ward Cleaver to Hitler overnight. That's the only way she can deal with her guilt is to rewrite your relationship history and turn you into a monster as way for her to cope with her guilt.

 

 

Dude, write this bitch off and move on with your life. Stick to a hard NC and start making positive changes to your life. Time to heal dude.

 

 

I have thought about it and it is very possible that what you are saying is true. But I do know they sort of knew each other through mutual friends before. But to my knowledge it was never past the just say hi if they see each other level of friendship. But I guess it could've been more. I was just hoping that maybe the whole vacation thing and things moving super fast was just rebound behavior.

 

Anyway it is very possible she cheated. I don't know. I still don't feel like I deserve to be treated like a monster after taking care of her and being a part of her life for 4 years.

[ManyDissapoint]

Okay, I want you to be open-minded and start thinking with your head and not your heart (or anywhere further south than that). Think about this.

 

 

What girl, in her right mind, would go on vacation with someone they JUST MET one month ago? A virtual stranger? The answer is very little to NONE! Therefore, she had to feel comfortable with this guy and knew him well enough to go with him. Light bulbs turning on yet?

 

 

She had this guy waiting in the wings, this was probably her side dude. She was probably cheating on you and she knows that sooner or later, you're going to but 1+1 together.

 

 

She knows she did you wrong. She knows she handled the break up badly and she knows she cheated on you. Therefore, she had to demonize you in her head to justify her actions and ease her guilt. So, you went from being as nice a guy as Ward Cleaver to Hitler overnight. That's the only way she can deal with her guilt is to rewrite your relationship history and turn you into a monster as way for her to cope with her guilt.

 

 

Dude, write this bitch off and move on with your life. Stick to a hard NC and start making positive changes to your life. Time to heal dude.

 

Yep. Brilliant post. Amazing how this psychotic behavior is actually pretty common.

[Chi townD]

Yep. Brilliant post. Amazing how this psychotic behavior is actually pretty common.

 

 

Yep! In it's simplest terms, it's called rewriting the martial (relationship) history. The rewrite it in their heads and tell people an entirely different story to people as to why they're not together anymore. She could be telling people he was abusive and the truth is, there was never any abuse and she probably told him the day before she ended it that she loved him and can't imagine a life without him.

 

 

Really strange stuff.

[SearchingForMyself]

J

Yep! In it's simplest terms, it's called rewriting the martial (relationship) history. The rewrite it in their heads and tell people an entirely different story to people as to why they're not together anymore. She could be telling people he was abusive and the truth is, there was never any abuse and she probably told him the day before she ended it that she loved him and can't imagine a life without him.

 

 

Really strange stuff.

 

strange? Chitown, what happened to the OP is almost textbook exact to what happened with me and my first girlfriend.

 

We were together for nearly 4 years. One day she comes out of the blue asking for a break...I noticed she was dodging me and hanging out with a male coworker a little more often...and even talking about him a little more often.

 

Asked her numerous times if she was into this guy, she flat out denied it. We starting fighting a little more, all the while she's trying to convince me that she still loved me, but felt overwhelmed by the seriousness of a relationship. The day before, she even told me that she couldnt wait to marry me one day when this blows over. Two months later, she breaks things off with me. Her reason: our arguments made her brother and his gf break up(that was literally, her reason for breaking things off, wtf?) 5 days later, I call her cell, and a guy answer. He tells me everything...that theyve been in a relationship for months...and when I got on the phone, she said "sorry, things change." laughs about it, and then hangs up.

 

The moment I tried to contact her again, her parents inform me that my ex no longer feels safe around me, and if I call again, theyll call the police.

 

Its not as strange as you think. Women like the OP and mines ex are so self entitled to what they want they disregard who they have to burn to get what they want, and being women with options, the actual chance of them losing out on a guy is slim, at least for the TIME being. But their egos and their absolute need for people to like them is so strong that they rewrite their history to other people by taking little things about you and blowing them out of proportion, just to justify that they deserve to cheat on you.

 

I never thought Id find someone to relate to my story till I read the OPs story. So let me give you advice from someone who has been there.

 

Give this chick nothing. Not your time, attention, texts, emotions. Go complete dark. The one thing women like her cant stand is not knowing how someone feels about them, because the possibility that someone hates them drives them nuts.

 

Shes got some serious maturing to do. In the future, do not tolerate this behavior. Recognize the red flags because these days, more and more females are being flaky thanks for social media.

 

She cheated on you dude, just like mine did to me. She doesn't deserve your tears. She doesn't deserve anything from you.

Edited March 4, 2015 by SearchingForMyself

[ZiggyZoo]

Well, she had to tell her family SOMEthing to explain how she could go from you to a new guy in the blink of an eye. And it's not like shes going to admit to creeping around behind your back, right? So she went with the fact that you were abusive, to justify cutting you off so quickly. This way she gets sympathy from everyone, and deflects attention away from the fast turnaround and instead gets them to be glad she FINALLY met a "good" guy.

 

My ex-husband did just what ChiTownD said, demonized me in his own mind to justify walking out on me for another woman. He would poke at me and push my buttons so I'd get so pissed that I WAS the "crazy ex" whenever I'd have to talk to him. Once my therapist pointed out what he was up to though, I was sweet as pie no matter what he threw at me which PISSED him off. Ha ha!

 

But yeah, consider yourself lucky to be done with such an immature, manipulative twat.

[elaine567]

You are out of the picture and never need to contact her family ever again, what does it matter what they think of you?

 

As for the new guy and the holiday, I don't know if she was seeing him before the break up, had her eye on him before the break up or just met him after the break up and neither does anyone else here.

I know many on here have been cheated on by women in the past and thus see cheating everywhere, but that is no proof that your ex did in fact cheat on you.

Some women cheat, some just don't.

 

Some people find their relationship suffocating and that is why they want to go, and when they actually break up they feel they are "free". Taking a spontaneous vacation with a new guy is something that "free" people can do.

A friend of mine once did this, she genuinely only met the guy after the break up (she was the dumper), I was there when they met, but within a very short time, SHE booked the holiday abroad, threw caution to the wind and off they went.

She told me she felt "free" and that she could then do what she wanted to do, but it always seemed to me she had a great relationship with the dumpee, but obviously not.

The first 18 months after a break up, people do strange things and can make strange decisions.

I do know that many women check out of relationships for months even years before the actual break up and whilst you may see 2 weeks post break up as being pretty fast for her to move on. I guess, she will have had months to get over the split, before she even mentioned it to you.

[SearchingForMyself]

You are out of the picture and never need to contact her family ever again, what does it matter what they think of you?

 

As for the new guy and the holiday, I don't know if she was seeing him before the break up, had her eye on him before the break up or just met him after the break up and neither does anyone else here.

I know many on here have been cheated on by women in the past and thus see cheating everywhere, but that is no proof that your ex did in fact cheat on you.

Some women cheat, some just don't.

 

Some people find their relationship suffocating and that is why they want to go, and when they actually break up they feel they are "free". Taking a spontaneous vacation with a new guy is something that "free" people can do.

A friend of mine once did this, she genuinely only met the guy after the break up (she was the dumper), I was there when they met, but within a very short time, SHE booked the holiday abroad, threw caution to the wind and off they went.

She told me she felt "free" and that she could then do what she wanted to do, but it always seemed to me she had a great relationship with the dumpee, but obviously not.

The first 18 months after a break up, people do strange things and can make strange decisions.

I do know that many women check out of relationships for months even years before the actual break up and whilst you may see 2 weeks post break up as being pretty fast for her to move on. I guess, she will have had months to get over the split, before she even mentioned it to you.

 

You make a good point, but lets be realistic here.

 

The vast majority of women arent going to just go on a trip with a guy they just met, or be in a relationship with a guy they just met.

 

Women, especially these days, are so picky.

 

Ive seen it happen, Ive seen my friends go through it, and other guys as well. If she had jUST met the guy, why would she go to extreme lengths to not only avoid the guy but demonize him?

 

Theres more to the story than just "oh I just met this guy and were in a relationship now" she had something to hide.

 

Your exception doesnt make the rule, and the rule is that this guy probably got cheated on hard, if that helps him to move on, then fine.

 

But the clues all point to that. Itd be silly just to ignore it. He needs to know this stuff to look out for future red flags, but youre right, regardless of what actually happened, he needs to move on.

[elaine567]

You make a good point, but lets be realistic here.

 

The vast majority of women arent going to just go on a trip with a guy they just met, or be in a relationship with a guy they just met.

 

Women, especially these days, are so picky.

 

 

I am just so concerned that here on LS,no woman it seems can just dump a guy. There has to be huge red flags, she has to be mentally "crazy", if not actually suffering from a Personality Disorder or mental illness, and

she has to be cheating... Why else would she leave?????!!!

 

Break ups are messy, lots of emotion, lots of hurt, lots of anger and lots of grief, I just don't think that the addition of "being cheating on" with no real proof by members on here, really helps the OP get over this very traumatic event in his life.

I don't know if this girl cheated and neither does anyone else here, it is all conjecture.

 

Making the decision to split can be very hard for a dumper, sometimes it is easier for a dumper to concentrate on the bad times, in order to justify their decision.

I guess her family listened to her rantings about the OP for months - about the arguments, about his attitude to her, about her suspicions, about the red flags she saw, about why he did this, about why he didn't do that, about why he didn't care, about why it was never going to work, and the family then probably formed their own conclusions about the OP.

They were always going to take her side, against the man that "ruined" her life.

[Chi townD]

Seriously?!?! What girl is going to go away on a vacation with a complete stranger they've barely known for a month?!?!? Not any sane girl in the 21st century. This guy could be a serial killer, rapist, criminal....take your pick. I mean, apparently we live in a "rape culture".

 

 

To the OP, use common sense on this one. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck...take a scientific wild ass guess what it is.

[elaine567]

Seriously?!?! What girl is going to go away on a vacation with a complete stranger they've barely known for a month?!?!? Not any sane girl in the 21st century. This guy could be a serial killer, rapist, criminal....take your pick. I mean, apparently we live in a "rape culture".

 

 

To the OP, use common sense on this one. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck...take a scientific wild ass guess what it is.

 

I already mentioned that in the first 18 months after a break up people do silly things and make very bad choices, this may be one of them.

Serial killers are very, very, very, very uncommon and most do not usually take their victims on holiday with them, do they?

If he was going to kill/rape her he could do so any night of the week at home, surely?

Will knowing her for 3 days or 300 or 3000 days make any difference anyway if his intention is to rape or kill?

Women get killed and raped by people they know well every day.

In the UK on average, 2 women a week are killed by a current or former male partner.

The OP said she already knew him through mutual friends, so hardly a stranger.

[Chi townD]

The OP said she already knew him through mutual friends, so hardly a stranger.

 

Oh, I'm on board that he was hardly a stranger if she allowed herself to go on vacation with someone she, apparently, occasionally said "Hi" to!

[BC1980]

I'm going to echo what a lot of other posters have said. My first reaction was the she either cheated on you or left you for this new guy, and she needs to demonize you in order to make herself look better. A lot of people demonize their exes to justify leaving or cheating. No, we don't have hard evidence that she cheated, but where there's smoke. . . . I think we can deduce that something here isn't completely above board. Maybe an emotional affair?

 

Either way, cheating or not, she's clearly painting you as some sort of psycho to make herself look better. If you were so bad, why did she stay with you for 4 years. The parents need to stay out of if. If the dad contacts you again, tell him to feel free to call the police because you've done nothing wrong.

[binrob]

So I get that it's very possible that she cheated and is trying to justify it by treating me like crap. But will she realize what she's doing sooner or later and regret it? I'm not asking because I hope to get back together. I don't see me being able to do that ever no matter how much it hurts. I just would like an apology or something.

[elaine567]

So I get that it's very possible that she cheated and is trying to justify it by treating me like crap. But will she realize what she's doing sooner or later and regret it? I'm not asking because I hope to get back together. I don't see me being able to do that ever no matter how much it hurts. I just would like an apology or something.

 

Break ups are often messy, asking for an apology this late on, is never going to happen. By now, she will most probably have justified in her mind why she needed to break up with you, so you are likely to get anger and a list of all the stuff you did wrong, if you ask for an apology.

 

Move on with your own life and try to realise that she was not the woman for you and you are not the man for her. It wasn't meant to be, better now than another 4 years down the line with kids involved.

[binrob]

Break ups are often messy, asking for an apology this late on, is never going to happen. By now, she will most probably have justified in her mind why she needed to break up with you, so you are likely to get anger and a list of all the stuff you did wrong, if you ask for an apology.

 

Move on with your own life and try to realise that she was not the woman for you and you are not the man for her. It wasn't meant to be, better now than another 4 years down the line with kids involved.

 

No I don't want to ASK for an apology. I would never. I don't want to contact her. I'm just wondering if she ever will understand what she's done and maybe regret it and reach out and apologize on her own.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, more than likely, she might make contact with you after the honeymoon phase of this new relationship wears off and they fall into a routine. Then, she may think back on how badly she treated you towards the end of the relationship. A lot of girls hate the fact that there might be someone on this planet that hates them or thinks they're not a nice person. So, she might reach out to see if this is the case.

 

 

This is the most important part. If she does reach out; as much as you want to know why, you need to ignore it. Trust me, she doesn't want to come back, she just wants to know where your head is at. she might be feeling guilty and she may be looking for you to ease that guilt.

[binrob]

Yeah, more than likely, she might make contact with you after the honeymoon phase of this new relationship wears off and they fall into a routine. Then, she may think back on how badly she treated you towards the end of the relationship. A lot of girls hate the fact that there might be someone on this planet that hates them or thinks they're not a nice person. So, she might reach out to see if this is the case.

 

 

This is the most important part. If she does reach out; as much as you want to know why, you need to ignore it. Trust me, she doesn't want to come back, she just wants to know where your head is at. she might be feeling guilty and she may be looking for you to ease that guilt.

 

I could never take her back. No matter how much I loved her and part of me still loves her, I can not look past what she did to me. All I want is an apology from someone who I loved and was my partner and best friend for 4 years. Even though it's over it would mean a great deal to me. I don't know how long the honeymoon phase usually lasts but I hope you are right.

[maivy]

Relationship history rewriting. That's it. It happened to me too.

 

My ex broke up with me six months ago, after 2 years together, 1 living together, and being in long distance for the last 2 months. He broke up with me out of the blue, he said he wanted "to be alone" and he stressed that he was "NOT breaking up with me because he wanted to be with someone else". I genuinely believed in what he said (blinded by love), I trusted him and respected his need, and decided to give him space. He insisted on being friends, something that I refused, and went LC until I came back.

 

I am so naive... When I came back in town a few weeks later, I discovered he was seeing someone else, a new coworker he met a month before breaking up with me. When I saw him for the first time after 3 moths apart, he acted weird... my guts told me something was wrong. When I confronted him he replied that he "found someone... but was not looking." Of course. He was not looking - it just happened! How could not he "see" a coworker in front of him all day every day in the office! He still had the courage to insist on being friends, and I refused again.

 

He never told me anything about what really happened while I was away, all was covered with a sheet of secrecy... Everything I know comes from slowly putting together bits of information I gathered in the following few weeks... a devastating puzzle. All this got me so unprepared! Our relationship was beautiful for most part. I admit we had some issues at the end, the ups and downs that a real life relationship has that very often are due to external factors and stress - nothing that, in my opinion, could not have been solved with a little conversation, understanding and love. Well, he did not give me any clue he wanted to leave. Until the very end he said he missed me, he talked about getting married, starting a family, moving together to a new place upon my return…

 

Well guys, in just a couple of weeks I went from a "sweet love of my life", to "insane," to “thief” (because I asked to go pick up my belongings - that's when I realized he was already living with her in our house!). He unfriended all my relatives and friends from FB and requested his friends and family to unfriend me (most did, but not all. That's how I know).

 

And all of a sudden he felt miserable throughout the *3* years relationship, wanted to break up from the very beginning and did not want to see me anymore. He forgot the positive aspects of out relationship, exaggerated all negative, and even invented stuff and made it real in his head. I am still trying to understands where all this comes from. He rationalized so well and was so convincing in telling all this, that at some point I was really confused! I had to think back of everything that happened in the past two years to make sure I was not dreaming... if I didn't have the text messages he sent me, or the friends/family that saw us together, I would truly believe I am insane. I do not believe in anything he said, if he was so unhappy with the relationship he would have left long before. The truth is, it was convenient.

 

I believe a lot of people are very skilled at reframing events to be able to keep their integrity intact in the eyes of everyone else - friends, family, partners and most important, themselves. They cannot act maturely and take responsibility - too hard... Better to put everything under a different light to feel less guilty... In his mind the affair was probably fair and a natural consequence of whatever he thought was wrong in our relationship. I should tell him "thank you (very sarcastic) for letting me know what bothered you, allowing me and our relationship to grow." What he did is awful. He cheated, no matter if it was a physical affair or an emotional affair. Just because I do not want his friendship, want my stuff back, and expressed disappointment over what he did, he probably felt in danger... I wonder how many (omission) lies he told his new gf and his family to hide what he did!

 

Sadly I feel we have to create our own closure, they will not give us any. Six months passed for me, and I do not thing he will ever come back to apologize. Perhaps they will superficially get in touch if their new relationship fails, just to test the ground and see how we feel about them. Only ego-boost. Will they regret then? Hmm... I do not thinks so. That implies taking action to fix the wrongdoings, which is too hard for most! I believe they think it's easier to bury everything and turn page. Anyway, whatever apology we could get from them... would it be enough? I am still very hurt and cry often. I can't believe someone can be so selfish, superficial and childish to hurt someone they said they loved once.

Edited March 9, 2015 by maivy

[elaine567]

No I don't want to ASK for an apology. I would never. I don't want to contact her. I'm just wondering if she ever will understand what she's done and maybe regret it and reach out and apologize on her own.

 

She is not going to apologise to you in the near future if she continues to date the guy she is dating, nor if she carries on in her life without you.

She may do years down the line if she feels she has actually wronged you, she may do if she wants to get back with you, she may do if she wants to be friends with you, but otherwise why should she apologise.

She ended a relationship that for her wasn't working, that may be hard on you but why should she say she regrets it, if she doesn't?

I would guess if we were to ask her for her feelings right now, she may feel you need to do the apologising.

[Chi townD]

I could never take her back. No matter how much I loved her and part of me still loves her, I can not look past what she did to me. All I want is an apology from someone who I loved and was my partner and best friend for 4 years. Even though it's over it would mean a great deal to me. I don't know how long the honeymoon phase usually lasts but I hope you are right.

 

 

 

I hope I'm NOT! The way that reads tells me the first time she tries to make contact with you, you will be all over that. I'm telling you to ignore it. Nothing good will come from it especially if you're harboring any feelings for her.

 

 

Just write her off and move on with your life.

[binrob]

She is not going to apologise to you in the near future if she continues to date the guy she is dating, nor if she carries on in her life without you.

She may do years down the line if she feels she has actually wronged you, she may do if she wants to get back with you, she may do if she wants to be friends with you, but otherwise why should she apologise.

She ended a relationship that for her wasn't working, that may be hard on you but why should she say she regrets it, if she doesn't?

I would guess if we were to ask her for her feelings right now, she may feel you need to do the apologising.

 

I'm not saying she should apologize and regret that she left me. I'm saying that I hope she apologizes for the way she treated me when she broke up, how she is treating me after the break up as well. If she felt that the relationship wasn't working and she wanted to move on, then fine. I understand. But what I can't understand is the way she went about it. Treating me like crap and not giving a single reason for any of this and then moving on within weeks and pretending I was some monster. That is what I hope to get an apology for.

 

 

 

I hope I'm NOT! The way that reads tells me the first time she tries to make contact with you, you will be all over that. I'm telling you to ignore it. Nothing good will come from it especially if you're harboring any feelings for her.

 

 

Just write her off and move on with your life.

 

 

As I said, I can not see me getting back together with her. No matter how much it hurts. What she has done is just too much. I just hope that a person that I loved and was my best friend for 4 years admits how she treated and is treating me was and is wrong and apologizes. An apology maybe doesn't mean much to some people but it would make a difference to me.