My boyfriend walked another girl home and they kissed

[blackbird14]

So, I'm writing this in devastation as I don't know what to do or how to cope with my current situation. Please don't judge.

 

My boyfriend (23) of one year and I (24) recently got into an argument Friday night in a club over myself being jealous (which is something that happens once in a while). Another girl, who he sort of knows, came over to my boyfriend she was wasted. She had something to tell my bf so she went over to him and he was holding her by the waist for a pretty long time and she was caressing his shoulder and waist. I was standing there (as well as his and my friends) watching this beside him. I got so upset because I didn't understand why he couldn't have kept some distance in respect to me standing there. We got into a pretty big argument and we didn't speak for the rest of the night, he asked me for my key (we live together) so i gave it to him.

 

I ended up getting extremely drunk, went to one of my girlfriend's house and tried to sleep, and couldn't. I called my boyfriend, but he didn't answer for about an hour. He eventually came over to my friend's place and we talked however in my drunkenness i was still so angry, so he left. I ended up going back home after he left as fast as i could. The next day i had a miserable hangover. we didn't talk much, he was lying beside me in bed the next day after getting off the couch and was trying to comfort me.

 

The following day i asked him if something happened, he told me no but i felt like there was something more i could feel it on him. After asking him a couple times he finally admitted to me that he walked another girl home, who he had never spoken to, she knows a few of our friends (I have never spoken to this girl either except on that friday night where this incident happened and she was acting like a nice person, even asking to borrow my lipstick, which i let her use) He decided to walk her home that night because he told me he wanted me to be jealous. He told me he had no intention of anything ever happening. He walked her the 100m to her house and apparently kept telling her that he had to leave, he also told me he was extremely drunk. She kept insisting that he walked with her so he continued to walk with her home, he entered her building+flat, she even spoke about me how she really "likes me" and "your gf is so cool". As he was about to leave, she started making out with him.. he told me he pushed her away after a while. But just the fact that he let her do something like this really hurts. This girl made out with a couple other guys the same night, so my bf told me that he spoke with her about that she shouldn't do such things, she apparently started crying and he eventually left.

 

He apologized multiple times for this, he even cried and he hasn't cried for 10 years. I have always had a problem with cheating bc i have been cheated on before. I am not the type of person who accepts these types of things due to past experiences and have told him this from the beginning of our relationship and so has he.

 

I don't know if I'm supposed to trust that nothing else happened, he was in her flat after all? He could have never walked her home. He didn't answer his phone for an hour while he said he was at home after this incident happened. I don't know whether i should forgive something like this? I would never even dream of doing such a thing, maybe I'm too closed minded but this isn't something that is okay for me.

 

Sorry for the super long post

Edited March 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[LivinDeadGrl]

If it were me I wouldn't accept the behavior. Drunkeness isn't an excuse. He shouldn't have been walking her home to begin with. I think the fact he told you about it maybe shows that he is being sincere, and probably is sorry... Unfortunately now the trust is probably broken, and this will always be in the back of your mind. Do you want to live like that?

[d0nnivain]

Nobody was blameless in this situation. I would be furious that he walked her home & not you. My husband did the same thing to me once & I was ready to call a divorce lawyer.

 

I did forgive my husband but he did not kiss the other woman.

 

If she kissed him & he immediately pushed her away I would feel better about this situation & tell you to give him another chance, but cut down on the booze.

 

Here, only you know if you can forgive & forget. I'd be inclined to try, assuming everything else in your relationship was good but this was his one mistake, no 2nd chances after this. It was a kiss. They didn't have sex. He told you. He apologized. One mistake is forgivable in my book but not multiple transgressions. If you can get her to confirm she was the instigator that is another point in his favor.

[ApexTitanium]

The whole "I was drunk" isn't an excuse.

Ive been completely wasted and still known not to grab my car keys and go out for a drive. This guy knew he had a girlfriend and still chose to walk this girl home. He pushed her off after a "while" yeah I don't think so....he should have pushed her off or turned away as soon as she closed in.

[dreamingoftigers]

Every person I have ever known that said "we just kissed" did a helluva lot more than that.

 

 

And the whole thing just reeks.

 

 

To be honest, I am willing to bet that this is one of those guys you get jealous with because you KNOW that there's an issue.

 

 

And cut back on the booze, seriously. Not a good choice. If you live together, why is he asking for your key? He should be taking you home, not kicking you out and "making out" with someone else to "make you jealous" which you already were.

 

 

The only man I ever had jealousy "issues" with (I use this term very lightly, I mean that I felt jealous, not that we got in drunken fights about it) was my husband. And guess what? Total cheater. Total total cheater.

[No Limit]

He's a child still. Red flag. Get out of this 'relationship'.

[blackbird14]

Nobody was blameless in this situation. I would be furious that he walked her home & not you. My husband did the same thing to me once & I was ready to call a divorce lawyer.

 

I did forgive my husband but he did not kiss the other woman.

 

If she kissed him & he immediately pushed her away I would feel better about this situation & tell you to give him another chance, but cut down on the booze.

 

Here, only you know if you can forgive & forget. I'd be inclined to try, assuming everything else in your relationship was good but this was his one mistake, no 2nd chances after this. It was a kiss. They didn't have sex. He told you. He apologized. One mistake is forgivable in my book but not multiple transgressions. If you can get her to confirm she was the instigator that is another point in his favor.

 

Thanks for your help and everyone else's help, I'm really so lost. I don't know if he pushed her away immediately or not, but he said the moment he realized what was going on he pushed her. He also told me that he was very mad with her and told her that it's not ok, yet I don't know how it's merely her fault if he was even in her apartment. He was very angry with me when we were out that I caused a scene and got mad at him, he blames a lot of what happened on this bc it isn't the first time I have said something and this apparently "bothers" him so much and he's warned me that something bad could happen if this happened again. However, everything I have gotten mad at has been, at least for myself, a legitimate reason to say something over. So I don't really know. And what happened earlier in the night with the other girl is also something that is not ok for me. I love him, aside from this he is a great guy, at least that is always what I thought. I am afraid of getting hurt but I am also afraid of losing him if what he is saying is actually an honest and trustworthy apology.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for your help and everyone else's help, I'm really so lost. I don't know if he pushed her away immediately or not, but he said the moment he realized what was going on he pushed her. He also told me that he was very mad with her and told her that it's not ok, yet I don't know how it's merely her fault if he was even in her apartment. He was very angry with me when we were out that I caused a scene and got mad at him, he blames a lot of what happened on this bc it isn't the first time I have said something and this apparently "bothers" him so much and he's warned me that something bad could happen if this happened again. However, everything I have gotten mad at has been, at least for myself, a legitimate reason to say something over. So I don't really know. And what happened earlier in the night with the other girl is also something that is not ok for me. I love him, aside from this he is a great guy, at least that is always what I thought. I am afraid of getting hurt but I am also afraid of losing him if what he is saying is actually an honest and trustworthy apology.

 

Honest apologies don't come coupled with threats of "something bad happening next time" you say something to him.

 

 

A key component to a happy LTR is whether or not someone AMPS UP or calms down a conflict. This guy competes and amps it up, he involves others and asks for his key back. Not good.

 

 

"Other than the abusive qualities and the explosive conflicts I love him."

 

 

Guess what? Every woman says that they love their man except for those qualities that don't appeal to them.

 

 

"I love him except for _________"

 

 

What you place in that blank spot pretty much determines the strength, fate and quality of your relationship.

 

 

Guess what? Aside from the "cheating, alcoholic, irresponsible, abusive, self-victimizing, porn-addicted, stealing my medication, blaming, depression, overspending and stealing money from the family before vanishing for days" my husband brings to our relationship, I love him.....

 

 

Guess what kind of relationship I have had the last six years?

It has been dominated by the items that fill that blank.

 

 

Find a guy you love "except for the fact that he likes this dumb band I hate" or "he's a little quieter than my ideal."

 

 

Makes for a much better relationship than "tries to get back at me by making me jealous after I state that I am jealous and was kissing another girl but he might've been too drunk to know what was going on at first even though he walked her home to get me jealous in the first place after taking away my key."

 

 

Reread that a few times.

[SearchingForMyself]

this dude is trickle truthing you.

 

He made out with her, and he didnt just push her off.

 

and Im willing to bet that there was a lot more involved.

 

Now dont get me wrong...

 

he MIGHT be telling the truth, but he already crossed relationship boundaries.

 

cheating is still cheating. drop him if you have any sense of self-worth.

[mightycpa]

even asking to borrow my lipstick, which i let her use

ewwww!

 

OK, now, to the main point of the post.

 

As he was about to leave, she started making out with him.. he told me he pushed her away after a while.

 

This wasn't just a kiss as you describe it. It was a tongue-lashing. You can either forgive him, or you can't. You've known him for 10 years, so that's a lot to throw away over a single makeout session with a drunk chick, but if you stick around, clearly, you have some communication and jealousy issues to work out.

 

This might just be the first volley in your breakup. Hard to say, depends a lot on how you handle it from here.

[Jenmarie]

Making out? He stopped her "after awhile?" Why are you still with him? He obviously does not respect you as much as you respect him. Do you really have to think about this one?

[redglass]

So, he started off by talking to the girl who had "something to tell him", staring at her intently and holding her waist for a "long time" - right in front of you?

 

Then he graduated to making out with a random girl on the street??

 

This guy was cruising for trouble! I wouldn't believe a word of it. In certain, unique scenarios, I believe cheating is forgivable. But your boyfriend is sloppy and he doesn't respect you. Wanted to make you jealous? Sorry OP, but he's a little boy and this could easily happen again. Tell him to jog on.

[TigerCub]

What a turd!

 

He :

a) walks her home with intention of making you jealous (he even admitted that)

 

b) makes out with that girl and stops after a while ('when he finally realized what was going on') - yeah like that is hard to figure out!

 

c) cries a bit and says he's sorry

 

d) **The best one yet!!** warns you how when you get jealous and 'act out' - something worse is gonna happen

 

so, moral of the story is - if you decide to stay with him - you better learn to keep your mouth shut when he disrespects you and flirts with other girls, because girl, if you speak out, or get mad, or 'cause a scene' - well he's gonna do a whole of a hell more than just make out with them, and it's gonna be your fault, because you have been warned!!

 

really?...why the **** would you even consider forgiving this douche?!

 

I completely understand that breakups hurt - but this guy is telling you that you better know your place and what he'll do if you overstep.

 

He't not worth the tears or the sadness.

He's a douche!

[blackbird14]

Nobody was blameless in this situation. I would be furious that he walked her home & not you. My husband did the same thing to me once & I was ready to call a divorce lawyer.

 

I did forgive my husband but he did not kiss the other woman.

 

If she kissed him & he immediately pushed her away I would feel better about this situation & tell you to give him another chance, but cut down on the booze.

 

Here, only you know if you can forgive & forget. I'd be inclined to try, assuming everything else in your relationship was good but this was his one mistake, no 2nd chances after this. It was a kiss. They didn't have sex. He told you. He apologized. One mistake is forgivable in my book but not multiple transgressions. If you can get her to confirm she was the instigator that is another point in his favor.

 

What a turd!

 

He :

a) walks her home with intention of making you jealous (he even admitted that)

 

b) makes out with that girl and stops after a while ('when he finally realized what was going on') - yeah like that is hard to figure out!

 

c) cries a bit and says he's sorry

 

d) **The best one yet!!** warns you how when you get jealous and 'act out' - something worse is gonna happen

 

so, moral of the story is - if you decide to stay with him - you better learn to keep your mouth shut when he disrespects you and flirts with other girls, because girl, if you speak out, or get mad, or 'cause a scene' - well he's gonna do a whole of a hell more than just make out with them, and it's gonna be your fault, because you have been warned!!

 

really?...why the **** would you even consider forgiving this douche?!

 

I completely understand that breakups hurt - but this guy is telling you that you better know your place and what he'll do if you overstep.

 

He't not worth the tears or the sadness.

He's a douche!

 

 

I am aware that there are some red flags here, but he has repeatedly told me that he is sorry and that he is so stupid and that he will do anything to make this go away. He feels like it was just a nightmare. He's told me many times he will never do anything like this ever again, stop drinking as much, he didn't really do anything with the first girl. And i know he hasn't ever done anything similar to this before. I don't know whether I'm naive to forgive him. Someone said ive known him for ten years and that's not true I've known him 1.5 years. Also, he didn't warn me about this that it could happen again, he told me that it happened bc he was so mad and he's tired of these types of arguments but he does not know why he went inside her flat. He said she was basically dragging him inside yet he knew her for 5min before that. I asked this other girl if it was only a kiss and she told me yes and I actually believe her bc she seemed truly apologetic.

[mightycpa]

He apologized multiple times for this, he even cried and he hasn't cried for 10 years.

 

I misunderstood you.

 

Only you know whether or not you can forgive him for this, but throwing away 1.5 years over some drunk making out is not unheard of. And of course, people will point out that HE would have been the one to throw away those years.

 

It's up to you to decide. There's no real right or wrong here. There's only what you can live with.

[TigerCub]

I am aware that there are some red flags here, but he has repeatedly told me that he is sorry and that he is so stupid and that he will do anything to make this go away. He feels like it was just a nightmare. He's told me many times he will never do anything like this ever again, stop drinking as much, he didn't really do anything with the first girl. And i know he hasn't ever done anything similar to this before. I don't know whether I'm naive to forgive him. Someone said ive known him for ten years and that's not true I've known him 1.5 years. Also, he didn't warn me about this that it could happen again, he told me that it happened bc he was so mad and he's tired of these types of arguments but he does not know why he went inside her flat. He said she was basically dragging him inside yet he knew her for 5min before that. I asked this other girl if it was only a kiss and she told me yes and I actually believe her bc she seemed truly apologetic.

 

So yeah he is blaming it on you - and pretty much trying to teach you that if you cause these kinds of arguments again - he will react the way he did.

 

oh poor baby - he was 'dragged' into her apartment.

 

Look, you want to believe the tears the 'I'm sorry' stuff, and you feel conflicted on what to do next - I get that.

 

But next time he flirts and does anything to upset you - how are you going to react from now on?

Are you just going to grin and tough it out, or are you going to speak your mind? And if you speak your mind how sure are you that he isn't going to lash out by making out with some other girl?

 

Oh and one more thing - you said that you told him from the start of the relationship that you will not tolerate cheating - what message are you sending if you stay with him now?

 

Just some things to think about..

 

I really do hope that whatever you choose ends up being the best thing for you.

[1040]

He has disrespected the hell out of you, to your face in the bar and then with this. If somehow I were in this situation and honestly had to get a drunk acquaintance home, I'd call my wife in advance and tell her exactly what was happening. Enormous red flag.

 

No man is unwillingly "dragged" into an apartment by some semi-drunk girl. Impossible. A flick of his arm and she'd be 6 feet away.

 

Let us know how it works out.

[1040]

Sorry, duplicate.

[d0nnivain]

Tiger Cub made the point I was going to highlight. There was intent behind your BF's actions. This wasn't a drunken mistake. He went to her apartment on purpose expecting something like this would happen. That level of mean spiritedness is unforgivable.

[blackbird14]

Tiger Cub made the point I was going to highlight. There was intent behind your BF's actions. This wasn't a drunken mistake. He went to her apartment on purpose expecting something like this would happen. That level of mean spiritedness is unforgivable.

 

He continues to tell me that he went with her with no intention of anything happening. He says he didn't want anything from her and that he was just going to walk and go home, we live about 100m from her. He then said that he was so drunk and she kept saying just walk a bit more so he did. I asked him how it's even possible that you were in her flat if you didn't want to be in the first place. And all he can say is I don't know, that he was really angry that these fights keep happening, that he's really sorry and that the moment he realized what was happening he pushed her off and told her it's not ok and left. This is the first time he's come close to doing something like this, I'm so disappointed.

Many people are saying that he's a jerk and whatnot, but I believe that in our relationship I have been a little paranoid when it comes to his actions which have always been "innocent", has never touched anyone. I believe that he was tired of these things happening even if what he did that night earlier in the club was not ok for me. I really don't know what to do, I feel like I'm thinking about this way to much and that perhaps I should just wait and see what happens. I feel like throwing away our relationship would be a pity but I look at him so differently now and I don't know if that's ever going to change

[No Limit]

All those excuses are called "gaslighting" in forum language. Trying to make things seem less serious than what they really are. Kind of like your house burns down and he will start saying "Well at least we aren't cold and won't have to worry about heating prices anymore".

And no, the mistrust will be there until you finally end it considering how he acts.

[blackbird14]

All those excuses are called "gaslighting" in forum language. Trying to make things seem less serious than what they really are. Kind of like your house burns down and he will start saying "Well at least we aren't cold and won't have to worry about heating prices anymore".

And no, the mistrust will be there until you finally end it considering how he acts.

 

I know what you mean, but if he's been an honest guy and hasn't done anything similar before then maybe he is telling the truth? I know that he went there to walk her home, and i know that sometime during that walk he must have decided that he probably wanted something more, but is this something i am supposed to not forgive? I know he didn't sleep with her, and I know that he surely pushed her away, even if the kiss was longer than a peck. He keeps telling me how upset he was and how he is tired of these problems, he even told me that night that its over. But the next day I guess he regretted what he said? Continued to apologize, said he would do anything for me whatever it is i asked (of course i said theres nothing for you to do), said he would stop drinking as much, never speak to this person again, etc

[No Limit]

I know what you mean, but if he's been an honest guy and hasn't done anything similar before then maybe he is telling the truth? I know that he went there to walk her home, and i know that sometime during that walk he must have decided that he probably wanted something more, but is this something i am supposed to not forgive? I know he didn't sleep with her, and I know that he surely pushed her away, even if the kiss was longer than a peck. He keeps telling me how upset he was and how he is tired of these problems, he even told me that night that its over. But the next day I guess he regretted what he said? Continued to apologize, said he would do anything for me whatever it is i asked (of course i said theres nothing for you to do), said he would stop drinking as much, never speak to this person again, etc

 

Has he been honest, or just better at hiding? Also, people change.

If you don't want to end it there's no way around biting the bullet, you'll have to wait and see what his actions are. If you see him piss poor drunk and talking to other girls again you know what you should do, but at this point it's anyone's guess. We can't read minds and even if we could we can't gauge how sincere he is.

Forgiveness is earned, not given freely. Look at how wayward husbands/wives have to basically kiss the ground of their partner for forgiveness for a long, long time (reconciliation and at least basic trust returning takes 2 - 5 years). That's why it's usually recommended to break up when it's just a boyfriend/girlfriend, and find a better partner.

[SearchingForMyself]

whats the point in trying to convince her?

 

You obviously have such low self worth you clearly dont understand that despite the fact that he may be telling the truth, he already crossed so many relationship boundaries you should have kicked him out the minute he took another woman to his apartment without you accompanying him or letting you know.

 

Youre going to stay with him, from the sound of it, but eventually, youll come to realize that you dont deserve to be treated like an afterthought.

 

Stop thinking you dont have options. Youre a woman, you have plenty of options, and none of them have to be to stick around in a disrespectful situation out of a fear of loneliness.

[FancyFace]

Girl, the fact that you are on this forum, asking questions like this, clearly indicates that you know that what is did was not right in any way shape or form. What he did was foul in every sense of the word and it is a precursor of worse things to come. If you stay with him (which by the looks of it, it seems so), just brace yourself for a torturous experience where you will be walking on eggshells, trying your best not to upset him (least he do the same thing again), being paranoid about all his interactions with members of the opposite sex (as you should be), and just being downright miserable.

 

You deserve better and you know that. This guy is an absolute douche and the longer you stay with him, the worse the impact will be when the bottom falls out (and trust and believe that it will, its a matter of when, not if) and the longer it will take you to recover from this.

 

You should get out now whilst you have some shred of dignity and sanity left.