lawstudent Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 (edited) Long Story short, Dated my ex-girlfriend for about a year and a half. We fell in love, she's 21, i'm 23. I'm currently in law school in nyc, and she's still in undergrad close by. She's the love of my life. But we have different religions, she is orthodox jewish, and i'm not. We had to hide our relationship from her uncle, grandmother, and other family members. Her mother and siblings knew about us tho. We broke up about 7 weeks ago due to her family, and the whole religion aspect. I told her numerous times that I would convert for her, but still that isn't enough for her family, and they will disown her if we would ever get married. It's a very sad situation, and it breaks my heart everyday. During our relationship we had casual breakups such as for 2 or 4 days because of her family, but we got back together always within a week. I know this girl loves me, when we broke up she told me she would leave her family in a year or 2 years and be with me. Now we are at the point tho that she will not even respond to my texts or calls, nothing. Her mom texts me daily, but she will not answer me at all. Every time we broke up in the past she said she needed space and time, I have been giving her that. Still she acts right now, like i don't even exist? it kills me inside, that she won't even speak to me or anything. We spent Valentines day together 2 weeks ago, only because i showed up at her house, in which we spent the day together, she was very cold towards me, but overall we had a good day, until when i was about to leave she said she never wanted to see me again, and talk to me. Since that I haven't spoke with her, i reached out to her, but she never responded to me. I know her family situation is very tough, knowing that she will be disowned is not easy, I feel like i have no control of the situation, im in the process of converting, in hope she realizes that I'm willing to do anything for her. Why is she not responding to me or talking to me at all? I was an amazing boyfriend to her, and always treated her with love. She said she always felt like she had no choice, she cried so many times to me about the situation and her family. I promised her i would never give up on her. Someone help me please.... Edited March 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator pa Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I think you need to understand where this comes from: Deut. 7:3: "You shall not marry them (the gentiles, about which the Bible speaks in the previous verses), you shall not give your daughter to their son and you shall not take his daughter for your son." The reason for this prohibition is clearly spelled out in the following verse: "Because he will lead your son astray from Me and they will serve strange gods…" "Strange gods" can also be interpreted to mean those ideals and ‘isms’ that do not conform to the dictates of the Torah, and before which one bows his head and dedicates his heart and soul. Long story short, your gentile upbringing will basically dilute the purity of the religion that they've gone to great lengths to preserve. This means that you put their daughter at risk, as well as their grandchildren. I don't know if this is a gap that you can actually bridge. You should probably talk to a Rabbi about it, with the discussion centering around their Biblical basis for these objections, and your ability to become authentically Orthodox. Then, and only then, can you have a meaningful discussion with her and later her family, assuming you get that far, and you may wish to bring a Rabbi along to mediate the discussion. I think you really have to ask yourself if this conversion is really worth it. It's one thing to love the girl, but you need to love the life. That is probably their objection; that would be hard for anybody to do, and your motives for embracing the religion are suspect. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Her religion is not one where people break away or refuse to follow the family's wishes. If you are in NYC you must have a friend or two who is Jewish even if not practicing orthodox who can explain to you why you must let her go. Short of converting this will never work. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawstudent Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 I'm more then willing to convert. I have spoken with a Rabbi last week about my situation. The thing i can't seem to understand is why she will not speak to me at all and has been ignoring me?? Should i show up at her house this weekend or the next? She told me she is not interested in me anymore, which is a lie, she is just trying to please her family, and not listen to her heart. Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I'm more then willing to convert. I have spoken with a Rabbi last week about my situation. The thing i can't seem to understand is why she will not speak to me at all and has been ignoring me?? Should i show up at her house this weekend or the next? She told me she is not interested in me anymore, which is a lie, she is just trying to please her family, and not listen to her heart. no, if she is saying this, believe her. because her family ties are so strong that she has convinced herself, for her family, that her best interests do not lie with you. It wouldn't matter what you were willing to do - this is a no-go situation. And I think you also need to realise just what conversion means. It doesn't just mean, becoming Jewish. It means circumcision, adhereing to all the rites, rituals, rules, religious regulations and obligations demanded of you as a Jew. For ever. Seriously and with devoted dedication. I take it you do believe in God, and are a practising Christian already anyway, right...? Because if you don't, and you're not, then how on earth do you intend to carry this conversion off (even if you went through with it, that is)? She is very young, younger than you, and probably realises it would be much easier and simpler to find, date and eventually marry a member of her own faith. I'm sorry, but you need to let this go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawstudent Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 (edited) @^ I understand my chances are slim to none, but i promised her i would never give up on her and always fight for her. She has considered leaving her family for me , we have spoken of this numerous times. Her family will eventually come around I think. I know the conversion part, and I'm willing to go through with it 100%. I know everyone wants me to let it go, but i can't because I know deep in my heart she is not happy, and feels like she has no choice. She even told my mother, that we may get back together, but she wants me to think there is no chance for that, so ill move on. Edited March 3, 2015 by lawstudent Link to post Share on other sites
geronimo Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Bro, let it go trust me, I'm telling you from experience. My ex gf of 5 years broke up with me for the same reason, religion/family. Funny thing is she's not even religious herself and told me the same things as your ex did about her fighting with her family and everything. In the end she left me saying she can't disappoint her family even though I know her family would eventually come around and accept me, they already really liked me as a person only thing was I was a different religion than them. I even told her I would convert in the end as a last hope to make her stay and I was serious about it. Trust me when a girl tells you its over and she is done, believe her cuz you're only going to hurt yourself. I'm not 100% sure to this day if the reason my ex broke up with me was truly because of religion/family, it has only been 3 months since we broke up and she is already dating another guy. This guy is the same religion as her so idk but either way its wrong for her to jump out of a 5 year relationship and go onto something else this fast. Anyways I don't want to go on about my story, but just know if your ex really wanted to make it work she would have like a lot of other couples who want to make it work do. Truth is she no longer wants to, could be due to multiple reasons, maybe she's interested in someone else, maybe her family really did get to her, etc etc. None of it matters, all that matters is she left you and it doesn't look like she's coming back. I know its hard to let that sink in, it took me a really long time, I know you want to fight for her and everything but trust me its a losing battle. Do yourself a favour and move on, NC and heal. If its meant to be it will, she will come back herself but you got to let go and move on man. Trust me its hard, I still have little hope that maybe she'll come back but the truth is she may never come back and maybe it wasn't meant to be, I know you think she's the love of your life and everything but if she is then she'll come back, otherwise you'll find someone better who will be more compatible and you won't have to deal with all the bs family/religion problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawstudent Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 I must say great responses from everyone. I greatly appreciate it. But my situation is different, her mother loves me, and her siblings do too. The main question here is why is she not communicating with me at all? Why is she ignoring me? This is not normal behavior at all. Link to post Share on other sites
geronimo Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Trust me bro, everyone thinks their situation is different, its really not, maybe variations but it comes down to the same ****. My ex's mom loved me too, she loved having me over, she loved the way I inspired her daughter, she loved spending time with me over any other of children's boyfriends. Her siblings also loved me, her older sister was my best friend (same age, ex was younger) and even her younger sister and I got along even though she was very to her self type of person. All of it doesn't matter, her friends, her family everyone can love you but if your ex loses feelings or doesn't want it anymore there is NOTHING you can do believe me, I'm saving you a world of pain by telling you this from experience. If its meant to be it will be, leave it alone, if you were a great boyfriend then its her loss - atleast thats the way I look at it. Eventually she will realize what she lost and she'll come back. Thats why I'm saying NC is the best way to go, you don't know for sure if she's going to come back or not, no point crying over spilled milk. You got to let it sink in that your RS is over and she is no longer your gf, you have to respect her wishes and choices. If you don't it'll just make you seem very desperate and needy and trust me no girl wants that. I know its really hard, I still think about my ex to this day, its been 3 months since I last spoke to her and never once did I think I was gonna lose her. I still do think what her and I had was something special and if it truly is meant to be she'll find her way back. But in life nothing is certain so you got to move on for your own sake, if she comes back great, if not you'll find someone else probably someone better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawstudent Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 @geronimo I agree man, in time she will realize. Time apart is a good thing sometimes. I agree with you that NC is the only real option I have. I barely contact her anymore, usually just once a week or so. It's a tough situation, and I know you can relate to it. Just sucks man. Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Quit contacting her. It's not going to achieve anything and is a thankless task. It's over. Move on, and forget it. Easier said than done, I know, but Law should be a sufficiently engrossing subject for you to focus on (H has 1st Class Honours) and has plenty to occupy your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawstudent Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 I have an update. So after 3 months of no contact at all. She reached out to me. She texted on Saturday - saying "I'm sure you know by now I'm in Italy, I love it here, it's amazing and the food is out of this world. I pick the best restaurants and literally go out to eat 3 times a day, they remind me of the places you used to take me to. Def gonna miss the food when I get back home but I'm just gonna start looking for good Italian places in jersey lol anyway, just wanted to apologize for leaving off on a bad note. Hope all is well, ciao" Can someone tell me there opinion on this? I still have feelings for her, does this mean she misses me? Link to post Share on other sites
DexterLS Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I have an update. So after 3 months of no contact at all. She reached out to me. She texted on Saturday - saying "I'm sure you know by now I'm in Italy, I love it here, it's amazing and the food is out of this world. I pick the best restaurants and literally go out to eat 3 times a day, they remind me of the places you used to take me to. Def gonna miss the food when I get back home but I'm just gonna start looking for good Italian places in jersey lol anyway, just wanted to apologize for leaving off on a bad note. Hope all is well, ciao" Can someone tell me there opinion on this? I still have feelings for her, does this mean she misses me? Whatever it means, does not matter. She dumped you and she is in another country. She doesn't miss you and by the looks of it, she is trying to rub it in. Just my POV. What do you want to happen here? Stick with NC and move on. You will meet other people. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
pidgeon1010 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I have an update. So after 3 months of no contact at all. She reached out to me. She texted on Saturday - saying "I'm sure you know by now I'm in Italy, I love it here, it's amazing and the food is out of this world. I pick the best restaurants and literally go out to eat 3 times a day, they remind me of the places you used to take me to. Def gonna miss the food when I get back home but I'm just gonna start looking for good Italian places in jersey lol anyway, just wanted to apologize for leaving off on a bad note. Hope all is well, ciao" Can someone tell me there opinion on this? I still have feelings for her, does this mean she misses me? She hasn't said anything meaningful that warrants breaking NC and responding.Unless she says she misses you and wants to talk and work things out, everything else is just noise. Stick with NC. Link to post Share on other sites
ZiggyZoo Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) Yeah, breadcrumbs. You've already got three months of healing under your belt, don't throw it all away by responding. Why was she able to text you, anyway? Go true NC and wait for her to make a real, true effort (if she does) to reconnect. It doesn't mean she misses you, it means she thought about you and acted on a whim to contact you. The golden rule is:if they want to be with you, they would be. Edited June 9, 2015 by ZiggyZoo Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawstudent Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Update: So after briefly texting for a while. We just went on a date, it was very fun and exciting. I felt nervous, as I haven't seen in her 5 months. She looked amazing as always. We talked about things, and the relationship. She asked me if I was seeing anybody, I said "no" and she said the same. She said she wants to take me out to dinner next week, and I told her to let me take her out on my boat, and such. She agreed, she kept saying "as friends". I feel like my best move is to just go with it, and see what happens. Us going on a date is progress? I still love her, and want to be with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Gus Grimly Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 She said she wants to take me out to dinner next week, and I told her to let me take her out on my boat, and such. She agreed, she kept saying "as friends". I wouldn't get my hopes up. Sounds like she's moved on but wants to remain friends. She could be playing hard to get, but considering you've already been a couple and all the problems that went with it, I don't think so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawstudent Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 I know she is torn between me and her family. That's why she has to say this to me, to please her family. i'm just going to lay low, and take her up on that second date, and see where things go. Keep my expectations low also, is crucial. Link to post Share on other sites
yxalitis Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Her text sounds exactly like the "How to text your ex back" guide suggests the first text should be... Don't suggest you want to get back, this is a light hearted text that sets the stage, it mentions a reference to some past event they had together so OP remembers good times, and sets his mind to thinking about her in a positive light. And I do mean EXACTLY like that. She's away from the family pressures now...so I guess she feels like trying again... Up to you how to respond... Link to post Share on other sites
Seeker12 Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Honestly, my break up was through familial issues so lawstudent i can relate to you exactly. Now usually id say run, as its not worth the hassle, heartaches and possible repercussions which will occur later, but im going to go against any bias i may have due to how my past relationship finished. Here is my advice: 1) Keep in mind, this girl may have moved on already, her heart aswell. What does this mean? When she says friends, she means friends, you would have been the one for her at the time, but because of the issues it just didnt happen, past tense, this doesnt mean she wont try with someone else, and that her feelings for you are still there. 2) Now here is my proper advice, go out, chill with her, act natural, be you, BUT DONT get your hopes up and act like you guys are back in a relationship. 3) Dont prolong it, you clearly still have feelings for her, and you are unsure if she does for you. After 3/4 dates, you need to be serious and ask her, is there a future for us? dont leave yourself guessing for months. You WILL need the time to recover and heal if its a no, so the sooner you get your answer the better. 4) If she wants to give it a shot, dont get all fairytale like and fight for it, this isnt Shrek, this is real life, when you poke it, it bites back. Plan things maturely, discuss how you will tackle various arguments, how you will go about it, be ready for crazy opposition from family and fights, alot of crying, despairing, but give it your all 100%, dont step away when things get tough, your either in for the ride, or you maturely dont get on the ride in the first place. 5) If its a no, say thank you, say everything you need to say and walk away. I hope it works out for you man, as mentioned before if its meant to be, it will be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawstudent Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 @seeker12 Great Advice, thank you so much. Let me just say that first. I know she might of moved on, but she looked to get emotional when she had to leave, which was a sign the feelings are still there. I will see how a couple hangout sessions go, and from there see. I will eventually have to ask her if there is a future for us, and how we would handle everything maturely. I did just get my own apartment in nyc. Question, how regular should i be texting her and stuff? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawstudent Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 anybody else's opinion would greatly be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
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