How do I deal with the hope?

[wantnotshould]

Hey guys. Had to close my other account because I used an identifiable name.

 

We broke up about a month and a half ago. She kept contacting me throughout, and I kept responding like an idiot. It has now been 4 days of full NC.

 

I was seeing things clearly, and now I'm back to wanting to get her back. I guess last time I contacted her I thought she'd be missing me. Damn hope. It kills us.

 

It's the first break up where I was actually involve with a person. It has been an emotional roller coaster. I keep trying to work on me, concentrate on me. But then I get back to being obsessive and wanting her back.

 

I keep looking into programs on how to get your ex back. I know how stupid it is. She needs to want me back. There is nothing I can do to change that. I guess I just really miss her and miss our relationship before it went a bit sour.

 

I thought what we had was good. I guess to her it wasn't.

 

I'm truly heartbroken. I don't know how I'll get over this one. I know time heals all wounds. But I just want her to show me that I meant something to her too. That our relationship wasn't a lie. I feel like I'm the only one grieving it.

 

Why is it so hard?

 

People tell me she says "I love her, but we are not compatible." I got depressed. She feels like because she couldn't get me out of the depression, that she and I weren't meant to be. The truth is, I was the only one who would have been able to get me out. And I'm trying so hard right now. I just wish I would have tried sooner.

 

I guess I just want to vent.

 

How do I let go of this hope that keeps coming back? It keeps telling me that my situation is different. That she'll come back. That she loves me. That we'll go back to being the perfect gay couple that everyone envied. I want to stop crying. I want to move on so bad.

[Stercrazy]

Yeah I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you". It's really a cop out statement like " its not you its me", "timing is wrong".....got that one too. Fact of the matter is instead of being straight forward people use these excuses to relieve their own guilt about the breakup. If your SO wants to be with you they would make an effort. As far as hope.....it is what you make it. On some level you need to let go of something that is not there. Don't want to sound harsh but that's the reality. You have your good qualities and your bad qualities. Your ex doesn't owe you anything and guess what? You deserve better. Heal.....become a stronger and better person.....love again. There are few things in life as powerful of love. And there is someone out there that deserves you and you deserve them.

[NC-Thomas]

I feel like you are holding on to her alot and acting needy in an obsessive way. We have all been in that phase of desperate hoping and wishing and it really sucks!

 

But don't be too hard on yourself, you are just 4 days on NC, you are currently on the toughest road. But the road will get less bumpier in time. Ride out the emotional rollercoaster and don't contact her no matter what! Closure comes from within. It comes from acceptance. Accept that you feel like crap and then later try to accept the situation as a whole.

 

No facebook, no instagram, no nothing. Block her if you can't do that.

 

You'll get there eventually! In time you will see the flaws in it all.

 

Keep venting!

Edited March 1, 2015 by NC-Thomas

[Emc920]

Hope is a good thing but don't let it stop you from living your life. If you've apologized for your mistakes then just continue to work on yourself and let that work be a testament to who you are and who you want to be. The last thing you should do is make contact if she doesn't want it. TRUST ME ON THIS. I have all but destroyed any hope I have by pushing and contacting. The best chance you have is in working on yourself and staying in no contact. I know it's brital but it's your best chance, so if it's that important to you, and I believe it is, stay strong and keep the course. What is meant to be will be without your interference. Losing control of a situation is daunting but it's truly out of your hands. Best of luck.

[wantnotshould]

Thanks for replying guys.

 

I just finished packing up her closet. I made the mistake of telling her to leave everything here till I was ready to accept it. I realized I won't be ready for a long time.

 

I know NC is the way to go. It's just so tough. It hurts so bad. I wish I could be in her mind for one day to see what she is thinking. I'm just so sad right now. I still haven't been able to accept what happened.

 

I don't want to live my life missing her and being surrounded by thoughts of her. I want to either get over her, or get her back. Yet I can't seem to move forward.

 

My concentration is dying, I can't sleep through a night, I'm barely eating. How long will this last? I get random days/hours of feeling good and accepting it. To then be beat up because of the reality of the situation. I lost her. I love her so much and I lost her.

 

She doesn't want to be with me. That kills my heart.

[Satu]

What you are doing is called the projection of hope.

 

For one reason or another, you are unhappy.

 

You have projected your hope for happiness onto her, and that isn't working.

 

You need to stop projecting, and centre your hope for happiness in yourself.

 

She cannot, and will not, make you happy.

 

That leaves you.

 

You have to make yourself happy.

 

That's what works.

 

Do it.

[NC-Thomas]

Thanks for replying guys.

 

I just finished packing up her closet. I made the mistake of telling her to leave everything here till I was ready to accept it. I realized I won't be ready for a long time.

 

I know NC is the way to go. It's just so tough. It hurts so bad. I wish I could be in her mind for one day to see what she is thinking. I'm just so sad right now. I still haven't been able to accept what happened.

 

I don't want to live my life missing her and being surrounded by thoughts of her. I want to either get over her, or get her back. Yet I can't seem to move forward.

 

My concentration is dying, I can't sleep through a night, I'm barely eating. How long will this last? I get random days/hours of feeling good and accepting it. To then be beat up because of the reality of the situation. I lost her. I love her so much and I lost her.

 

She doesn't want to be with me. That kills my heart.

 

The way I see it, she has lost you.

 

I know it's all emotions running around in your head, but think logical here for a second. Look at both sides of the break-up. Don't devaluate yourself, you are totally putting her on that pedestal, and dumpers don't deserve that! She put you at the curb and you want her back for doing so?

 

It will take some time before you will see things clear and stop idealizing her. Focus on YOU, not HER.

[wantnotshould]

Satu, you are right. I am not happy with myself and my life. She brought the little happiness I had to my life. I am putting it on her and not learning from my mistakes. I have to learn to make myself happy. Thank you. I needed to hear that.

 

NC-Thomas, I know it sounds ridiculous that I want her back. I definitely still am seeing her through rose colored glasses. I get moments of clarity in which I see our relationship for what it was. We both got comfortable and stopped working on maintaining it alive.

 

The reason I want her back is because we did really well other than the getting comfortable aspect. We barely had major issues. When we had issues we'd talk about it. She made me calm. I am a very emotional and impulsive person and she balanced me out. She made me laugh constantly, and she was always there for me. Even through my depression and anxiety. She then couldn't take it. I guess she fell out of love with me and left.

 

When she left, she was crying unconsolably. We both were. I wished her the best and she wished me the best. I guess my brain doesn't wrap around the fact that she got over me. I love her so much and I know she loved me too. I know I will never be satisfied with whatever reason she may give me for breaking up with me. But a big part of me thinks she will return to me once she notices that **** isn't that great in the single world. I think she got the GIGS.

 

I guess it's a self-esteem crusher that she only wants me as friends and told my friends that she had no hope for us. When I have all the hope in the world and view the situation so differently.

[Satu]

Snip:

 

NC-Thomas, I know it sounds ridiculous that I want her back. I definitely still am seeing her through rose colored glasses. I get moments of clarity in which I see our relationship for what it was. We both got comfortable and stopped working on maintaining it alive.

 

Here's a couple of things to think about:

 

Sometimes what happens is that people who are not happy and don't like themselves very much, project their own good qualities onto somebody else, so they can experience and love those qualities from a distance.

 

So it's an ownership thing.

 

Sometimes its easier to see good things in others, rather than in ourselves.

 

I don't gamble, but I'd be willing to bet that a large part of the wonderful qualities you see in her also belong to you.

 

Probably even more in you, than in her.

 

You miss her, but you miss yourself more.

 

You miss your happy self, who felt safe and loved.

 

It's OK to love yourself in a healthy way.

 

Get yourself back together with yourself.

 

I have a strong feeling that you will do so.

 

All the best,

 

Satu

Edited March 1, 2015 by Satu

[wantnotshould]

Snip:

 

I don't gamble, but I'd be willing to bet that a large part of the wonderful qualities you see in her also belong to you.

 

Probably even more in you, than in her.

 

 

I hope you are right. I hope I can learn to love myself again.

 

I just found out that she had been wanting to break up with me for 6 months. I have mixed feelings about it. She never communicated that with me, which was her flaw. Why not go ahead and do it then? Fear? She told me 2 weeks when I asked her when we first broke up. My friend said she told her 6 months. I don't get it, why stick with me for 6 months?

 

Anyways, I want to stop concentrating on her. What happened happened. The way she went around things, was an ******* move. I don't want to worry about her anymore. I want to concentrate on myself. Hopefully the hope will vanish once I start feeling better about myself.

[smellysocksuni]

Hi,

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this right now.

 

How long were you both together?

[Flabreakup]

I'm with ya here. I'm a month post breakup. We were engaged and have a baby. Until two days ago she was saying maybe and we'll see about working on things. Hanging out with the baby. Then I saw some texts from a couple fellas two days ago that have been going on for two weeks.

 

So after four years she moved on in two weeks. Both guys were exs. Weird stuff.

 

I had hope until I saw the texts so of course it feels like it started all over again. Slept two hours last night and barely ate since Thursday. Not a guy to give you advice just letting you know your not alone. I have to see her three days a week for the baby so NC doesn't even work for me. I see her face and you can see my chest beating if you look close enough. At least that's what it feels like.

 

Let me know anything that's helped for you and I'll do the same. One thing you can try is to order food. Have it delivered. with no motivation at least it's there if you want it. Joined the gym. People mentioned it here and I really do feel better for a good few hours after.

[wantnotshould]

Smellysockuni, we were together for 4 years.

 

Flabreakup, I'll let you know. I think I'm going to try to move to a different area. I just have too many memories here. I just found out yesterday she was thinking of breaking up with me for 6 months. She had her long ass time to get over me. She didn't pre-warn me at all. One day was I love you, and the next I'm leaving. She ****ing destroyed my heart. I can't deal with this ****. I don't understand how someone who was so seemingly nice did something like this to me. I want to start over and I have too many memories with her here. I hope she has the balls to come crawling back, once she realizes who she left. Just to be able to reject her ass. I'm so pissed right now. I'm tired of sleepless nights. I'm tired of feeling like ****. I'm tired of being pissed. I'm so done with it all. I wish I could think this clearly all the time.

[Tolu2d]

Smellysockuni, we were together for 4 years.

 

Flabreakup, I'll let you know. I think I'm going to try to move to a different area. I just have too many memories here. I just found out yesterday she was thinking of breaking up with me for 6 months. She had her long ass time to get over me. She didn't pre-warn me at all. One day was I love you, and the next I'm leaving. She ****ing destroyed my heart. I can't deal with this ****. I don't understand how someone who was so seemingly nice did something like this to me. I want to start over and I have too many memories with her here. I hope she has the balls to come crawling back, once she realizes who she left. Just to be able to reject her ass. I'm so pissed right now. I'm tired of sleepless nights. I'm tired of feeling like ****. I'm tired of being pissed. I'm so done with it all. I wish I could think this clearly all the time.

 

 

It's strange how someone you love so much, can hurt you more than anyone else. Me and my ex were woefully in love, and did so much together, and now she has ripped my heart out. I lost her, our dog and our life together. She cast me out like I was trash,

[Jonp219]

Snip:

 

 

 

Here's a couple of things to think about:

 

Sometimes what happens is that people who are not happy and don't like themselves very much, project their own good qualities onto somebody else, so they can experience and love those qualities from a distance.

 

So it's an ownership thing.

 

Sometimes its easier to see good things in others, rather than in ourselves.

 

I don't gamble, but I'd be willing to bet that a large part of the wonderful qualities you see in her also belong to you.

 

Probably even more in you, than in her.

 

You miss her, but you miss yourself more.

 

You miss your happy self, who felt safe and loved.

 

It's OK to love yourself in a healthy way.

 

Get yourself back together with yourself.

 

I have a strong feeling that you will do so.

 

All the best,

 

Satu

 

How does one love themselves though?

I dislike myself with or without my ex, but I still love having her around because she's a lovely girl.

The self love thing just never made any sense to me as depressing as that sounds.

I just don't know how people do it. Some of my friends tell me, "you gotta love yourself before you love someone else". And I always ask, how do you do that, and why?

I could never live by myself, I don't think I would last 2 minutes on my own.

Edited March 2, 2015 by Jonp219

[Satu]

*How does one love themselves though?

I dislike myself with or without my ex, but I still love having her around because she's a lovely girl.

The self love thing just never made any sense to me as depressing as that sounds.

I just don't know how people do it. Some of my friends tell me, "you gotta love yourself before you love someone else". And I always ask, how do you do that, and why?

I could never live by myself, I don't think I would last 2 minutes on my own.

 

*It's the simplest and most natural thing in the world, but to people who don't love themselves it seems like a strange abstraction, or a vague and meaningless idea.

 

The simplest way to get started is to make a commitment to treating yourself the same way as you treat other people who you love and respect.

 

Why shouldn't you treat yourself that way?

 

Stop finding fault with yourself.

 

Put the whip down, and start treating yourself kindly.

 

You have to love yourself if you want a loving relationship, because if you don't, you are coming to the relationship empty-handed.

 

"I love you, but I don't love myself," is like offering somebody an empty vessel.

 

"I love you and I want you to love me, even though I don't love myself," is even worse.

 

Think about this.

[wantnotshould]

How does one love themselves though?

 

I think it means be happy with who you are. Be stable and independent. A relationship is supposed to be formed by two independent individuals who are happy being alone, but who compliment each other and make themselves better by being together.

 

 

----

 

She contacted me. After I specifically told her that I needed time. That I could see ourselves being friends in the future, but that I needed to work on me now.

 

She told me she wanted to remain friends, and that if I ever regret the decision that I could contact her anytime. That she hopes the best for me, and that we simply weren't compatible, and that she doesn't hate me.

 

I didn't answer. 5 minutes later another text about the dog we bought together. She asked if she could see it occasionally, or if it was officially mine. She then texted me. "Please answer this, I won't text you anymore."

 

I'm in-between: replying "Give me some time." and immediately blocking her OR not replying at all.

 

I'm afraid that if I don't reply she'll get upset and want to take the dog back. After all she had to convince me to get it when we were dating. I just fell in love and spent more time with it during the relationship because she was busier. I love this dog. It keeps me going everyday and I'm afraid to lose it.

 

Please someone give me advice.

Edited March 3, 2015 by wantnotshould
grammar