Getting back with ex-girlfriend after making every mistake in the book

[Emc920]

I'll try to keep this short while giving all the relevant information. 5 year relationship and that was the longest for both of us.

I had bought a house in 2012 (which she wasn't happy about but I did anyway as I thought it was a good investment). A few months after completing it (it took almost a year to complete) it was pretty much destroyed in hurricane sandy along with my parents home and basically my entire neighborhood. I was staying with my gf but it was a really stressful time with all that was going on (and in retrospect, we were flailing as well due to my immature behavior such as partying too much and not making enough time and putting her first. It's true, unfortunately.) also, she was under a lot of stress finishing her masters degree as well while working full time. Anyways, we had a silly argument one morning ( I think it was over a towel) and she slammed the door on the way to work. I, in turn, packed my stuff into two garbage bags (because everything else was destroyed in the storm) and left. More than a bit harsh and extreme, I know, however, it was not a good time for me and I can't begin to tell you how much I regret this. After about 6 days I calmed down and reached out to her but she was not trying to talk about it. In December she asked me to let her be and so I did while I worked on getting everything back in order for myself and my family and friends who were going through a similar displacement due to the storm.

 

Part 2:

After three months I came back swinging but wound up begging. I tried to reach out and reconcile but had yet to make REAL CHANGES. I was an immature guy. After trying to send some gifts and letters, I received an email that basically listed every ****ty thing I've ever done (nothing terrible. No hitting or cheating. Just man-child stupidity). She finished with the dreaded I AM DONE.

I was devastated. I stopped drinking for like 5 months and got right into therapy. She always hated the house and that area I lived in and I realized it was a problem for me too bc I grew up there and so I relocated. I reached out to friends for help with trying to get an opportunity to speak to her but she eventually cut many of our mutual friends of as well. I called and texted and cried and wrote. Not 50 times a day but one or twice a week or month for a while. NOT A WORD.

I've seen her in person a few times and she refuses to acknowledge my existence. I'm literally invisible. I sent her a birthday gift last year and it was returned to sender. At times I've gotten frustrated with her and have lashed out maybe twice over the last two years but I'm only human and being ignored is frustrating to say the least. My biggest mistake since the break up was that I heard a rumor that she hooked up with this older dude that we both worked with (we worked for the same school but in different buildings. She transferred so not anymore but we did.) He's such an ******* and when I heard it, I was sick to my stomach. I still don't know if it's true but of course (like an idiot) I emailed her about it. No reply but I heard she was pissed. Obviously I could've made it worse and punched this guy in his mouth like I would love to do but that's not gonna help anything and ultimately it's not my business what she does, regardless of I am hurt by it.

At this point it has been a little over two years since I left and almost two years since the email that devastated me. I wish I would've done exactly what I've done but without having pushed so hard for reconciliation. I wish I would have listened to her request and gave her the space she wanted and needed.

I've realized that for all the changes I've made (I really have. I barely party anymore. Certainly not with the reckless abandon that I once did. I moved from that area. I spend most of my time exercising, reading, etc. I've learned to cook and I have a dog now. I've found peace through meditation and yoga) I just needed to grow up and I have.

So, I haven't contacted her in 6 months. I sen a final email in September apologizing for my errors both during and since the relationship ended. I told her that I love her equally for her strengths and her weaknesses and that I miss her very much. I told her I love her and although I'll never be perfect, I will always try my best and that I am aware of my shortcomings now.

 

I basically wait in hopes that I hear from her on her own volition

 

I have dated and all that other stuff but I am sure that the connection we had is incomparable and I can't believe she doesn't feel that way as well.

 

Basically, I'm looking for advice and/or any stories of messy breakups where the people remained apart for a few years but ultimately got back together. I would loved to be inspired or to hear any ideas if there's anything I can do that will help bring her back into my life.

[Farid]

I'm kinda in the same situation as you are. Just two and a half months in.

 

I don't know much but this much I know: You are still making a mistake. You don't have a life. Yes, I'm being harsh. I'm sorry brother. Better hear it from me than from her or another girl.

Coz what did you do for yourself? Everything you mentioned was apparently done for her. Not for you!

 

Your life evolves around her. And that's not attractive. You need an ambition more important than her. You need a purpose bigger than her. Hell, bigger than yourself!

Idk, join Green Peace, begin to write, do charity. Idk, find your purpose in life. Or make one. Don't wait around for a spiritual guru to run into you or for Jesus to appear to you.

 

This won't only prevent you looking purposeless, immature, needy, it'll help your confidence as well.

 

"An unexamined life is not worth living" says Socrates. Make it worth living. Not for her. For you!

 

Otherwise ask yourself. Suppose you never get her back? What will you tell yourself when you get old looking back to your life?

Even if you do get her back, what kind of a life is it if it's spent only to love and admire a women?

Edited March 1, 2015 by Farid

[Ruby65]

I think the changes you've made are all in the right direction -- and I agree with Farid above that you also need a bigger purpose in life other than just growing up and living well.

 

Another person can't be responsible for your happiness, that has to come from you. True happiness in life comes from... accomplishment. Taking on something bigger than yourself. You need to accomplish more than just the love of this one (or any other) woman.

 

That's a life goal, a life lesson. It takes time to achieve.

 

In the short term, your progress sounds really good! Six months without contact now -- that's very good! Physically, you've finally been able to take a step back and disappear from her world. Emotionally, though... sounds like you're still right there with her, hoping for the relationship. It's natural to do this, though. Acceptance is a gradual process.

 

Should you be COMPLETELY over her, two years after the breakup? Nope, no way -- especially if you've kept in contact for 1-1/2 years of it.

 

Getting over this relationship is going to take EXACTLY AS LONG AS IT TAKES and not one day sooner. Don't beat yourself up. But DO try and take steps to recover, emotionally. That means, looking for other things that feed your soul and make you happy. Yes, a larger purpose. And yes, eventually, also dating again and making a life with someone else when you're ready.

 

Will you ever hear from this ex again? Impossible to say. It's not very likely, given that you never gave her a chance to miss you after the breakup and continued to pursue her. But crazy things do happen.

 

The point is you need to find a way to have a happy fulfilled life even if this never happens. So you have to act AS IF it never will. Assume it's over, pretend you have a crystal ball.... work on acceptance.

 

In truth, most people who want to be in longterm relationships usually do end up finding someone! You will, too. Think about how nice it would be to start FRESH with someone new, someone who sees you starting NOW, as the person you've become, and didn't go through all the muck and tragedy of losing your house and all the stress and chaos of your last relationship.... someone who sees you with fresh new eyes and adores you.

 

Not too shabby.

[Emc920]

First off, thank you for taking the time to read and respond. You are both right about me kinda waiting around on some level. I do feel like I'm waiting for the phone to ring most of the time. That being said, I definitely have made a purpose to live my life. I'm a very good teacher and I derive a lot of joy from that and I play piano at a church on the weekends and that brings joy to me as well. I have done more traveling and working on myself on the last two years than I have in my entire life. I just came back from two weeks in a germany with a woman who I have been dating and who adores me. I am also planning to drive across the country this summer and visit many of the great national parks. I live, and I live well.

But you are right: I also wait. To me it just feels like we went through so much together and although I made mistakes, (I needed this to happen bc evidently I needed a wake up call) I genuinely love and miss her and can't seem to find that connection with anyone else. I feel as though we ran a marathon together and she walked off the track during the last mile. I'm not blaming her bc I accept responsibility for my actions and the repercussions of them. I just don't understand how without a single word she can cut me completely out of her life.

Side note: she does have a somewhat depressed persona even though she is an amazing woman. She doesn't speak to her father and I reached out to her best friend from college last year who told me that they had an argument while traveling to Europe together and she hasn't heard from her since. I know that doesn't make her sound like a very good person but she is. She's just very emotional. I feel like I can love her through that; as though her strengths are more than her weaknesses. I guess I'm mostly upset that she can't see that in me. It's really so tragic. I've tried to move on and on many levels I have but hope dies last and my hands are tied. I can't believe she hasn't said a single word to me given the circumstances surrounding the breakup. I've come to think that closure is nonsense but after 5 years hpw does someone just pretend you don't exist? I can't understand that. It's not like we are kids. I'm 35 now and she's 30.

[Ruby65]

To be honest, I think the big tragedy here is that you're involved with another woman right now -- and are still writing this way about your ex!

 

This other woman adores you? Does she know you're still in love with your ex?

 

If not, you need to let her know so she can be free to get over you and find someone who will love her back the way she loves him!

[Emc920]

I agree with you but she is well aware. We are not together at this point. I know she would like to be but I've been very honest and upfront about my feelings for my ex. She moved here from Europe and I've helped her in many ways while she got set up here, so I think that has had an effect on her feelings for me. She is a great person but not the one. At least, not right now.

Edited March 1, 2015 by Emc920

[Satu]

Your chance of getting back with her = zero.

 

By believing that it is even remotely possible you do yourself a disservice.

 

Accept reality.

[Ruby65]

I agree with you but she is well aware. We are not together at this point. I know she would like to be but I've been very honest and upfront about my feelings for my ex. She moved here from Europe and I've helped her in many ways while she got set up here, so I think that has had an effect on her feelings for me. She is a great person but not the one. At least, not right now.

 

I hope you're going to be honorable here and not lead her on or see her again.

 

You KNOW the pain of rejection.

 

You should also have some insight into your ex's perspective now.... to her, YOU weren't The One.

 

Imagine if this poor woman-who-adores-you wouldn't take "no" for an answer, but kept popping up with emails and such for the next year and a half? This is what your ex has had to contend with.

[Emc920]

I've been very honorable here. I am not into the idea of toying with anyone's emotions, and yes, this has certainly given me some perspective into her side of the coin. But just as I may realize something down the line, I wonder if my ex may realize the same thing. Moreover, not giving her a chance to miss me was a mistake on my end but if it's real, have I just delayed the process or have I destroyed the possibility?

[Ruby65]

I have done more traveling and working on myself on the last two years than I have in my entire life. I just came back from two weeks in a germany with a woman who I have been dating and who adores me.

 

Okay, because this ^ doesn't sound like you're over or planning not to see her again. It sounds like you're still dating and just got back from a trip together!

 

As to your question about your ex.... please examine your feelings for this other woman. Note the LACK of spark. Note how you DON'T miss her when you haven't seen her for a while. Note how you long for another woman, not her..... THAT is how your ex feels about you right now.

 

Will it ever change? Impossible to say, but I'd say there's probably less than a 1% chance that someone who ignored you while you pursued them for a year and a half is going to start to feel more interested.

 

Do you see yourself feeling more interested to this woman you've been dating? If she goes away for six months, would you suddenly be in love and want her back?

 

Odds are probably about the same. When the feelings aren't there, they just aren't there -- even if they used to be, years ago.

[Emc920]

Not JUST got back but in the last few months. Sorry I wasn't more clear but I was writing for the sake of brevity.

 

And yes, I know my chances are slim and that if she wanted to work it

Out of whatever that she would've contacted me by now. On the other hand I know she wasn't dating for a long

While and was very hurt. Also, part of me hopes that her extreme opposition to me is fueled by feelings that she is trying not to address. Like a "think line btwn love and hate" kinda thing.

Probable? No. Impossible? Also, no.

 

I'm just looking for hope.

[Ruby65]

I don't think holding onto hope has served you.

 

You've been doing it for two years now and it's time to work towards ACCEPTANCE.

 

Also, you shouldn't be involved with other people until you've healed -- because until that happens, you're going to hurt anyone who has feelings for you!

[Emc920]

I suppose for me this has been a rebound. Trying to move forward but unsuccessfully. I think it's fairly common. I've tried everything, which not so coincidentally is why I am here on the forum trying to speak to people who can offer advice/support/shared experiences which may be of some help to me.

[Satu]

I've been very honorable here. I am not into the idea of toying with anyone's emotions, and yes, this has certainly given me some perspective into her side of the coin. But just as I may realize something down the line, I wonder if my ex may realize the same thing. Moreover, not giving her a chance to miss me was a mistake on my end but if it's real, *have I just delayed the process or have I destroyed the possibility?

 

*There was no possibility there to be destroyed.

 

She is not your problem.

 

Consider this:

 

The two pivot points of mental and emotional health are the acceptance of reality as it is, and the ability to successfully adapt to that reality.

 

Until you do those two things you will not be truly happy.

 

That is what you have to do if you want to be happy.

 

Here is a snip from another post of mine:

 

"For some reason, when you were with her/him, you chose to have her/him as the exact centre of your universe.

 

You were in orbit around her/him.

 

Then he/she was gone, and you had nothing to orbit.

 

The possibility of recovery for you is to place the centre of your universe inside yourself.

 

Once you have done that, the empty place inside you will no longer be empty, and you will begin to enjoy life again."

 

Feel free to reject my comments if you wish.

 

Take care.

[Ruby65]

I suppose for me this has been a rebound. Trying to move forward but unsuccessfully. I think it's fairly common. I've tried everything, which not so coincidentally is why I am here on the forum trying to speak to people who can offer advice/support/shared experiences which may be of some help to me.

 

Sadly, it IS common to mistreat others to feel better ourselves.

 

Look around this site.... you'll see a big percentage of the people here are heartbroken because they've been used as rebounds!

 

Remember: what goes around, comes around. You hope for your ex to have feelings for you.... but you treat someone else badly.

[Emc920]

Satu, your comments are greatly appreciated.

 

I think there is a misunderstanding here. The woman who has feelings for me is not the victim of any mistreatment here, nor does she feel such. She came to nyc to find work and relocate. She had a hard time doing so and I helped her greatly, to which she is appreciative and feelings have grown from there. For a period, she had basically run out of money, etc. and I let her stay with me (rent free, of course) and take her time to find a job. She wound up finding a very good job and is doing well now. This woman has not been used as much as she's been helped. We had a brief romance, which did not work for obvious reasons and we remain friends. Just to clarify.

[gnick]

I've been completely cut off just like you. I can't imagine anything worse.

[Farid]

It seems you've been taking better care of yourself than initially understood.

Good for you.

 

And my man, as long as you don't get depressed, as long as you don't waste your life, or your chance with another women away, there is no shame in being in love.

 

As I told you in my first reply, I'm in your situation. Not only because of some similarity in our story, but because I know I'll love this women for the rest of my life. I'll always hope she'll come back. Even if I get to be 90 years old, even if I'm surrounded by my grandchildren, I'll die waiting for that phone call.

 

So I completely understand you.

 

There is nothing wrong with being in love with someone else, while loving a women enough to spend your life with her as long as you don't betray her.

Love is not an exact science. One can't reason with heart.

 

This is what I told to my ex "I lay my life down at your feet, I'd give the world up for you, but if I'm with someone the day you regret throwing our precious love away, I'm not going to break an innocent womens heart to be with you. I could never live with myself. If you know anything about me, it must be that I never betray my loved ones."

 

That's it. There is no shame in loving someone unconditionally, indestructibly, and loving someone else enough to be faithful, loyal and to be willing to spend your life with her, to be willing to make you both happy.

 

I understand you. Hope dies last. True love even later. I know chronologically this doesn't make sense. But rationally, love like this doesn't make sense either

 

Stay strong brother.