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Should I stay or should I go? :(


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I've browsed this site for a few weeks and decided to register and ask for help.

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for 8 months.

He lives a 4 hour drive away.

We are both established in life and career. Me:38 He:50

I'm in love with him and have been for some time but never told him.

I don't know if he loves me but his actions make it seem so (sometimes).

 

We have had some bumps in the road all because of his "issues". He had a very bad breakup 2 1/2 years ago. He has disappeared on me before for 4 weeks (I don't count that month in our time of 8 months together. We have known each other 9 months). This was very early in our relationship so I just let him go. Then I stupidly took him back we he came calling. Everything was great until it wasn't. He would blow hot and cold and that really hurt me. I was alway initiating visits. He only recently started initiating them about 2 months ago. When we are together we have a lovely time. We recently took our first vacation together. After our vacation he completely turned cold. I almost told him I loved him on that trip. He blamed me for his being cold. Something I said that offended him on my last day there. I cried every day because he would not give me any info and I felt extremely insecure trying to imagine what it was that repulsed him on that trip. I've been trying to fix it but he won't talk about it yet he continues to text me every day like nothing happened. I tried reaching out one final time and sent him a note (last week) detailing what I want from him to continue "us". He acknowledged the note but won't discuss it. He said, thanks. :confused:

 

I have been pushed to the point of one foot out the door. Maybe that is what he is trying to do. Get me to leave. I ran into an old male friend the other day and he asked me out. I've never thought of or looked at another while with my boyfriend. I was honest with this old friend and told him that I was in a relationship but now I am considering going to dinner with him. Why not?? It's like I barely exist to my boyfriend anymore.

 

Easier said than done though. My heart sinks when I think of telling him that I feel we should go our separate ways. In my heart I don't want that but my head is telling me otherwise. I gave him plenty of opportunities to discuss what's happening and I told him how he was making me feel. He's done nothing to make feel better about it or us.

 

I asked him if he wanted to break up and he said no and that I was being a drama queen. Truth is, I am miserable. I am not happy. I don't want to give an ultimatum and I know that he won't change. I ignored all of the waving red flags throughout our relationship and here I am.

 

Oh and I won't see him anytime soon so it will need to be over the phone. Not ideal but that's our current situation. Anytime I think something is really wrong, it isn't. I get in my head and over analyze, etc. But I know how he is making me feel and it HURTS. I think that he thinks I would never do it. I've given him every clue in the world including actually trying to break up.

 

It's like I know it needs to be done but I don't want to go through the heartbreak aftermath.

 

I just need some advice. Do I tell him I need to resolve this now ( talk to him) or I am walking? I hate to threaten but I don't know what else to do.

Edited by AprilTears
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AprilTears, this will probably be hard for you to digest, but no relationship should be based on such extreme lack of communication, and overlooking of the others feelings. Im not sure why, but i guess your bf has so much emotional baggage he just hasnt got over and rid of, the consequence is what you are going through and its just not right or fair on you and your emotions.

 

For him to stay stubborn over one statement you may have accidentally made, and force you into writing a note only 8 months into a relationship is saying something. Im not saying you wouldnt or shouldnt need to write a note, what im saying is only 8 months in and its already so dire?

 

You arent happy, this relationship isnt providing for you emotionally what you need, and what a partner should provide for another partner. Taking that into account its not right or healthy you stay in this relationship until your bf finds himself and really recovers.

 

My advice now is to tell him straight up at least 3 times so you know he has registered what you are expecting and give him some time to try make an effort or change, help him with any change he does make and encourage him maybe he just doesnt know, if he just shrugs you off, meaning he doesnt take it into account, then you need to walk, itll hurt, but itll be for your own good.

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AprilTears, this will probably be hard for you to digest, but no relationship should be based on such extreme lack of communication, and overlooking of the others feelings. Im not sure why, but i guess your bf has so much emotional baggage he just hasnt got over and rid of, the consequence is what you are going through and its just not right or fair on you and your emotions.

 

For him to stay stubborn over one statement you may have accidentally made, and force you into writing a note only 8 months into a relationship is saying something. Im not saying you wouldnt or shouldnt need to write a note, what im saying is only 8 months in and its already so dire?

 

You arent happy, this relationship isnt providing for you emotionally what you need, and what a partner should provide for another partner. Taking that into account its not right or healthy you stay in this relationship until your bf finds himself and really recovers.

 

My advice now is to tell him straight up at least 3 times so you know he has registered what you are expecting and give him some time to try make an effort or change, help him with any change he does make and encourage him maybe he just doesnt know, if he just shrugs you off, meaning he doesnt take it into account, then you need to walk, itll hurt, but itll be for your own good.

 

Thank you so much for this!! This really helped! My friends just say dump the sorry a** but that doesn't help me. You did!! I'm going to take your advice. Thanks again!

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Thank you so much for this!! This really helped! My friends just say dump the sorry a** but that doesn't help me. You did!! I'm going to take your advice. Thanks again!

 

I hope so, your friends are your friends, they love you, i or anyone here cant replicate that for you. Feel free to take my advice, but please dont be too lenient otherwise youll be waiting months for him to change. The advice as you can understand wont necessarily be what you want to hear, like i said, dont waste your time, dont be too lenient, tell him 3 times maximum, if he doesnt do anything or doesnt even attempt to change, you need to walk for your own good.

 

Plus, regardless of your situation, do not go out with another guy, until you have finalised the separation from the guy you are currently with.

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I hope so, your friends are your friends, they love you, i or anyone here cant replicate that for you. Feel free to take my advice, but please dont be too lenient otherwise youll be waiting months for him to change. The advice as you can understand wont necessarily be what you want to hear, like i said, dont waste your time, dont be too lenient, tell him 3 times maximum, if he doesnt do anything or doesnt even attempt to change, you need to walk for your own good.

 

Plus, regardless of your situation, do not go out with another guy, until you have finalised the separation from the guy you are currently with.

 

Yes, my friends are great!! They listen to me vent and are very supportive. I guess I needed to hear it "straight up" from someone who doesn't know me. I can't wait for him. It's hurting me every day.

 

When you say three times...you mean three times in the same conversation right? Like to make sure he really gets what I am saying?

 

I won't go. I would feel incredibly guilty if I did. Plus my mind would be elsewhere.

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He is being lazy and complacent and you need to shake him up if you think this relationship is worth salvaging. I'd call him and explain carefully and emphatically how you are feeling, being careful not to place the blame on him but with an eye to working things out together. If he doesn't buy into this and continues to be evasive, then you can walk.

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It's over. I told him late last night. He refused to talk to me so I had to tell him over email. He replied and said that what I said to him (I called him an a-hole when he was relentlessly poking fun at me) offended him so greatly that he cannot get past it. But he appreciates that I tried to fix it. :eek:

 

Of all the things I have forgiven him for: Disappearing, the many occurrences of the silent treatment, talking down to me, treating me like I am beneath him (to name a few)... and I cross him once and he can't deal with it. What that tells me is that I cared more than he did. He doesn't care about me at all.

 

Now it's over. And I am heartbroken.

 

I don't know if he is expecting a reply but he is not getting one. I have said my peace more than once so he knows exactly why I am gone. And now I know that he feels we are done because of my actions.

 

It is very difficult for me to not reply. I think he may be surprised that I don't but I need to focus on the bad and not what he is thinking to keep myself from replying and continuing this emotionally draining relationship.

 

This really hurts. I put in SO much and I still ended up with nothing.

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No.....you didn't end up with nothing. You learned a lot from this relationship that will follow to future relationships. Always take a positive out of a negative. I would go NC with him from here on out. He might try and contact you after the dust settles but the bottom line is he's not a good partner for you. He needs to figure some things out for himself before getting into another relationship. Take some time for yourself to get your head straight before entering another relationship. You can always vent your thoughts and feelings here. I started a journal and it really helps putting thoughts and feelings on paper because now it's tangible. Good luck.

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AprilTears,

I'm sorry you are hurting over this but it will get better, I promise.

 

You may feel that you've gotten nothing out of this but what you have got is experience.

 

Now you know what you don't want in a relationship, and that however hard you try relationships don't work when you're the only one pulling your weight.

 

I'd take some time out for yourself, and, it goes without saying block this guy and delete him from your life - you deserve better.

 

Good luck.

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Thank you Stercrazy. I know you are right. I did learn a lot. Pay attention to what people DO and not what they say is one. Another is do not ignore red flags. It still hurts like hell. But I am EXHAUSTED! He is not easy to deal with at times and I was constantly anxious and walking on eggshells. I knew one wrong move by me would end it and I was right.

 

I should have never let him get away with the things he did to me but I allowed it to happen so they continued. I cannot let myself believe that my actions caused us to end though that is what he was trying to tell me.

 

No contact is SO HARD. But I know if I reply then my "good bye" won't seem sincere and I will look like a fool. So I guess this is day 1 of not contact and I am suffering.

 

 

No.....you didn't end up with nothing. You learned a lot from this relationship that will follow to future relationships. Always take a positive out of a negative. I would go NC with him from here on out. He might try and contact you after the dust settles but the bottom line is he's not a good partner for you. He needs to figure some things out for himself before getting into another relationship. Take some time for yourself to get your head straight before entering another relationship. You can always vent your thoughts and feelings here. I started a journal and it really helps putting thoughts and feelings on paper because now it's tangible. Good luck.
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Thank you! You are right in that I got experience. He was a broken man and I knew it. What I also know (now) is that I cannot fix someone who is broken no matter what I do.

 

What hurts is how he was able to shut me out so easily. I had to dig and dig to find out why he was avoiding me. I could never do that someone I care for especially knowing how bad it was hurting them.

 

I'm definitely not going to reply to his last message or any others IF any others come. He got the last word and he can have it. He's hurt me for the last time though it will take a while for me to get over him.

 

:(

 

AprilTears,

I'm sorry you are hurting over this but it will get better, I promise.

 

You may feel that you've gotten nothing out of this but what you have got is experience.

 

Now you know what you don't want in a relationship, and that however hard you try relationships don't work when you're the only one pulling your weight.

 

I'd take some time out for yourself, and, it goes without saying block this guy and delete him from your life - you deserve better.

 

Good luck.

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I understand. But your brain is suffering because you ended a relationship after 8 months. Even if it is the right move your brain is trying to figure out it doesn't have what it think it needs. Like a baby crying for its mom. Same thing. The same areas in your brain light up after a breakup just like a coke addict when trying to be sober. Look it up. It might help stepping back to view the relationship objectively....without emotion. It might help with putting things into perspective. Humans evolved to seek other humans for survival purposes. Check it out.

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Long distance relationships just don't work. I tried it and there just is no need for it. Find somebody within 20 miles. There are too many ppl on earth to try the long distance thing. Dating apps that use gps features in your phone may be the way to go. They find matches nearby. Two of the most popular are match and hoobee in iTunes. I have have good luck with both. Good luck to you!

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Thanks but I am not ready to date anyone at all until I get over him. I've already had a couple men come out of the woodwork and ask me out. It's like they smelled a dam* cat in heat! As if they knew my relationship was ending and they all pounced. No thanks.

 

Our issues weren't the distance. Even if he lived next door I believe we would still be where we are today. He just wasn't good for me and that would have always be the case no matter where he lived.

 

It's just very unfortunate because I really had high hopes. I just grew so weary and I am just worn out.

 

 

Long distance relationships just don't work. I tried it and there just is no need for it. Find somebody within 20 miles. There are too many ppl on earth to try the long distance thing. Dating apps that use gps features in your phone may be the way to go. They find matches nearby. Two of the most popular are match and hoobee in iTunes. I have have good luck with both. Good luck to you!
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Trying. Went to a movie, went to the mall and out to dinner. But my eyes are teary.

 

I'll journal tonight. Good idea!

Edited by AprilTears
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When I journal I include things she said that pissed me off along with what I'm feeling. That really helps. Takes her off any pedestal I placed her on.

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When I journal I include things she said that pissed me off along with what I'm feeling. That really helps. Takes her off any pedestal I placed her on.

 

Thanks again! I know I'm putting him on a pedestal but what I'm really struggling with tonight is his complete lack of care. It's really tearing up my heart that he's been hurting me, watching me struggle and doing nothing to help me. He just kept me hanging on and I don't understand why. If he knew he was never going to forgive/forget then why make me suffer? So mean.

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