dumped/cheated on, no second chance

[Bing]

I wish I'd known about LS two years ago, when I started dating who I thought was my dream girl. Instantly fell in love with each other. me:38, she:28. Tons of common interests, and we just 'clicked'. She was a late bloomer and inexperienced sexually, but I loved being with her so much that I thought she would come around when she was ready.

 

Two years on, we are talking marriage and buying a house together. Sex has become slightly more frequent but only every month or so. I didn't see that shed grown distant. One day, she tells me she kissed a man she's been working on a project with and has been unhappy for a while. In fairness, I took for granted that we were moving in together and she was happy with the progress. Both of us shied from conflict so not great communication. Rather than dump and go NC, I ask that we work it out. we go back to our usual routine for a couple days, then she needs a "break". one week later, she says its too late.

 

i tried to accept her dumping gracefully, but went back the next day crying and trying to convince that i wanted to make it better. after a couple days, she relents and agrees to work on things but take it slow, like 1 day a week together. We meet for the following date and it goes ok but things feel off. three days later I call to see where her head is at and she says she's happier without me. "i loe you but im not in love with you". I gracefully accept the breakup and agree to all the cruel things she says about me (i'm too emotional, i'm 'scared' of life, i don't want to have sex etc) and why we're not a good match. The next night, I see her out with the guy she kissed.

 

Its been a couple weeks and I've been reeling from the dumping and the betrayal (i know the guy, he's married but i didnt know he was in an open relationship else i would have been more concerned). Also the shame from allowing myself to be completely disrespected in an effort to save things when I thought it was about me. I thought she wanted to be my wife. Ended up in the ER after 18days NC and had to let her know she was my emergency contact (thought i was having a heart attack). ended up an anxiety attack from the stress of losing her and dealing with stuff. she checked via email the next day to see how i was doing and to let me know I could "call her anytime for anything".

 

I've had enough time and clarity to reflect on things I could have done differently but I'm not sure if it would have made any difference. She has depression and low self esteem, and once I started to really get into the relationship was when she started to pull away.

 

Regardless, I'm back to NC and working on myself as best as i can. seeing a therapist to try to work out codependent/self esteem/anxity issues. working out. eating better/losing weight. moving to a new place tomorrow (was my hope to leave my bad apartmnt to move with her, but now i hate this place b/c of the memories and need a fresh start).

 

I'm still clinging to hope that she will change her mind in a few months, but also incredibly angry that she wasnt more clear with her feelings sooner and let me get invested in something she wasnt into. Seems like my story is pretty common and these are the ones that don't come back. Trying to embrace that and start reallly looking forward not backward, as I dont want to get trapped waiting for something that won't happen.

 

Anyhow, wanted to share here for any advice or support. this is a great community. and reading through here has given me a lot to think about for when I'm ready to get back out there.

[Toodaloo]

(i know the guy, he's married but i didnt know he was in an open relationship else i would have been more concerned). They all say that but lets face it the blunt truth is that they are shagging around so who knows if they can really be trusted unless you have met the wife who agrees

 

Regardless, I'm back to NC and working on myself as best as i can. seeing a therapist to try to work out codependent/self esteem/anxity issues. working out. eating better/losing weight. moving to a new place tomorrow (was my hope to leave my bad apartmnt to move with her, but now i hate this place b/c of the memories and need a fresh start). Good on you.

 

I'm still clinging to hope that she will change her mind in a few months, She won't but also incredibly angry that she wasnt more clear with her feelings sooner and let me get invested in something she wasnt into. You have every right to be Seems like my story is pretty common and these are the ones that don't come back. Sorry to say you are right there Trying to embrace that and start reallly looking forward not backward, as I dont want to get trapped waiting for something that won't happen. Again good on you

 

Anyhow, wanted to share here for any advice or support. this is a great community. and reading through here has given me a lot to think about for when I'm ready to get back out there.

 

Read in dating and check out peoples "red flags" and the like. Its an absolute mine field out there but if you are honest with yourself, accept things the way the actually are rather than make up some fantasy land thing in your head its much easier.

 

Good luck.

[Bing]

The thing I'm struggling with right now is how to regain some dignity in the matter. When we finally ended it, I was such a doormat and let her project a bunch of garbage on me that I thought was true at the time- in hindsight, she was just trying to justify her rotten behavior. I didn't realize she was leaving me for someone else until the next day. I believe she thinks the breakup was amicable, but I feel that I was lied to, misled and strung along. Oh, also made the classic blunder of forgiving/taking responsibility for the cheating "I'm sorry I wasn't a good enough boyfriend". It makes me sick to think I did that and I want her to know it was wrong- whether or not it will do any good. Of course she's in the honeymoon/limerance phase of whatever it is she's doing so it won't matter but- for my own sanity- I need to figure out how to offload this shame.

[Ruby65]

You get your dignity back by staying on the High Road.

 

That's the gift of No Contact: it restores your sense of self-mastery and self-worth.

 

Read through the No Contact Guide posted on this site. Here's another recovery guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

I understand -- believe me, I really do! -- the kind of pain you're going through. Nothing hurts more than being dumped for someone else, nothing! Add insult to injury -- to be lied to about it, I can't even imagine what that's like.

 

But here's the thing.... if you can keep this to yourself, if you can take the High Road and walk away and don't try and unload on her, she's going to have to deal with all that guilt -- and YES, she will feel it. The bigger you are right now, the more she'll suffer for it.

 

No Contact is a win/win for you. It's the best for your healing.... and it's the fastest road to recovery. Trust me, you don't want to get into it with her. It only brings you down to her level -- and who wants to be there? She's a liar and a cheat. You're better than that.

[Bing]

I know you're right. One thing I left out is that we both volunteer for a couple organizations that I still want to be a part of, and while I can avoid her for a while, eventually I'm going to have to work closely with her again. I hope I can weather this without getting bitter, or at least get to some place of understanding in the coming weeks. I've got about a month before I' ll need to deal with her again. Right now it sickens me to think of being fake friendly with her.

[Ruby65]

Focus on healing for now.

 

When the time comes, you might want to reconsider continuing with that particular organization or finding a new and equally worthwhile cause to volunteer for.

[mightycpa]

Find yourself a new emergency contact. If there's nobody, then what difference does it make anyway?

[Bing]

I have one, but she was out of the country and my ex was the only other person who could do what I needed on short notice if it was an emergency.

 

tbh, I guess I was hoping to make some kind of connection too. Yeah, I'm still hurting. I'm still weak.

 

It's such a mind-**** that I feel I NEED her to give me back my dignity after I set it aside for her. Lesson learned. I should have walked away when she told me it was 'too late' instead of trying to 'fix' it. Even though she wasn't completely honest where her head was at, When someone wants to end it you just have to let them go. I don't think I was ready to face it. Wish it was easier.

[mightycpa]

Try to look at it this way. She's the only one who really knows you left your dignity with her, and she probably doesn't think about it much now.

 

So, grow some new dignity, and reclaim it as if you never left it anywhere.

[Bing]

Dammit. Aftre communicating w/ her while in the hospital, and her follow up email that I could 'call her anytime about anything, not just an emergency' I felt the need to open the lines of communication. I didn't contact her, but I did unblock her on FB. I thought it would also be a good way to avoid her since we're part of the same volunteer group, and it was weird seeing group messages with missing spaces.

 

I don't have the self control right now to not look at her page, and see who she's friending and all that stuff. I need to block her again.

 

I'm still stuck in the 'NC to let her miss me' phase, when the truth is I DON'T WANT IT TO BE OVER. I'm hurt that she went outside for her emotional needs, that she gave up on us, and honestly I helped her eliminate any doubt by 'fighting' for her. Logically I understand that she wasn't happy and needed out but my pride won't let me just take it on the chin. Plus, I believed there were a lot of really great things about us, and I'm working on my **** so I can be a better partner (right now it's still for her but I know it'll make me better for the next one). I'm afraid to face that she's not coming back, and all of this self improvement will still leave me empty. I don't know how to do things for ME, and that's probably a big reason she left. Ugh.

[Stercrazy]

The fact that she cheated has nothing to do with you but says a whole lot about her. It gets better. Start a journal and just write everything out.....your feelings....questions....observations. It helps a lot. Eventually you come to the conclusion "I deserve better". And better is out there but your mind straight first. Don't rebound.....it's a waste of someone else's feelings.

[Bing]

I guess it's getting better since I last posted. Got moved into my new place so not living in the same house with her best friend. I've started seeing a new counselor to focus on skills instead of it just being a BS session once a week to manage my anxiety/abandonment stuff, and hoping to really work on communication/boundaries so I don't end up in another relationship like this one. Lost a ton of weight, got some new clothes, looking at different volunteer opportunities and trying to keep a low profile without going into hermit mode.

 

The fog has cleared a bit more, I'm able to concentrate at work and have been going out and meeting people. Still think about her a ton and the emotional rollercoaster goes on, but not quite as bumpy. I've been on a couple casual dates and it feels good to be with people who are interested in me that i enjoy talking to. It's interesting to contrast that with the way she treated me in the final months of our relationship- whether I was in denial or thought it was healthy, I didn't see until now (as she was slowly pulling away) how little she was putting into the relationship.

 

Other than an accidental butt dial last week (didn't realize she was still in a contact list on another device) I haven't reached out. Was embarassing to have to hang up and get a text back saying 'whats up, why did you call" but oh well. For the first few weeks I felt like a bull in a china shop, made the mistake of talking to one of her friends who initially seemed supportive and when I tried to reach out for someone to talk to a few days later she froze me out- tried to apologize a month later but I think that just made it worse. I get the feeling her camp thinks I'm a psycho now but not much I can do other than stay away and move on.

 

With our shared activities and friends it's been hard to avoid her, we've seen each other in passing a bit but no contact to speak of. I've had to put a lot of energy into staying away from her and it's exhausting, but I think it'll get better over time. I've been revising my 'closure' letter (that I'll never send) every few days or so that helps me channel some of the things I feel were left unsaid- I'm glad I'm at the point that I know nothing I say or do with regard to her will make any positive change in the way things are.

 

Still feeling attached even though I'm starting to see how rotten things were for both of us- despite that it still hurts like hell that she's got a new life and is probably happier than she ever was with me (or is at least figuring out what she needs to make herself happy). I know I'll get there too, and have a new life where I'm happier than I was with her, it's just going to take a little while. I want to get to the place where I'm happy that she's doing well without me, but I'm just not there yet. Still feel a big hole in my heart and my life where she used to be, but I feel it lessening and that gives me hope.

 

I wish my heart would catch up to my head, as I'm thinking logically about how it's over and it's a good thing for both of us, and seeing the good I did instead of just the bad (and the bad she did and not just the good) and I'm becoming a better person because of it- but there's still that little voice that wants to 'fix' it. At least I'm able to see how she wasn't invested/serious/mature enough to do her part and that's not likely to change for a long time. One step at a time I guess. Going to keep trying to shift focus to MY positives and MY change and everything I learned that I will bring to the next HEALTHY relationship. If she cared she'd be here with me now.

[Satu]

Never ever allow yourself to cry and beg for another chance with someone.

 

I can't emphasise that strongly enough.

 

Just don't.

 

----- You know why.

[Bing]

I learned that lesson the hard way in the first 2 weeks after the BU, and then reading the forums here. No way in hell I'm going to give up any more of myself for someone who took so much and didn't give back. And no way in hell I'm going to put myself in that position again with anyone else.

 

Had a really good conversation with a friend last night that talked about how in a codependent/one-sided relationship, it feels like you're clearing a path with a machete for the other person, and it's hard as hell- but when you're with a good partner, they're right there beside you with their own machete, and it makes the work a lot easier.

 

The other thing he shared was a nice analogy that reflects the ultimate goal of NC- you're building a wall between you and your ex. Slowly it gets higher and stronger and eventually you can't see over or through it. Sometimes (like with kids etc) you have to put a gate in it, but the goal is to build that wall strong, and then turn your back to it so it doesn't matter anymore.

 

It's funny how everything makes sense once it's over but when you're in the middle of it you have zero perspective. I know I'd have handled a lot of things differently with what I know now- I suppose that's growth.

[Satu]

I learned that lesson the hard way in the first 2 weeks after the BU, and then reading the forums here. No way in hell I'm going to give up any more of myself for someone who took so much and didn't give back. And no way in hell I'm going to put myself in that position again with anyone else.

 

Had a really good conversation with a friend last night that talked about how in a codependent/one-sided relationship, it feels like you're clearing a path with a machete for the other person, and it's hard as hell- but when you're with a good partner, they're right there beside you with their own machete, and it makes the work a lot easier.

 

The other thing he shared was a nice analogy that reflects the ultimate goal of NC- you're building a wall between you and your ex. Slowly it gets higher and stronger and eventually you can't see over or through it. Sometimes (like with kids etc) you have to put a gate in it, but the goal is to build that wall strong, and then turn your back to it so it doesn't matter anymore.

 

It's funny how everything makes sense once it's over but when you're in the middle of it you have zero perspective. I know I'd have handled a lot of things differently with what I know now- I suppose that's growth.

 

All true.

 

Once all the healing is done, you look at the ex partner and all you see is a perfectly ordinary person, just like anybody else.

 

That's because you're not projecting anymore.

[BlackbirdSong]

OP, I think we are the same person with pretty much the exact same story.

[Bing]

saw her tonight. was out with some friends including a woman I've been on a few dates with, and the ex was there with her friends. we didn't talk, waved at each other at the beginning and end of the night. Sucks that's what two years gets you. I must be healing because I couldn't have handled that a month ago. Still angry, so probably best we didn't talk, not that she wanted to anyway. I know she's so past me. She did the exact thing to her last long time ex- no looking back. I hope she finds what she's looking for. I know I will.

[Bing]

Sorry for the long posts.

 

Last week I was out for a casual date with a friend and ex came in with her friends. She decided to stick around with her friends and everyone knows everyone else and it made things rather uncomfortable for me- I thought she'd have the courtesy to bail and give me some space. Two nights later, she came to a place where i was working an event (a space that we both volunteer at, but I've made great efforts to avoid her and make sure we're not scheduled at the same time) and approached me, touched my arm and said some polite words. I brushed her off. She popped up again the next day, like she was marking her territory after two months of not being around at the same time.

 

I approached her the second day (saturday) of the event and asked her if she wanted to participate, since she was hanging around by herself. Thought it odd that she'd come back after the previous night when I made it clear that I wasn't happy to see her. She seemed surprised at first, then gracious, and asked if I wanted to talk. I declined to chat at the time, but invited her to join in and maybe we could talk after. She joined the rest of the group, but seemed distant/emotionally shut down and left early.

 

On Sunday, I was still dealing with the first face-to-face encounter post BU and trying to make sense of it. Was she testing the waters? Breadcrumbs? Was she there to prove something to me or to get validation? curiosity? Did it have anything to do with me at all, or does she just not care anymore? So I broke NC and texted her (Up to now the only times I've contacted her were when I was in the hospital 2 weeks post BU and again a couple weeks ago when I accidentally hit redial on an old call log [phone has been scrubbed so no more of those]).

 

Basically I texted that she surprised me b/c I wasn't expecting to see her, and that if she wanted to talk she could reach out otherwise hope she's doing well. She replied it was good to see me, she's doing well, and that I look good (I've lost some weight in the past couple months).

 

Struggling to make sense of all this. I've been making positive changes in my life (working out, making new friends, doing some serious work on my issues with a great counselor) but I can't get her out of my head, and felt like she imposed on my boundaries this weekend, either willingly or unwillingly. Going to talk to my counselor to try and figure out if I need to communicate additional space/boundary request with her, since I've put a lot of energy into avoiding her and maybe she doesn't get that I'm hurt and want to move on.

 

Kind of a mixed blessing, to see that she hasn't really changed, and got to get a glimpse of her objectively and realize that she's a bit of a mess too. Still, part of me can't let go.

 

I believe she's still involved with the guy she left me for. It was weird to see her, she seemed sad and desperate with 'crazy eyes'. I know she's not my problem anymore and mentally I'm getting to a place where I see how much healthier I am even in the last couple months, but I've still got feelings that cloud my ability to act rationally. Wish they would go away. Tired of her still in my head after getting disrespected and blamed for everything that was wrong, and now that I'm starting to rebuild I feel like I got set back to square 1. Thoughts? Advice?

[Bing]

Rough night. Saw her again last night. Went into a bar to find some friends and she was there with a bunch of people I didn't recognize. I turned around and left before she could see me. I'm trying to stay NC but these seemingly weekly encounters just keep setting me back. Trying to find new things to do but can't seem to escape her. I'm taking a month off from our shared volunteer center but am thinking of a longer hiatus.

 

I'm at the point where I see how much our relationship DIDN'T work for either of us, and how unhappy we both were. I don't blame her for wanting to leave. I'm examining and addressing my own attachment and anxiety issues so I don't bring those into the next one. So if I see how it was broken, and accept that I couldn't do the work on myself that I'm doing while with her, why do I miss her so much and why do I want her back so bad? Especially since she bailed to be with someone else?

[Bing]

Learning so much every day about myself. These boards help sometimes, give me things to reflect on and read shared experience-and see how typical [not 'special'] our bad relationship was.

 

More self-made drama this week. Went to a friends birthday party and spent it hitting on an old college flame I hadn't seen in years. My friend gently called me out for not being a great friend, but kind of a selfish a$$. Made me realize I've been spending the time since the breakup dwelling and distracting more than dealing and grieving. I thanked him and apologized, and am resolving to dedicate more time to the healing process. He's been super supportive through this thing, and made me see that I've got some work to do (but is still there for me).

 

The other knife to the heart was a mutual friend who can't keep his mouth shut. He told me last week he'd had lunch with my ex and had shared with her some stuff I'd told him about the CBT/DBT therapy I've undertaken. I asked him not to share any info to or from me and her, as it was disrupting my healing process. This week I ran into him again, and he sucked me into another conversation. Like a drug dealer, he offered more info from their conversation, including that she was over me and wouldn't ever consider taking me back, had moved on with her life (and this married/poly guy), and that my negative self-talk had hardened her heart and made her fall out of love w/ me and want out.

 

I know now that I have to cut this guy out of my life, along with anyone else that might be a few degrees separated from my ex. As helpful as that info is to get me closer to acceptance, it's still so damaging. Maybe he thought he was doing me a favor to help me move on.

 

Regardless, I'm realizing that while I'm a good person, I'm not emotionally healthy enough to a) date, b) be around triggers (especially my ex) and c) need to spend more time with myself instead of looking for distraction/external validation. I have the tools I need and I'm starting to understand the work I need to do to be a whole person again, I just gotta do the homework!

 

I think this is progress, it's a long road ahead and is terrifying, but I'm learning that when you sense fear, you should confront it. Wish me luck this weekend, I'm going to try to do some values/boundaries work (and my taxes) .

[Bing]

Went to a sporting event with some friends, saw the ex's best friend/former neighbor but wasn't triggered so much. Still weird being out and get that tingling feeling like I'm going to run into her, but committed to NC now so think I can deal with it in stride. I'm starting to get more comfortable in my own skin, and I'm not as afraid to get out and ask people to hang out- this has always been a hard thing for me to do, since I had such low self-esteem before and in the r/s, I felt like people didn't want to hang out if they didn't call first. I'm learning that if I want to do something I enjoy, to just do it and ask others if they want to join in the fun. No expectations, no attachment to the outcome.

 

In addition to blocking her number, I shut down my facebook entirely for a few weeks. It's a weird feeling to 'build the wall' of NC, but it's for protection and space to heal. Realizing how much artificial validation you get from FB is an eye-opener, it's like junk food vs. the 'apple' of real friendships. I've had a few close friends ask me what was up with my FB hiatus, and I was able to explain to them that it's a distraction from the work I'm doing. If anyone else cares, they'll ask or draw their own conclusions. The goal is to not care.

 

That's my goal for the next few weeks, to examine healthy sources of validation, as well as attachments and expectations- where they come from, how I set them up, how to release them before they get cemented and set myself up for disappointment. I've got a stack of books to read through and have skimmed a few of them, but the one that's been most helpful is "No More Mr. Nice Guy"- so glad I found that here on LS. Already I'm recognizing the 'covert contracts' that I set up in my life, and how that leads to inauthenticity in communication and relationships in my life.

[No Limit]

Like a drug dealer, he offered more info from their conversation, including that she was over me and wouldn't ever consider taking me back, had moved on with her life (and this married/poly guy), and that my negative self-talk had hardened her heart and made her fall out of love w/ me and want out.

 

I know now that I have to cut this guy out of my life, along with anyone else that might be a few degrees separated from my ex.

 

Exactly, cut him out. He's "on her side", telling you all the manipulative cheater textbook excuses they use to justify their behavior. What else was she supposed to say to defend herself? "I'm a stupid bitch, sorry, I just couldn't help it"?

[Bing]

Exactly, cut him out. He's "on her side", telling you all the manipulative cheater textbook excuses they use to justify their behavior. What else was she supposed to say to defend herself? "I'm a stupid bitch, sorry, I just couldn't help it"?

 

LOL Thanks NL. That's the weird part, still trying to wrap my brain around the separation between the relationship not being good on either side (and being thankful she ended it), but acknowledging she still did a cruel, selfish thing- and learning to be the kind of guy that draws a line on how to deal with trespassing on my boundaries. Feel like I can't trust myself until I'm able to reconcile these two ideas.

[ZiggyZoo]

Ahhhh, "friends". I had a few oh-so-helpful little birdies that I got rid of when my ex and I broke up. Some people seriously don't have an ounce of common sense or empathy, or whatever it is that would tell a regular person to NOT bring up someone's ex. Geez.

 

I wanted to say that I too have been through a CBT course, and learned a few DBT techniques, and they are going to help you so much. If you haven't already realized it, that is. I started the CBT therapy when my ex-husband left me, and it saved my sanity many times over. I used it with this breakup too, and it really helped my healing time tremendously.

[Bing]

Yesterday was the first day since the BU that I can say I started feeling like normal/back to before this began. Went for a hike in the AM with a friend, went to work, went for a long bike ride after work, helped someone with a project and went out to dinner by myself for the first time since the BU. I got tired of feeling like I'm in the witness protection program. After dinner I decided to go to a bar that my ex and I both liked (though rarely visited together) and ordered my favorite drink- on my way out I think I saw her in there by herself on her phone. Didn't phase me, though if I'd known she was in there I might not have gone in. Went to a show later that night and enjoyed myself. The rollercoaster seems to be slowing down a bit, in part due to sticking to NC FOR MYSELF. Finally blocked her e-mail address so I won't be waiting for breadcrumbs. Feeling my confidence starting to return, making new friends and rebuilding a full balanced life that meets my needs in a healthy way.

 

Was walking this morning and saw a cluster of cherry trees shedding their blossoms, it was like something from a movie, this cloud of pink snow. I wouldn't have been able to notice, let alone appreciate the beauty of this moment, where I was at before, during and shortly after the breakup. I stood in this downpour of petals for 4 or 5 minutes and appreciated the moment, and reflected on how change is necessary for growth and how temporary things are in life. It was really great.

 

Doing a lot of reflecting on attachments and sources of healthy validation now. Realizing that the suffering post BU wasn't so much that she was leaving (because the r/s was in many ways a 2-party s**tshow) but because I was so attached to the outcome that I wasn't present to make sure my needs were being met. Still have a lot of work to do but starting to see progress.