When you reject love, it will reject you...

[NC-Thomas]

Dear LS,

 

In May 2014 I got out of a 2 year relationship, i was dumped by her. I was quite devastated and made a topic on LS. I took the valuable advice of moving on with my life even though I had lost my job a few months after the breakup.

 

While being dumped and unemployed I started meeting other girls and my confidence got better. In September 2014 I met a woman, we started going out alot and even went on holidays together. In the beginning I made it very clear to her that I was still healing from my break-up. She accepted, but I knew she wanted more... she was really into me.

 

However after 2/3 months she clearly developed feelings for me, even while my ex was still in my head. I honestly told her I wasnt ready for a relationship and I made that very clear (sometimes even in a hurtfull and rude way). I liked her as a companion and we had sex often.

 

In time I started to like her more and more and about one month ago I started to develop romatic feelings for her... (5/6 months after I got to know her) and I forget about my ex. By that time I noticed that she started to become a bit distant after I told her I had romantic feelings for her. She told me she was hurt because I had denied her romance for so long. She told me it broke her...

 

So she pulled the plug tonight after a phonecall and told me she could not invest/give anymore (she had no energy) after how I treated her (rejecting her romatic interest before). We had no real hard feelings towards eachother and I kept being polite, so it ended allright. Meanwhile she is also quite unstable and wants to find herself again (stopped her studies). Right know I feel sorry for holding her back for so long. I told her I just wasn't ready for a new relationship yet and didn't want to hurt her or myself!

 

Now she told me we could remain friends (without benefits) , but thats not an option for me. I just can't be with her while she might be with another man plus I dont want to be her back-up option. If I had just met her a couple of months later, I would surely be ready for love. It just didnt play out like that. I feel like we were on different paths and NOTHING can be done about that... life is a bitch.

 

Things I just can't get my head around:

 

1. Am I wise to decline her friendship offer?

2. Could friendship turn into love again? Or does that just make me look like an needy friendzoned orbiter? She told me that maybe later she can give me more, when she has the energy for a RS.

3. I just cant seem to believe that she is rejecting me now, when im ready for a relationship. How is it that a woman turn 180 degrees around? If you really loved / wanted me, why not go for it? I feel that woman never forget and that the fact I rejected her still hurts for her.

 

I am going to move on now and if she really wants me, I hope she will contact me. We have mutual friends, so I will definately meet her soon. I don't know how to treat her now... What should I do when I see her? I still need to give her some of her stuff lying in my appartment...

 

I look forward to your advice, I know many of you will tell me to move on, still I would very much like to have your opinion. Thanks for keeping me on track LS.

Edited February 25, 2015 by NC-Thomas

[marcelo.santos]

Looks like it was very easy for your friend on the beginning: You made it clear that you would not be interested in a serious relationship with her - just talk and sex. So she would not be afraid of being with you as it do not represents a serious relationship.

 

When you turned to have something serious with her, you changed the game: Now she would face something more serious: the possibility of being happy with you - she become afraid of this 180 turn and decided to run from you. She used a perfect excuses for her attitude: You have hurted her so much the time you were together - but looks like this was not a problem before.

 

I know that this is difficulty to understand and believe, but most of people become scary with the possibility of instant happiness opportunity and this certainly is the case with your friend.

 

You have a problem: If you try to go on her direction, she will run from you like crazy now - so my suggestion is to follow your own path: This is your only option now - if you decide to be friend with this girl you will get nothing and will hurt.

 

Just move on, I dont think you will have any chance now with this girl. Learn this lesson from this girl: Be careful to do not scary her with your romantic intentions as this sometimes she will become afraid of happiness and run from you.

[NC-Thomas]

Looks like it was very easy for your friend on the beginning: You made it clear that you would not be interested in a serious relationship with her - just talk and sex. So she would not be afraid of being with you as it do not represents a serious relationship.

 

When you turned to have something serious with her, you changed the game: Now she would face something more serious: the possibility of being happy with you - she become afraid of this 180 turn and decided to run from you. She used a perfect excuses for her attitude: You have hurted her so much the time you were together - but looks like this was not a problem before.

 

I know that this is difficulty to understand and believe, but most of people become scary with the possibility of instant happiness opportunity and this certainly is the case with your friend.

 

You have a problem: If you try to go on her direction, she will run from you like crazy now - so my suggestion is to follow your own path: This is your only option now - if you decide to be friend with this girl you will get nothing and will hurt.

 

Just move on, I dont think you will have any chance now with this girl. Learn this lesson from this girl: Be careful to do not scary her with your romantic intentions as this sometimes she will become afraid of happiness and run from you.

 

I dont think this is the case. She always longed for a romatic relationship, but i was holding her back because I was still thinking about my ex-girlfriend alot.

 

Then after 5/6 month, when I felt like being ready for a romatic relationship, she backed off because it was too late for her and I had hurt her by denying her for so long.

[Simon Phoenix]

I dont think this is the case. She always longed for a romatic relationship, but i was holding her back because I was still thinking about my ex-girlfriend alot.

 

Then after 5/6 month, when I felt like being ready for a romatic relationship, she backed off because it was too late for her and I had hurt her by denying her for so long.

 

Sounds like you missed your window. She wanted something early, you weren't available but kept the physical relationship going. Instead of hoping the physical relationship would turn into a romantic one, she got used to just getting the physical benefits and became comfortable with that. By the time you came around emotionally, she had checked out of her previous mentality to the point where you wanting a romantic relationship made her uncomfortable. You basically gravitated to opposite points of the spectrum than where you were before and flipped roles.

 

Now, as for the next steps, usually when that window closes, it's closed for good. Only way for that window to re-open is for her to see you in a new light or, in your case, re-see you in an old light. That's not going to happen if you are in contact with her. So I think you were wise to decline the friendship. Not only will you not get anywhere with her, you also won't heal and meet anyone else in that state.

[dyna85]

I truly believe everything happens for a reason, so for whatever reason, the stars have not aligned for you two (at least for now). I know it's terribly painful, but I don't think there's really a solution other than to let the cards fall as they may. Obviously you can't force your way back into her heart if she is resisting it at the moment, and I can understand her hesitation given how you had acted towards her in the beginning.

 

As for the reason behind this reversed roles situation: maybe it's not the right time and you need time apart to come together again. Maybe it's not the right person, and the universe has something better planned for both of you. Who knows. I think in your heart you may know though... do you feel like it's definitely over for good, deep within your soul?

 

My answers to your questions:

a) Sure.. if it doesn't feel right for you.. do what you gotta do and part ways

b) Yes. Not necessarily.

c) I'm sure she couldn't believe you weren't feeling the same as she did initially either. That's just how it goes. You can't force feelings.

 

I really like the title of the thread though... kind of sums up what goes down sometimes... it's just how it is... I don't think you did anything wrong necessarily because you were at least honest about how you felt in the beginning, and she chose to continue on with you. It just kind of came full circle now. It's sad that this happened, but I'm sure it was and is for the best, for both of you, in the long run.

[NC-Thomas]

Thanks for your help guys.

 

Currently her stuff is still in my apartment lying around (not big stuff though). I'ts almost been one week and she still hasn't asked for it back... why? Is she uncertain? I feel like being her back-up option now and I don't like it. I have declined friendship and have been in NC now for one week. So I don't want to call her to give her stuff, I feel that's her obligation. I don't want to break NC for any reason, except exchanging stuff.

 

Still it bothers me that its lying around, it makes me feel she's in control and she can just call me for it whenever she wants. I don't want to be a puppet.

 

I don't think I should ever take her back because I suspect she is dating another guy (no proof though). By letting her stuff be in my apartment she is kinda holding on. Telling me " i don't want a relationship right now " is just a lame excuse.

 

TLDR version:

 

Should I just box up her stuff and let it be? Wait for her to get it.

 

Should I ever considering taking her back? I think it will just make me look weak.

[NC-Thomas]

I feel like waiting for her to contact me for her stuff is some kind of torture. And I keep thinking about when she contacts me, will she try to reconcile?

 

I tend to check my messages too much lately. Need to get rid of this hope one way or another.

 

--- sorry for the double post ---

Edited March 1, 2015 by NC-Thomas

[Simon Phoenix]

Can you mail it to her? I would definitely box it up, but maybe you can mail it or just drop it off at her place if it's really bothering you.

[BC1980]

I feel like waiting for her to contact me for her stuff is some kind of torture. And I keep thinking about when she contacts me, will she try to reconcile?

 

I tend to check my messages too much lately. Need to get rid of this hope one way or another.

 

--- sorry for the double post ---

 

Mailing the stuff to her is the best option unless it's super expensive. If it's a big item, you could drop it off at her house or have her come get it. But I would have her pick it up when you aren't there.

[NC-Thomas]

Mailing the stuff to her is the best option unless it's super expensive. If it's a big item, you could drop it off at her house or have her come get it. But I would have her pick it up when you aren't there.

 

I feel like I have put too much effort in already. She lives only 10/15 miles from my place, and visits my town regularly.

 

I just need to set aside my hopes, but her stuff lying around doesn't help that.

 

Either she keeps her stuff here to have me as a backup-option, too afraid to pick it up or she is just plain lazy.

[Ruby65]

In time I started to like her more and more and about one month ago I started to develop romatic feelings for her... (5/6 months after I got to know her) and I forget about my ex. By that time I noticed that she started to become a bit distant after I told her I had romantic feelings for her. She told me she was hurt because I had denied her romance for so long. She told me it broke her...

 

This rings true to me. I can understand how, when finally given what she had been denied, she would realize she no longer wanted it... that the pain of being rejected for that long would kill off her feelings for you.

 

How sad!

 

I would gather up her things and get them in a box and store them out of view for now -- for yourself, for your own healing. There's no rush unless she contacts you about getting the stuff back.

 

I think you did right not going the friendship route. That's just a dead-end.

 

I also wonder if there's an element of wanting to punish you a bit? Even the score, as I'm sure she was hurt by your rejecting her those 5/6 months. I'm wondering if once she's made you suffer a while, she might reconsider and come back around looking to reconcile?

[NC-Thomas]

This rings true to me. I can understand how, when finally given what she had been denied, she would realize she no longer wanted it... that the pain of being rejected for that long would kill off her feelings for you.

 

How sad!

 

I would gather up her things and get them in a box and store them out of view for now -- for yourself, for your own healing. There's no rush unless she contacts you about getting the stuff back.

 

I think you did right not going the friendship route. That's just a dead-end.

 

I also wonder if there's an element of wanting to punish you a bit? Even the score, as I'm sure she was hurt by your rejecting her those 5/6 months. I'm wondering if once she's made you suffer a while, she might reconsider and come back around looking to reconcile?

 

Well the sad thing is, she told me over the phone "Now you can feel how I have felt for the last couple of months". That hurt, because I have always been honest about my feelings.

 

I'm just thinking if I would take her back if I could. But as Simon said, once a women checks out emotionally, she is often done for good. What message would I be sending her if I took her back? That she can just toy with me?

 

Plus, if she really wanted me, she would understand that I was still getting over my ex. If she really wanted me, she would be ready for me now...

 

Somehow I think she is dating another guy but just hasn't told me yet and made up some excuses like " I need to figure myself out" , "I don't have the energy for a relationship" , " I took distance of you because you didnt want me". Why I suspect this? Because she has a very high libido for a female and sex was her top priority most of the times.

 

Still trying to move on here. Im glad I declined her friendship, hope its sends a message that im not a needy guy.

Edited March 1, 2015 by NC-Thomas

[Ruby65]

Well the sad thing is, she told me over the phone "Now you can feel how I have felt for the last couple of months". That hurt, because I have always been honest about my feelings.

 

Yes -- this was the sense I got from your story, that she's looking to hurt you now that the tables are turned, just like you hurt her.

 

Which is why I think it's possible that when she's let you suffer a while -- once the score is settled -- her feelings toward you might soften.

 

I really didn't get the sense there was anyone else on the horizon, based on what you posted. I really think she was motivated mostly by revenge. Sounds incredibly petty -- might not even really be conscious on her part... but that's how it read to me anyway.

 

But of course you're right to stay strong, stick with NC and focus on moving on! And IF she does have a change of heart, she'll certainly let you know.