I am not living the life I want.

[Onionskin]

I have been with my guy for 11 years. He is 50 and I am 33. We met when I was 21 and he was 38.

 

In late 2013 we bought a property together. After about 6 months of living there, I began to realise I wasn’t happy. This life I *thought* I wanted, I don't. After having been in 2 previous relationships before him, I haven't been alone since I was 17 and suddenly I found myself with a 30 year mortgage. I also feel like maybe I don't want to be in a relationship anymore. With anyone.

 

When I realised I felt this way I started to panic. How does one go home after 11 years and just tell someone “Sorry, things have changed. It’s over”?

 

I didn’t know how to deal with these feelings so I began to lash out at him, blaming things like the excessive time he’d spend on the computer or his poor eating and therefore huge weight gain for my wanting tobreak up. He is putting in so much effort now but it isn’t making a difference because deep down inside I know that isn’t what is making me unhappy.

 

I’m not living the life I want. I have dreams I have spent the past 16 years ignoring and putting aside, for the men in my life. Instead of listening to my heart, I listened to what everyone else told me I should be doing. What was wise. What was practical. What was the “next step”.

 

Dreams aside, I want to be alone. To experience the world on my own. To meet people. To live in another country. To go on simple, butterfly inducing dinner dates without it turning into a full blown relationship.

 

I am sick to death of people telling me I’ll regret it, that good men are hard to find, that being single is not as exciting as it seems, etc. Surely in a world of 7 billion people, if I wanted to I could find someone to love me again someday. Even my own sister told me in a less than kind way that I am going to have to "live with the consequences" of my decision.

 

In terms of my feelings for him, I care for him but I don't think we are compatible anymore. I am not the same person I was when I was 21 and as much as I still enjoy his company it just doesn't fit for me anymore.

 

I know staying is wrong but I can't seem to find the strength to leave. I have been going to therapy to try and forgive myself, to help myself realise that sometimes these things just happen. He’s going to lose the woman he loves and his home in the same day (neither of us can afford the mortgage on our own). How the heck do I drop this “it’s not you, it’s me” bomb on him?

Edited February 24, 2015 by Onionskin

[ManyDissapoint]

I have been with my guy for 11 years. He is 50 and I am 33. We met when I was 21 and he was 38.

 

In late 2013 we bought a property together. After about 6 months of living there, I began to realise I wasn’t happy. This life I *thought* I wanted, I don't. After having been in 2 previous relationships before him, I haven't been alone since I was 17 and suddenly I found myself with a 30 year mortgage. I also feel like maybe I don't want to be in a relationship anymore. With anyone.

 

When I realised I felt this way I started to panic. How does one go home after 11 years and just tell someone “Sorry, things have changed. It’s over”?

 

I didn’t know how to deal with these feelings so I began to lash out at him, blaming things like the excessive time he’d spend on the computer or his poor eating and therefore huge weight gain for my wanting tobreak up. He is putting in so much effort now but it isn’t making a difference because deep down inside I know that isn’t what is making me unhappy.

 

I’m not living the life I want. I have dreams I have spent the past 16 years ignoring and putting aside, for the men in my life. Instead of listening to my heart, I listened to what everyone else told me I should be doing. What was wise. What was practical. What was the “next step”.

 

Dreams aside, I want to be alone. To experience the world on my own. To meet people. To live in another country. To go on simple, butterfly inducing dinner dates without it turning into a full blown relationship.

 

I am sick to death of people telling me I’ll regret it, that good men are hard to find, that being single is not as exciting as it seems, etc. Surely in a world of 7 billion people, if I wanted to I could find someone to love me again someday. Even my own sister told me in a less than kind way that I am going to have to "live with the consequences" of my decision.

 

In terms of my feelings for him, I care for him but I don't think we are compatible anymore. I am not the same person I was when I was 21 and as much as I still enjoy his company it just doesn't fit for me anymore.

 

I know staying is wrong but I can't seem to find the strength to leave. I have been going to therapy to try and forgive myself, to help myself realise that sometimes these things just happen. He’s going to lose the woman he loves and his home in the same day (neither of us can afford the mortgage on our own). How the heck do I drop this “it’s not you, it’s me” bomb on him?

 

Sounds like your mind is made up and you want reassurance that ending things is the right thing to do.

 

You were already 33 when you bought a house with your bf, demonstrating that you are in it for the long haul. Why would you do something like that if you have aspirations of being free, living abroad and going on tingly dates with new men!? This really is making my mind do somersaults.

 

11 years is a long time. Have you considered that your SO might be willing to be a part of your dreams and aspirations, apart from dating other men? Have you shared these thoughts with him over the course of ELEVEN years? You were not 17 years old with dreams and suddenly woke up with a 30 year mortgage. This happened 11 years later, much longer than most relationships last in the first place.

 

It may be true that you cannot be happy in a relationship with this person anymore. Can you look deep inside yourself and see what it is about a man you really want? There is no easy ethical move here. But I think the best thing you can do is explain all these doubts you have to him and give him a shot to give you the life that you want. That way you can be sure that the main problem with the life you are living is him, and not with you.

[StalwartMind]

I’m not living the life I want. I have dreams I have spent the past 16 years ignoring and putting aside, for the men in my life. Instead of listening to my heart, I listened to what everyone else told me I should be doing. What was wise. What was practical. What was the “next step”.

 

You entered the relationship while you were young, in your defense without knowing how or why you changed over the years, it's natural and most people do. One can argue that it's unfortunate that a relationship may have to come to an end because of such, but you'll be even more disappointed with life if you don't actually do some of the things you desire.

 

There is no point going through life feeling unhappy or to just dedicate it to someone else happiness. You should do what makes you happy and I'm positive you've given the situation a good bit of thinking.

 

You should be sick to death of listening to others telling you that you'll regret things, it's not their life and besides good men are easy to find, granted most people are just too picky, biased or whatever and want everything served on a silver platter from the get go. If you want your life to be great and full of experiences you'll cherish, then you need to go and make your life happen. It's not just going to come by your door and invite you a long, you actually have to do something actively, whatever it may be.

 

Too many people just put up with mediocre lifestyles because they are or feel stuck in them and that's a shame. On a personal note, no matter how hurtful it may be, I would rather want someone to tell me they are not happy in my company than spend one second more of my and their time on something that doesn't give them much life quality. Either way like mentioned it could be a good option to consider talking to your guy, if you haven't already, and just explain it to him like that instead of just dropping the bomb "It's over". If someone's heart is going to be broken then there isn't really an easy way to do it anyway, at least this one would hold some merit and he would deserve and appreciate that I'm sure, even if he'll be heartbroken.

[Ruby65]

Sweetie, he's waaaaaay too old for you!

 

He knew the risk of getting involved with someone who was way too young for him.... he's had you for 11 years -- No ring? Really? -- now it's time to pay the piper.

 

At 33 you're just starting out -- what about all the things you want to do in your life?! Mr. Geezer is probably thinking about retirement and YOU have yet to start your life.

 

Let it go. Tell him sorry not sorry. You don't need his permission -- he's not your dad, even if he's almost old enough to be!

 

Go find yourself some hunky guys your own age and have some fun. Spend some time being single! I'm guessing Grandpa had plenty of time to sow his oats and live life before "settling down" with you.

[Els]

Wow... he's 17 years older than you and you were together since you were 21 - essentially he was almost twice as old as you when you first got together.

 

I was initially going to suggest potentially going for couples counseling first and seeing if he is interested in doing some of the things you want to do (traveling the world, etc). But then I noticed your age differences after the poster above pointed them out - they do play a big part in this. You're in widely different phases of life, and this is amplified by the fact that he is overweight and sedentary, while you're regretting not having pursued your dreams in your youth.

 

Given all of that, I agree that leaving is the best answer. As for how to find the strength to do it - if you prefer, think of it as being the best thing to do for you AND for him. You deserve to be able to pursue your dreams, and he deserves to be able to find a nice woman in his age range to settle down with him.

 

Especially given that you don't have kids together, there is no better time to leave than now. As for the mortgage, this might sound harsh, but it is not your fault that at 50 years old he cannot afford a house on his own. You are young, you have time to save up, and if you play your career cards right you would likely have your dreams and a house of your own within the next decade, as well as perhaps meeting a man whom you are more compatible with (or just being single and/or casually dating if that is what you prefer).

Edited February 24, 2015 by Elswyth

[ZiggyZoo]

I don't want to say to discount the 11 years you've been together, because that's no small thing. But don't let that be a reason to continue in a relationship that you're not happy in. Why would you continue to put in more time for something that's not working? Like putting more money into a failing business, it doesn't make any sense to me. Cut your losses, or else you'll come to really resent both him and yourself.

 

And who cares if you might be alone for a while? One, being alone is actually not so bad, you can do exactly what you want and not have to compromise for anyone else. If you want to have a traveling companion, you can always choose a non-romantic one, after all. I learned the most about myself when I was single, I loved it. And two, I really doubt that you'll NEVER, EVER meet someone else. There's single men everywhere, you'l find someone when you're ready.

 

And I think therapy is a great step, but I also think that there's no need for you to forgive yourself for anything. You feel how you feel. Breaking up with someone you still care for, but aren't interested in is hard as hell. The hardest break-up I've been through was the one I initiated with the sweetest guy I just didn't love "that way". Lots of guilt, but I'm glad I did it. He's not with someone who's not the one for him, and neither am I.

 

I'd say to just sit your guy down and tell him what you've written here. You put it very well. And good luck, I think too many people settle because they think it's what others expect of them. Good for you for looking out for yourself and taking care of your on happiness.

[Chi townD]

So, leave. Sounds like you made up your mind already. So, go! Will he be upset? Yep. Will he be hurt? Yeah. Will it crush him? More than likely. But, point out a break up where someone doesn't get hurt one way or another.

 

 

However, I will tell you this. When you leave, you leave for good. You don't contact him again. You're making the choice to have this person out of your life. Therefore, you have to let him go and ignore any outreaching he may do to you. You can't be "just friends". If you try to remain friends with him after the break up, then you run the chance of filling him up with false hope. And that's not fair to him or you. It' just going to prolong the pain.

He'll need time to heal and move on himself and he won't be able to do that if the woman he loves is so close, yet so far away.

 

 

And I'll mirror everyone else. Good men are hard to come by, but I have a feeling that you need to figure that out on your own

[Onionskin]

You were already 33 when you bought a house with your bf, demonstrating that you are in it for the long haul. Why would you do something like that if you have aspirations of being free, living abroad and going on tingly dates with new men!? This really is making my mind do somersaults.

 

Deep down inside, I knew I wasn’t ready to be a homeowner, but as I mentioned in my original post, I was convinced by others that it was the thing I should be doing, so I began to believe I wanted it too. It was ridiculously naïve of me, but I honestly thought the time to purchase would never come around. I was happy in my life as a renter and had been for years, but thanks to him having a real estate agent for a brother in law, once we expressed our desire to buy the ball got rolling so fast and before I knew it, we were mortgage holders buying the second place we looked at. The purchase all happened so fast. The cruel irony is that only after buying the place did I realise just how much I truly wasn't ready.

 

I knew owning a home was his dream, and he had somewhat reluctantly deviated from his plan and his savings to take me overseas twice in the time we were together. I felt I owed him. As the purchase was happening I mustered up the courage to tell him I didn’t think I was ready. I can still remember the look of heartbreak on his face and him saying “I thought we were going to do this together…”. It was too much for me to bear and I totally caved.

 

My people pleasing issues are another reason why I am going to therapy. I can’t stand to see others hurt so I give in to whatever they want, every time, even if it’s not even close to what I want. My parents are both alcoholics and my dad was often physically abusive towards my mom. For her safety I was brought up to just shut my mouth, keep the peace and go with the flow. This behaviour has continued into adulthood and is something I’ve never been able to shake.

 

I also think that there's no need for you to forgive yourself for anything. You feel how you feel.

 

I am not feeling guilty for feeling the way I feel, but I am feeling guilty for messing his life up because I was too much of a coward to speak up when I should have.

 

Another reason why I feel like I should end it is because I have begun to reconsider something I always thought I never wanted: children.

 

I don't know what changed my mind about this. Maybe it is seeing my boss (who was a staunch NO KIDS guy before an accidental pregnancy) with his daughter and the joy she brings him, maybe it is hearing my clock ticking louder and louder, I don't know. Whatever it is, I don't think I can come to him in 3 or 4 years time as he's nearing retirement and tell him I want to start a family.

Edited February 24, 2015 by Onionskin

[ManyDissapoint]

Well you have messed up his life. But only in a way. You gave him 33% of your life. Dude was shacking up with a younger woman--trust me that feels good and nice. He's probably oblivious / in denial about what you're going through.

 

It's really a shame that you seem to have dug yourself into this massive 11 year hole doing things you didn't really want to do. I'm happy that you appear to be so introspective, but I'm really sad that you didn't have the courage to speak your mind...and act your mind.

 

It really sounds like at the end of the day you want to be with a younger man who is more compatible with where you're at. It's really a shame this whole situation and I feel bad for the guy.

 

I just have to ask...11 years!! HOW. This one stings. I can really feel it for you guys.

[Onionskin]

I just have to ask...11 years!! HOW. This one stings.

 

It’s a bit of a long story…

 

I am a very insecure person. Always have been.

 

Growing up in a street full of teenage boys I was lavished with attention from the age of 12. I allowed boys liking me to determine my self-worth. For a long time, in my eyes, I was NOTHING if I didn’t have a boyfriend. Having a boyfriend meant I was special, loved, someone. Single people were sad, pathetic and lonely. I put my happiness entirely in the hands of others.

 

At 19 I met a guy who I ended up having a chaotic 2 year relationship with. He lived with my family, we broke up, we got back together, I lived with his family, we broke up.

 

When we broke up the second and final time, he turned feral. I had to go to the police about his late night abusive calls and threats towards me. He turned all our mutual friends against me and yelled anything private I had confided in him (including very touchy subjects like my parents’ alcoholism) from the rooftops, to anyone who would listen.

 

Enter my current boyfriend. My knight in shining armour. The only one on my side through that horrible time.

 

We met and became friends. He never tried anything physical on me in the 6 months or so we were friends. Eventually I felt like my feelings for him were becoming more than just friends. Looking back now, they probably weren’t. Admiration, yes. Respect, yes. But love? Probably not. He was so much older and wiser and I was just a lost, vulnerable 21 year old who wanted to be loved, so I latched on as I had done in the past so many times before. At stages I even began to think I have "daddy issues" and that's why I chose him and am having trouble letting go.

 

He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t gamble. He doesn’t cheat. He doesn’t smoke. He doesn’t take drugs. He doesn’t stay out with his buddies. I thought I had it made. I had found the perfect man.

 

As the years passed, something started to feel off to me. I couldn’t put my finger on it. All I knew was that where I was, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be anymore. I was content, but not satisfied. Sure, everyone around me was either travelling the world, having fun being single or dating people their own age and getting married and having kids, but I was in love and happy. Right? Of course I was. So this isn’t the life I pictured for myself, so what? Don’t be ungrateful. All that stuff I wanted to do could wait, I had plenty of time! I wasn’t miserable, abused or depressed, so what's the problem? Why ruin it when there are so many women out there who would kill for what I have? You have an 11 year relationship and you own your own home?! You're so lucky, they all told me; be thankful. Even now I think you have a man who still loves you so strongly after 11 years, who says things like "when you're happy, I'm happy"; are you completely insane?

 

And now, guess what? You just signed on for another 30 years so you're going to have to stick with it.

 

I've let the idea of love and the constant fear that I may never find it again completely paralyse me, and keep me in a place I know I shouldn't be.

 

Perhaps I have reached a stage where I no longer want to feel safe and loved by someone else. Where feeling safe in myself and loving myself is enough now, and I want to get out there and see what life is like. It could be utterly awful, but I feel giddy every time I think about it.

 

I try to tell myself that sometimes following your heart means breaking someone else’s. That sometimes things just change. Perhaps I am finding it hard to forgive myself because I know deep down inside, they never changed. I have always felt this way, I was just too much of a chicken sh*t to do anything about it and now I'm just going to have to live with it as an eternal punishment and obligation for being said chicken sh*t and not doing this years ago...

Edited February 25, 2015 by Onionskin

[Els]

He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t gamble. He doesn’t cheat. He doesn’t smoke. He doesn’t take drugs. He doesn’t stay out with his buddies. I thought I had it made. I had found the perfect man.

 

As the years passed, something started to feel off to me. I couldn’t put my finger on it. All I knew was that where I was, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be anymore. I was content, but not satisfied. Sure, everyone around me was either travelling the world, having fun being single or dating people their own age and getting married and having kids, but I was in love and happy. Right? Of course I was. So this isn’t the life I pictured for myself, so what? Don’t be ungrateful. All that stuff I wanted to do could wait, I had plenty of time! I wasn’t miserable, abused or depressed, so what's the problem? Why ruin it when there are so many women out there who would kill for what I have? You have an 11 year relationship and you own your own home?! You're so lucky, they all told me; be thankful. Even now I think you have a man who still loves you so strongly after 11 years, who says things like "when you're happy, I'm happy"; are you completely insane?

 

I'm speaking as a woman who very much values her long-term loving relationship with a stable man who doesn't gamble, drink excessively, take drugs etc as well....

 

No, I don't think you should sit around and force yourself to 'be thankful' for something that isn't making you happy. All these women are doing you a disservice by telling you this. You can't force yourself to be happy when you're not, and you can't force yourself to be contented with something that you're not. That would only make you more miserable. I DO think that people should not leave LTRs on impulse and that they should really think things through and try to work them out first - but from reading your posts it seems you already have.

 

It's unfortunate, but IMO this R was already doomed from the start. From what I've seen, there are very few 17-year age gap Rs that last (happily) for the very long term, as it's only natural for the much younger partner to eventually feel resentful that they aren't able to enjoy their youth. Things would be different if there was a large age gap but the younger partner was old enough to have experienced life on their own before the R started, maybe in their 40s or so.

[ZiggyZoo]

I'm speaking as a woman who very much values her long-term loving relationship with a stable man who doesn't gamble, drink excessively, take drugs etc as well....

 

No, I don't think you should sit around and force yourself to 'be thankful' for something that isn't making you happy. All these women are doing you a disservice by telling you this. You can't force yourself to be happy when you're not, and you can't force yourself to be contented with something that you're not. That would only make you more miserable. I DO think that people should not leave LTRs on impulse and that they should really think things through and try to work them out first - but from reading your posts it seems you already have.

 

It's unfortunate, but IMO this R was already doomed from the start. From what I've seen, there are very few 17-year age gap Rs that last (happily) for the very long term, as it's only natural for the much younger partner to eventually feel resentful that they aren't able to enjoy their youth. Things would be different if there was a large age gap but the younger partner was old enough to have experienced life on their own before the R started, maybe in their 40s or so.

 

I agree with this 1000%. You owe it to YOURSELF to make YOURSELF happy. I see too many people my age who have settled for what they think is the best they can get, and I want to scream. I'm proud of you for taking the steps towards independence, I know it took a lot of work to build your self-esteem up to where you could even consider such a thing. You're going to be wonderful by yourself, and I love the fact that you said you feel giddy at the possibility. It makes me so happy for you.

[Onionskin]

I agree with this 1000%. You owe it to YOURSELF to make YOURSELF happy. I see too many people my age who have settled for what they think is the best they can get, and I want to scream. I'm proud of you for taking the steps towards independence, I know it took a lot of work to build your self-esteem up to where you could even consider such a thing. You're going to be wonderful by yourself, and I love the fact that you said you feel giddy at the possibility. It makes me so happy for you.

 

Thank you, ZiggyZoo and Elswyth.

 

I am trying. It’s hard building up self esteem after so many years of not having it.

 

I try to tell myself that this is the best thing for both of us; that it’s either this, or spend the next few decades pretending to be happy when I know inside I’m not. But the guilt… I’m just having so much trouble with it…

 

My stupid cowardice means my leaving will not be as simple as me just packing my bags and him getting another flatmate, but we will lose our home. Neither of us can afford to pay the mortgage on our own. I hate myself, it's all my fault and feel like I should stay out of pure obligation now, wrong as I know that is.

Edited February 25, 2015 by Onionskin