Jump to content

Fiance left gave back ring


Recommended Posts

I'm looking to see the best way to go about getting fiance back if possible. Below is my situation:

 

Ten days ago on Super Bowl night I got a little drunk and had and argument with my fiancé. Our arguments are very quick with no make calling or contact of any kind. Usually with me saying a stupid comment or or talking about something I don't like and she just leaves the room. I usually drink a twelve pack about every other night and have never tried to stop. After argument Sunday she packed her stuff and left with our two year old daughter that night. Monday said she needed to think about things and Tuesday broke of the engagement and left to her parents.

 

To the beginning, We started dating long distance for six months. I'm from up north and she is from florida. I'm 35 she is 30. She got pregnant after six months and moved up to live with me. She didn't like it and got accepted in too rn school In florida so I left my good career, rented my house out and moved down to fl.

 

I feel like everything wrong has been my own fault. I treated her as my mother instead of someone I was in love with a lot of the time and complained about a lot of stupid things. She said she was going to leave more than once over the last year but I didn't believe it. For some reason I would drink sometimes and have small quick arguments over the dumbest thing and she would leave to the bedroom for the night but be fine in the morning I thought. All my fault.

 

It's been 10 days now and I've gone about everything wrong by talking to her and telling her I change and great her right. I haven't touched a drink since she left and will never touch it again. For my daughter and business, not just to get her back. Going to meetings too. Usually I would just drink my sorrow away but that's not an option.

 

She passed her board test on Friday and says she is getting her own house by the end of the month. She did say that even if we were to take it slow and try again she doesn't want to have to be stuck going back to her parents if it didn't work out. Also that she needs space. I have seen her already this week because of our daughter three times. Each time she came back to our house with daughter and stayed for several hours the whole time I'm asking if there is hope for us and telling her I will never drink again which I wont, to much to lose even if she's gone, and I'll be more romantic and she just keeps saying she's still hurt and doesn't know if she can forgive me then I don't know and maybe and there's always hope or we'll see. Never a no I'm done yet. Actually I asked her I if of jokingly in our last conversation, how's the maybe coming along and she said I haven't said no yet.

 

However see doesn't lookme in the eye often and when I touch or hug she sometimes says I shouldn't do that right now. I'm not sure if this is how she really feels or if she is just trying to let me down easy. I'm pretty sure I'm pressuring her and its pushing her away so i haven't bothered with her for two days. She is a truly awesome woman and never did anything wrong to me and I brought this all upon myself. Now I'm in florida with no one here no real things to do but pace around the house we shared with all our stuff still in it and not sure how to proceed. We have to see each other because of our daughter and I can't leave and go back home because of our daughter and a business I just started here. Also I love her and care for her deeply and keep banging my head for ruining the best thing I've ever had.

 

Gonna see my daughter one day during the week and she wants to do something Friday afternnoon then daughter stays with me the night and do something. Saturday as friends with our daughter. She's not seeing anyone that last argument was just the straw that broke the camels back. Not sure how to proceed, try to get over or try to win her back. When I tell her how I feel I get the same, we'll see, I don't know and maybe but that she is definitely moving out.

 

I miss my family and feel rotten it is all my fault. Don't have a single friend in hundreds of miles it was all about my family her family and her friends since I'm not from here. She saw I wasn't eating much and asked me if she could make something but I told her no. She also said if I don't take care of myself there's no chance. So I'm attempting to eat. Lost 15 pounds in ten days. But trying to force myself to eat and started going to the gym. I'm in a lot of heartache and miss her very much along with my daughter. Which as sad as this sounds when my daughter is with me all I can think of is her. She's a very kind woman and I can't imagine life without her but I know this is all my doing which makes it even harder. What do you suggest I do here to keep my sanity and or get her back.

 

Thank you. Brian

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for an easier read
Link to post
Share on other sites

If I were you, I would quit pressuring her and start taking care of yourself. Keep going to meetings and don't drink. Be calm. Show her that she can trust you. If you can do these things consistently, she may take you back. If she doesn't, you'll still be in a hell of a better position than you are now. Good luck!!!

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you for the advice. I guess my post is to long for most to reply. I haven't talked to her in two day but tomorrow we have to see each other. She wants to take our daughter bowling and hangout for a while. She says it to show our daughter that we don't hate each other but she's only two so I don't think she knows what's going on right now. Then I'm keeping her over night while the ex goes out to celebrate passing her nursing boards. She said we can do something Saturday morning or early afternoon too. I'm not going to bring up anything and just go with the flow. Saturday is Valentine's Day so I did get her and my daughter some flowers and a card. Which I almost never did. Do you think this is too much. I'm not going to make a big deal out of it though. So you think I should just sit back and let things be for now. I don't want to force her into saying no instead of the usual maybe or we'll see I've been getting. Anything else I can do for her or on my end to bring her around. Thanks again for the reply.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Wow. Sorry to hear that. My ex was really one of the head to find good ones. Still need some suggestions on what to say or do when we going bowling later today and how to handle tomorrow with the flowers I got for her and I got some for my daughter. I also got a goofy card for my daughter and one for the ex. It just says happy v day. No I love you or anything like that but not sure what to write in it. I talked to her best friends husband last night who I became friends with and he said she's still on the fence and not sure what she wants at this point so every little bit of advice helps. Thanks

Link to post
Share on other sites
I guess my post is to long for most to reply.

Not too long as such, but it's what we call a "wall of text". It's very hard to read because it has no paragraph breaks.

 

It sounds like your head is screwed on right, and you're facing your issues. Just don't talk to her about it. Show her with your actions, that you're a changed man. Don't pressure her and don't try to talk about your relationship, especially when your daughter is around. Just have a good time bowling.

 

It may be that, in time, she sees that you have changed and will want to give things another go. Or maybe she won't. But if you pressure her and don't give her space, then it will harm your chances. Just try to keep it light and show that you are a fun guy and a good father. You don't have to do anything, just carry on what you're doing now. The flowers and cards sound like a good idea, not too over the top, but don't expect anything in return or an immediate result.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

It is very difficult to read as it is as Pete describes a "wall" of text however...

 

You have really messed up. No doubt about it. Now all you can do is give her space and show through your actions that you are a better man.

 

Stop pressurising her. Do not keep asking her to come back just yet.

 

Show her you are working hard at being better for her by

 

1. continuing to refrain from drinking

2. being supportive with the care of your child

3. looking after yourself

4. pay her attention in subtle ways - when she drops your daughter off just comment if she is looking pretty or has done her hair nicely then leave it the trick here is to be very quiet and subtle pay the compliments then leave it and go about what ever you were doing

5. concentrate on your business and work hard at it so she can see that you want to provide for her

6. occasional flowers/ cards are good not just for valentines, perhaps if you find a cute picture of your daughter and get it framed or made into a print for her, if you see a book she might enjoy reading or something similar just pick it up and give it to her with the phrase "I saw this and thought of you", it could be anything from a pretty hand picked flower or picture or a pastry she likes. remember to do the same with your daughter too

7. BE TRUSTWORTHY if she asks you to be somewhere at a certain time be 5 minutes early

8. BE RELIABLE if she has worries or concerns ask if you can help and then do what she asks (within reason)

9. LISTEN and respond

10. accept responsibility for your actions, this does not mean apologising all the time. It means making sure it doesn't happen again and acknowledging that you had to do something about it and are doing something about it.

 

You are going to have to go right back to basics, right back to when you first started dating and start all over again if you want her back.

 

Take your time and rebuild the trust. Having lived with a heavy drinker who didn't think he had a problem I can tell you it is HELL. From the other persons perspective it makes life a living nightmare. You never know what they are going to do. Mine got jolly at a family do once and had been quiet all afternoon then suddenly lifted my top up in front of my entire family and all their friends and shouted "whoo hoo titties!". I was mortified and so ashamed. Being with him was like walking on a knife edge all the time. You just never knew if you were going to get nice, nasty or completely inappropriate behaviour. The drink killed our sex life, killed any form of feelings I had for him. I also kept telling him and trying to talk to him but he didn't listen until it was far too late.

 

Good luck OP. I hope this is the kick up the backside that gets you on the right path as you seem like a decent chap.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for the advise and I will definitely put some breaks I. While writing.

 

I'll make sure to try and do my best to just keep cool and relax even though my heart is pounding right now just thinking about this afternoon. Is there anyway to calm down a bit before we meet up?

 

Also I did get the flowers and card for tomorrow when she picks up the baby but I'm not sure what to write in it. I don't want to sound pushy or pathetic but do what to show I care deeply about her and our family.

 

Thanks for the help. The first week after she left I think I did everything wrong so hoping I didn't do anything to screw it up even more. I just feel so heartbroken knowing it was all my fault and I might lose the best thing Ive ever had.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So a little update on today.

 

Instead of bowling we ended up going to chucky cheese so our daughter could play a little. I think things went really well. She was happy and having fun the whole time. Joking around we bet who pays for a first date on a game of skyball.

 

This brought up the relationship which I wasn't trying to do but went with the flow. I mentioned going to a concert that she likes and at first she was for it but I told her it was next week and she said that was too soon but began looking for others down the road. She said it was too soon so I dropped the subject and she mentioned we need to take baby steps. She was happy with what I was doing to improve myself but also mentioned not to get my hopes up too much because she still doesn't know where this is going.

 

She also mentioned that she still wants to get her own place and that things were not the same. So I said they will never be the same because I will put her first and we need to start I over like a new relationship if we did try again. She just kept saying baby steps first and that we'll see what happens.

 

On the flip side she did say she wants to do things right now but only with the baby. This is confusing because part of the problems we had were I never wanted to do things without the baby. We did agree to go to Disneylworld the week after next. We live only an hour away so it's just a day trip.

 

I think there's still some hope here as she still says we'll see and baby steps and it's still too soon.

 

What is your opinion on how to proceed?

 

I did get flowers for her and my daughter tomorrow along with cards. Card for her says Happy Valentines Day but I don't know what to write on the card. I don't want to sound pushy or pathetic so please give suggestions. I'm not good at the writing that kind of stuff so any help would be appreciated.

 

Also, she borrowed one of my phone chargers because she lost hers and we watched her favorite show for an hour when we came home. These mixed signals drive me crazy. Do you think she really is only doing this for our daughter or should I still fight for this relationship.

 

Thanks

Brian

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hey. As good as yesterday was today was bad.

I gave her the flowers amd card when she came to pick the baby up. It did not go well. She said she didn't want th at that yesterday was a mistake. She did have a tear coming down as she read the card. She left in a hurry.

After she left I felt like **** that I upset her and called to let her know I didn't mean to upset her and told her I hoped this didn't ruin the day before and said all the same stuff I said to her a week ago that I stopped talking about. This Valentine's Day just brought back all the same feelings and emotions so I made the mistake of talking about my feelings for her and such.

So she said maybe we shouldn't hang out with the baby and it should just be the baby and I. I think I'm back to square one. She said she can forgive but not sure if she can forget. And this is right after yesterday talking about baby steps and such.

I just really hope I didn't Kill my chance if I still had one by getting her the flowers and talking about the chance stuff. Even though she was upset and not happy she did still say she wasn't sure about the future and said she doesn't know about us from this point.

I'm going back to just talking about the baby and drop offs or pick ups and not going to bring anything up again period. Just going to give her the space and time she asks for I guess. Talking today was the biggest mistake I made so far. Hopefully it's a one step forward and two step back deal.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yea I know what you mean but just Saturday she was talking about taking baby steps and a future first date to a new relationship. We were also talking about going to Disneylworld with our daughter in a week or two. Very confusing.

 

She also had a tear coming down when she read the card but said I shouldn't have done it. I thought it was just a nice gesture but she took it as me pushing her. Which I'm not trying to do.

 

I think I need to give her time and space and see what happens from there. I do care a lot about her and having my family together. Just can't figure out how to get her off my mind for even a few minutes. It's been two weeks now and I can't see any end in sight to this pain and anguish specially since I have to see her and talk to her about our daughter. It's also not fair to our daughter because all I think about is the ex while I'm with her

 

Have to figure out someway to get through this. Thanks. Just writing helps a little bit.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So today was as bad as the first day. I really don't know how to get over losing her and now becoming a weekend dad instead of an everyday dad.

I feel like I've lost everything important to me in the blink of an eye. And have failed at being a father and man. My daughter deserved to have a real family.

 

I had a dream this morning that I was holding my daughter and when I woke up and she wasn't it really made me break down. I hate talking like this as a man but I have to share it with somebody. I had some really bad crazy thoughts in my head after that. It seems to hit the hardest in the morning for some reason.

Saturday was the last day I'm contacting her about anything other than our daughter. I just have to or I'm going to really lose my mind. I just hope someday I can have a chance to have my family back but I know it isn't happening anytime soon.

How does everyone go through losing this much. I've had girlfriends and broke up but it never felt like this.

 

I just can't see how to work on this no contact if I have to see her three or four times a week to exchange the baby.

 

As sad as it sounds I can't even figure out how to focus on my daughter after seeing her bring my daughter. It throws me for a loop the rest of the day even more than the days I don't see her which are hard enough.

Edited by Flabreakup
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry I haven't been back only just seen this.

 

The valentines card was a mistake. I am sorry but she is very very nervous right now and that was pressure.

 

Please do not talk about the relationship with her. You are going to have to charm her as though she is a woman you don't know.

 

What you need to do is look after yourself and show her that you can be responsible etc. Its not going to happen over night and may take months.

 

When you meet up to take the little one out ask if there is anything you can do to help her move into her new place. I know it sounds back to front but that is showing that you respect her decision and that you are trying to support her. She is saying baby steps. It really is tiny tiny steps that you need to take.

 

Its ok. You are going to be confused and messed up for a while. Which is why its so important to concentrate on making yourself the better man that you want to be. Take deep breaths every time you start over thinking and ask yourself. What would the man you want to be do in this situation? How would he deal with it. Then be that man.

 

I know its horrible. You can get through this. You can do this. I don't know which way it will go but at the moment you really need to concentrate on yourself so you can be in a good place for your little one.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks. It really helps to get someone on the outsides opinion.

 

She doesn't have a new place yet but has an interview tomorrow for a nursing job at a hospital. I'll be getting the baby. I think she is waiting to get hired before moving. But you really think I should help? She has a dad and brother and friends so it might be weird me hanging out while she's moving out and my heart is breaking. If it will help I will but not really sure it does.

 

I'm really trying this working on me. Going to meetings everyday. Not drinking a sip. Even though I had dreams about beer last night. Every time I close my eyes it's either dreams about her my daughter or drinking. I think this is why the mornings are the absolute worst. I did join the gym but have to force myself to go.

 

just not sure how to get all these negative emotions away. Yesterday was really a low point. It's been two weeks and I'm a man that has never cried over anything and it happens every day now it seems. The first week and a half was about her. The last few days have been about failing my daughter. I even called a hotline last night just to talk for a few minutes. I had some bad bad thoughts about myself and my life and it's purpose. Or lack there of. About some other guy eventually getting more time than me with my own daughter. Just terrible things. They went away after just a few minutes though and the rest of the night I was ok. Trying to stay in control but it's hard. Thanks again.

Edited by Flabreakup
Link to post
Share on other sites

Its all natural and normal. Its a massive upheaval and its sounds as though you are fighting an addiction as well as trying to get your fiancé back. That is a heck of a lot of battles to be fighting at one time.

 

If you don't feel comfortable helping her to move in to her new place perhaps you could pack up some of her things ready with her? Offer to have the babe while she gets sorted out so she can spend time getting straight. Another kind thing you could do is a "moving in pack", just a small box that has essentials easy to hand a loo roll, pint of milk, some tea bags, couple of mugs, spoon and some cleaning bits and a couple of snacks. Means she can have a drink and do "essential" things with out having to worry which box she put it in. Can you look after the baby while she has interviews perhaps?

 

I know this is really painful. Keep up with those meetings. Keep it together at work.

 

I know this is difficult but you have to become a "whole" man again if you have any chance of getting her back. That is not going to happen over night.

 

This is about ways in which you can prove to her that you have changed, the change is permanent and that you will be there for her. You have to calm down the romance for the time being and then very very gently re-introduce it. That is why if you compliment her you must move the subject on to something else or just walk away before it becomes a discussion. Its got to be very gentle, very slow and absolutely no pressure. No asking out on dates yet, no romance just very simple, gentle compliments such as "you look pretty today" every now and then. Do not offer up these compliments if you can't change the discussion or easily walk away. Pay attention to your baby, compliment her parenting skills that you like.

 

At least this way you have a chance of getting her back and if you don't, at least you have a chance of walking away with some dignity and rebuilding your life again. If you don't like the gym join a squash/ tennis club or something else that is healthy and getting you/ keeping you fit. Do not curl up in the corner no matter how bad you feel.

 

Sometimes the bravest thing to do is to live... get up, get that life of yours back and keep going. Its the only way out of this mess. Your little one deserves a father.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

My daughter definitely deserves a good father and that part of why lately I've felt like I've failed her already. She only two and a half and Ive screwed up her life already. All on me and no one else. This woman would have loved me forever if I treated her right.

 

I will be watching the baby tomorrow while she's interviewing and stuff. I'm getting her at least two days a week.

 

Which doesn't seem fair. I was there for her just as much as her mother and now I'm relegated to two days a week. She was her family friends and the baby. I'm in her state with no friends or family but can't leave because of a business and my daughter. I seem trapped and heartbroken and failure all at the same time.

 

I'll continue to not bother her. Havent since Saturday but will see her tomorrow and I know it's going to be a bad day even with my daughter. Would love to just get her out of my mind at least while I have the little one.

 

I'll put all the things you suggested to work as best I can and go from there. Just hope I can hold it together long enough to be a man again one day. Doesn't seem possible at the moment. Thanks again

Link to post
Share on other sites

Flabreakup,

I am not responding to your original post but your more recent posts.

 

I may eventually write my story on here but have not yet.

 

Without going into details and hijacking your thread with my story, I will say my gf of 6 years just left me. I slept at my parents's house last night for the first time in years. I am now 33 so this is not where I want to be in my life. Anyway, we have a 2 year old together and my world is torn apart.

 

I am having horrible thoughts too. I really don't want to live anymore. I am in horrific horrible pain and don't knowbif I am strong enough to overcome this.

 

Like you, the morning is horrible, I was used to waking up with my son every morning and playing with him.

 

I just want you to know I am another person dealing with similar pain to yourself at this exact moment. Life is really really really bad right now. I'm not quite sure what the future holds but at the moment I pray that somehow I will die because the pain hurts so much.

Link to post
Share on other sites
My daughter definitely deserves a good father and that part of why lately I've felt like I've failed her already. She only two and a half and Ive screwed up her life already. All on me and no one else. This woman would have loved me forever if I treated her right.

 

I will be watching the baby tomorrow while she's interviewing and stuff. I'm getting her at least two days a week.

 

Which doesn't seem fair. I was there for her just as much as her mother and now I'm relegated to two days a week. She was her family friends and the baby. I'm in her state with no friends or family but can't leave because of a business and my daughter. I seem trapped and heartbroken and failure all at the same time.

 

I'll continue to not bother her. Havent since Saturday but will see her tomorrow and I know it's going to be a bad day even with my daughter. Would love to just get her out of my mind at least while I have the little one.

 

I'll put all the things you suggested to work as best I can and go from there. Just hope I can hold it together long enough to be a man again one day. Doesn't seem possible at the moment. Thanks again

 

You will only have failed your daughter if you stop going to the meetings. You will only fail your daughter if you stop looking after yourself so that you are able to look after her.

 

You have not failed your daughter yet. Keep going one step at a time and take one day at a time.

 

Its very early days. To regain the trust will take months. Keep going. I know its going to be tough and its going to be hard work but it will be worth it in the end. Not only will you be sober but you will also be the best Dad you can be. Don't give up, not this time.

 

Come on Deathsdoor. Get up and start re-building.

 

You can both get through this.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you. I just got back from a meeting and will try to eat something soon. Had a hamburger yesterday at least. I can tell you the eating has gotten better. The first week I couldn't even swallow but at least now I can get it down when I do eat.

 

I know it is very early and some days are better than others. Have my daughter tomorrow but also have to see her so not sure how I'll feel. Haven't talked texted or checked Facebook since Saturday and the urge to do so comes and goes so I'll take these tiny tiny steps as improvement.

 

I felt like I wanted to die just last night but the feeling did fade after talking with someone for just a few minutes. I just think hats the easy way out. In my situation I know it was 100% my own fault so that's a tough part but it does get somewhat easier every day. Your child just like mine deserves at least the chance to have a normal life and I know taking your own can cross your mind but it's never that bad

 

Tomorrow will come and in time, a lot of time this will all feel like a dream I hope. I'm still holding onto the slightest chance she will come back but we need to work on the assumption they will not and think about our own future right now. I'm definitely the wrong person to give advise right now as the first two weeks have been the worst I can ever remember but I do believe my higher power is watching over me and has a plan. Writing your feelings helps too. Lot of good people on here to listen

Hope things get better for you

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Well yesterday so a pretty good day. Had a bunch of stuff to do then went to the gym. Just keep busy. Could actually eat so not bad. Today was Thursday total opposite. My heart has been pounding since I've got up. I have to go see her in just a few minutes to pick the baby up and it's just so hard not to try to explain things. I know it won't help and I'm not going to but doesn't change my love for her and the feeling of losing my daughter.

 

So many bad thoughts. F I only had one small chance to make things right I would cherish every second. But I know it's not going to happen now and maybe ever. Just really down and hating myself. But thanks for asking. I know someone's out there thinking about me at least

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So my picking up my daughter went really well. The ex has an interview today so I wished her good luck. Didn't get into any I love you or take me back stuff.

 

Except a strange note. One of her friends who's kind of promiscuous and who's husband went to jail ( never hung out with the husband he's not the kind of people my ex or I would associate with and we're not that kind of low life people) and has been commenting on just about every little post I put on Facebook. My ex asked about it and I almost never say anything back but she said she doesn't trust her because her husband is gone. Probably reading too much into it but sounds like she doesn't want me talking to other woman or maybe just that one. Her exact words were I don't trust her because she's all alone now.

 

I would never do something like that though specially when I'm trying to get her love back. I know few girls are here but I know I'm not ready and that would be a fatal mistake while there's still a chance.

 

We did also talk about maybe doing something next week with Khloe so not sure how I should proceed. Everyone on here preaches no contact but with a baby it's impossible and if she wants to talk I think it's a bad idea to blow her off

 

She sells these thirty one handbags. So I offered to put some on the gym counter for the ladies to look at while their running. I'm not pushing anything anymore just trying to show I care without going over the top. Do you think these are good steps or ideas? Thanks Brian

Edited by Flabreakup
Link to post
Share on other sites

Is that woman a close friend?

 

If not - block her on facebook.

 

If she is then delete her comments and ask her not to comment so much as its causing problems. If she doesn't stop then go back to the delete/ block route.

 

This is actually a good sign but it needs to be "controlled" in the right way for it to be positive.

 

You need to make it clear that you are not interested in other women at all and that you are concentrating on what you need to do to make the relationship work and be the man that you both want you to be.

 

Be very careful with facebook.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Offering to help promote the handbags is good and also going out together with your daughter is good.

 

No contact is when you are in a break up that is broken and you need to move on.

 

In your case you need to regain trust in order to save your relationship. No contact at all in your case would destroy it completely. You just need to be very careful and very gentle and regain trust. Do not under any circumstances try to bull doze your way back in. You need to let her come to you. You need to keep contact up to some extent but also give her space and time away from you. She needs to learn how to miss you.

 

Think of it in terms of if you chase the chicken it will run away, if you run away from the chicken it will run after you... but its not going to run after you if you are not shaking a bucket of grain!!! Trust and stability is the "grain". She needs to see it and you need to show her that there is grain in the bucket but it needs to be done slowly or she will run.

 

It is a bad idea to blow her off if she wants to talk but you need to keep it very gentle, very simple and no pressure. Your position needs to be that you want her back, you understand why she has left, you accept responsibility for why she has left and you are doing something about it so if she wants to come back you can be the best man possible for her and if she doesn't come back you can still be the best father for your daughter.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...