the no contact and coldness still got me a chance but i don't know if i should takeit

[calgary]

hi everyone,

 

I was talking to a girl who is studying about an hours drive away from here, she came home and we spent christmas together and it went amazingly. I asked her to be my girlfriend and she asked me to see how things went first when she moved back out there.

 

I tried to make a few plans but she kept bailing and being cold with me as soon as she moved back, i was pretty upset so i gave her some space and didn't contact her for a few days, i've not really spoken to her properly over the last week.

 

We spoke on the phone last night and she told me she doesn't think it'll work out whilst she's out there as it's like she's in a different world now she's back.

I was upset but i just agreed it would be hard and we're in different places.

I explained the best thing for me to do would be to push her out of my life completely as it would help me to get on with my life and she really did not want me to do that she practically begged me not to do it.

 

She told me she has my number and that she'll be home in a few weeks and she'll get in contact to see if i'd like to do anything and it'd be just the same in person as it was last time she was here. she said we connected really well and it would be a shame to totally give up on it.

 

My problem is , is that i'm pretty territorial . I guess what she's saying is that we should see other people whilst she's away but then get back together when she is home ?

 

I just don't know if i could still see her in a romantic sense and go to her parents etc knowing she's probably been with somebody else?

 

she said she'll call me tonight after work to talk about it properly. I don't know what to say or do and was wondering what other people would say or do in this situation?

 

Thanks !

[melonmint57]

We spoke on the phone last night and she told me she doesn't think it'll work out whilst she's out there as it's like she's in a different world now she's back.

I was upset but i just agreed it would be hard and we're in different places.

I explained the best thing for me to do would be to push her out of my life completely as it would help me to get on with my life and she really did not want me to do that she practically begged me not to do it.

 

 

It sounds to me that she may be interested in pursuing something with someone else where she is living, but also doesn't want to lose you. I could be wrong, but I don't think it's fair for you to be exposed to the unknown like that. You'll be thinking about it constantly and it's not healthy. I definitely don't blame you saying you would have a hard time knowing she had potentially been with other guys.

[erklat]

Any answer on that question short of delightful yes means no.

 

'we should meet when I get back' is basically as if she said no then.

 

I don't see where you got a chance and where are you cold? From

the way you wrote you sound pretty clingy.

[elaine567]

I guess what she's saying is that we should see other people whilst she's away but then get back together when she is home ?

 

Yes that is exactly what she is saying.

She is trying to make sure when she is at home she has someone to do things with and someone to take her out.

 

It is a win win for her and a lose lose for you, as you will be seen in your home town as her "boyfriend", whilst she is free to do whatever she wants whilst not at home.

YOU are going to be the one patiently waiting at home, not moving on with your life, whilst she is free to play the field at college.

 

One day you will receive a text saying she is not coming home as planned and that she has found someone wonderful in college and can you be happy for her and will you still be her friend???!!

[erklat]

Lol and so very true.

[calgary]

she called me, she told me she's still going to contact me when she's home. I said my good bye and removed all contact with her. I am going to miss her but I feel like I made the right decision. Time to recover and hope my brain can switch off from the situation as soon as possible. Thanks for all the advice.

[calgary]

i'm just going to vent here and keep updating my progression.

 

Right now i feel really sad, i suppose it's only really been 24 hours since i said good bye so it's natural for my brain to be my worst enemy and remind me of how good things were. it keeps making me feel guilty as i think i maybe over reacted. She was honest with me from the start, telling me to see how things went when she got back and she was truthful that she didn't believe it would work , plus probably more realistic than me. I shouldn't have let myself get too attached knowing that it would become difficult when she left.

 

i quite admire her for that. Plus she really does want to see me and keep me in her life. I feel like out of site out of mind works best for me though and staying no contact is the best thing for me as hard as it seems right now..

 

Like i said my mind is my worst enemy and it's making me ask myself questions like ' is she ok? is she thinking about this constantly like me? is she upset that i said good bye for good? ' and it's all bad for me, i need to accept that all of this is irrelevant now and progress with my life , but i suppose it's only natural to grieve loss and reminiscence the good times when it is so fresh and probably healthy to get it out and over with as soon as possible. i suppose this post would be better in the ' coping ' section.

 

I won't break no contact. it's just an open and honest essay of how my brain is reacting to the loss of something i didn't want to lose . Hopefully it won't take too long to pass. I'm trying to keep busy and not think these silly thoughts but of course it's difficult and hard to concentrate on other important things in my life.

 

i guess this is what this site is for.. to let out what i'm feeling inside, rather than burden the people close to me. it allows me to be a strong person in person and let out all of my weakness' here . and hopefully get some productive and progressive feedback.

[fromheart]

Yes, you've done the right thing. You want her to be your girl, she doesn't want to get that close. Its not clear what she wants, but she doesn't want that.

 

You can't just hang out and be friends because always you will be wanting something more. She's got the control in that situation, and you're at her beck and call. Anything she gives you at that point, are just breadcrumbs and not what you want to hear.

It really is best not to hear from her at all. You've done the right thing and have your respect.

[mightycpa]

Well, while you're thinking about things, you should think about why you get so invested so quickly in somebody.

 

She seems very practical, and she seems to like you. You seem to be all clingy, and in response to a very grown-up and reasonable request, you're tossing what could very well be a future relationship out the window because you want everything from her right now, under some of the worst circumstances you could have to build a strong relationship.

 

In other words, she's practical, but you're not. Doesn't sound like a match made in heaven.

[calgary]

thank you both for your opinions / responses.

 

I feel like no contact was the right thing to do to move on, to stop myself from embarrassing myself ( begging, looking desperate, clingy/needy) i just bowed out of her life and left it on good terms. I told her i'd like to close the book on a good note because all is well that ends well. I was just wondering out of curiosity if anybody maybe thought saying 'good bye' after she said it wouldn't work made me look weak by any chance? not that it really matters. I'm not wondering it for reconciliation purposes but more so my self pride.

 

I do feel guilty about it .

 

Mightycpa maybe you're right about the fact she likes me and there's a possibility of a future relationship but like i said, (and maybe this makes me look clingy) i am territorial and i couldn't stand the thought of her seeing others and then coming back to me when it suits. I am not practical and she is you're absolutely right, it's how i live my life i'm an all or nothing kind of person and where there's a will there's a way. I was the one willing to make the effort to constantly travel and see her and spend a lot of money doing so. She didn't want me to do that ( i never did once) i just offered a few times. I agree the circumstances weren't great to build a relationship and i did get too attached too soon. I couldn't help that though the connection we had made me really happy i really enjoyed spending time with her.

 

I feel like if she contacts me in a few weeks offering to meet up i'd really enjoy myself with her because there's really good chemistry in person, but then i'd have to let go again and i don't know if those few moments of happiness with her would be worth going through the grieving process all over again. But then again if the night went well enough maybe i could get the ' i miss you i want to make things work' words out of her mouth. (everyone knows how unlikely and rare that is though) in reality she'd probably just sit there waiting for me to say those words first and then hit me hard for the sake of an ego boost right? Or that's what i'm getting from reading other peoples stories.

 

I don't even know if i'd still look at her in the same way knowing she may have been intimate with other people.

the innocence would be lost. I told her that before i said goodbye anyway. She seemed mad that i said that as you can imagine.

 

In other news, i bumped into a girl i knew years ago last night, she looked pretty nice, we got chatting and i invited her out for drinks next week and we're just planning it at the moment. If anything it's boosted my confidence and distracted me, it may be a bad idea i don't know. But it's keeping me busy chatting to her.

 

I feel okay today, i'm not upset . I feel like the no contact was empowering and if i break it i'll feel weak. and i don't feel weak or embarrassed or desperate because i haven't behaved that way. I do miss her though and wish she didn't give up on me. but that's the reality and i can't try and change how she feels.. all i can do is change the way i feel and progress.

[calgary]

another update,

 

After reading a lot of other threads i watched a film called swingers tonight, really recommend it.

 

Just fighting my brain really, i get sad around a certain time of day and then feel okay again. I still feel confident i've done the right thing.

[calgary]

feeling weak as i approach a week of nc.

 

i feel really upset that this has happened but accepting reality is part of moving forward i suppose.

 

There's nothing I could do / can do other than that. I would have loved to have made things work.

 

I guess i told her goodbye, so i shouldn't expect to hear from her but i was still kind of hoping she would miss me and try to make things work. that wasn't the case and was silly of me to think/hope. It's not what i went no contact for . I guess everybody in no contact wants that call / message. I don't want to contact her still.

 

It's just a weak moment i'm sure it'll pass. I just haven't gone this long without talking to her and I'm starting to miss her.

[Kinetica84]

This girl wants her cake and eat it bruv. Let her go and finf someone who wants to give you their time and effort.

[Elle1975]

Seems to me like she's just not that interested. She declined your offer to be your girlfriend.

 

It also seems like you're blowing what you two had out of proportion. You feel in love, she didn't.

 

Let it go.

[dumbass2]

Hey Calgary I'm sorry if I missed it somewhere, but how long were you dating this girl?

[calgary]

Hey Calgary I'm sorry if I missed it somewhere, but how long were you dating this girl?

 

hey she's only really been in my life around 4 months

[dumbass2]

how long have you 2 been physically dating and intimate for? Your initial post made it sound like you were just talking to this girl and actually got together with her for the first time at Christmas.

[calgary]

how long have you 2 been physically dating and intimate for? Your initial post made it sound like you were just talking to this girl and actually got together with her for the first time at Christmas.

 

Yeah that's right. She was here in person for roughly a month.

[dumbass2]

Ok then, it does sound like you moved in for the boyfriend/girlfriend commitment too fast, especially at your young age. You even said that you are very "territorial" and you might want to look at that going forward. I did the same thing with my ex (we are a lot older than you guys) after a little more than 2 months of dating and seeing each other a lot and I think I was feeling about the same because she was very attractive and had so many qualities I loved and I did not want to take the chance of her dating or being with someone else because we did meet on a dating site, so I was insecure at the time.

 

You have to try and let things develop naturally and not rush to commitment and labels so fast. It is obvious that she does not want that label and to have a commitment with you or probably anyone at this point in her life. She wants to date and be able to see what's out there and not be pinned down. If you can find the ability to back off and give her space and make her not feel threatened with commitment, then you can try and keep in casual contact, but you have to go out and date other people as well. It doesn't sound like you will be able to do that because of your feelings for her and you can't "just " be friends because of of those feelings which are different then hers at this point. Based on the very little I know about you, i think you are infatuated with her more than you are "in love" with her. My opinion is that it takes a little time to get to know someone to know that it is love and not infatuation or lust. You have to let the "honeymoon" period run it's course and then that's when you start dealing with the issues and find out if you are truly in love or not.

 

This girl knows how you feel and that you will probably do anything for her so you give her the control if you want one thing and she wants something else that you do not want to do. If you allow her to stay in your life at all, it will be on her terms at this point.

 

Just move on and go complete NC with her and find someone else that you like and likes you, but is looking for the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship right now. Girls you meet may like you a lot, but don't want to rush into things, so don't let it get you down, but take things slower and just see where they go in the future with whoever you start dating again.

 

Just my 2 cents

[calgary]

Thank you so much for your 2 cents, I really appreciate it.

 

Regarding asking her to be my girlfriend, she kept hinting at it for a while, she'd get drunk and accidentally call me her boyfriend etc. Her parents kept calling me her boyfriend and we'd get embarassed etc. We had this really nice day together and she was holding my hand on the walk back and she grabbed me and kissed me and i felt like i should have asked her to be my girlfriend at that point, she was really quiet with me the whole way home and i presumed it was because i hadn't done. so i asked her when we got back and that's when she told me to see how things go when she leaves.

 

she said her self she didn't expect to connect with me like she did. I don't know what we both expected, i just wanted to go for food with her when she got home, she kept implying it was a date. I knew before i took her out it couldn't work out because of the distance but i didn't let it stop me.. the more time we spent together the more couple like we started behaving.

 

I do need to work on the territorial thing, I have casually seen other girls in the passed and not felt upset about it. But I do feel upset about it with her, i don't want a casual relationship like that with her so i have no choice but to walk away.

 

I do need to just move on, i think i've just started to come out of the numb stage and now it's just emotions and acceptance of reality hitting me.

 

I'm still proud that I haven't broken no contact since she said it wouldn't work, i haven't begged or pleaded or cried or anything. I just bowed out gracefully and removed her from all social media.

 

I guess you're right, she's got the control and it's all in her terms if she does stay in my life.. that's why she's not in my life and i said goodbye. It's just starting to sting.

[Elle1975]

When I hear "territorial", I picture a dog pissing all over the place. Some people see it as a positive macho trait, personally it's a turn off. You can be a man without being overly possessive.

 

You are just inexperienced, and that's okay. Just stop dwelling on the "coulda woulda", and go on with your life.

[calgary]

When I hear "territorial", I picture a dog pissing all over the place. Some people see it as a positive macho trait, personally it's a turn off. You can be a man without being overly possessive.

 

You are just inexperienced, and that's okay. Just stop dwelling on the "coulda woulda", and go on with your life.

 

i'd rather turn her off than be accepting of her seeing other guys and then coming back to me. I find that a huge turn off.

 

I feel like i'm doing fine. I've felt a bit sad this weekend. But i haven't broken no contact and i still don't feel the need to. I think it's acceptable to have a weak moment here or there and there's no better place to let it out than here.

[calgary]

day 11 nc.

 

I didn't even bring her up the conversation with a friend, he just said ' heard things didn't work out with you and her and i don't know if this helps but i heard she hooked up with her ex she's still in love with whilst you two were seeing each other. ' I explained it didn't really help and it kind of hurt and then changed the conversation quickly.

 

I'm so angry because i know exactly when this happened, i still saw her later that night after she'd been with him and she was all over me. I feel disgusted.

 

I guess it will help me get over her faster.. the more nc i've gone through the more red flags i've been looking back at..

 

I'm just so mad, she still let me do all the things I did for her after she'd slept with another guy whilst she was seeing me.

 

I pray to god i don't get a breadcrumb or i'll probably explode all this anger on her . I actually felt like breaking no contact to erupt over the phone and then hang up. I feel like i need to let it out. (but of course i'll stay strict nc)

 

I always try so hard to be nice to people and they do stuff like this.

 

I'm scared the world will change me, i want to be open and loving and kind and giving, it makes me feel good about myself to look after people i think a lot of. But it always seems to come back and spit in my face and fill me full or regret, shame and embarrassment.

 

I'm so glad i just agreed to part ways with her and never begged or pleaded. I should really keep up the nc , but i some how feel like i've broken it by hearing this from my friend, i've asked them all not to talk about it anymore.

 

I try not to talk about my problems in person. Sometimes accidents like this happen though.

 

I'm not back to square one. If anything i feel like this has helped me to let go even more. It's still constantly on my mind.. but instead of feeling miserable for the loss, i feel bitter and angry towards my wasted efforts.

 

I know people say i need to feel indifferent towards my ex's but i often feel like the anger and hatred helps me recover quicker. I can't forgive people who disrespect me, use me for my kindness or take advantage of me in anyway, not just ex's , anybody in general.

[calgary]

day 14 nc.

 

Why is my brain obsessing over a girl i hate and want nothing more to do with?

 

I can 100% say i never want to see her again. But i can't help but feel angry about all of this.

 

Whilst she's off chasing somebody else i'm left feeling sorry for myself, confused, bitter and struggling to see other girls because i'm scared of getting messed around again .

 

Why can't i let go and move on and forget about it and she can? it's not fair.

 

I just want to forget and progress and i can't. It's so irritating for me. It occupies my every other thought and i can't concentrate on anything for more than 15 mins without thinking about all of this. It's my brain , not her that i'm mad at right now. Is it natural to feel this way?

[Elle1975]

Well, from what you told us, she declined your offer to be your girlfriend, so whilst I can understand your frustration, you never had "dibs" on her.

 

You can make better choices by giving your heart to someone who is as dedicated as you are, minus the territorial thing, because it will not help with your desire to be "open, loving, kind, and giving".

 

It's okay to be giving, but don't squander it away either.