NC experience #2 (Updates)

[lovebug_5858]

Okay, so I'm not sure if any of you will remember me but I posted a whole NC experience thread a while back starting in June. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/483913-when-did-you-really-give-up-hope It ended in November I believe. My ex and I got back together around November and I just didn't feel the need to post anymore.

 

We got back together because I really believed his approach to be honest... I guess I'll start from the beginning.

 

We started dating in Dec of 2010. We were very happy in the beginning (As all couples are) and we would always get through our fights without breaking up. But then the fights starting pouring in and it was just a lot of pressure on both our ends I suppose. We broke up for a few months and I went out and experienced life, the way I never did when we were together. I went out, I drank, (maybe a little too much, but I was just really hurt..) I took our break up very hard. We reconciled a while after and he found out about my drinking and going out which caused so much turmoil for us. He said I went completely against our morals and respect for us, but we weren't even together? Since then, its been an uphill battle and we could not figure out how to make things work. So we called it quits again, (my first NC experience) and that was very very painful for me.

 

He came back only after I completely rejected him... but things went well. We were so happy. We were almost back to our old selves.. but that only lasted for about 3 months. When he found out.. well after I told him I danced to a song... with a gay man. LITERALLY this is what broke us, he couldn't believe I hadn't mentioned it before (it happened in Sept while we were separated and I was on a trip in another country)He said so many mean things to me... Like he didn't know what to think of me... I'm probably a whore... Who knows what other things I've done. I was visiting his place, 2 hours away, so I just left. He told me he didn't care for me the way he did. I didn't turn him on, I was just matter to him.

 

It crushed me. It's been a week... Its not as hard as before but it is still hard. I don't know why... I cant understand why it is so hard for me to leave behind someone who I know is no good for me. He hurts me so much... But I cannot deny my love for him.

He told me he understands I am 100% committed to him.. but that he is open to new people. That just made me feel so terrible and sad inside.

 

Isn't this what everyone wants? Someone who is 100% committed?

ANYWAYS. I will be sharing my 2nd NC experience from this guy with you all because I found it very uplifting the first time, and even reading it helps me sometimes. So here we go guys, DAY 1. (I saw him tonight, its a long story as of why, but we laid everything out and we are further away from each-other than we've ever been).

 

I know its really over. I feel it. Its been too much. Its been 4 years of this. it needs to be over. and I need to open myself to the idea that someone better is out there... but it hurts me to think he thinks someone better than me is out there... why do I feel this way. I know I sound stupid, as we all do and all the readers always think LET IT GO! THERE IS SOMEONE BETTER. but its one thing saying that, and one thing being in this spot.

Edited February 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs please!.~T

[lovebug_5858]

No matter how much I say I want it to be over for good... I still want him. I still miss him.

[lovebug_5858]

His sister and I are very close, and she went through the same thing with her boyfriend but it was much worse but they ended up back together and are so happy now... and I thought that we could be happy as well. I really did have faith in us. I guess that's why it hurts so much.

[BC1980]

So he broke up with you because you danced with a gay man? Am I reading this correctly?

[lovebug_5858]

You are reading it correctly. He said all this stuff about how it goes back to everything I've done before... Which is literally going out with friends while we broke up the first time. It was all so stupid when I spoke with him last night he told me about how he went somewhere and saw these couples dancing and it reminded him of what I've done and he was happy we were not together anymore.

[wicksee]

I just want to say that i understand your turmoil.

I'm in NC too, for 3 weeks now (although she has emailed me but i've ignored it).

 

I think about her all the time, whenever i have a spare minute, there she is. I am completely torn between being desperate to talk to her, and knowing that as soon as I do, my emotions will go crazy and i'll come out of it being very hurt, and having to start all over again.

 

I have now had to come off of FB altogether; we have many mutual friends so even though we've blocked each other, i still get to see pics of her that others have posted, all happy and smiley. i just can't cope with that. i fall in love with her again every time i see her pic.

[BC1980]

You are reading it correctly. He said all this stuff about how it goes back to everything I've done before... Which is literally going out with friends while we broke up the first time. It was all so stupid when I spoke with him last night he told me about how he went somewhere and saw these couples dancing and it reminded him of what I've done and he was happy we were not together anymore.

 

That sounds like such a silly reason to break it off. It sounds like he's just looking for any reason.

[lovebug_5858]

That's what I think too... And so does my mom. It just seems like a way to get out.

[lovebug_5858]

This is killing me!!!!! I'm feeling everything I did the first time around and so much stronger.i can't concentrate. His words just keep replaying in my head and my eyes get watery... I'm in class at the moment and I just have my head down fighting tears. I'm going to call to look into counseling or therapy today because this isn't okay. This isn't normal. I can't be dying over someone who completely disregards my emotions and furthermore stomps all over my heart... Why is this hurting so bad. I wish I had never met him. I should have seen the signs this time that things would not last.

 

They were all there. Even when he would be in the wrong his attitude was always " well if you don't want to be with me I understand" or " if it's meant to be it'll work out later maybe"

He didn't care for me... Or us... Not even from the beginning. I was just there to cure his lonely life and empty apartment.

[Ouchouchouch]

that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life. Leave him in the dust, that is no excuse.

[lovebug_5858]

that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life. Leave him in the dust, that is no excuse.

 

How can I leave him in the dust.. When he has already left me? I can't help but feel like he won... If he's wrong.. Why am I the one who is so unhappy, left to deal with all the pain and suffering, while he goes on so carelessly with life... ?

[strach]

I know its hard to move on sometimes despite why it ends (being mad about dancing with a gay guy would be unreasonable nevertheless breaking up because of it). 1 month later I'm still trying to get over my ex and its been hard despite the fact it was only 4 months and long distance among multiple other reasons it just didn't make sense at this time and was treated coldly near the end, yet here I am still not over her, wanting to see how she's doing because she was also a close friend of mine before.

 

You have to remember NC is NOT suppose to be for getting them back but for you to get over it so that when he does contact you again you can easily ignore it (which I would highly suggest you do, this is not a good guy).

 

Its a tough road and its not as easy as hearing people say things like "let it go" "move on" "you can do better" even though you need to. But I believe with time and STICKING to NC you will begin to realize you're at a point where you are happy with yourself and can fully let them go. Best of Luck

[lovebug_5858]

I know its hard to move on sometimes despite why it ends (being mad about dancing with a gay guy would be unreasonable nevertheless breaking up because of it). 1 month later I'm still trying to get over my ex and its been hard despite the fact it was only 4 months and long distance among multiple other reasons it just didn't make sense at this time and was treated coldly near the end, yet here I am still not over her, wanting to see how she's doing because she was also a close friend of mine before.

 

You have to remember NC is NOT suppose to be for getting them back but for you to get over it so that when he does contact you again you can easily ignore it (which I would highly suggest you do, this is not a good guy).

 

Its a tough road and its not as easy as hearing people say things like "let it go" "move on" "you can do better" even though you need to. But I believe with time and STICKING to NC you will begin to realize you're at a point where you are happy with yourself and can fully let them go. Best of Luck

 

It is very difficult to honestly want to let him go, although when I talk about it I see how ridiculous it sounds and if I were on the outside looking in I would definitely be one of the people who say " are you serious?? Let go of this guy, there is much better out there for you..." But I just don't know why i can't get over it. We've always had so many problems with jealousy. Once he broke up with me because a guy touched me on the shoulder... That was a very very long time ago and still when we would talk about flaws now, he would deny a jealousy problem and just say he just could not trust me. ( because I didn't tell him what I did while we were apart... Which is nothing BAD but is just none of his business) he eventually found out about it all whether from me or social media ( of friends, seeing as I have none) but it was never anything beyond friendly contact and having a good time with friends...

 

The cold shoulder sucks so bad. I just can't think of how he can just completely change within a matter of days to just outright say he doesn't care for me and I'm nothing to him...

 

I wish you all the best in your NC as well and as you can see it's very natural for all of us to still think of and miss out exes. But our best bet as of now is sticking to NC and then having the strength to reject contact when and if they come back, for our own well being. Someone who cares for us even in the smallest way, would never be so cold.

[lovebug_5858]

Oh and the guy touched me on the shoulder as a stage direction... It was a play. Yeah I know. It's mind blowing really.

[strach]

It is very difficult to honestly want to let him go, although when I talk about it I see how ridiculous it sounds and if I were on the outside looking in I would definitely be one of the people who say " are you serious?? Let go of this guy, there is much better out there for you..." But I just don't know why i can't get over it. We've always had so many problems with jealousy. Once he broke up with me because a guy touched me on the shoulder... That was a very very long time ago and still when we would talk about flaws now, he would deny a jealousy problem and just say he just could not trust me. ( because I didn't tell him what I did while we were apart... Which is nothing BAD but is just none of his business) he eventually found out about it all whether from me or social media ( of friends, seeing as I have none) but it was never anything beyond friendly contact and having a good time with friends...

 

The cold shoulder sucks so bad. I just can't think of how he can just completely change within a matter of days to just outright say he doesn't care for me and I'm nothing to him...

 

I wish you all the best in your NC as well and as you can see it's very natural for all of us to still think of and miss out exes. But our best bet as of now is sticking to NC and then having the strength to reject contact when and if they come back, for our own well being. Someone who cares for us even in the smallest way, would never be so cold.

 

Yep i'm the same, I start thinking about how ridiculous it is that I'm still into this girl only to fall back to square one again and think about her the whole day. Now our situations are fairly different but there's that same premise of holding on to something we shouldn't. I found that writing out the reasons why it's ridiculous and why you should let go help for those times you start thinking about them. Sort of a reminder of why this was really for the best.

 

And exactly, do you really want to be with someone who has so little respect for you? I know being left without even a thought really sucks but you need to try your best to take that as a clear sign that this guy is not meant for you and you in no way can blame yourself for it.

[Elle1975]

How can I leave him in the dust.. When he has already left me? I can't help but feel like he won... If he's wrong.. Why am I the one who is so unhappy, left to deal with all the pain and suffering, while he goes on so carelessly with life... ?

 

Like.. he won? ha.. Let me see.. he's controlling, he has no tolerance, put a high value price tag himself when I guarantee you don't know half the stuff he's done when you weren't around.

 

No no, YOU won, cause you're really, really better off without him.

[strach]

 

I wish you all the best in your NC as well and as you can see it's very natural for all of us to still think of and miss out exes. But our best bet as of now is sticking to NC and then having the strength to reject contact when and if they come back, for our own well being. Someone who cares for us even in the smallest way, would never be so cold.

 

And thank you. I've pretty much accepted that until I find someone else, a day is not going to go by where I at least think about her a bit and god do I miss talking to her everyday. But sometimes things just don't work out and if you spend too much time hung up on it you're going to miss that person who loves you for who you are and gives you 100% of them

[KBarletta]

To put it bluntly, you are better off without this guy. Someone who would get upset that you danced with someone, that another guy touched your shoulder? You actually have dodged a bullet here, you just need to realize it.

 

I know it's hard because you still have feelings, but when that fog has lifted you'll realize that this guy wasn't good for you, the relationship was unhealthy, and you are better off in the long run.

 

Just stick to NC, take care of yourself, focus on other things, go to counseling, talk to friends. But most of all, be your own best friend. You deserve better!

[flightplan]

I'll play doctor for a moment and offer a biological reason you feel the way you do. Your logical mind tells you this guy is not a good long term relationship but your body is going through dopamine withdrawals in his absence much like a coke or nicotine addict. This withdrawal can be mistaken for "missing him" but what you're really missing is the chemical addiction to love. You once lived a life without this guy and you did just fine. He has no magical powers over you, so just realize your brain is craving the dopamine affection and is causing you to feel the way you do. My two cents.

[lovebug_5858]

Yep i'm the same, I start thinking about how ridiculous it is that I'm still into this girl only to fall back to square one again and think about her the whole day. Now our situations are fairly different but there's that same premise of holding on to something we shouldn't. I found that writing out the reasons why it's ridiculous and why you should let go help for those times you start thinking about them. Sort of a reminder of why this was really for the best.

 

And exactly, do you really want to be with someone who has so little respect for you? I know being left without even a thought really sucks but you need to try your best to take that as a clear sign that this guy is not meant for you and you in no way can blame yourself for it.

 

 

I literally just wrote out things because more and more terrible situations we had gone through kept popping into my head, which helped me realize that I shouldn't even care about this guy.

 

I also found that writing out your life with this person now and your life without the person in two separate columns also help, and you can visually see that your life WILL go on after this person.

 

I shouldn't blame myself and I have tried to stop doing this, but I can see how much he has manipulated my way of thinking about myself and made me think everything was always my fault. I'm trying to get back into my own way of thinking.

[lovebug_5858]

Like.. he won? ha.. Let me see.. he's controlling, he has no tolerance, put a high value price tag himself when I guarantee you don't know half the stuff he's done when you weren't around.

 

No no, YOU won, cause you're really, really better off without him.

 

This is all very true. Thank you for your opinion

[lovebug_5858]

To put it bluntly, you are better off without this guy. Someone who would get upset that you danced with someone, that another guy touched your shoulder? You actually have dodged a bullet here, you just need to realize it.

 

I know it's hard because you still have feelings, but when that fog has lifted you'll realize that this guy wasn't good for you, the relationship was unhealthy, and you are better off in the long run.

 

Just stick to NC, take care of yourself, focus on other things, go to counseling, talk to friends. But most of all, be your own best friend. You deserve better!

 

I agree, I know once I get out of looking from within that I'll begin to feel better. Last time I went through this it took me at least 2 months to really clear all the fog and see how unhealthy and terrible my relationship with him was... I have no idea why I went back. I would have been so much further along now.

 

Its a good thing that he left and its good that he won't be back because I didn't have the strength to leave, and he did me that favor. It'll hurt now and for a while more probably, but long term, I'll be better off.

 

I've been replacing things I had planned with him with my friends, this way I am not so sad when these dates come around and this way I also look forward to them still...

[lovebug_5858]

So it is now Day 5, I figured I won't be posting everyday because being on here sometimes kinda gets me obsessive into thinking and rethinking my break up. But right about now I'm feeling like I really miss him...

The past two days I've been pretty good, no crying and no obsessive thinking. It took a pretty great pep talk to get me there though, but it worked I guess.

I think its only when I get bored that I miss him this much, well.. no not really. I always really miss him... but I think now I'm just more accepting that we are no longer together and it only hurts me to think of him... so I've tried to cut down on that.

 

Yesterday I did a pediatric observation on a group of 1 year olds and 3 year olds for a paper for nursing and I really enjoyed it so I spoke with the director about volunteering, not too much but just a few hours a week. I really enjoyed it and I figured another new addition to my schedule wouldn't hurt.

I also talked to a counselor about starting counseling and some therapy so thats also pretty good.

 

I really want to kick him like a bad bad habit, for good. I want to be completely happy without him so that the next time he comes lurking around I am fully prepared to reject him, and not go back. At all.

 

At the end of the day, I guess the only thing stopping me from contacting him is how much I know it will hurt if I do. And that's more than enough to keep me away. He doesn't love me anymore, and that's okay. It'll all be fine.

[strach]

Completely understandable to miss him, that can take a good amount of time but you seem to be doing pretty well considering. Keeping your mind off it is key. I feel the same, when I get bored I would think about my ex more often which is why you need to keep busy which you seem to be doing.

 

Counselling is a good idea as well if you feel you need it.

 

Just gotta stay strong and keep doing what you're doing. I broke NC once and believe me, it wasn't a bad or negative conversation but it left me feeling worse nevertheless

 

All the best

[lovebug_5858]

I think I'm doing pretty good considering, as well. I guess it's not really going back to day 1 when you've been through NC before, especially since it's the same person.

I really do think I would gain much from counseling because I may don't feel like it was healthy how much I put up with before. He would get Sooo upset over nothing... And manipulate me into thinking so poorly of myself, even to the point where once he told me to say I was a slut! And I DID!

I have recovered from that low point of my life and I have the self esteem to shut that down now but still, I feel like I should have never put up with that, and even take him back after that. I want to understand myself better, and feel better, and learn better coping methods, although I think I'm doing okay for now.

 

Breaking NC always makes you feel worse, no matter where the convo goes, I've also been there...

 

I guess I don't really miss him, I miss who we were... A very long time ago. But as soon as I put my affection and love and sense of needs somewhere else, whether it be volunteering with the babies or a new hobby, the more things I can do to keep him off my mind, the better. Before I know it, the pain will be dull.