Having a Difficult Breakup

[melonmint57]

My boyfriend of 3.5 years recently broke up with me. In Fall 2012 his mother divorced his alcoholic/abusive stepfather, so that resulted in the sale of his childhood home. His mother moved out of state to be with her new boyfriend, leaving my boyfriend displaced and having to claim all of his childhood possessions. I could tell he was an angry person on the inside. I welcomed his younger brother into my home temporarily because he had no where to stay locally. I was very supportive and actively trying to make their lives as easy as possible.

 

Fast forward 6 months to February 2013, his grandfather passed away in a nursing home near his childhood home. This grandfather was actively involved in raising my boyfriend. This was very difficult for him and he pulled away from me during this time. Despite pulling away he knew anytime he wanted to talk I was there for him.

 

8 months later October 2013, his stepfather reappeared out of the blue and was found homeless near his mothers new home barely breathing/heavily intoxicated. He was taken to the hospital and remained in ICU. My boyfriend and his brother immediately flew out to see him. After a few days had passed and testing was complete, it was determined that due to oxygen loss he was brain dead. The family made the decision to take him off of life support and donate his organs. This was the turning point in our relationship. My boyfriend would have outbursts of anger over seemly small things, such as a crumb falling onto the floor and the dog not licking it up. He called me every name in the book including a c*nt. Meanwhile I continued to stand by his side given so many difficult circumstances. I did want to ask him to move out, but figured this would be a terrible time and I cared about his well-being, so I continued trying to be supportive.

 

When he returned he was way off track. He wasn't making it to work daily, had been lying to his family about taking classes to finish his degree for the 2 years. It was a daily struggle trying to make him feel better and required a lot of energy on my part while working full time.

 

Fast forward to March 2014, He tells me he wants to move out, which was unexpected. We went back and forth and I suggested that making such a rash decision and changing his living situation during all of his issues wasn't the answer. His mother and I convinced him to THINK about talking to a counselor. The next month I find out he had been actively looking for another relationship on Tinder. We went back and forth again, and by April it came down to that he was going to be leaving. I expected him to be out by the time I got back from work on a Sunday evening at the end of April. When I returned after working all weekend he was not gone, and suddenly was actively interested in working out all of the issues with himself and I. What had happened was that his new love interest learned that he was lying to her. He wasn't ready to also lose me, but at the same time, didn't leave me before meeting her.

 

Over the next 4 months he was still very angry, very depressed, and treating me badly despite all I was doing to help him sort out his issues. He did start seeing a counselor in July, claimed it was helping him, but I didn't seem to notice much change in the way he was treating me. I offered to go with him to the counselor and he didn't care for my presence there. He swore up and down that he no longer had contact with the other girl. Some weeks I did believe him, others I thought he was full of it. I found items added to his Amazon wishlist, which he had intended to purchase for her. So basically their interactions were sporadic at best as far as I know.

 

August 2014-His other grandfather passed away. I opened up my home once again to his family that came into town for the funeral. Later that month he had been treating me badly, but wanted to put on a show for my birthday to impress his family. Being able to say "Look what I did for you" was a big deal to him, so for that reason alone, I opted out of any celebration because he wasn't doing it because he loved me. Meanwhile his family started telling me that I was the reason for all of his problems, me the person who had stood by his side all along. This hurt me a lot, but because his family is from out of town and they don't see our daily interactions, I very well know he had been lying to them about me.

 

All of Fall 2014 we struggled, he was still actively going to counseling and he did invite me to one session. While I was there some conversation brought up the fact he had been lying to his counselor about where he was living. She for some reason had no idea he was living with me. I voiced my concerns over him name calling, and his bursts of anger. Specifically bringing up the fact that despite any issues he has, it's still not appropriate to treat me badly.

 

We did have some good moments, we were spending more time together, he did start to open up a little more.At the end of November 2014 he received his large inheritance from his grandfather. It was headed back downhill from there. He started distancing himself from me.

 

December 2014 Prior to leaving to visit his mother out of state for Christmas he moved out and suggested we both read a relationship self-help book during our separation. I took it upon myself to not communicate with him at all during the 2 weeks he was gone because mentally I needed a break.

 

When he returned I nicely tried to return the rest of his things and he told me he had found a note I wrote him the evening before and he couldn't see me because it would upset him. Fair enough, I let go.

 

I waited a few days and tried to reach out to him again, but this time I received no response for over a week.

 

Finally as a last effort the following week I tired contacting him letting him know that I was trying to do the right thing, by returning his personal items, but if he couldn't be an adult and have common courtesy to respond, I would be disposing of them.

 

He did respond this time, but gave no explanation as to why he continued to blow me off. I explained that I had been more than nice and all I wanted to do was give him his things. He agreed to meet with me to claim them by the end of the week. The next day I called to arrange the exact time only to be blown off a third time. After that I told him I would be getting rid of his things.

 

His response was that SUDDENLY he didn't want to see me anymore and he had moved on. Well come to find out he was back with his other lover from Tinder. She had blocked me from his phone and given him an ultimatum that if he saw me it was over. So here I was trying to be an adult doing the right thing only to be kicked in the as*. I feel so incredibly used. I stood by his side through thick and thin, tolerated his bad behavior, which I thought was due to grief. I was actively trying to help him and had genuine concern for his well-being. I feel as though he waited for his inheritance money and then ran off. Now he's making more rash decisions, quitting his job and moving out of state. What is wrong with him??

 

Sorry my post is so lengthy, but this is something I needed to get off my chest. I was hoping that someone else has had similar experience dealing with grief and relationships/infidelity.

[ConfusedMike]

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult experience. So many people have to learn the hard way and don't appreciate or can't see what's right in front of their nose. You clearly did everything you could to make the relationship work so I hope there's no regret on your part, although I'm sure the sadness and emptiness of your loss is overwhelming. I know these words won't give you the answers I'm sure you seek, but you seem like a genuinely kind person and I hope you find some comfort that there are good people out there. I really hope you don't give him one more minute of your life, he doesn't deserve it and you're the better person. Many of us are going through similar experiences and I have hope that I'll be a better person for having gone through and come out the other side and so will you.

 

Don't talk to him, dispose of his belongings and do your best to move on. If you're like me, you'll slip along the way and contact him or respond to something from him, but over time, you'll become stronger and be able to fight the urge. As someone who's going through something similar, I know how you feel so you're not alone.

[Light Breeze]

Sorry OP,

 

Your story was really hard to read. You're ex has a lot of issues that he needed to face but his cheating can never be excused. I'm sorry but I think he's an a-hole. He was a user, cheater, liar etc. His grief can't justify his actions, these are things that a person with a healthy set moral values would never do even if he's in crisis.

 

Being cheated on makes it much more difficult to handle this. I have been cheated on and left for someone else too, so I understand how it feels. But, you know what? You'll realize it isn't your fault that he cheated, it was all on him. I know you probably won't feel this now, but trust me, you'll be so relieved that you dodged a bullet here.

 

As to coping, you have to go proactive NC here. It doesn't mean that if you've been blocked from your ex's life, you do nothing about it. Be proactive and block him from your end in everything, calls, text, email, social media and get rid of his things.

 

Then grieve and find yourself. In my experience, one of the things that really gets a beating after being cheated on is your self-esteem. You have to somehow rebuild it by finding new hobbies, learning new things, go to the gym, meet friends, family, and new people (they're your support system). You stumble, you cry, then dust yourself up and continue on forward.

 

Stay strong.

[Elle1975]

Why exactly is his family blaming you for his problems?

 

Personally I see a girlfriend who turned into a nurse and some kind of a martyr.

 

I get that you love him, but it seems like something you wanted more than him.

[melonmint57]

Thank you for your kind words, ConfusedMike. I don't plan to give him another minute of my life, however I do feel he will resurface at some point. By that time I hope to have overcome the sadness and moved on.

[melonmint57]

Why exactly is his family blaming you for his problems?

 

Personally I see a girlfriend who turned into a nurse and some kind of a martyr.

 

I get that you love him, but it seems like something you wanted more than him.

 

His family was blaming me because they live out of state. He has been feeding them lies for a number of months, so they were trying to guilt me into thinking I was the problem. He did an excellent job of putting on an act when they were around.

[melonmint57]

Sorry OP,

 

Your story was really hard to read. You're ex has a lot of issues that he needed to face but his cheating can never be excused. I'm sorry but I think he's an a-hole. He was a user, cheater, liar etc. His grief can't justify his actions, these are things that a person with a healthy set moral values would never do even if he's in crisis.

 

Being cheated on makes it much more difficult to handle this. I have been cheated on and left for someone else too, so I understand how it feels. But, you know what? You'll realize it isn't your fault that he cheated, it was all on him. I know you probably won't feel this now, but trust me, you'll be so relieved that you dodged a bullet here.

 

As to coping, you have to go proactive NC here. It doesn't mean that if you've been blocked from your ex's life, you do nothing about it. Be proactive and block him from your end in everything, calls, text, email, social media and get rid of his things.

 

Then grieve and find yourself. In my experience, one of the things that really gets a beating after being cheated on is your self-esteem. You have to somehow rebuild it by finding new hobbies, learning new things, go to the gym, meet friends, family, and new people (they're your support system). You stumble, you cry, then dust yourself up and continue on forward.

 

Stay strong.

 

Thank you for your reply, Light Breeze. Being cheated on feels horrible, but I know you're right. When I look back on this I'll be counting my lucky stars that I wasn't more involved for an even longer period of time. Unfortunately despite cutting him out of my life, his family still wants to communicate with me and I have been actively blocking/ignoring their messages. I sense that they may finally see the truth, but either way I don't want any contact with them.

[melonmint57]

I definitely did feel sorry for all of his hard times and I do recognize that it's no excuse to have treated me badly. It always seemed to be one step forward, two steps back. He kept telling his family that he loved me and this was one of the hardest things he has ever done, yet during the last 4 months I don't think he told me "I love you" once.

 

I know the #1 reason I feel so used is that prior to receiving his large inheritance he didn't have a plan and was not in any financial shape to be moving out. I knew that there were no friends/family nearby that would take him in. I feel as though he took all he could from me and played along until the very end. Sure, I allowed it to happen, but I was feeling trapped and I didn't know what to do. I was genuinely more concerned about his well-being because I knew that aside from our relationship troubles, I had my life together.

[melonmint57]

It's been 6 weeks since my ex moved out, but only 2 weeks since I officially started NC. I wish I would have started NC earlier, but he kept playing mind games and was blowing me off while I was trying to make arrangements for him to get his belongings out of my house. I recognize what's done is done and can't be changed, but who would have thought someone would be such an a**hole when I was trying to do the right thing as opposed to just flat out throwing his things in the garbage? Well, that's where they are now, so too bad for him!

[maryça]

It's been 6 weeks since my ex moved out, but only 2 weeks since I officially started NC. I wish I would have started NC earlier, but he kept playing mind games and was blowing me off while I was trying to make arrangements for him to get his belongings out of my house. I recognize what's done is done and can't be changed, but who would have thought someone would be such an a**hole when I was trying to do the right thing as opposed to just flat out throwing his things in the garbage? Well, that's where they are now, so too bad for him!

 

Hi, I feel your pain and it's totally normal to go through this stage right now, I have kind of the same situation, but it's me who is trying to get my stuff back (from my cheater ex) and he keeps playing his game and doesn't come to any kind of agreement. I helped him so much in his life, just like you did with your ex. I had also the feeling of being used by him when he had nothing. I made him a man, and at the end He cheated on me. But what makes us stronger than them is that we keep being great persons, we have a big heart and that's something no one can take from us. They will stay a-holes the rest of their lives believe me.

The only thing you can do, is keep NC and find a way to send his stuff back. This will make everything easier for you to move on.

You are a great person and believe me, if you loved the wrong person that much can you imagine how you will love the right one

[melonmint57]

Hi, I feel your pain and it's totally normal to go through this stage right now, I have kind of the same situation, but it's me who is trying to get my stuff back (from my cheater ex) and he keeps playing his game and doesn't come to any kind of agreement. I helped him so much in his life, just like you did with your ex. I had also the feeling of being used by him when he had nothing. I made him a man, and at the end He cheated on me. But what makes us stronger than them is that we keep being great persons, we have a big heart and that's something no one can take from us. They will stay a-holes the rest of their lives believe me.

The only thing you can do, is keep NC and find a way to send his stuff back. This will make everything easier for you to move on.

You are a great person and believe me, if you loved the wrong person that much can you imagine how you will love the right one

 

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a similar situation, but glad I'm not alone here. I see no logical reason why your ex would want to hold your things hostage. As simple as setting your things outside and you could grab them, but of course nothing can ever be that easy can it?! I know initially I definitely wanted to see my ex face-to-face during an exchange out of pure anger. He tried to pawn his responsibility off on friends who had previously bashed me and I simply told him I was not going to be exposed to that kind of negativity. I ended up donating/throwing his things away.

 

If your ex doesn't want to see you, or you don't want to see him, might you have someone who can assist in claiming your things for you? I don't know exactly what things he still has that you want, but I surely hope you wont have to resort to taking legal action.

[mightycpa]

From what you've written, I think you turned into a doormat in October 2013. Live and learn from that. No matter the circumstance, when you find someone who bites the hand that feeds them, it is time to stop feeding them.

[maryça]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a similar situation, but glad I'm not alone here. I see no logical reason why your ex would want to hold your things hostage. As simple as setting your things outside and you could grab them, but of course nothing can ever be that easy can it?! I know initially I definitely wanted to see my ex face-to-face during an exchange out of pure anger. He tried to pawn his responsibility off on friends who had previously bashed me and I simply told him I was not going to be exposed to that kind of negativity. I ended up donating/throwing his things away.

 

If your ex doesn't want to see you, or you don't want to see him, might you have someone who can assist in claiming your things for you? I don't know exactly what things he still has that you want, but I surely hope you wont have to resort to taking legal action.

 

Yes, we are never alone in this kind of situations. Don't worry we will be ok and we will get over this. I just want to get my stuff out of our ex apartment and start my new life, I have tons of furnitures and my personal clothes that I don't want to leave behind.

I hope that you are doing better, feel free to write here on the forum, I'll be glad to share my experiences and support you