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Three years ago I fell in love with a woman. She was leaving her husband but (I later found out had been seeing someone else behind his back until she met me). We fell instantly into an all consuming intense romance that I had never felt before with anyone (I'm over 30). Her husband and the other guy were heartbroken and there was a lot of drama. But we were in love. I felt like I was on drugs. She acted as if I was her saviour or something. She is very beautiful and has two children. We spent all our time together and pretty much lived together and I took up a father role as the dad was away a lot.

 

After a few months, I started to realise something wasn't quite right. She would fall out with me for no reason and arguments would arise frequently. However, the chemistry and sex was like nothing I felt before and I really loved her and the children. As time went on things got a bit worse. We had some really fun times but - I found out she was talking to other guys on the internet, she didn't seem to have much empathy towards me or others, would say spiteful things, would accuse me of cheating, would throw me out, check my phone for messages, start arguments, always want her own way and generally be very unreasonable and manipulative. We broke up and got back together frequently.

I was very much in love so I won't leave. I thought that she would always come back to me. She admitting to having 'problems' and was seeing a therapist.

 

I also realised that loads of other guys were totally infatuated by her. Men would be literally falling over themselves to speak to her when we were out.

 

Anyway, in the end she dumped me, started seeing another guy without telling me, had sex with me and then just showed up at my friends gig with this new guy. The new guy has a bad reputation for infidelity - and she knows this very well. She says she is in love with him and happy now.

 

I have now been very heartbroken for 6 months now and have had serious problems dealing with my emotions. I told her that I don't want to talk to her - but she always finds excuses for getting in touch and sometimes brings up the past - I never reply but a few weeks later I get another message with some reason to contact me. She also apologised for stuff too.

 

I can't seem to get over her and let it go and feel lonely and depressed all the time. I feel like I have lost a family. I don't want to go out and socialise in case I run into her. I spend time and home just lying around and smoking cigarettes. I feel better for writing all this. Any comments or advice welcome x

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Thanks. I'll maybe just write a bit more. I feel like she thinks she is superior to others and has high social status or something. She always said "you don't understand me" " we just don't connect".

 

I felt like she never thought about my needs or feelings. She just resented and disrespected me. I tried super hard to meet her needs but it was never enough. She said "it's all about you, never about me". I felt the opposite.

 

She says the children want to see me. Recently someone we both know died. She seemed to use this horrible situation as an excuse to get in touch.

 

I'm am trying not to be a victim. I don't want her to think that I'm still in pieces over her. I am but I don't want her to know that. I've started seeing someone else. But I'm still depressed.

 

The only consolation is that - maybe it's nothing to do with my inadequacies, maybe the new guy will get the same treatment as me, he is a sex addict and she cannot trust so perhaps it won't work with them, she has already cheated on him with me so...........

 

Despite all this I still want her back - I must be a moron or an idiot

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questionsforthenouns

I'm only 23 but in my experience, red flags are vital to look for in the beginning. I had to learn that the hard way, twice.

 

Your ex was involved with TWO guys at the time of your meeting, one was her husband. How ****ed up is that? Can you honestly be surprised that she has treated you poorly and moved on with another guy so fast? Dude, you deserve better than this. And I know it hurts, and I know you probably don't want to hear that she isn't a very good person, but it's true. There are rules of conduct in relationships, and she broke those.

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Despite all this I still want her back - I must be a moron or an idiot

 

You aren't a moron or an idiot, but you have a very strong and unhealthy attachment to someone who is injurious to your emotional health and wellbeing. Honestly speaking, thats a very major problem. In many ways it's similar to a substance addiction.

 

Whilst you maintain any form of contact with her, you are still 'using' your drug, and are therefore not in recovery.

 

This is the first step if you choose recovery:

 

No direct contact or replies. Delete messages unread and block.

No chatting if you meet in person.

No contact through third parties.

No social media.

No 'little birds' feeding you news.

 

It's your choice. You can either continue to live in misery, or you can begin a recovery.

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I have now been very heartbroken for 6 months now and have had serious problems dealing with my emotions.
Vuvu, please listen to Satu. He's given you good advice for taking specific actions that will help speed up your healing process. Satu also offers an excellent, more comprehensive list of Recovery Tips in an earlier thread.

 

I felt like I was on drugs. She acted as if I was her saviour or something.
I agree with Elaine and Satu that you seem to be describing the classic warning signs for a "Cluster B" personality disorder -- a group that includes psychopathy (i.e., Antisocial PD), BPD (Borderline PD), and narcissism (NPD). Importantly, we are not suggesting your exGF has a full-blown PD. Only a professional can determine that. Rather, we are simply suggesting that she may exhibit strong traits of a PD. Even when PD traits fall well short of the diagnostic guidelines for having a full-blown PD, they still can be sufficiently strong to fully undermine a relationship and make your life miserable.

 

I caution that these "Cluster B" disorders all are considered to be "spectrum" disorders, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits such PD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits PD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of a PD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong PD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and irrational jealousy.

 

We broke up and got back together frequently.
A repeated cycle of breakup/makeup is characteristic of relationships in which one partner exhibits ANY of the Cluster B disorders mentioned above. Yet, because BPDers are emotionally unstable (whereas psychopaths and narcissists typically are not), this cycle is especially associated with BPDer relationships. A recent poll at BPDfamily, for example, found that 75% of BPDer relationships go through 3 complete breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending for good. Moreover, nearly 40% of BPDer relationships go through at least six breakup/makeup cycles and 21% experience ten or more such cycles before ending permanently.

 

I therefore suggest you learn how to protect yourself by reading about how to spot the warning signs for Cluster B disorders. An easy place to start reading is my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Elaine and Satu in discussing them with you. Take care, Vuvu.

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Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post.

Yes these traits certainly do ring true. Especially - people are either good or bad, immaturity, blaming me for everything (ie not making her happy), pushing me away and then getting very angry when I'm seeing friends, using her children or something else as manipulation. Sometimes just hitting me for no reason, snapping CDs in the car, smashing her phone for the wall. She grew up in the Jehovah witnesses.

 

We broke up for two weeks once. She kissed someone else and I did too in this period. I woke one morning with 20 missed calls. I went to her home. She had glass in her hand and was cutting herself - she did this more than once when the children were in the house - I realise it was just to get attention. For the next few months she told all her friends that I was a terrible bf for kissing the girl and I felt terrible. She vilified the girl. Her friends were mean to her and to me. Meanwhile not telling her friends that she was off with another guy at the same time and was flirting with other men on the internet. I was always the bad guy.

 

She never recognised any sacrifices I made for her.

 

I got a new car and the other girl had been in the car when me and my ex were on a break. Several weeks later I had a car accident my ex said that she "made it happen with her mind"

 

And then she turned up at my friends gig with the new guy and acted as if there was no problem and I should just be alright about the situation. I felt very disrespected. She has apologise since but.........

 

I have realised that she had screwed over her husband when she started seeing me. He never really showed it too much but I could tell he was devastated. She seemed not to realise. Now she has done the same to me.

 

I think it a cycle of hers. I've been through heartbreaks before but this one seems particularly bad because a) the way she treated me during the relationship - with resentment despite me giving so much b) the way she ended it - disrespect

 

It's frustrating because no one else sees anything bad in her. Everyone thinks she is beautiful, sexy, sophisticated, intelligent, cool, she is very wealthy. I switch between being still infatuated with her and seeing that this is a child trapped in adults body.

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