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How do I stop picturing her with other men


questionsforthenouns

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questionsforthenouns

Hi everybody. I had a thread about a week ago about my gf going off to "work on herself" and "make herself a better person for me" which I do admit she needs to do, but it hurts very badly. A couple days ago I texted her asking whether she is planning on reaching out to me after she works on herself, or not planning on getting back together. A conversation ensued and we agreed to meet up tonight.

 

I went to her place and we caught up with each other, then things started to get heavy. We started making out and taking off clothes, etc. But she stopped it before things went all the way because she said it wasn't fair to me. That she can't be with me. That she can't have love for just me, that she doesn't want to be with anybody. She wants to be free of relationships. And I respect that, but it hurts so badly. I can't stop picturing her with other men. It tears me apart and I need help. I have been through a breakup before, but now that I'm in another one, I have no idea how I survived the last one. The feelings of hopelessness and agony are overtaking me. I fear that I am developing a drinking problem.

 

I know everybody is just going to say NC NC but maybe you guys could just offer me some encouragement. I am so sad right now. How do I stop picturing her with other men? I need to escape

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You can't..You'll dream about it,hurts! You'll think about it during the day,hurts! When you watch a porn,you'll imagine her with other guys,hurts...Just have to forge through it and feel the hurt. eventually the hurt doesn't hurt so much anymore. That's where NC comes into play.

 

Also...watch the drinking...it's a major downer during a break up. Feels good for a bit to numb the thoughts/pain,but you're just prolonging your healing by not dealing with the pain.

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questionsforthenouns
You can't..You'll dream about it,hurts! You'll think about it during the day,hurts! When you watch a porn,you'll imagine her with other guys,hurts...Just have to forge through it and feel the hurt. eventually the hurt doesn't hurt so much anymore. That's where NC comes into play.

 

Also...watch the drinking...it's a major downer during a break up. Feels good for a bit to numb the thoughts/pain,but you're just prolonging your healing by not dealing with the pain.

 

But what if I can't deal with this? I mean, that's what scares me. That I have to just sit through this pain and somehow survive it

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But what if I can't deal with this? I mean, that's what scares me. That I have to just sit through this pain and somehow survive it

 

You are not alone, just read around here, many of us are struggling just as you do.

 

We're surviving it so I know you can too. There's really no bypassing the pain, you have to feel it, otherwise you'll just bottle it up inside and explode when it triggers.

 

The pain will dull in time and NC, what you're feeling now can be compared to withdrawal from an addiction. You remove the stimuli causing the addiction, you'll crave it less until it goes away altogether.

 

Meanwhile, work on yourself, get busy, and force yourself to do things that make you happy.

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questionsforthenouns
You are not alone, just read around here, many of us are struggling just as you do.

 

We're surviving it so I know you can too. There's really no bypassing the pain, you have to feel it, otherwise you'll just bottle it up inside and explode when it triggers.

 

The pain will dull in time and NC, what you're feeling now can be compared to withdrawal from an addiction. You remove the stimuli causing the addiction, you'll crave it less until it goes away altogether.

 

Meanwhile, work on yourself, get busy, and force yourself to do things that make you happy.

 

I hear you. I just feel like ****ing lashing out against her. She is such an immature piece of crap and I'm always way too ****ing nice. My head is going to explode

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Hi everybody. I had a thread about a week ago about my gf going off to "work on herself" and "make herself a better person for me" which I do admit she needs to do, but it hurts very badly. A couple days ago I texted her asking whether she is planning on reaching out to me after she works on herself, or not planning on getting back together. A conversation ensued and we agreed to meet up tonight.

 

I went to her place and we caught up with each other, then things started to get heavy. We started making out and taking off clothes, etc. But she stopped it before things went all the way because she said it wasn't fair to me. That she can't be with me. That she can't have love for just me, that she doesn't want to be with anybody. She wants to be free of relationships. And I respect that, but it hurts so badly. I can't stop picturing her with other men. It tears me apart and I need help. I have been through a breakup before, but now that I'm in another one, I have no idea how I survived the last one. The feelings of hopelessness and agony are overtaking me. I fear that I am developing a drinking problem.

 

I know everybody is just going to say NC NC but maybe you guys could just offer me some encouragement. I am so sad right now. How do I stop picturing her with other men? I need to escape

 

You're describing a normal break up their bud.

 

I know for a fact my ex is with another guy who she cheated on me with. Sometimes the image flashes through my head but I aslo feel liberated because that is the way of things. I've already dated another girl who I much more sexually compatible with. I'm single now because I do need to work myself and heal.

 

She WILL get with other guys just like YOU WILL get with other girls.

 

Accept this as fact and you will start to feel better. 3 billion girls out there dude. As Joey from Friends would say, grab a spoon lol. Go sample the different flavours of ice cream out there.

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Unfortunately this is going to happen again and again throughout your life. You will be the heart breaker at times.

 

It helps to be angry for a while but in the end anger just makes you think of her more. Keep busy, damn busy. Find a new hobby. Delete her from all social media so you don't see or hear about her. Blocking her on FB will accomplish that. Don't drive by her house or her work. Again, you'll just think about her more.

 

As for picturing her with other guys....you have to train your mind not to do that. When you start to think about it, force yourself to think about something else that you find interesting.....I design cool houses in my mind.

 

It takes time.

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I hear you. I just feel like ****ing lashing out against her. She is such an immature piece of crap and I'm always way too ****ing nice. My head is going to explode

 

 

I sure can feel your pain...

Yes, its so difficult we all have to go through it...

and it adds up to the other things...

All I can say is keep yourself distracted...

 

I myself am struggling...

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Let me ask you, other than the usual "she is a horrible person" because she hurt you, what are some of her character traits? Strengths, weaknesses? These can be exploited (not in a sinister way) and make you feel better as well.

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SoThatHappened

This worked for me:

 

Picture her banging every guy she ever meets and even says "Hi" to. Picture her in a tag-team gangbang situation. Picture her on top of every guy you can imagine.

 

Do that for a bit and it will desensitize you to thinking about it.

 

Sort of like ripping off a bandaid.

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When you start to think of her with other guys, instead start picturing yourself with other women. That's what has worked for me.

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It's a fact of life: every break-up hurts the one broken up with. When a relationship ends, there is unhappiness for a period of time (grieving period) and then...there isn't (when acceptance and healing has begun).

 

The alternative to being in a relationship is to never be in one again, and either never date or have sex again, or date and have sex but never commit; but then that labels you a consummate bachelor.

 

The quickest way through pain is to accept it, process it, accept it, and then start over again. That's the circle of life where relationships are concerned.

 

Sorry for your pain but you have to accept the reality that this relationship is over, before you can move on to find a woman who wants to be in a relationship with you. What she gave you was a lot of lip service, her whole "I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone but myself right now," spiel. That's just her indirect way to telling you she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

 

But she's still physically attracted to you, so if you initiate physical contact with her again, she would probably start up a FWB situation with you, which isn't what you want or need is it? If what you want is a real bonafide relationship with a woman, she doesn't sound like she wants to give you that.

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questionsforthenouns
Let me ask you, other than the usual "she is a horrible person" because she hurt you, what are some of her character traits? Strengths, weaknesses? These can be exploited (not in a sinister way) and make you feel better as well.

 

Some of her good traits are that she can be very sweet, loving, adventurous, kind, and supportive. She can also be great to talk to. Her weaknesses are lack of identity, immature, provocative, jealous, and low self-esteem. Those weak traits ultimately led to the downfall of our relationship.

 

Sorry for your pain but you have to accept the reality that this relationship is over, before you can move on to find a woman who wants to be in a relationship with you. What she gave you was a lot of lip service, her whole "I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone but myself right now," spiel. That's just her indirect way to telling you she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

 

But she's still physically attracted to you, so if you initiate physical contact with her again, she would probably start up a FWB situation with you, which isn't what you want or need is it? If what you want is a real bonafide relationship with a woman, she doesn't sound like she wants to give you that.

 

You are right, I do need a real relationship with a woman, and she can't provide that right now. But she repeatedly expresses how much she loves me and misses me and wants to be with me, but she just can't right now. She thinks it is just not possible right now. After we said goodbye to each other last night, just this morning I woke up to breadcrumb texts from her saying how much she wants to be with me, but she just can't right now. What should I do or say?

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Some of her good traits are that she can be very sweet, loving, adventurous, kind, and supportive. She can also be great to talk to. Her weaknesses are lack of identity, immature, provocative, jealous, and low self-esteem. Those weak traits ultimately led to the downfall of our relationship.

 

 

 

You are right, I do need a real relationship with a woman, and she can't provide that right now. But she repeatedly expresses how much she loves me and misses me and wants to be with me, but she just can't right now. She thinks it is just not possible right now. After we said goodbye to each other last night, just this morning I woke up to breadcrumb texts from her saying how much she wants to be with me, but she just can't right now. What should I do or say?

 

The ol breadcrumb trail that an ex leaves their ex, is filled with poison more toxic than the looped version of this song. In fact, if you really want to distract yourself from thoughts of your ex, LISTEN to the looped version of that song. Ha!

 

Seriously, does she work for Progresso soup, because she's got you connected to her via string and an empty soup can; available at her beck and call.

 

Common sense laws dictate that if she really loved you - the self-less kind of unconditional love that all couples strive for with each other - she wouldn't be giving you all that lip service about her needing space from you, yet she still has access to you so that she can yank your chain whenever she needs an ego boost.

 

Time to cut the strings with this woman, OP, if you want a true clean break from her. If you can't realistically make yourself go 100% full on no-contact with her, then at least set up some very rigid boundaries so that you protect yourself from her Oscar Wilde-like stratagems as his play The Importance of Being Earnest illustrates. Hopefully you are familiar with that play. Or better, Moliere's play Tartuffe. Both plays are about the way people manipulate each other to get their needs met (very basic surface level explanation). Or the 1980s tv show Dallas. Talk about a family of relationship drama! Those characters wrote a chapter in the book of "how to manipulate an ex to get your needs met."

 

Why are you still talking to her? Why do you want her in your life if she won't give you what you want? Why are you waiting for her to come around, when you know that she's just stringing you along for her own ego needs and nothing else?

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I hear you. I just feel like ****ing lashing out against her. She is such an immature piece of crap and I'm always way too ****ing nice. My head is going to explode

 

All the things we blame on the partners in our relationships oddly, over time, seem to be the things we find out that we don't like about ourselves.

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Like Churchill said, "when your going through hell keep going" and that's the only way to get through this. Do something you always wanted to do if you were ever single again. Hanging around thinking about what you lost will only keep you anchored to the dock. She's moving on and you need to start on your path away from her. Women don't find guys locked up in a dark room mopping about them very attractive. On the other hand they hate it when you move on without them. When you cut the anchor loose who do you think benefits the most from the action, the anchor sinking to the bottom of the harbor or the ship now sailing to an amazing destination?

 

 

We know it sucks but believe me when I tell you that the beauty about to come into your life will take all of the pain she caused you away. This amazing woman won't come into your life if she doesn't think your available and open to the possibility. Get yourself open, don't waste one more precious moment longing for what is now part of your past, get yourself ready for what's about to come.

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Hi everybody. I had a thread about a week ago about my gf going off to "work on herself" and "make herself a better person for me" which I do admit she needs to do, but it hurts very badly. A couple days ago I texted her asking whether she is planning on reaching out to me after she works on herself, or not planning on getting back together. A conversation ensued and we agreed to meet up tonight.

 

I went to her place and we caught up with each other, then things started to get heavy. We started making out and taking off clothes, etc. But she stopped it before things went all the way because she said it wasn't fair to me. That she can't be with me. That she can't have love for just me, that she doesn't want to be with anybody. She wants to be free of relationships. And I respect that, but it hurts so badly. I can't stop picturing her with other men. It tears me apart and I need help. I have been through a breakup before, but now that I'm in another one, I have no idea how I survived the last one. The feelings of hopelessness and agony are overtaking me. I fear that I am developing a drinking problem.

 

I know everybody is just going to say NC NC but maybe you guys could just offer me some encouragement. I am so sad right now. How do I stop picturing her with other men? I need to escape

 

questionsforthenouns,

 

You are going to picture it for some time and it will hurt you badly. But with time and space this exact hurt would turn into your strength. You will also come out a lot stronger in the end and see your Ex Girlfriend for what she really is.

 

Remember when two people are in love and commited, they talk about issues and try to resolve them. Anyone wanting for a break to fix themselves and other things are a bunch of useless excuses mostly used by someone whose flaky and a coward.

 

All this pain & hurt you are going through today, will pay you off in the long run. You just have to be patient and let it run through it's course.

 

As for your Ex Girlfriend, I would remove her from everywhere, say your final goodbyes to her (if you haven't) and have time for yourself to work on yourself and to regain your selfesteem back. Once you are through this emotional phase and the logical part of your brain starts thinking, the fog would be lifted and than my friend you would be in a better state of mind to decide whether you want her back or not, even "if" she tries to come back, you would be in the drivers seat.

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Why are you still talking to her? Why do you want her in your life if she won't give you what you want? Why are you waiting for her to come around, when you know that she's just stringing you along for her own ego needs and nothing else?

 

But it's not that easy. I mean she's not necessarily stringing me along for her own ego. Let me type out the text she sent to me this morning so you can decipher it.

 

"I don't know if it's okay to say this...but I really ****ing miss you. I know I can't be with you right now because I have to be true to myself and make myself happy without the help of someone. But I've been thinking about you since you left, nothing's taking my mind off you. I miss you Harrison. I want what we had, and I know it's not possible right now and that's why you had to leave but I want it back.

 

"I just want to drive to Orick (beach we used to go to) and stay there."

 

"I'm sorry, I know it's not fair for me to say that. But I really do miss you. I keep replaying what you said, life's too short. It is too short. I just want to be happy and health with myself so that I can be a better person for you and we can go back to being at peace."

 

 

Those were her texts. And I have no idea what to do with them. She's giving me such an ambiguous message, where she wants to be with me but also says it's not possible...

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Here's a thought; delete her texts. They...are...breadcrumbs. The only meaning you should derive from her texts, if you want to do a close text reading is, "I'm needy and insecure and want attention and miss the attention that you gave to me so I'm contacting you so you'll continue to feed my bruised ego because although I don't really want to commit to you anymore I love the attention that you give me and I don't really feel guilty for asking you to stay in limbo so that I can move on while you are steeped in guilt and agony and still waiting for me when I need the occasional ego boost."

 

Her texts are attention-seeking breadcrumbs. Delete them. Detach yourself from her emotionally, physically, and psychologically. The only way..the ONLY way you will be able to heal is to separate yourself from her in every way possible. Only resume contact when you have fully recovered and are no longer vulnerable to her breadcrumb texts, emails or phone calls.

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questionsforthenouns,

 

You are paying too much attention to what she's saying and not on what she's doing.

 

Her action and words do not match at all.

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questionsforthenouns,

 

You are paying too much attention to what she's saying and not on what she's doing.

 

Her action and words do not match at all.

 

By jove, Holmes, I think you've got it!! :D

 

OP, follow the advice of the Styx song "

" and after you reflect on the relationship, let it go and free yourself from it, because you've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of you.
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questionsforthenouns
questionsforthenouns,

 

You are paying too much attention to what she's saying and not on what she's doing.

 

Her action and words do not match at all.

 

I know. You are exactly right. But it's just so hard to ignore her when she is saying things like, "I ****ing miss you and I want to become better so that we can be together again." She's all over the place. She says she wants to be with me, but it is impossible for her. I just want so bad to convince her to be with me

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Simon Phoenix
But it's not that easy. I mean she's not necessarily stringing me along for her own ego. Let me type out the text she sent to me this morning so you can decipher it.

 

"I don't know if it's okay to say this...but I really ****ing miss you. I know I can't be with you right now because I have to be true to myself and make myself happy without the help of someone. But I've been thinking about you since you left, nothing's taking my mind off you. I miss you Harrison. I want what we had, and I know it's not possible right now and that's why you had to leave but I want it back.

 

"I just want to drive to Orick (beach we used to go to) and stay there."

 

"I'm sorry, I know it's not fair for me to say that. But I really do miss you. I keep replaying what you said, life's too short. It is too short. I just want to be happy and health with myself so that I can be a better person for you and we can go back to being at peace."

 

 

Those were her texts. And I have no idea what to do with them. She's giving me such an ambiguous message, where she wants to be with me but also says it's not possible...

 

Delete them and block her. There's nothing good about what she's doing right now. Stop letting her use you as an emotional tampon. That's all that is going on right now.

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But it's not that easy. I mean she's not necessarily stringing me along for her own ego. Let me type out the text she sent to me this morning so you can decipher it.

 

"I don't know if it's okay to say this...but I really ****ing miss you.(Meaning: I better throw Harrison a bone so he sticks around while I check out other men to see if I can do better than Harrison) I know I can't be with you right now because(I'm checking to see what's out there, don't want them to think I'm tied to you)

and make myself happy without the help of someone. But I've been thinking about you since you left, nothing's taking my mind off you. I miss you Harrison. I want what we had, and I know it's not possible right now(Real meaning:I don't want anyone else to get with you in case I can't find anything better than you) and that's why you had to leave but I want it back.

 

"I just want to drive to Orick (beach we used to go to) and stay there."

 

"I'm sorry, I know it's not fair for me to say that(Real meaning: I have to say it so you think you still have a chance with me). But I really do miss you. I keep replaying what you said, life's too short(Her only true statement). It is too short. I just want to be happy and health with myself so that I can be a better person for you and we can go back to being at peace."(Real meaning: I'm going to hoover over you so you hang around while I see what's out there, maybe the grass isn't greener)

 

 

Those were her texts. And I have no idea what to do with them. She's giving me such an ambiguous message, where she wants to be with me but also says it's not possible...

 

 

Please see my comments in brackets in bolded texts as to the real meaning of her text.

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questionsforthenouns
Please see my comments in brackets in bolded texts as to the real meaning of her text.

 

I mean, you are probably right. It is just hard to accept. Because I know she actually cares about me. But I guess just not enough to commit to being with me.

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