She wants a break

[emt]

Evening everyone,

 

So the last two weeks my girlfriend started nursing school and works 3 12hr shifts at the hospital as a tele CNA. She has been under alot of stress since school started and has been a different person since then. The last two days there really hasn't been contact that much except a few texts. Two nights ago she sent this "I'm going to go to sleep now honey. I'll txt you in the morning I love you". Everything seemed fine and then the following day she was busy at work and then today she didn't message at all.

 

Except to tell me that " So I don't really want to tell you via txt, but since I've been super busy lately. I figured sooner is better than later to tell you that after some time and deep consideration. I've decided dating right now with all the other stress I have ins't a good idea. I've been in a awful mood lately because I'm stressed out that I don't have any time to myself and I just need to take a break from it all"

 

 

Then I responded and she responded back

 

"I do want to sit down and talk to you about it, but I just think it's all way too much to handle right now. I can't focus on anything but school. After this week it's going to be way more intense. I think just being friends is all I could handle, since I don't even have time to see my friends."

 

I responded I understand etc etc... her response Well thank you for understanding it means alot.

 

I asked if we would have a chance down the road and she responded

 

" idk, when things settle down is kind of a ways from now. I guess that would have to be determined then. As of right now I think relationships are alot of work that I'm not willing to put myself through until I'm where I want to be in terms of school and career."

 

She also said I didn't do anything and she just thinks she realized its bad timing for the relationship.

 

 

I guess I'm asking is there hope since she loved everything about me and yea when school started I wanted to see her but she was busy. So we only saw eachother maybe 1-3 hours a week if that the last few weeks. So I know that added to her stress and she lives with her parents still and they want her to focus on school and not throw it away for me, so I know that adds stress.

 

Also guess I'm asking is when she wants to sit down and talk what should I say and/or should I also let her always make contact from now on? She means alot to me and I did to her a few days ago. I always was there to help her with anything she needed etc we were together a few months

 

Or Advice any of you have?

 

Shes 23 and I'm 24

[Ebelskiver]

She's just not that into you. Sorry. If she was into you she could still see you but just not as much with her new schedule. I doubt there is anyone else, but her being busy is probably a good excuse to end something she wasn't all that crasy about.

 

Let her go. Maybe you will reconnect in the future but I wouldn't bet on it. Move on with your life.

[Entourage556]

When you meet up act like her "taking a break to focus on things" doesn't bother you. Then tell her you understand because you have been in the same headspace before. It is imperative that you tell her you have experienced the same thing, because down the line if she needs someone to confide in you will have established that you know what she is going through, even if you really don't.

 

As far as contact in the future, post what she says after your conversation. Pay attention to her wording and body language. I can't give you an answer until I know those things.

[evanescentworld]

Except to tell me that " So I don't really want to tell you via txt, but since I've been super busy lately. I figured sooner is better than later to tell you that after some time and deep consideration. I've decided dating right now with all the other stress I have ins't a good idea. I've been in a awful mood lately because I'm stressed out that I don't have any time to myself and I just need to take a break from it all"

...

 

"I do want to sit down and talk to you about it, but I just think it's all way too much to handle right now. I can't focus on anything but school. After this week it's going to be way more intense. I think just being friends is all I could handle, since I don't even have time to see my friends."

....

 

" idk, when things settle down is kind of a ways from now. I guess that would have to be determined then. As of right now I think relationships are alot of work that I'm not willing to put myself through until I'm where I want to be in terms of school and career."

 

She also said I didn't do anything and she just thinks she realized its bad timing for the relationship.

 

Look at the bolded text.

Note this and note this well:

 

She doesn't want a 'break' from you.

 

She's taking a break from all kinds of relationships with anyone, period.

 

She's breaking up with you.

 

This is the end of your relationship.

 

She's not your GF, she's now your ex.

This means you are now both free agents.

 

There is no 'temporary suspension' to this relationship. It's actually over.

No more.

Finished.

Ended.

 

 

I guess I'm asking is there hope since she loved everything about me and yea when school started I wanted to see her but she was busy. So we only saw eachother maybe 1-3 hours a week if that the last few weeks. So I know that added to her stress and she lives with her parents still and they want her to focus on school and not throw it away for me, so I know that adds stress.

 

Also guess I'm asking is when she wants to sit down and talk what should I say and/or should I also let her always make contact from now on? She means alot to me and I did to her a few days ago. I always was there to help her with anything she needed etc we were together a few months.

 

It looks highly unlikely that there is any hope whatsoever, so honestly? With all the effort you can muster, I would view yourself as completely single, available and begin the process of healing and moving on.

 

if it' only been 'a few months' then truly, there's no point lingering and wondering.

 

Read the No Contact Guide.

Do not contact her, and do not let her contact you, for anything, at any time, until - as outlined in the Guide - it's plainly evident she completely admits she 100% made a mistake....

 

But... a 'break'...? No.

 

'The end'...? Absolutely definitely no question.

[evanescentworld]

When you meet up act like her "taking a break to focus on things" doesn't bother you. Then tell her you understand because you have been in the same headspace before. It is imperative that you tell her you have experienced the same thing, because down the line if she needs someone to confide in you will have established that you know what she is going through, even if you really don't.

One, that's manipulative and deceitful, but more importantly,

 

Two - she now has no intention of meeting him.

 

There's no need. She's told him it's over, he claimed to completely understand, and she thanked him for being so understanding.

 

....

Except to tell me that " So I don't really want to tell you via txt, but since I've been super busy lately. I figured sooner is better than later to tell you that after some time and deep consideration. I've decided dating right now with all the other stress I have ins't a good idea. I've been in a awful mood lately because I'm stressed out that I don't have any time to myself and I just need to take a break from it all"

As far as she's concerned, it's got through, so a meeting now is superfluous. She won't contact him for a further meeting, because the whole original point of meeting - was to break up.

 

As far as contact in the future, post what she says after your conversation. Pay attention to her wording and body language. I can't give you an answer until I know those things.

We can. And as there will in all probability not be a meeting for his benefit (if there IS a meeting, it will be for her, to ease her own pangs of guilt) the answer's as plain as a pikestaff: All that needs saying, has already been said.

[Kinetica84]

Evening everyone,

 

So the last two weeks my girlfriend started nursing school and works 3 12hr shifts at the hospital as a tele CNA. She has been under alot of stress since school started and has been a different person since then. The last two days there really hasn't been contact that much except a few texts. Two nights ago she sent this "I'm going to go to sleep now honey. I'll txt you in the morning I love you". Everything seemed fine and then the following day she was busy at work and then today she didn't message at all.

 

Except to tell me that " So I don't really want to tell you via txt, but since I've been super busy lately. I figured sooner is better than later to tell you that after some time and deep consideration. I've decided dating right now with all the other stress I have ins't a good idea. I've been in a awful mood lately because I'm stressed out that I don't have any time to myself and I just need to take a break from it all"

 

 

Then I responded and she responded back

 

"I do want to sit down and talk to you about it, but I just think it's all way too much to handle right now. I can't focus on anything but school. After this week it's going to be way more intense. I think just being friends is all I could handle, since I don't even have time to see my friends."

 

I responded I understand etc etc... her response Well thank you for understanding it means alot.

 

I asked if we would have a chance down the road and she responded

 

" idk, when things settle down is kind of a ways from now. I guess that would have to be determined then. As of right now I think relationships are alot of work that I'm not willing to put myself through until I'm where I want to be in terms of school and career."

 

She also said I didn't do anything and she just thinks she realized its bad timing for the relationship.

 

 

I guess I'm asking is there hope since she loved everything about me and yea when school started I wanted to see her but she was busy. So we only saw eachother maybe 1-3 hours a week if that the last few weeks. So I know that added to her stress and she lives with her parents still and they want her to focus on school and not throw it away for me, so I know that adds stress.

 

Also guess I'm asking is when she wants to sit down and talk what should I say and/or should I also let her always make contact from now on? She means alot to me and I did to her a few days ago. I always was there to help her with anything she needed etc we were together a few months

 

Or Advice any of you have?

 

Shes 23 and I'm 24

 

I hate it when people use these excuses.

 

I don't know this girl but for me this is a cheap cop out excuse.

 

If someone wants to be with you they will be with you now matter how busy they are. They will find the time and make time for you.

 

If i were you mate, don't hold onto hope. Let her go and go work on YOURSELF, go date other girls, get back out with your friends.

 

I am so sorry this happening to you but do you really want to be with a girl who doesn't want to put the effort in?

[Entourage556]

@evan

 

Im allowed to disagree, thats what makes forums great. "Manipulative and deceitful" ... Ever hear of psychology?

 

Further, even if meeting is to relieve her of certain feelings that doesn't mean that the OP can't be proactive. Just because someone wants to run over you because they are in a state of anger or frustration doesn't mean you just let them do it.

[Cedar27]

Anyone on this site who gives absolutes such as "it's over forever, be done", "she doesn't love you", "never talk to her again", "there was definitely another guy", etc. is bitter and jaded from their own experiences. Or they just suck at giving advice. That is one of the reasons this site frustrates so much. Anyone who says such comments is coming from an extremely black and white, all or none frame of mind. Which, from a mental health standpoint, is a very unhealthy and destructive way to approach life and relationships. It's called "splitting" in psychology, and often stems from trauma. It is a way of thinking where that individual labels people, situations, and relationships in absolute terms. It's either A or B, black or white, on or off, etc. There are no gray areas. What's worse, is they are giving this advice based purely on a couple of (probably biased) paragraphs written by a complete stranger. Don't see how some of these people sleep at night. I wouldn't be able to.

 

Real life is not so black and white. Take every post here with a LARGE grain of salt, including mine.

 

Do I know for certain the relationship is over forever? I don't know, but for now it is. I would advise not being friends, as it usually does not end well and will not give her a chance to truly experience life without you. An equal and truly platonic friendship is only possible if both parties share no romantic feelings. You still do. In this case, I would simply tell her that you cannot be friends with her at this time and you need time out.

 

Give the whole thing a break right now. Work on yourself. See where the path leads, let her do all the contacting from this point on, at least for the near future. I know you are struggling with the break up, and it hurts like hell, but stay the course. Please don't become a needy insecure person that keeps reaching out to her. Your best chance of getting back with this woman depends on how you act from here on out. The quicker you can distance yourself from her and begin building a life without her, the sooner she may begin to rethink her decision.

 

Act as if it's over though, for good. It's healthy for you to understand that this is a real possibility. It's also the best chance you have to rekindle things. Think of it as a real sucky "win-win". You either get over her and find a better woman, or by distancing yourself from her and working on your own self improvement, you get your ex back. I know it's not the best scenario, but in all honesty…it's the best you got right now.

Edited January 31, 2015 by Cedar27

[Cedar27]

Also, understand you are both young….and this is a very common issue that many people go through in their early twenties. You are not alone. I am going through something similar so pm me if you need more support

[evanescentworld]

@evan

 

Im allowed to disagree, thats what makes forums great. "Manipulative and deceitful" ... Ever hear of psychology?

Yes, I've heard of psychology. But that isn't 'psychology'. That's manipulative. Psychology is the study of the mind, not the deceiving of it.

 

Further, even if meeting is to relieve her of certain feelings that doesn't mean that the OP can't be proactive. Just because someone wants to run over you because they are in a state of anger or frustration doesn't mean you just let them do it.

 

Quite right.

 

You side-step it and avoid the collision altogether.

 

[evanescentworld]

I love the newcomers who think they know different....

 

Some of us have been frequenting this site, on and off for years.

I first came here in 2005.

 

I really do hate to tell you guys, but when you've been around as long as us oldies and goldies - you'll understand why we post the way we do....

 

Sad, but true.

 

I truly admire your optimism.

And I promise, there is no sarcasm or condescension intended.

None.

[Cedar27]

Evan,

 

I've been a lurker on this board for years. If you are referring to me, you are in for a rude awakening. Look at my post history and see if I EVER, EVER gave an optimistic post. I never have. I am a Psychology graduate in a masters level program in Counseling, on track to get pre-licensed for marriage and family therapy. I am not a newbie when it comes to behavioral health.

 

The posters that come to this site deserve an objective voice of reason. One that does not damn their relationship to imminent death, nor does give them unrealistic optimism. I like to strike a balance between the two, because if you purely base your opinions based on websites like this, where people are down in the dumps and hurt you will begin to see life in a horribly negative light.

 

People often post when they are hurt and rejected, but are less likely to come back and post when things are going well. It's just as like if you spend your life in AA meetings, you may at a certain point see everyone as an alcoholic. It's all you know, after all. Think of this site as a sort of relationship "Yelp", people often post when they've had a bad meal, but seldom get the energy to come back to post a good experience at the restaurant.

 

I've seen a number of your posts, and to be honest with you….they all come from the same frame of mind. In my personal life, I know two handfuls of couples that had breaks and are now happily married. If they came to you for advice during the break up you would surely tell them it's over for good, go no contact forever, etc. Sorry bud, life doesn't always work that way. This is not to say that all stories end with happy endings, but they don't always end with the fire and brimstone hell that you dish out, post after post.

 

That being said, this is a forum and we have the rights to our opinions. I don't want go get into with you about the right or the wrong way to approach people in crisis. Perhaps we agree more with each other then we realize, but go about saying it in different ways. I don't know, but the last thing I want is for this thread to get derailed but I felt like your post may have been aimed at me. If not, I apologize.

Edited January 31, 2015 by Cedar27

[Mittens]

What I post is going to be of zero condolence to you, but she is doing the right thing for both of you.

 

She is aware that she just isn't going to be able to juggle both her career and a relationship at this point in time, and in my opinion, has made the correct decision to concentrate on her career, and leave you free to find another relationship.

 

How do I know she is right? Because when I was about the same age, I had the same choice. I could either pursue a good career or concentrate on my relationship with my now ex H. I choose my ex H, which 21 years later, is still the biggest mistake I've ever made. I choose short term gratification over long term success and stability.

 

I honestly think than anyone, male or female, should spend their early twenties building for a future for themselves, and not 'hitching their star' to another person. Life is long, and you have no idea what situation you may end up in 10, 20 years down the line. If you have a good career, you at least have something that can support you, something to build on.

 

My advice? Let her go. Look after yourself, enjoy your twenties. If feeling like she has done you wrong makes you feel better, go ahead. Down the line you will realise that she hasn't.

[evanescentworld]

Evan,

 

I've been a lurker on this board for years. If you are referring to me, you are in for a rude awakening. Look at my post history and see if I EVER, EVER gave an optimistic post. I never have. I am a Psychology graduate in a masters level program in Counseling, on track to get pre-licensed for marriage and family therapy. I am not a newbie when it comes to behavioral health.

 

The posters that come to this site deserve an objective voice of reason. One that does not damn their relationship to imminent death, nor does give them unrealistic optimism. I like to strike a balance between the two, because if you purely base your opinions based on websites like this, where people are down in the dumps and hurt you will begin to see life in a horribly negative light.

 

People often post when they are hurt and rejected, but are less likely to come back and post when things are going well. It's just as like if you spend your life in AA meetings, you may at a certain point see everyone as an alcoholic. It's all you know, after all. Think of this site as a sort of relationship "Yelp", people often post when they've had a bad meal, but seldom get the energy to come back to post a good experience at the restaurant.

 

I've seen a number of your posts, and to be honest with you….they all come from the same frame of mind. In my personal life, I know two handfuls of couples that had breaks and are now happily married. If they came to you for advice during the break up you would surely tell them it's over for good, go no contact forever, etc. Sorry bud, life doesn't always work that way. This is not to say that all stories end with happy endings, but they don't always end with the fire and brimstone hell that you dish out, post after post.

 

That being said, this is a forum and we have the rights to our opinions. I don't want go get into with you about the right or the wrong way to approach people in crisis. Perhaps we agree more with each other then we realize, but go about saying it in different ways. I don't know, but the last thing I want is for this thread to get derailed but I felt like your post may have been aimed at me. If not, I apologize.

 

 

Aaaah! I think I know who you are now!

 

Cool, ok. That's fine....

[Elle1975]

While I believe she really is busy with school, she is using it as an excuse to let you go.

[emt]

I appreciate everyone's responses and look forward to the other ones I read.

 

I just wanted to say even though we have been together a few months. I have been back home for the last month and so that's the only time we have had and with school starting. The last few weeks been wanting to hangout when she has been tired and busy and she told me it bothered her. So on Tue I said I realized I have put stress on her trying to hangout and she loved me for realizing it and she said thank you so much. So this coming out of the blue is just strange unless the stress got to a high point and she needed to cut one thing that may be causing some with not being able to see eachother etc.

[emt]

I do agree with this, since I have been home been trying to juggle everything and been stressing over my Paramedic school and job and trying to focus on her as well.

 

My biggest fear is not getting back, when i know how she feels if she still does like she did a few days ago.

[evanescentworld]

I honestly think the best thing for you to do is to go No Contact and wait for her to make the next move.

 

Seriously, all things considered so far, I really do.

 

Focus on yourself, keeping yourself busy and just carry on...

 

Wait.

I hate to say it, I would be surprised if she contacted you within a week.

 

2, maybe... yes, possibly .... she'll miss 'the attention' then.

But one week? All you'll get is total radio silence....

 

During week 1, she'll be relieved to not have to 'deal with you'...

 

Maybe during week 2, she'll wonder 'how you are'.....

 

Wait and see.

[emt]

Thanks Evan will do its hard because everything was out of the blue. Got to love stress and how it affects different people differently. She tell me weeks ago that she never stays friends with exs so guess that is a plus.