Her respect for me, self respect, No Contact and reconciliation.

[Dogberry_89]

Aside from me being such a pathetic sap, I'm sure there's some classic elements to this story.

 

My ex and I had been together for two years, on and off. I say on and off because we were doing long distance for much of it and that was difficult in itself. We had a situation where instead of talking things through I'd pick my conversations carefully but instead of talking them through she'd break up with me. This happened 5 or 6 times last year and at one point we even dated other people for a few weeks. I hung around like a back up plan and when things when sour with the other fella she came to me. Other times I would always go back to her asking for another chance and she would take me back and everything would be rosy for a short while until the next problem. She even created some minor trust issues which (a bit of dishonesty - from guilt I think), though it bred insecurity I found a way through for us to get back together again. This doesn't paint a great picture of me I know - love eh?

 

I moved a long way to her town (for work, it had been planned since before our relationship- though I suspect both of us think 'we' had something to do with it) a few months back and we started again. No arguments, much easier - long distance is a killer.

 

Trouble is her family doesn't like me, it's not really my fault - I think it's how she presents the relationship to them, perhaps partly our rocky history (which is ancient history now) and mostly Faith/Background issues. Family is very important to both of us but to her it's everything. Either way, she agreed that any problems I had previously brought to the relationship, I had made the changes needed to make it work.

 

Anyway after one minor bust up in early Jan she broke up with me. I could see it coming - back in December she said the family thing meant she couldn't see a future with me and she had some personal issues (re: self esteem etc) that she wanted to sort out on her own. My friends think she's one screw loose, but naturally as the dumpee I feel like the crazy.

 

I tried my usual pathetic behaviour of trying to get her back, not begging but "Hey let's grab coffee and have fun" and though she met me a couple of times she always had a freak-out - after 1-2 weeks of this she became resistant to the point where she said let's do NC. She used language like 'taking some space' and 'if I want this I will come to you' but that could all be letting me down lightly/her guilt. I dunno.

 

I have failed at NC for the last few days and reached out (not in a needy way - though it IS inherently needy) but reached out nonetheless and she has understandably responded badly. On occasion she's even inferred that only sympathy brought her back into the relationship every time - something I find hard to believe given it happened so often. I've apologised (writing this I think, "what a sap"), and I am committed to NC now for a month (to start with) to build some distance, independence and strength - but I DO want her back. That's assuming she has any respect for me left after I tried so hard to make it work.

 

I realise the questions are 'why?' do you want her back but that's something I'll get from NC. In the meantime let's say I do -what's my best strategy? We're still connected on FB etc but I'm managing to stay off it. I wonder if she has any respect for me left at all after all this - and thats probably the biggest inhibitor.

 

Here's the clincher for me. She agrees I loved her like no other (perhaps too much?) but she wants to be 'on her own'. Is there ANY CHANCE at all that she might reach out in a few weeks? I know this is the only option I have now, because I have to be done with trying to make it work myself.

[mightycpa]

How do you stay strong? Only you know what will work. Do it, whatever it is.

 

Will she reach out in a few weeks? Her family doesn't like you. She doesn't see a future with you. So, I'd have to say NO. And if she does, she's not doing you any favors.

 

Instead of hoping she begins to feel like you do, maybe you need to start hoping you feel like she does. Re-route that wishful energy.

[Dogberry_89]

Thank you Mightycpa - thats not necessarily the answer I hoped for, but it's sound advice and very sensible.