Feeling numb.

[violet39]

I’ve never done anything like this before and haven’t talked to anyone about my situation. It may help to know if maybe someone else out there has been through or felt something similar. Sorry about the length..

 

I have been with my boyfriend for just over three years. For a long time things were really amazing. He is my first real relationship and first love. When we first started dating we were at similar stages in life - we were both going to community college and working part-time jobs. He made it very clear from the beginning how much he genuinely cared for me. We shared our goals and talked about how we wanted to be with one another for a very long time. At the time we were both working towards our goals of starting careers and just growing in general. About 7 months into our relationship I transferred to a university and moved away, something he knew I was going to do since we first started dating. We were both really sad about me having to move away, even though it was only a two hour drive, but we were committed to making it work and he supported my decision. He treated me well and loved me hard. He was really clumsily romantic and was extremely loyal from the very beginning. I am pretty introverted and keep a small circle of people in my life and commit to those people. I don’t go through a bunch of short friendships or open up to many people, and he was the same way, so once we were involved we were committed to it and making it work no matter what. We didn’t fight often and made it through the semi-long distance relationship with very few bumps. He understands me in a way a lot of people don’t and accepts me and my flaws. He tells me he loves me as often as he can.

 

After I moved away to school, slowly but surely he stopped going to school and eventually quit his part-time job. At first I encouraged him and tried to help him and he assured me he was going to get a new job and go back to school and he did for a little bit. For a while I would pay for all of our dates and would be the one to make the drive on the weekends to visit. This went on for a while and started to get frustrating but I was so in love that I just wanted to spend time together and be optimistic. I reassured myself we were still young and he was still figuring things out. I reassured myself for two years. Eventually it felt like I was being taken advantage of and doing all of the work. I was working so hard in school and at my job so that we could have some fun from time to time and so that I could come home to see him. I would try to plan free things for us to do together or would do small gestures for him in the hopes that maybe he would try as well, but it never happened. He's always very affectionate, loving and loyal. I trust him 100% and know how he feels about me. He's just lazy. plain and simple. He would get a job for a bit and then be unemployed for even longer. I told him more than once that if he wanted to be together long term he needed to make some sort of plan for himself… school, work, whatever it may be. Our life together couldn't exist in a bubble forever. I would get really emotional and I would warn him that eventually his lack of motivation for himself and our relationship was going to become a problem for us and push me away. He told me he would figure it out and try, and then wouldn’t. Over and over. I gave him the benefit of the doubt over and over.

 

Now, he has been unemployed for almost five months with no intention of getting a job, going back to school, or even attempting to figure out what he wants to do. He spends his days waiting for me to come home. We stay cooped up in a bubble on the couch because it is up to me and my wallet whether or not we go out and do something together. There is no effort from him. Our routine of a relationship has made me really distant and he is holding on so tight. I am fresh out of college and I am proud of myself. I worked hard and lined up a job before I graduated and am now supporting myself. I don’t need money from him. I just want him to want better for himself, and want better for us. I want him to grow up and grow with me. I don’t feel like I am in a relationship, I feel like I am taking care of him. I know that he loves me so much and I love him too but how much longer am I supposed to wait for him to try, when it seems like maybe the only thing that would push him would be losing me. I know that I can’t change him, it’s just hard to decide if I want to accept this in my life.

 

A breaking point for me was this past Christmas. My birthday and Christmas are days apart. This was our 3rd christmas together, 3rd Christmas & birthday in a row that he was “so sorry he didn’t have money to get me anything.” The first year this happened, my feelings were very hurt that he didn’t even try to make something small or homemade when I went all out for him, but I didn’t want to be petty. I told him how I felt and he said he apologized over and over and would do better and I forgave him and believed him. The second year, I was extremely hurt. This year, I was just numb to it. I knew me being numb to it was a bad sign.

 

A couple weeks ago we had a really long, emotional conversation about all of this. I told him I was unhappy and we agreed to limit communication for a little while so that he could try to figure himself out. He was on board with this and we took a “break”. The break sort of fizzled and nothing has changed. He has been acting like everything is fine - per usual and I am just feeling so stuck. I used to get really emotional about this situation, among other things in our relationship. But what really makes me sad.. is that I am no longer sad. Maybe I am just repressing everything and my feelings about what might happen, but I am just numb and withdrawn from him. He’s not withdrawn at all and reminds me often that he wants to have a life together. But I think I may be past the point of giving chances. My family and friends and coworkers all sense something wrong for weeks now. I imagine my life out of this relationship but I don’t want to lose him from my life. I know that’s selfish but I’m just struggling to process how I feel and what I want. He is so dependent on me that I worry what losing me would do to him. Despite his flaws, he is a good hearted person and I love him very much and always will. He loves me despite my flaws, I don’t know if I’m being too harsh on accepting his.

[evanescentworld]

Good god, woman...

 

Let me put this bluntly:

 

You are as emotionally lethargic as he is in his whole life.

You're just doing nothing because you can no longer be bothered, and yes, you're right - you're numb.

 

The guy is a classic loser.

He's learnt to be entirely dependent on you, and you know why he does it?

 

Because - he - can.

 

You have been compliant in this, and have lost the will to do anything about it, so you have conceded defeat, and are doing precisely what he wants.

Yay him....

 

Cushy little number, he has there.

In his shoes, I'd do f*ckall too...

 

Everything he does (or doesn't do) you tacitly accept, because you can't be arsed to discuss it any more. And he sees that as an agreement, an endorsement of the way things are.

 

Well, you can't do anything at all, to stimulate him, so where's your control?

 

In you, of course.

 

Your only solution to this is to discern what you want; what would be good, profitable, productive, positive and beneficial to you....?

 

And you know precisely what that is.

 

Now get off your emotional backside, and be pro-active.

Change this.

Change yourself.

For the better.

 

Get motivated, get back into the swing of things, get success under your belt.

 

And get rid of him.

 

NOW.

[evanescentworld]

And frankly (I'm sorry) this is just utterly ridiculous and bizarre...

 

let's look at this....

 

but I am just numb and withdrawn from him.

So already, part of you has died...

 

He’s not withdrawn at all and reminds me often that he wants to have a life together.

No schytt Sherlock. Who wouldn't appreciate a free ride with no responsibilities?!

 

But I think I may be past the point of giving chances. My family and friends and coworkers all sense something wrong for weeks now. I imagine my life out of this relationship but I don’t want to lose him from my life.

Why?

Because he's nice, kind, loving? Responsive?

You know, my pet dog is exactly like that too...

 

If everyone's noticed it, don't you think there's a clue there?

 

I know that’s selfish but I’m just struggling to process how I feel and what I want.

No. It's not selfish. It's 'Co-Dependent'. You're needed, wanted and you provide a service. So you know that withdrawing that means you'll change your status too, and you won't be in that position. You sense that as a lack....

 

He is so dependent on me that I worry what losing me would do to him.

And there's my point, made.

Remember one thing:

He's not dependent on you because of a concrete need.

He's dependent on you, because of CHOICE.

 

He's made a choice to take everything you have to give, and give nothing in return.

 

And YOU have chosen to let him.

 

Co-dependency.

 

 

Despite his flaws, he is a good hearted person and I love him very much and always will. He loves me despite my flaws, I don’t know if I’m being too harsh on accepting his.

As I said, this kind of affection is available, in spades, for a new puppy.

I suggest therefore that in order to fill the void after kicking this parasitic ingrate out, you buy a dog from a rescue centre which really needs the kind of love and affection you are so ready and willing to give.

because you will get it back 100fold, unconditionally and with the bonus that once you teach a new dog, new tricks - it will keep doing them, and improve...

[violet39]

Thank you. I will say I haven't done nothing. I've done everything I could short of ending it, which most likely is what will change things for him. We all need a kick in the ass sometimes. Just sucks and had to get it off my chest.

[evanescentworld]

Well if you've done everything bar end it - now, you end it.

 

And you cut off all contact, and only listen to "I promise I will change" after he's actually changed, and maintained it.

 

For a year.

[towardthefuture]

Well if you've done everything bar end it - now, you end it.

 

And you cut off all contact, and only listen to "I promise I will change" after he's actually changed, and maintained it.

 

For a year.

 

Well, I have to admit this confuses me slightly because I feel like if the fella came on here he'd be told 'no contact', not 'tell her you promise you will change, maintain change, and keep her updated for a year'.

 

I mean it seems like sound advice. But both sets of advice couldn't possibly be true and these folks could get over their issues and be happy, right?

[evanescentworld]

Well, I have to admit this confuses me slightly because I feel like if the fella came on here he'd be told 'no contact', not 'tell her you promise you will change, maintain change, and keep her updated for a year'.

By the time people on here are advised to go NC, a degree of contact has already been attempted/taken place.

He would be told No Contact' but I bet you anything you like, he would already have tried everything within his power to convince her to stay - including promising to change.

 

At this point, he would be advised

 

"Then change: But do it for yourself, not for anyone else. Reap the benefit of transfomation, by putting all you've got into improving yourself - for yourself.

Prove you can do it and sustain it.

 

If the spark is still there, and you guys still have an emotional connection, it could swing things. But you have to put your money where your mouth is."

 

 

 

I mean it seems like sound advice. But both sets of advice couldn't possibly be true and these folks could get over their issues and be happy, right?

Both sets of advice are absolutely sound AND true.

Furthermore, that's what it would take for these issues to be sorted.

Because up to now, everything the OP has done, hasn't worked, has it?

[towardthefuture]

By the time people on here are advised to go NC, a degree of contact has already been attempted/taken place.

He would be told No Contact' but I bet you anything you like, he would already have tried everything within his power to convince her to stay - including promising to change.

 

At this point, he would be advised

 

"Then change: But do it for yourself, not for anyone else. Reap the benefit of transfomation, by putting all you've got into improving yourself - for yourself.

Prove you can do it and sustain it.

 

If the spark is still there, and you guys still have an emotional connection, it could swing things. But you have to put your money where your mouth is."

 

 

 

 

Both sets of advice are absolutely sound AND true.

Furthermore, that's what it would take for these issues to be sorted.

Because up to now, everything the OP has done, hasn't worked, has it?

 

It's like a buddhist meditation. If a man changes in the woods, but no one is around to see it, has he really changed? I mean, if she's not contacting him, and he's not contacting her ---------------- it doesn't really make much difference whether he changed or not.

 

This is something that's specifically brought up in the reconciliation chapter of this book

 

Added by moderation: Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships

 

Breakups often catalyze the very change that would have saved the breakup -- the irony being that the dumper is completely unaware of any changes as they've moved on and established no contact. By the time they come to check in on the dumpee, after their resentments have subsided, the dumpee has moved on.

 

Saying you plan to do something in a year usually just doesn't work out. Plans that far in advance just usually take a left turn.

 

I mean the relationship is dysfunctional for sure. She should probably break up with him. But, I think in this kind of instance, there may be some room for some kind of backdoor communication so she can become aware of any progress or lack of progress if she so chooses or cares -- like have a mutual friend keep an eye on him and not tell her anything unless she asks or there's a big development.

 

The dude shouldn't know this is going on.

 

That's my advice.

Edited January 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed commercial link

[evanescentworld]

It's like a buddhist meditation. If a man changes in the woods, but no one is around to see it, has he really changed? I mean, if she's not contacting him, and he's not contacting her ---------------- it doesn't really make much difference whether he changed or not.

I'm sure if there are avenues to be left open, they will be discussed. It depends how much of that she wants, and how much of that he intends to do....(and it's nothing like the buddhist meditation, because change will be apparent to someone, even if it's just him.

 

This is something that's specifically brought up in the reconciliation chapter of this book

(Commercial link not permitted, I believe...)

 

Breakups often catalyze the very change that would have saved the breakup

No often enough, I'm afraid....

 

And look what you said: "That WOULD HAVE saved." not "that could still potentially prevent...."

 

-- the irony being that the dumper is completely unaware of any changes as they've moved on and established no contact. By the time they come to check in on the dumpee, after their resentments have subsided, the dumpee has moved on.

Well that's often a good thing, isn't it? It demonstrates an incompatibility... you can't undo the past, so may as well focus on making a better future, even if it's not together...

 

 

Saying you plan to do something in a year usually just doesn't work out. Plans that far in advance just usually take a left turn.

The road less travelled. What fun! Who wants to go backwards, anyway?!

 

I mean the relationship is dysfunctional for sure. She should probably break up with him. But, I think in this kind of instance, there may be some room for some kind of backdoor communication so she can become aware of any progress or lack of progress if she so chooses or cares -- like have a mutual friend keep an eye on him and not tell her anything unless she asks or there's a big development.

well she's not going to dump him without any explanation, is she - ?!

I'm sure that everything that needs to be said, will be said.

 

The dude shouldn't know this is going on.

 

That's my advice.

Well that's stupid advice because that's furtive and deceptive.

Either they maintain Limited Contact for this purpose alone, or they cut and run, and agree to go their separate ways.

But underhand spying with an agenda is pointless, unproductive and inhibits progress on her part.

She's got to break, and frankly, quit caring.

He needs to pull his socks up and get on, shoulder to the boulder.

Edited January 29, 2015 by evanescentworld

[evanescentworld]

I don't respond to ad hominem attacks and insults.

As a Buddhist myself, (so yes, I know the Koan) I choose to leave you with your own words to mull over, rather than take the thread off topic and make this all about you, rather than the OP.

 

Good night, sleep well.