myheartaches Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Because they most certainly can't! Most females will get attached to you, so what's the point in hurting that person? I'm just venting. My "FWB" (I didn't know it was a FWB) lasted 10 months! Don't you think that's like impossible for a girl not to get attached when it goes on that long?! How could he be so cold... why keep it going with me if he didn't have the right connection with me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
toooldforthis Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Because they most certainly can't! Most females will get attached to you, so what's the point in hurting that person? I'm just venting. My "FWB" (I didn't know it was a FWB) lasted 10 months! Don't you think that's like impossible for a girl not to get attached when it goes on that long?! How could he be so cold... why keep it going with me if he didn't have the right connection with me I am in a FWB situation right now and am finding it uncomfortable already even though I went into it eyes wide open. We were and are best friends first. I am trying to keep it real as I can but the line is starting to blur a bit. I remind myself every day that it is FWB and nothing more, for the sake of not ruining our friendship but my roommate SEEMS to be getting attached to me and I KNOW I'm getting attached to him. I realize that men and women see things much differently, they think with logic and we think with emotion. I would love to hear their response to your question! so BUMP! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 It works both ways. It's not just one sex versus the other. And it works, but it only ever works for the short-term. Eventually it either progresses or it falls apart. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
toooldforthis Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 (edited) It works both ways. It's not just one sex versus the other. And it works, but it only ever works for the short-term. Eventually it either progresses or it falls apart. How do you know if its progressing..? I mean, what kind of things would a guy do if he were actually falling for the FWB? My FWB stopped talking to this old flame of his after he and I started. Now he says nothing will come of it because of their past but she has no idea as he hasn't answered her calls in two weeks after talking to her nearly every day beforehand. Edited January 29, 2015 by toooldforthis 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Because they most certainly can't! They can if you're the guy. Most females will get attached to you, so what's the point in hurting that person? I'm going to be very blunt here: That's your problem, not his. And he's not hurting you - you are. You KNOW it's a FWB situation. And if you feel yourself beginning to get emotionally drawn in - you don 't participate any longer. If you already know, at the outset that you have (secret) feelings for the guy - don't even begin! I'm just venting. My "FWB" (I didn't know it was a FWB) lasted 10 months! In that case, it wasn't a FWB. On your part, it was a relationship. If he knew how you felt from the beginning, he's the skank who led you on - but you can't call it an FWB, Don't you think that's like impossible for a girl not to get attached when it goes on that long?! Of course he knew. he just led you on for the sex. Why ruin a good thing by admitting that? How could he be so cold... why keep it going with me if he didn't have the right connection with me Oh he had the absolutely perfect connection with you - in his mind. And that's all that mattered. But this wasn't a FWB. This was deceit to the nastiest degree. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Because they most certainly can't! Most females will get attached to you, so what's the point in hurting that person? I'm just venting. My "FWB" (I didn't know it was a FWB) lasted 10 months! Don't you think that's like impossible for a girl not to get attached when it goes on that long?! How could he be so cold... why keep it going with me if he didn't have the right connection with me You poor thing! First, if you didn't know you were an FWB, then either he lied to you (his fault) or you weren't communicating (both fault) or you didn't believe the signs (your fault). Second, yes, women can be FWB's. I had one for 12 years. We were "like that" the whole time, even when each of us was dating other people (ie, we cheated with each other). Sometimes, we'd date each other, on and off. We did things together, and it didn't always result in sex at the end of the day. We'd sometimes go out to bars together, and go home separately, sometimes together. We were friends first, and sex was a close second. Eventually, I introduced her to the man she married. She and I were reminiscing, and she said to me that she liked me, but she never loved me romantically. She just really liked the way I could do the horizontal mambo, and she always felt taken care of, and that I wouldn't run out the door that night or the next AM. And she always turned me on... I never got tired of being with her, but I never fell in love either. We were just really good friends. We banged one last time that night. Ah, so sweet! We share a secret together. He doesn't know about our past. He never will, as far as I'm concerned. I wouldn't betray her that way. So that's how you do it, if that's really what you want. Most women don't. They'd rather bounce around from guy to guy until they find what they want. I had her, and I bounced around from woman to woman too. Both ways were fun, and worth a try. Good luck! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I am in a FWB situation right now and am finding it uncomfortable already even though I went into it eyes wide open. We were and are best friends first. I am trying to keep it real as I can but the line is starting to blur a bit. I remind myself every day that it is FWB and nothing more, for the sake of not ruining our friendship but my roommate SEEMS to be getting attached to me and I KNOW I'm getting attached to him. I realize that men and women see things much differently, they think with logic and we think with emotion. I would love to hear their response to your question! so BUMP! Wouldn't the simple solution to your discomfort be - to actually talk about it? And if you're both seemingly becoming emotionally attached - is that a bad thing? Why would it be so bad for you to have a transition from a FWB to a relationship? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
toooldforthis Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Wouldn't the simple solution to your discomfort be - to actually talk about it? And if you're both seemingly becoming emotionally attached - is that a bad thing? Why would it be so bad for you to have a transition from a FWB to a relationship? I want to, definitely..just scared of ruining things, making things "weird" after we agreed to not "go there". I don't think its necessarily a bad thing but with us both being recently out of other relationships I just wonder if it isn't more of a rebound thing for one or even, both of us. I would love to be, don't get me wrong. I just don't want to bring it up and be wrong about his feelings..you know? that would make it very weird since I can't move out anytime soon, I'm here for at least the next year. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I want to, definitely..just scared of ruining things, making things "weird" after we agreed to not "go there". I don't think its necessarily a bad thing but with us both being recently out of other relationships I just wonder if it isn't more of a rebound thing for one or even, both of us. I would love to be, don't get me wrong. I just don't want to bring it up and be wrong about his feelings..you know? that would make it very weird since I can't move out anytime soon, I'm here for at least the next year. BUT are you prepared to be "used" for sex for the next year, instead of getting out there and forging a new relationship with someone who would cherish you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Its zero calorie pseudo-intimacy. No thanks 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I want to, definitely..just scared of ruining things, making things "weird" after we agreed to not "go there". I don't think its necessarily a bad thing but with us both being recently out of other relationships I just wonder if it isn't more of a rebound thing for one or even, both of us. I would love to be, don't get me wrong. I just don't want to bring it up and be wrong about his feelings..you know? that would make it very weird since I can't move out anytime soon, I'm here for at least the next year. So, seeing that you're catching emotions, how long will you wait it out before you say something? If you talk about it and he doesn't feel the same way, you save yourself pain. If you talk about it and he is on board, it's a perfect outcome. Either way you win. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I realize that men and women see things much differently, they think with logic and we think with emotion. Yeah right. I do not want to answer for other man, but there is a reason why I never ventured into casual sex. And it is not for the reason that I am that logical. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Yeah right. I do not want to answer for other man, but there is a reason why I never ventured into casual sex. And it is not for the reason that I am that logical. You make an excellent point. There are a lot of people who get emotionally involved much more easily than others. They cannot be FWB's. It takes a personality that doesn't latch on just because they're having sex with someone. Some people's emotions get necessarily involved, because that's who they are. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 It works both ways. It's not just one sex versus the other. And it works, but it only ever works for the short-term. Eventually it either progresses or it falls apart. It almost never progresses from the guy's perspective. For men in general (not all, but most IMO), how they perceive a woman the first time they sleep with him is how they'll always perceive her. If they see her as a long-term romantic option, then sleeping together will make them up the ante. If they see them as an FWB, then that's all they'll ever be. It's virtually impossible for a girl to make the leap from being an FWB to being a girlfriend. One of my best friends was with a girl for 2.5 years. It wasn't exactly a FWB situation, as they'd go on dates and do boyfriend-girlfriend things, but he clearly told her multiple times that he didn't see them ever getting married. But she kept after it, thinking that continuing to date him would convince him that she was the one for him. She broke up with him three times and not once did he question it or try to get her back. He shrugged his shoulders and didn't do a thing. The first time she came back within a week and had sex with him. The second she lasted a month before crawling back. I kept asking him why he'd take her back if he didn't see a long-term future and he told me that it was easier than having to go out and look for sex, so why not? I said as long as he communicated with her that they weren't going to get married eventually or do that, then it's on her. He said he had repeatedly, but it wasn't his job to save her from herself and that when he'd attempt to (by not communicating with her after they broke up) she'd come back. The third break-up finally took and she stayed away for good. A couple of months later, my friend met a woman who he was really into from the jump. Within 8 months they were living together and within a year of that they were married. I just made a short story long, but the point of the matter is -- once a guy puts you in a certain category and has sex with you, he's not going to change his mind. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author myheartaches Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 They can if you're the guy. I'm going to be very blunt here: That's your problem, not his. And he's not hurting you - you are. You KNOW it's a FWB situation. And if you feel yourself beginning to get emotionally drawn in - you don 't participate any longer. If you already know, at the outset that you have (secret) feelings for the guy - don't even begin! In that case, it wasn't a FWB. On your part, it was a relationship. If he knew how you felt from the beginning, he's the skank who led you on - but you can't call it an FWB, Of course he knew. he just led you on for the sex. Why ruin a good thing by admitting that? Oh he had the absolutely perfect connection with you - in his mind. And that's all that mattered. But this wasn't a FWB. This was deceit to the nastiest degree. I really loved all of your advice. I appreciate you taking the time to analyze my situation. I'm glad that you were so blunt with me, and I should no longer dwell on this guy because he obviously was an ******* (he was my best friend at the time, told me he liked me, but wasn't ready for a relationship). Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I really loved all of your advice. I appreciate you taking the time to analyze my situation. I'm glad that you were so blunt with me, and I should no longer dwell on this guy because he obviously was an ******* (he was my best friend at the time, told me he liked me, but wasn't ready for a relationship). He's just a shallow person, unfortunately. Learn to recognise the type and steer clear of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I've had 4 FWB's... I knew BEFORE we had sex that I'd never want to date them. Three of them really fell for me, but I made it clear I didn't want a relationship. That didn't stop them from continuing to hookup with me. This may hurt, but I think both men and women know before they have sex whether or not they want to even date that person, especially when they're friends first and know each other. If I had a friend who I started having feelings for and wanted to date, I couldn't do a FWB with her and would be crushed if that's the only way she saw it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I currently have a FWB. Both of us completely understand that it is a strictly sexual thing. She also knows that I am currently looking for a girlfriend, and that there are other girls that I would like to date. As far as I know she is actively going on dates with other guys. Odds are this situation will end when she starts seriously dating somebody. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sfbvarela Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 FWB with an ex definitely wont. Ime, it just wont. Happened to me, we fell in love again, or so thought we did. Ended up in a much more painful break up 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author myheartaches Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Yeah right. I do not want to answer for other man, but there is a reason why I never ventured into casual sex. And it is not for the reason that I am that logical. Why don't you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author myheartaches Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 I've had 4 FWB's... I knew BEFORE we had sex that I'd never want to date them. Three of them really fell for me, but I made it clear I didn't want a relationship. That didn't stop them from continuing to hookup with me. This may hurt, but I think both men and women know before they have sex whether or not they want to even date that person, especially when they're friends first and know each other. If I had a friend who I started having feelings for and wanted to date, I couldn't do a FWB with her and would be crushed if that's the only way she saw it. What is your definition of FWB?? Bc I spoke to my best friend every single day via text for over a year and a half. We went out to eat, went to see movies, but idk if they were dates... I never asked. He bought me an expensive Christmas present in 2013 (Fitbit) and I only slept with him and he only slept with me for the 10 months we were doing stuff. Is that FWB? Or was he just a dick to made me his rebound?!?! Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 What is your definition of FWB?? A person that you sleep with but aren't dating. Bc I spoke to my best friend every single day via text for over a year and a half. We went out to eat, went to see movies, but idk if they were dates... I never asked. Who's fault is that? He bought me an expensive Christmas present in 2013 (Fitbit) and I only slept with him and he only slept with me for the 10 months we were doing stuff. Is that FWB? Or was he just a dick to made me his rebound?!?! You're an FWB until both of you agree to be otherwise. It doesn't matter what you think, want, feel or need to believe. It doesn't matter what gifts he bought you or how sexually exclusive you were. I have an FWB, he's not sleeping with anyone else and neither am I but that means very little. I wouldn't date him if you put a gun to my head (and I'm sure the reverse is also true). If you A) haven't had "the talk" or B) have had "the talk" and determined the situation has zero chance of progressing, then everything else is irrelevant. Why is this so hard for some people to understand? Just because you never bothered to ask where things were headed - or saw where things were headed but still wanted to believe otherwise - doesn't mean he lied to you or lead you on or was a dick or any other derogatory term. If you wanted something more the onus was on you to speak up and say so, not sit back and silently hope things would play out in your favor. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author myheartaches Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 A person that you sleep with but aren't dating. Who's fault is that? You're an FWB until both of you agree to be otherwise. It doesn't matter what you think, want, feel or need to believe. It doesn't matter what gifts he bought you or how sexually exclusive you were. I have an FWB, he's not sleeping with anyone else and neither am I but that means very little. I wouldn't date him if you put a gun to my head (and I'm sure the reverse is also true). If you A) haven't had "the talk" or B) have had "the talk" and determined the situation has zero chance of progressing, then everything else is irrelevant. Why is this so hard for some people to understand? Just because you never bothered to ask where things were headed - or saw where things were headed but still wanted to believe otherwise - doesn't mean he lied to you or lead you on or was a dick or any other derogatory term. If you wanted something more the onus was on you to speak up and say so, not sit back and silently hope things would play out in your favor. Would it make him a dick if he KNEW I was a virgin? No guy has ever showed interest in me before him (I was 20). He was my first everything. First guy I really hugged, kissed, had sex with, slept with in bed. I feel like he shouldve known I was very vulerable because I did nothing before, and he knew that. I told him I would never just give my virginity to just anyone. That person had to be special to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Why don't you? Because it feels meaningless to me if I do not feel something for the other. It takes the lust away for me if that part is missing. Plus having sex releases a lot of hormones. I do not want to risk getting attached to someone who only sees me as a medium to release herself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author myheartaches Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Because it feels meaningless to me if I do not feel something for the other. It takes the lust away for me if that part is missing. Plus having sex releases a lot of hormones. I do not want to risk getting attached to someone who only sees me as a medium to release herself. You are just so fabulous! :) I feel totally the same! I'd never do casual sex because well if I don't like you, please don't touch me.... Lol Link to post Share on other sites
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