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I know I have to break up with her


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I apologize if I'm posting in the wrong forum but I couldn't find any guidelines.

 

 

A little back story on my current relationship, she's 5 years older than me and has two kids. A boy 14 and a girl 21. I have none. We've had an on again and off again relationship for 3 years. She lives 30 minutes away in another city. She really loves me and I love her too.

 

In the past we've broken up after little arguments that escalate. To be honest I've always felt relieved when this happened almost like I was waiting for an excuse. The first time it happened I moved heaven and hell to get her back but then it happened again. She took me back after she contacted me a month later.

 

 

The last time we broke up was last January. She wanted me to move into her house and I felt I wasn't enough for her. Part of me knows we're not right for each other but I do love her. She contacted in June and I feeling those old feelings started communicating again with her over the month just really missing her. I put on the charm and got her back.

 

 

I've always understood her kids come first, they are older now and one is moved out to school. She really wants me to move in again but I always feel like a stranger trying to fit into her family. When we're together I really enjoy it and don't want to her hurt. Worse, the last time we got back together she said she couldn't have kids and I agreed that I didn't want them. Over the course of Christmas it became apparent to me that she has this great family and this unconditional love from her children and for them. I'm just an observer of this. Christmas I felt like a stranger as her kids just waited for presents from me. It just didn't feel like a family Christmas. It felt like I was a bystander. My Grandma passed away in the home a few weeks ago, with all my immediate family around her and we watched home movies of all our Christmas's together and I really just want that again with kids of my own. My grandmother led a great life and was ready to die with her family around her. I don't think I'm being to selfish to want that for myself, when I see that she already has it and has raised a family. She's pointed out other couples who haven't been able to have kids but stay together because they love eachother. But she has her family.

 

 

It doesn't make me love her any less but it seems I'm not connecting into her family unit. As the weeks go on I find myself drifting from her and as I drift the stronger she pulls me and the more she gets hurt. I love her and don't want to hurt her but it seems either way it's going to happen. I'm also going to hurt for myself and her because what we have has been so good and I don't want to break up with her because of who she is but because of what I need.

 

 

The more I write the more it seems so obvious I need to talk to her and end it. I'm just not ready for the anger or to see her hurt. To see her have to tell her family and feel alone. I don't want her to feel like a fool because she's not, I do love her. Selfishly but honestly the thought of her moving on hurts me too. It scares me and perhaps that's why we have gotten back together in the past. I can't deal with her mad at me or the thought of her hurting. The tears welling up and the hate in her eyes cause I've done this again.

I've put it off as she's going to a family event next weekend and I don't want her to have to feel that way while she's with family. I don't know if I'm making the right choice to wait though. We almost broke up before Christmas but I didn't want to because I couldn't bare the thought of her going to her family's and having to tell them and how she might feel doing that. I know that might be wrong, I know she's stronger than that but she loves me so much and I love her too. She's said it in other break ups that we're just and different points in our lives and I never understood that, and have convinced her that we aren't. But I realize through all my faults that she is right, but that's not going to make her feel any better. If it were up to her, she'd have me move in, marry me and we'd live happily ever after. I guess ironically my biggest fear is her hating me, or ironically losing her...which I know will have to happen. The anger and then again selfishly....being on my own and not having her. That might sound self absorbed but I'm being honest. I don't want to hurt her anymore but I can't regret my life with her when I turn 60 and she has grandchildren and I still feel like an outsider.

 

 

I know deep down to be fair to her we have to cut all ties because the feelings are to real but the obstacles can't be overcome. I haven't been fair to her in the past and I deserve her anger.

 

 

My question then is how do I handle this to hurt her the least? How do I give her and her feelings the respect she deserves...with the love that I have for her. How do I handle the complete tearing apart of us in the coming months aftermath when I selfishly feel lonely or she contacts me and this starts all over again. It would be a lot easier if I didn't care for her although I know if the last couple of break ups I should've cared for her more by not reaching out to her or by not allowing her to reach back to me.

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Definitely open up to her about how you truly feel: the distance you feel from the family unit, the times you both were on and off again, etc. All of it.

 

Like you said, If at 60, you just can't see yourself growing with her, children, grandchildren still feeling the way you do, it is best to lovingly talk it out and explain why it is best to end the relationship. There will be heartache but as stated before go total NC so that you two don't go back and forth.

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I dated someone with kids once. It's really tough. I applaud you for trying. The best way is to have a honest conversation and just go NC. Think about what it's like to stay. It's a dead end anyway.

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My question then is how do I handle this to hurt her the least? How do I give her and her feelings the respect she deserves...with the love that I have for her. How do I handle the complete tearing apart of us in the coming months aftermath when I selfishly feel lonely or she contacts me and this starts all over again. It would be a lot easier if I didn't care for her although I know if the last couple of break ups I should've cared for her more by not reaching out to her or by not allowing her to reach back to me.

 

The answer to your question is that you be honest and upfront with her. If you care for her as much as you say you do, this is how you give her proper respect. You cannot control, however, how much pain she feels or doesn't feel. You have to let that go and do what is best for the both of you. When she contacts you at a time when you are lonely and both of you are vulnerable, that's when you prove how much you love her by not responding. There isn't any rocket science here - it's about doing what is best and right for the long-haul and stop being a slave to the temporal. If you don't, you will blink and another five years will have passed.

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Don't worry too much about hurting her. Hurt may be inevitable, and it really isn't your responsibility or even under your control. Just don't be an a**hole about it.

 

I would suggest you find a public place, maybe a coffee shop that's not that crowded. Start out with the announcement

 

Matilda, I don't want to see you anymore. I've given this a lot of thought, and I've decided that you are not the person for me. I don't want to continue. I'm not unhappy that we tried, but not all relationships work out in the long run. This is one that won't, so I'm going to end it.
In that announcement above, I've repeated the same message 5 times. This is important, because she will remember the words you say, and by saying it over and over again, in the near future, she won't be able to ignore it.

 

After that, you're going to get the inevitable question, WHY? Truthfully, why shouldn't really matter. It's your decision, and the reasons are good enough for you, so that's all that counts. But she's going to want to evaluate your reasoning, and most likely, she'll either discount them, disagree, or promise to change. You'll want either one big one, or two or three reasonable ones. Don't elaborate too much, just get the point across.

 

She may want to argue with you, fight for her relationship with you. She may want some time to think about it, or she might get pissed. You will want to allow her some back and forth to cross-examine you a little, just stick to your guns, and let her get that impulse out.

 

You're liable to hear some form of this question:

 

Is there somebody else?
The best answer I can think of is:

 

No, not yet, but I do plan on dating pretty soon. It's only fair that I tell you that.
at some point, you'll want to close with something like:

 

You know, this isn't going to be easy for either of us. I'm sure we'll both miss each other, terribly sometimes, and we'll want to pick up the phone, or text or get in touch somehow. But that will just drag things out, and I don't want that. I'm not going to contact you, and I would ask that you don't contact me. This won't be easy, but it is necessary, and it's too bad that things are this way. If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't ask this of you. But I plan to do what's best for the both of us. If I hear from you, you won't hear back from me.

 

Then when you're ready to leave, don't forget to say goodbye.

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