Throwing In The Towel, How To Handle Moving Out?

[Almond_Joy]

Hi everyone,

 

Ive been with my BF for a little over 3 years and have lived with him for about 2 of them. We've had some problems and worked most of them out except in the sex department. I've finally accepted we're not sexually compatible and the thought of having this sex life for the rest of my life horrifies me. So I'm at the point now that I'm ready to propose a break up/

 

The thing is I'm in a terrible position financially. I only make minimum wage right now and am trying to get out but can't get offers for anything more than 25k/yr. I am making monthly payments to a bankruptcy attorney now and have a private student loan that I can no longer defer so that's 300/mo gone. Right now that leaves me about 700 for rent, bills, groceries, gas and everything else.

 

The bankruptcy and student loan are starting next month, and that's the only reason I've been able to keep up with paying half on everything. My BF agreed to let me contribute 300 less to put towards the bankruptcy and bills. He makes more than me and can technically afford this place and all bills on his own.

 

I've talked about this with my close friend and mother several times. They both say for me to stay until I'm in a better position financially and can save up some money. To me this feels wrong. I get that would be to my benefit, but the idea of him covering me financially even partially when I'm not on the same page with him relationship wise feels like I'm leading him on and taking advantage of him.

 

I'm scared to propose a break up before I've got somewhere to go because he could get angry and vindictive and make my life more miserable than it already is. I get that I'm afforded a lot of consideration and special accommodation because I'm his GF - if we aren't together he can become a dick to live with. Our lease is up in April and it renews annually so if I don't move by then I'm here for another year.

 

I'm not sure which is the lesser of two evils here - staying and trying to pretend we're ok so I have financial security or leaving and risking my ability to have somewhere to live.

 

Any suggestions on how to look at this or which to settle on? It really bothers me to have sex with someone and let them give me special treatment when I know we're not on the same page.

[Els]

I've talked about this with my close friend and mother several times. They both say for me to stay until I'm in a better position financially and can save up some money. To me this feels wrong. I get that would be to my benefit, but the idea of him covering me financially even partially when I'm not on the same page with him relationship wise feels like I'm leading him on and taking advantage of him.

 

I agree with you, I think it's wrong to allow him to cover your bills if you are planning on breaking up with him. I'm aghast your mother and close friend would suggest that.

 

I'm scared to propose a break up before I've got somewhere to go because he could get angry and vindictive and make my life more miserable than it already is. I get that I'm afforded a lot of consideration and special accommodation because I'm his GF - if we aren't together he can become a dick to live with. Our lease is up in April and it renews annually so if I don't move by then I'm here for another year.

 

On the other hand if you think this is what will happen (that he will get vindictive), there is no harm in taking some time (a week or so) to arrange alternative accommodation before telling him so you can move out the day you tell him.

 

Have you no other alternatives? Can your parents let you move in with them temporarily while you sort things out?

[Almond_Joy]

Hi Elswyth,

 

No unfortunately. My mom is in a 1-bdrm sr apt that only allows for 1 person to live in the unit. Even though she has offered me her place she would run the risk of losing it if she let me stay and I'm not going to put her in that position.

 

My close friend was the only one I'd have felt comfortable rooming with otherwise, but she moved out of state. I'm not close enough with anyone else to propose shared living arrangements.

 

Right now I've found a couple room shares/rentals that I should be able to swing. I don't mind living with new people and a lot of the places come already furnished so I wouldn't have to worrry about an extra expense there. Just put aside a couple hundred for movers and that's it. All I've got mostly are clothes and books.

[mightycpa]

Wow. That's some real practical motherly advice you got there.

 

Take his money and keep ****ing him until you can stand up on your own two feet and leave

Clearly, you know what the right thing to do is. The only question is whether you'll do it.

[Els]

Right now I've found a couple room shares/rentals that I should be able to swing. I don't mind living with new people and a lot of the places come already furnished so I wouldn't have to worrry about an extra expense there. Just put aside a couple hundred for movers and that's it. All I've got mostly are clothes and books.

 

Sounds like a plan. If all you have are clothes and books, you could move them in your car, too, and save on the movers.

 

Good luck!

[writergal]

It was great for your mom to offer you a place with her temporarily. Since you have no other real options, I would strongly suggest you crash on your mom's couch for at least 3 months. Help her with grocery costs, clean the apt. for her as a show of good faith, and save every dime you can.

 

I lived with my mother for a year after I moved back home from having lived out of state for a few years. It helped me while I looked for a job and then save up enough for rent. So, I see that as your best option at this point. And if her nosy neighbors ask, it's none of their business. "I"m just visiting" is all you have to say.

 

Even if your mom lives in a retirement apt. community, I highly doubt you'll have the caretaker or neighbors banging on your mom's apt. door demanding that you pay rent. So, reconsider it and talk to your mom about a weekend you could move in, since all you have are books and clothes.

 

Then, have a talk with your boyfriend. Tell him that you need some space from the relationship and will be moving out; say that you will keep in touch with him as you take time to think about what you want from the relationship. Then you can transition to breaking up with him after you've moved out.

 

I also empathize with you about the bankruptcy and student loans. I have student loan payments every month now as well, so my life is pretty much a no frills one financially-speaking (no smartphone, no cable tv, no car payments luckily). Sometimes all those extra luxuries are actually a huge waste of money when you think about it.

 

Good luck!