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HopeLessLoner

With Valentines around the corner I'm thinking of sending my ex flowers with a small note asking to start over. Before telling me to just move on just hear me out. She broke up with me in November stating she wasn't ready for a serious relationship and didn't have much time with school and work. We had both promised to start a family as soon as we finished our degree which is about a year from now. We never had any major arguments but both are really stubborn.I was even ready to purpose this Valentines but this happened :/ After the break up we both communicated like we used to when we were friends just seeing how our weekend went ect but as the weeks went by communication died down. Due to work recently I see her just about every day we say hi to each other but when I try to talk to her its like a forced answer from her, no eye contact it almost feels like she hates me. I've even considered asking her cousin if he knew what had happened. We both get along very well since before but idk if it'd be a good idea? I tried NC but now I see her every day its impossible. PLEASE HELP?!

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There's no rule written anywhere that says that you can't do that, but if you do it, you have to be willing to accept the response that you get.

 

What that response will be is unknown.

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...She broke up with me in November stating she wasn't ready for a serious relationship and didn't have much time with school and work....

 

This is just another way of saying she doesn't want a relationship with you. She fell out of love, lost interest, she's interested in someone else, etc... whatever it is, she's not into you anymore. I know it's harsh, but that's the reality.

 

If you're really into to someone, wouldn't you make the time to invest in them despite your schoolwork?

 

You're going to do what you feel like you need to do, despite the advice here on LS. But since you asked, I wouldn't send her a thing. I'd go defcon 1 and become a ghost.

 

Make her miss you. If you go chasing this woman and send her valentine crap when she has already made it obvious she wants to break it off, then you come off as very weak and needy... not very attractive. Man up, disappear, lick your wounds and move on. Let her come to you. If she never does, then it wasn't meant to be.

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HopeLessLoner

I wish I could just disappear but due to work I have to see her every day. Im not necessarily gonna ask her to take me back but to start over again like when we were friends(we were friends for about 4 years prior to being in a relationship). Idk I just want to make things a little easier since we'll see each other practically every day. Would it be weird to ask her cousin to see maybe what went wrong just to get that closure, she was always telling us we were perfect for each other. I saw her cousin a couple weeks ago and we spoke like we usually do.

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This is just another way of saying she doesn't want a relationship with you. She fell out of love, lost interest, she's interested in someone else, etc... whatever it is, she's not into you anymore. I know it's harsh, but that's the reality.

 

If you're really into to someone, wouldn't you make the time to invest in them despite your schoolwork?

 

You're going to do what you feel like you need to do, despite the advice here on LS. But since you asked, I wouldn't send her a thing. I'd go defcon 1 and become a ghost.

 

Make her miss you. If you go chasing this woman and send her valentine crap when she has already made it obvious she wants to break it off, then you come off as very weak and needy... not very attractive. Man up, disappear, lick your wounds and move on. Let her come to you. If she never does, then it wasn't meant to be.

 

I pretty much agree with everything written here except for :

 

Make her miss you.

 

Don't try to make her do anything. That advice has some hope in it. It is better to start from a position of no hope.

 

That, and I've always thought it was the decent thing to do to say goodbye. You guys seem to have skipped over that part.

 

Something like this would be my style:

 

You know, Matilda, I get it, you're not interested in me romantically, and I'm just coming to terms with it. It's ok, really. Love isn't a prison sentence, and honestly, I think you just got to the finish line before I did, that's all. I just came by to let you know that I'm saying goodbye for now. I don't want to be your pal, and I don't want to know about your life, so I'm going to avoid you to the extent possible from now on. Maybe it'll be different when I develop feelings for somebody else, I don't know. Until then, I'd just appreciate you helping me out with this separation by staying away. It was fun while it lasted. Good luck.
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She broke up with me in November stating she wasn't ready for a serious relationship

 

No.

 

If you send the flowers on Valentine's Day being that you two are broken up. You will set the stage for the value of you to go down in her eyes. Whether fate brings you back together for all time or you end up spending a different Valentine's Day with another great love someday, love yourself FIRST. Right here and right now.

 

Your point in sending the flowers has good intentions because you still love her surely BUT if you are honest with yourself, it is to evoke a reaction out of her to remember the love you shared. This will backfire. Just let the day pass without zero contact at all. It is just recommended.

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HopeLessLoner

Yeah that's what it feels like, as if we just skipped the goodbye. She said she did see us trying things on at one point but the way she seems "mad" at me now makes me think she didn't want to hurt me.

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Maybe this will make you feel better. Get yourself a date for Valentine's day, then on Valentine's day, go buy some flowers for your date, and before you go on it, stop by your ex's place and give her your goodbye speech while you have those flowers in your hand. Don't say a word about them, and don't answer any questions either. Just give your speech.

 

Then tell her you've got to go, because you have a Valentine's day date.

 

That'll make you smile somewhere in the distant future.

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I agree that sending flowers is a bad idea. :-( You say you see her at work every day. Do you REALLY have to talk to her, or do you just want to? I'd avoid her at all costs, if I were you. You need to heal, friend. Good luck!

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HopeLessLoner

Yeah, unfortunately we work in the same office so I have to at least say hi but that's about it. I tried talking to her a while back but she barely even saw me face to face and it was almost as if she had hate towards me. After that I just say good morning or hello and leave it at that.

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I wish I could just disappear but due to work I have to see her every day. Im not necessarily gonna ask her to take me back but to start over again like when we were friends(we were friends for about 4 years prior to being in a relationship). Idk I just want to make things a little easier since we'll see each other practically every day. Would it be weird to ask her cousin to see maybe what went wrong just to get that closure, she was always telling us we were perfect for each other. I saw her cousin a couple weeks ago and we spoke like we usually do.

 

You don't really want to be friends though. You don't send Valentine's flowers to a friend. You send them to someone you have romantic feelings for.

 

While it's nice that you want to make the situation better/more pleasant at work, you still have feelings here ... and really that's fine. It takes time. You can't start over with this person. Not yet. Maybe not even ever.

 

The best thing you can really do is nothing. If you want to make the work situation more pleasant, then make it more pleasant. Be warm and polite, professional when/if she approaches and that's it. Nothing else will make it more pleasant.

 

The act of sending Valentines flowers to an ex is not really polite or nice at all. It's an act. And all it does is cause more drama (good or bad) to play out. What you're doing is ignoring her wishes, doing what you want to do. Is that nice? Do you really think that will make her life easier? Nope.

 

Involving her Cousin drags out the situation out even further and will only frustrate your ex and potentially embarrass her. You're about to cause unnecessary drama for her to deal with, not just with work, but with her family as well.

 

I really think your best bet (to heal) is to disappear as much as you can. Staging these acts, are not only desperate and needy, but actually do the opposite of what you're hoping they will accomplish. Saying official goodbyes, written or spoken, only really drags out the situation again. And if you happen to talk to her at some later date, then your official goodbyes become meaningless. Or worse, seen as manipulative attempts to contact her.

 

If you guys are having limited work contact on a daily basis, imagine for one moment if that contact is her being pissed off because of your actions.

 

I know it's hard man.

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HopeLessLoner

I honestly do wish we could go back to being friends, it feels like we threw a good friendship away. But yeah I do want to heal more than you know. If everything goes well I'll be working in the field of my career within a couple months

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