I can't let him go, I just can't.

[Bella1990]

Hello,

 

I have posted a message a week or 6 ago. Time flies.

I'm sorry I don't reply a lot on other topics. Probably I'm really selfish at the moment. I'm a mess.

 

I don't know what my goal is with this message. Sharing my thoughts and seeing my own reflexion, I guess. They might be strange, weird or so, but that's me.

I always talk in the way people want me to, I always want to be the nice girl, the one who can get along with everybody, the one who needs the 'you can do it' sentence all the time. I'm not insecure, or maybe I am, in my own way. I'm really spontanious or just different, sometimes I don't know.

 

I met him about a year ago. It was amazing. I've had boyfriends before, but this was different, real, so touching, so.. true. I remember everything till the details.

 

We dated for 6 months. He talked about living together, going on holidays together, he talked about him and me. When I asked him if we were a couple, he left me. He just left, letting me alone with my tears, foolish feelings and shame.

One week later he came back. He missed our contact. We dated further. After 2 months I got insecure. I asked him if this was going somewhere. The answer? No, he couldn't give me what I want. This was in october.

After that he contacted me a lot. I ignored this. I was angry, upset, and really hurt. But of course, I let him in again. I let him in again with my same stupid feelings. My feelings of loving him like I never loved a man before.

Of course, he left again. He asked if we could be friends. This was in january. I said this wasn't possible for me, I felt too much for him. We never had issues, all was perfect, we were so in love, at least, I was. All seemed so real, so true.. Still I can't believe he doesn't miss me, he doesn't think of me.

 

And now? What is left of me? A depressed, confused girl. Yes, I tried to let it go. I am trying so hard. I am not in touch with him, I don't have any social media contact with him, I know the rules.

And still. Everything I do, I do with him in my mind. I was thinking of removing my facebook, to get everything clear. But then I realize I just remove it for him, so he will see it. I'm thinking of going abroad, just so he will think 'wow'. That kind of thoughts I have. That kind of obsessed, sick thoughts. He slept already with another girl. Why? 'To finish us inside'. Da ****? And you know what? I should be angry about this, and think 'go to hell', but no, Bella doesn't.

I listen good songs, nice songs, but in every damn song he is there. If it's a happy song or not, it dedicated to him. I'm singing it for him in my mind.

I try to be strong, I really do, but my god, I miss him so much. I know I deserve better, but I just can't understand and I never will. I just never will.

Every single thing I do is with him in my mind. Everything. Just every single thing. And this is going on for months now.

I can't talk with my friends about this anymore. I'm sure they don't understand or say 'get over it'. But my god, I'm trying. I'm trying so damn hard, but the tears are only getting worse by time.

 

The pain and stress I feel is so strong. I feel so down, so left alone, so f up in my mind.

 

How can someone dare to walk in you life, make everything so beautifull and then just leave? Just leave an leave me here, with all the promises made, with everything I thought was real.

 

Bella

[Satu]

All the beautiful stuff was in your head.

 

What you feel for him isn't love. It's an unhealthy and obsessive attachment.

 

You should get some therapy.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but someone has to say it.

[stillafool]

Since you are determined to stay with him no matter what there is nothing we can help you with. I hope it all works out for you.

[dyna85]

I think you need to be much more gentle with yourself. Try not to judge yourself so harshly for thinking of him often. It's pretty typical for the ex to consume the mind especially in the early days, weeks, and months..maybe even years, depending on how strongly you felt for the person. If you didn't think of him, you'd be in denial. At least you're working through the feelings, which is a very positive step towards healing.

 

Expecting the hurt to heal in a snap is just setting yourself up for more frustration and pain. The heart doesn't heal on our terms. It takes time.

 

How long have you been NC? It seems like you last spoke with him this month, since you said January. If that's the case, it's any wonder you're still feeling really depressed. You need to give it more time.

 

Just allow yourself to experience the thoughts without judging yourself for having them, but also be smart about things. Don't allow the disrespect to continue. NC is extremely important if you hope to heal properly.

 

To answer your last questions - how can someone walk into your life and make everything so beautiful and leave - well, there is an inherent reason for everything I believe, and it will all make sense eventually.

 

Hang in there. Try to keep active, even if it hurts.

Edited January 26, 2015 by dyna85

[Ieris]

Sorry to hear you are going through this Bella.. *HuGs*

 

You was a lot more invested than he was, he didn't feel the same way you did for him, that's why he can walk away so casually.

 

I know you are hurting right now but feel the pain with every nerve in your body and remind yourself that someone who loves you will not make you feel like this. He was bad for you and you need to recognize that.

 

Take your time to recover, do whatever you need to do, delete Facebook or going on that trip isn't such a bad idea. Come and write here if your friends won't listen, there are lots of people here who know what you are going through so we understand. It's OK to think about him every minute every second but once it all sinks in it will start to hurt less and less each day.

 

You might be a depressed, confused girl right now but when this is all over, you're going to be so much stronger and wiser x

[barky2]

You have to really understand this, no matter what you do, you have to let him go.

 

To either get back together, or to find the person you're suppose to be with.

 

It sounds weird, doesn't make sense, but you don't have a choice.

 

It's over, you're not getting back together.

 

 

That should be replayed in your head constantly.

 

Letting go isn't a bad thing.

 

You're letting go a relationship that didn't work, that hurt you.

 

You're letting go the good, the great, and the worst feeling in the world.

 

But to either have a better version of the relationship with your ex, or to find the person a higher power has you set up for, you have to let go.

 

For your sanity.

 

Any member can agree, it's not easy.

 

It may be one of the hardest things you can do.

 

But don't be afraid of it, embrace the challenge.

 

As cliche and stupid as it sounds, truly magical things happen when you just let go.

 

You're clinching your fist around an orange right now, the harder you hold, the quicker it'll break all over you.

 

But if you let it go, let it roll around your hand, you'll feel a sense of relief, a sense of " ahh, I'm ok"

 

Stupid analogy but I really want you to do it, go squeeze an orange, your muscles in your arm is your heart.

 

Now just let it roll around your hands and fingers...

 

Get what I'm saying?

 

May sound dumb and stupid, ( lol it kind of does ) but maybe it'll click for you.

 

 

Trust me.

 

 

 

Barky

[Farid]

Imagine this: with so much love to give (I know guys who would kill for it believe me) you'll find someone who deserves it and gives back.

 

From how you describe your personality you seem like a very agreeable, approachable, sweet person. You just need to stop being so hard on yourself. The next lucky man who runs into you, if he has a heart, he will, and should, treat you like his queen.

This jerk doesn't deserve you!

xxx

[Bella1990]

Since you are determined to stay with him no matter what there is nothing we can help you with. I hope it all works out for you.

 

Hey,

 

What do you mean by determined to stay with him? I'm more determined to let him go and to be finally happy again.

[Bella1990]

It's ok, maybe it does sound a bit blunt since you don't know me personally, but it's a good thing you said it. I'm going in therapy next week.

 

I feel a bit like a fool it came this far, but maybe I should see this step as a step forward.

[Bella1990]

I think you need to be much more gentle with yourself. Try not to judge yourself so harshly for thinking of him often. It's pretty typical for the ex to consume the mind especially in the early days, weeks, and months..maybe even years, depending on how strongly you felt for the person. If you didn't think of him, you'd be in denial. At least you're working through the feelings, which is a very positive step towards healing.

 

Expecting the hurt to heal in a snap is just setting yourself up for more frustration and pain. The heart doesn't heal on our terms. It takes time.

 

How long have you been NC? It seems like you last spoke with him this month, since you said January. If that's the case, it's any wonder you're still feeling really depressed. You need to give it more time.

 

Just allow yourself to experience the thoughts without judging yourself for having them, but also be smart about things. Don't allow the disrespect to continue. NC is extremely important if you hope to heal properly.

 

To answer your last questions - how can someone walk into your life and make everything so beautiful and leave - well, there is an inherent reason for everything I believe, and it will all make sense eventually.

 

Hang in there. Try to keep active, even if it hurts.

 

We have been NC before, for a few weeks, but then he was looking for contact again.

 

Now, we are again NC, for 4 weeks now. There is a party soon and I know we both will be there, that hurts and feels rough.

 

Thank you for your beautifull, understanding message.

[Bella1990]

All the beautiful stuff was in your head.

 

What you feel for him isn't love. It's an unhealthy and obsessive attachment.

 

You should get some therapy.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but someone has to say it.

 

I felt so much love. Believe me, I've had boyfriends before, but I thought this was it. Can you imagine how confusing it feels and difficult to let it go? The lies? The past?

 

It's ok, maybe it does sound a bit blunt since you don't know me personally, but it's a good thing you said it. I'm going in therapy next week.

 

I feel a bit like a fool it came this far, but maybe I should see this step as a step forward.

[Bella1990]

Sorry to hear you are going through this Bella.. *HuGs*

 

You was a lot more invested than he was, he didn't feel the same way you did for him, that's why he can walk away so casually.

 

I know you are hurting right now but feel the pain with every nerve in your body and remind yourself that someone who loves you will not make you feel like this. He was bad for you and you need to recognize that.

 

Take your time to recover, do whatever you need to do, delete Facebook or going on that trip isn't such a bad idea. Come and write here if your friends won't listen, there are lots of people here who know what you are going through so we understand. It's OK to think about him every minute every second but once it all sinks in it will start to hurt less and less each day.

 

You might be a depressed, confused girl right now but when this is all over, you're going to be so much stronger and wiser x

 

Thank you for your beautifull message. I read it over a lot when I feel down.

[Bella1990]

Thank you Barky, it makes sense what you say, and actually I did it last week.

 

Farid, thank you for your lovely message as well.

 

*There is a party coming up in 2 weeks. He will be there probably as I will be. I met him there. All my friends go there. I don't know if I should go or not. It makes me confused, I'm afraid to see him, feel sad all over again or worse- fall for him one more time and break my heart twice as much - again -. What would you do?

[Satu]

Listen to this

Bella, and take in the words.