to mail or not to mail

[katty]

Help I need to know if I did the right or wrong thing. I don't think it is to late to run out to the mailbox and retrieve the letter I was mailing the ex. I will not bore everyone with my situation but I never felt like I got closure. The letter has no accusations, no blame, no guilt, no pleading and no begging. It is only a letter saying that I wish him well with his new engagement and it apologizes for my reaction when he first told me of his engagement. I am the type of person who worries about things that I say and do later on so even though I know that my reaction was normal (no tears or pleading, just hurt) so I felt the need to tell him that I wasn't angry and that I am glad that we had the 2 years that we shared together. I have not contacted him in over 2 weeks when he told me of his engagement. Is it ok to mail this to him. We live 3 hours away from each other and know I will not run into him so this is my only way to express. Did I make a mistake or is it ok?

[Joyce]

You are right in sending a letter. You needed closure. Nothing is wrong with wanting to tell him goodbye. I think it's great that you were mature. You probably feel a lot better already.

[katty]

but I have not been handling it well. He doesn't know how bad he hurt me and I just can't seem to move on. I miss him so much. Thank you for saying I did the right thing. I didn't want to do anything that would make him or his new g/f mad but I wanted to apologize for being so short and hateful on the phone when he told me. I just wish I could get past this grief. I honestly thought he and I were going to be together forever. He really made me believe in us and now I am just lost. Of course I didn't say any of that in the letter. Just expressed my feelings about us and for my part. etc. I know there was no guilt or blaming in my letter I just admitted my part in the drift in our r/s Thank you for helping me decide.

[YogaGirl]

Katty,

I believe you did the right thing. You seem very wise. I know that it hurts terribly to let someone go with love. Hurt isn't even the word for it. You can never predict how his future will be and the trials/tribulations/happy times he will have with his future wife. But you know that ultimately he will remember that you were dignified, kind and caring once you were able to process his decision. You took the high road with this one.

 

Put the focus on you, do whatever it takes for you to take care of you. Keep posting.

[katty]

Thanks for your opinions I guess I just need someone to reaffirm that it was ok to mail him the letter. He left me with so many unanswered questions and I know that I will never fully understand why this has happened but of course I did not ask these questions in the letter b/c this is something that he knows already. I feel as if I have taken the high road during the entire r/s and sometimes I just wish that I could be mean or spiteful or yell at him or something but its just not me and I know that if I did such stuff I would just feel stupid about it later. I am really trying to cope with this on my own. I know it would be easier on me if I just went out and had a rebound r/s but to me that is just pulling more poor souls into the pool of heartache. I am not emotionally ready for r/s with anyone. But I know that I wouldn't be so set on going it alone if he lived here. Heck no I would be out every night with some new hot man. lol. Had to learn from my own past mistakes with other long term r/s what was ok and what wasn't. When my 7 yr. r/s broke up several years ago I jumped right into a new r/s but so did he. We neither one took time to grieve and we both ended up hurting someone else in the process. Still feel like a dog for hurting another in the process. So anyways that is why I am trying to do it alone. thanks for everything guys, I say do it alone but what I mean is do it with the help of all of you wonderful angels.

[YogaGirl]

Katty,

I understand about not wanting to bring other poor souls into the mess that surrounds a breakup. My ex and I broke up so that we could work on ourselves and decide if we would marry. We dated 4 years. He took a job in another state for a year. We kept in contact for the first 3 months then I sensed he was pulling away and I told him to go date and figure out what he wanted.

 

Turns out that he learned that his highschool sweetheart (16 years ago) is in the middle of a divorce. They dated for 6 years and parted when sophomores in college. She has a 12 yo son and a 4 yo daughter. Ex-husband cheated on her during the 16 year marriage. He told me he has been calling her and will meet with her this weekend to re-kindle something if it is meant to be. He said that he has to explore this before he can decide if we are meant to be. He also had a fling with a 21 yo intern (he is 36 never married) who still calls him. This is all during the "go date and find out what you want" time that I told him to do.

 

Well, I am not chopped liver so I have had several men ask me out. I just worry about them getting involved with me even remotely at this time because I haven't given up on the ex. He is out having fun and dating but I just think I would be cruel to do so. I have been going to counseling and also Al-Anon meetings since I was raised by an alcoholic father. I have been doing all the things that give me a sense of who I am and to keep my dignity. When the ex told me about these women he is dating, he made it clear that he hadn't ruled out any thing with me totally. He tells me that he loves me so much, etc. but he has to explore these other options.

 

I just ache daily and keep asking for my higher power to see the situation in a different way.

 

Again, take the high road. You will never regret it. It is great that you learned from the 7 year relationship and can apply what you learned. I can only hope to do the same.

[katty]

36 and he still is finding himself, OMG are you sure we haven't been dating the same guys. LOL. I guess I thought I would be further along I am 35 and seem to have gone thru the same crap you have. You would think that they would start settling down by now. Have you ever thought that your ex might me a CP? I would check out a few of the books by Steven Carter about CPS. I hope you are dealing with your breakup better than I am. I think it is harder on us when the guy still claims to love us etc. Blaine continued to tell me how much he loved me and missed me up until the day he announced he had gotten engaged. OUCH. It makes me sad b/c I didn't see it coming. He went from trying to convince me that we needed to get engaged, to you are the perfect g/f and I love you but I know you won't ever move so we need to break up, to Hey I'm Engaged. I really don't feel like I will ever recover. I thought he would take a few weeks of partying with the boys and come back boy was I wrong. I just miss him more than anything and feel really lost. Don't worry didn't add that in the letter to him.

[oceangal2001]

Sounds like a good idea! It takes guts to apologize... I'm sure he'll be happy to get it and you'll feel better once it's officially on its way.

 

Good thinking!

[katty]

Thanks for the support, my mother just came by and talk about non-supportive she is definitely that. I told her I was sending the letter and she just started yelling at me about how he was lucky to have dated me as long as he had. How he wasn't good enough for me and she always knew that I was settling and that she wanted me to remember how unattracted I was to him in the beginning. That part is true. He had to grow on me. My mom screamed at me and accused me of being a doormat and how she wouldn't apologize b/c it showed weakness and a sense of hopelessness. I swear that the letter is not guilt ridden or pitiful in any way. I told her she should read what I was mailing before assuming I was wrong. She slammed out my door and her last words to me was "You know what Kat, I am going to go down to the funeral parlar and go ahead and pick you out a casket, b/c obviously you need to just lay down and die over Blaine" WTF , like I really needed her to come down on me so hard. I am trying my best to get better without tearing anyone down with me but it is hard, and people wonder why I choose to deal with this crap all alone.