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My ex still cares about me and she shows it.


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I dumped the girl I love and she wants to stay friends.

 

I was with this girl for six and half years. I’m 32 now and she 25. We live in Holland. She is Dutch I came here from Afghanistan when I was 14.

 

I love her to death. We were everybodies envy. People used to tell us that they thought that love like this only existed in books and movies. She has friends who agreed to marry their boyfriend after being inspired by seeing us.

Everyday I used to tell her several times how much I loved her. If we didn’t have the chance to cuddle on the couch all evening, everyday several times I had to spend couple of minutes holding her, smelling her, and telling her how much she means to me. Before going to bed every day I used to tell her that she is the love of my life, my most precious and my dream girl.

 

I provided for her. I payed the rent, clothing, food, etc.

But I constantly lived with fear of abandonment because, being a warchild, I’m also depressed.

 

I got her after chasing her for months, sweeping her off her feet, and winning her heart.

Then I got paranoid coz it was too good to be true. “This is like a dream. This can’t be real” I thought, and I took extreme measures to protect our relationship. I severed ties with all my lady-friends, and made her do the same with her guy-friends. None of us had anybody of other sex and similar age on our facebook.

It wasn’t enough. Because I found out that she used to be very sexually adventurous before me.

I forbid her to wear miniskirts, being drunk at her friends place if there were guys around, etc.

 

To make things worse, in order to deal with my depression, I developed a dependency on cannabis. I never drank alcohol. But in the last years I began to drink as well. Still I bit through and took my responsibility. I went from one job to another, but I always made sure we never get into financial problems, that we could go out, dress well, and we never had one cent debt.

I didn’t want her to have a part time job next to her study because I wanted her to reach her full potential.

 

In all these years, my fear of abandonment never went away. I always trusted her, but I never trusted her reasoning. She had, what seemed to me, ridiculous ideas about what’s cheating and what’s not. One time even her mom shocked me when discussing things like this by saying “oh for us even taking a shower with another man is normal. I used to take showers with other guys when I was with her father”. That - did - not - help. D:

 

In the last years it got really bad. I was in denial about my depression. Instead of getting therapy, I went from one job to another trying not to fail as a man in her eyes. I didn’t wanna admit. I didn’t wanna look weak. (I know, it’s an Afghan thing…)

Now I realize actually it was me who was too dependent on her. She had become my entire world and my only purpose in life. (Guys, never do this, never do this…)

 

When we fought about other guys, or where she could go and do with them, I began to push her away telling her that it was never gonna work between us. She took a lot of **** from me trying to stay together. She couldn’t even go swimming with her friends if there were guys in the group because I’d go crazy being jealous.

 

About a year ago, my depression got so bad that I had to stay home. We weren't in any financial problems because they promised me to keep paying 70% of my salary until the day I get better. Which is quite a lot. We were still living quite comfy. But not being able to work took me down mentally. After she landed a job at one of the biggest law firms in the lowlands, I convinced myself that she’d leave me.

I began to get paranoid even when she wanted to do something as normal as a yoga class, and I began to push her away even more.

I began to drink heavily and became verbally abusive. I was trying to keep her on a short leash, because I feared that she’d escape if I didn’t.

Now being a 25 year old woman, she decided to fight back and she fought back hard.

 

We had many ugly and nasty fights. I physically pushed her away to stop her shouting at me and bruised her arms. I did apologize holding her in my arms, sobbing and telling her that I was ashamed of myself. And I did again… apologized again...

 

I was in a downwards spiral and the only thing that could stop it was hitting rock bottom.

3 weeks ago, I did. I broke up with her.

 

After she got herself another place and moved out, after 4 days of sending her angry emails, I realized the blunder of my life. I messed up ROYALLY.

For the first time I realized what being without her meant, and what I was doing to her by telling her that we can’t be together.

I asked her to come to my place. She came. I pressed her against my chest, I cried, begged, pleaded, made promises. It wasn’t enough. I had broken her heart too badly.

When she said “I’ll never be yours again”. I suffered a mental breakdown. I used to walking around the house all night, smelling her t-shirts she had left, punching the walls, and contemplating suicide.

 

I had to go cold turkey and stop drinking and smoking weed immediately if I was to live. I still have a mom and siblings that I love a lot.

I took my bag, left my house, came to my moms house and never touched the bottle and cannabis again. That was 16 days ago.

To my surprise I went through the withdrawal symptoms quite well. In 3 days I didn’t feel them again. Now I’m on anti depressants, I’m getting therapy, I eat again in weeks, and I’m physically fine. But emotionally I’m dead. And I don’t think that I’ll ever live again. I’m not living. I’m barely existing. I’m existing because my family don’t deserve to mourn the death of a loved one.

 

Oh my goodness…

 

Here is my question: She tells me that she still loves me as a person and that she wants to be friends. After making the classic mistakes of begging and pleading during the first week, I’ve taken peoples advice and have stopped talking to her since 5 days.

 

I’m torn between two ideas. On the one hand, I fear that I’ve broken her heart so bad that she’ll never wanna be my girlfriend again. On the other hand, her saying that she still loves me as a person and wants to stay friends gives me hope and tells me that at least I can be around her and I can try to get her back.

 

I’ve been reading a lot about what to- and not to do. I’m not gonna be pushy or make any other typical mistakes.

But what now?

I know I can never stay friends coz I’m desperately in love with her, and I may drop dead from a heart attack the second I see her with another man.

Do you think her telling me that she’s grateful for taking care of her so well, that she still loves me as a person and she’ll always be there for me, does it give me any chance of getting her back?

 

Is there still hope for me, or did I make the mistake of my life?

Edited by Farid
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I truly think you need to work on yourself first to control your jealous and controling tendencies. It only made you obsessive about keeping her in your life but it shows a lack of trust in her loyalty. So befor you contact her again, seek help to control that and your substance dependency. I understand your heritage, but you have to trust and respect a person whom you love.

 

Im afraid the damage may be done and irreparable, but if you don't take care of those issues you may just do the same to another woman if not her. Hope things work out for you.

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I think you finally did the right thing after a series of bad decisions. You should thank yourself, because you've avoided a huge tragedy.

 

So don't go back to that. Find yourself and move forward.

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Itspointless
Is there still hope for me, or did I make the mistake of my life?

Of-course there is hope for you, you seem to be a smart guy. Sometimes we need to let go of people out of love, let her go. I do advice you to search for therapy.

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Farid,

 

If I am being honest with you, in the mental and emotional state you are in right now, you need to retreat. Before you even think about getting back with her or any of the other things, you need to realize that you need to make some positive changes in your life. Your problem is not going to resolve itself within a week or two (not even in a month or two), you need to stay away from her for a long time.

 

Even if you got back with her in your current state, I can guarantee you that you are going to same mistakes and push her away for good.

 

Now the good news is if she still has feelings for you and the relationship itself was good, you will hear from her at one point or another. But during the time you are away you need to make some positive changes in your life, so she can see you in a new light.

 

If you can make positive changes in your life, you will feel more confident and cope well with your situation, you might even attract someoneone in the process and forget about your Ex girlfriend. What matters the most right now is getting yourself back, start making plans and making some positive changes starting today and by the end of this year, I can promise you that you would be in a completely different state than you are right now.

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Thanx so much everybody.

 

 

For now I really need to find a quiet corner and lick my wounds.

What also shocked me is, despite all the fighting and crying, she always told me that I made her happier than all her friends; that she was happier with me despite it all than without me.

The timing of her refusing to live that life and having the vicious fights strikes me suddenly. It was just after she got the job at a huge law firm.

Now I’m realizing that she stopped being happy with me a long time ago. But she stayed with me because she needed me emotionally and financially.

Or maybe I’m entering the blaming and anger phase now…

I’m a cocktail of confusing emotions...

Edited by Farid
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  • 2 weeks later...
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A couple of months ago I completely lost it and broke up with my gf. I suffer from PTSD and depression. (Some may be familiar with the first part of my story. Link here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/509999-i-dumped-love-my-life-i-hate-myself)

 

But she still cares a lot about me and she shows it.

To my surprise, when I broke up with her, as long as I was angry, she kept coming to my place (she was still doing her laundry etc. here) and telling me things like “I love you with all my heart”. Everytime she went away she went with “I love you”.

Up until the moment finally broke down and told her that I didn’t want to live without her.

Suddenly she said that she would never be mine again.

I did the typical panicy mistakes and cried, pleaded and begged her.

She wouldn't budge.

According to my sis she did it on purpose to punish me, to leave me wanting her back. But my sister loves me a lot and her judgement is most probably clouded. She certainly is angry at her.

 

And my gf, now my ex, also doesn’t give up on me. Every time we talk she tells me to call upon her whenever I’m in trouble, that she would come running even if we don’t speak for 10 years if I need her.

She texted me on my birthday and said the same thing again. I’m holding back now but I’m very desperate to get her back.

Right now I’m trying to avoid talking to her for a month so that I don’t push her further away, to let things cool off and Not ruin the last bit of chance of getting her back. I desperately want her back!

 

I asked my (female) psychiatrist what to do. She told me to sit with her and apologize for everything I did wrong by mentioning them one by one.

Many people advise against this coz it also sounds like pleading.

And if I don’t do what my shrink advised for a month, I think to myself “maybe this is really necessary if I’m to get her back”

 

What should I do??

Edited by Farid
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First, get a male psychologist or another psychologist.

 

Because apologizing to her isn't going to accomplish anything different than what you have already accomplished.

 

For YOUR sake, go no contact. Your sister is making more sense than this person you are paying money to see.

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But she still cares a lot about me and she shows it.

 

And yet she doesn't want to be with you. You did everything you could. The only thing left to do is to go no contact.

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To my surprise, when I broke up with her, as long as I was angry, she kept coming to my place (she was still doing her laundry etc. here) and telling me things like “I love you with all my heart”. Everytime she went away she went with “I love you”.

Up until the moment finally broke down and told her that I didn’t want to live without her.

Suddenly she said that she would never be mine again.

I did the typical panicy mistakes and cried, pleaded and begged her.

I do think that your psychologist had the right inside about the situation as she has lost her trust. But Diezel is - as I think also - right, apologizing does not seem the way to get a girl back. She now knows you want her back.

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I agree with Diezel, I think your sister is more spot on.

 

 

It's time to move on, dude.

 

 

 

 

It's time to let go. If a girl shows you who she really is, believe her. Therefore, you need to believe that she isn't coming back. Because, chances are, she's not. Once a girl makes up her mind about something, it's impossible to get them to change it, not even an act of congress.

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You can love someone and know that you can't be with them at the same time. People have that conflict all the time, it's not because she's living it that she wants to make you suffer, playing games or anything.

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First, get a male psychologist or another psychologist.

 

Because apologizing to her isn't going to accomplish anything different than what you have already accomplished.

 

For YOUR sake, go no contact. Your sister is making more sense than this person you are paying money to see.

 

Thanx for your reply.

 

My psychologist is male. My psychiatrist is female.

He agrees with me all the time and tries to convince me that I have nothing to feel guilty about. While we both have mistakes to feel guilty about. He is not helping with getting her back. He is just doing his job and trying to make me feel good.

 

Me being a non-European foreigner, I thought I should seek the opinion of a local female professional.

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I agree with Diezel, I think your sister is more spot on.

 

 

It's time to move on, dude.

 

 

 

 

It's time to let go. If a girl shows you who she really is, believe her. Therefore, you need to believe that she isn't coming back. Because, chances are, she's not. Once a girl makes up her mind about something, it's impossible to get them to change it, not even an act of congress.

 

Thanx for your reply.

 

Your brutal honesty is painful, but most likely true.

It just will take so much time. I just can't believe she could walk away from love like this. We were everyone's envy... But it seems you can go only so far with "love". Sorry for putting it in quotations, but she is turning me so cynical about romance.

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You can love someone and know that you can't be with them at the same time. People have that conflict all the time, it's not because she's living it that she wants to make you suffer, playing games or anything.

 

Probably we also don't feel the same towards each other anymore. Coz I just can't imagine how that much love could vanish within one day... How is it humanly possible to hold back.

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Life will do that yes.

 

The purest, the brightest, the most resilient of all flowers will wither if light and nutriments can't reach it.

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Thanx for your reply.

 

Your brutal honesty is painful, but most likely true.

It just will take so much time. I just can't believe she could walk away from love like this. We were everyone's envy... But it seems you can go only so far with "love". Sorry for putting it in quotations, but she is turning me so cynical about romance.

 

Love is magical, but it is not magic.

 

Healing occurs when reality is fully accepted.

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Life will do that yes.

 

The purest, the brightest, the most resilient of all flowers will wither if light and nutriments can't reach it.

 

In our case it went a little different.

There were an abundance of light and nutrition.

Alongside what I wrote about, every day I made sure that I tell her how much I love her. I used to ask several times a week "Are you happy? How can I make you happy?" She used to say "You make me the happiest among my friends. They are all jealous of me".

 

It wasn't a lack of care. The right analogy would be:

I cherished and adored my flower. I prayed for not losing her before going to bed every evening, and thanked God for having her when I woke up in every morning.

And one day, I slipped and stepped on my flower breaking her permanently.

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Owh folks, one important question I forgot.

We are meeting up soon to get my phone subscription out of her name and put in on mine etc.

I've already told her that I'm moving on with my life. (I haven't yet. But I'll live as if I have and I'll do my best to truly move on. Because as I understand it, if I keep clinging on her and be miserable, then I'll make sure that I'll never get her back. And it's good for me too. I'll have to move on one day)

 

But upon our next (involuntary) meeting I was gonna ask her "Let me know if you get involved with another guy."

Two reasons:

1. Then I'll know for sure she has moved on.

2. It will give me closure and help me move on.

 

Should I ask her that? What would the effect be?"

Edited by Farid
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Owh folks, one important question I forgot.

We are meeting up soon to get my phone subscription out of her name and put in on mine etc.

I've already told her that I'm moving on with my life. (I haven't yet. But I'll live as if I have and I'll do my best to truly move on. Because as I understand it, if I keep clinging on her and be miserable, then I'll make sure that I'll never get her back. And it's good for me too. I'll have to move on one day)

 

But upon our next (involuntary) meeting I was gonna ask her "Let me know if you get involved with another guy."

Two reasons:

1. Then I'll know for sure she has moved on.

2. It will give me closure and help me move on.

 

Should I ask her that? What would the effect be?"

 

 

WHAT?!?!? No don't for several reasons.

 

 

1. It makes you sound creepy.

 

 

2. Makes you look weak.

 

 

3. It's going to hurt to hear it.

 

 

4. That isn't sticking to NC. NC means NO CONTACT which includes all aspects of her life.

 

 

If I were you, I would try to figure out of a way to switch things over WITHOUT meeting up with her.

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Standard-Fare

For those of you telling this guy that his ex-GF is in the wrong, that he should "protect himself," etc., please go back and read his original thread. He was a jealous and controlling boyfriend, and not only that, but he's the one who broke up with HER and forced her to leave. I think he's put this woman through a lot. SHE'S the one who should be protecting herself and enforcing no contact. That doesn't change because he retroactively decided he made a mistake.

 

Farid, not trying to attack you or make light of your problems. It sounds like you're on the right track in maintaining sobriety (assuming you are) and seeing mental health professionals. You're facing up to your flaws and working on them. That's important.

 

But I think you still need some time to work on yourself and examine your mistakes in this relationship with clarity. It's not the right time to try to win this girl back.

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But upon our next (involuntary) meeting I was gonna ask her "Let me know if you get involved with another guy."

Two reasons:

1. Then I'll know for sure she has moved on.

2. It will give me closure and help me move on.

 

Should I ask her that? What would the effect be?"

 

Bad idea. Are you looking for something more to be miserable about?

 

Why should she tell you who she is or isn't with?

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WHAT?!?!? No don't for several reasons.

 

 

1. It makes you sound creepy.

 

 

2. Makes you look weak.

 

 

3. It's going to hurt to hear it.

 

 

4. That isn't sticking to NC. NC means NO CONTACT which includes all aspects of her life.

 

 

If I were you, I would try to figure out of a way to switch things over WITHOUT meeting up with her.

 

Jesus Christ man...

 

Ok. We have to empty the garage (it's both our junk) and her mom said that her brother would help me. So that one is solved.

 

But for changing the subscription she will call me.

I had forgotten about the phone subscription and several days ago I saw money flying away from my bank account to her credit card. Like more than 300 euros. I thought wtf?! And I had to break the NC. Apparently she still had my banks accounts app on her mobile logged in. That's how she was able to transfer money. She told me that she transferred the money for the previous months that she hadn't yet and I didn't double check it coz I know she isn't a liar. And she told me that she would ask me instead next time and that she deleted my banks app from her mobile.

 

Anyway, so I had to break the NC already once. And she'll call me soon. I guess talking on phone, texting and meeting up in person isn't much different.

Is it?

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