9 and half months after 11 year relationship, life is good!

[FredJones80]

Hi!

 

This is another "giving back post"

 

I wrote another recent post about 2 months ago, see this for an update (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/502364-7-months-what-i-learnt-after-11-yr-relationship-ended)

 

I joined here roughly 9 months ago after my 11 year relationship ended. I'm now 9 and half months since BU.

 

11 years is a pretty long relationship and comparable to most people here is probably considered longer than most. For the first 3 months I probably cried daily without fail, at least once per day. After this I started to come round and by 4-5 months I was pretty much "better" even though I thought i'd never see that day. I won't go over it too much, see my earlier post.

 

Since my last update I've been on vacation on my own to another country, a first even though I'm in my 30's... It was excellent and I loved every moment of it, the weird thing? I met someone on this vacation and have since been to visit her, so not only had I already moved on months ago, I am also happy that I have moved on relationship wise.

 

Some people seem to think that 9 months or less is too fast to get over a long relationship, but I think everyone is different and the key is going at your own pace, you will come to acceptance when you are ready. It felt right when I was ready and I gradually knew I was coming to acceptance. It certainly wasn't easy, the first 3-6 months were hell, I really don't want to repeat that time, but you do come to a place where you accept it and then feel better about it, because ultimately, you can't change someone else's decision and it would be fruitless to even try.

 

Specific tips are nothing that you won't already know but 1) take the advice of the veterans here and 2) go NC as soon as possible. I went NC from 2 weeks after BU and it still took me 4 months to get over the worst of it. Complete NC, no looking at facebook, photos, phoning, texting, nothing... you know it... but trust me... IT WORKS!

 

Just after my last update I stupidly click on a Facebook profile of the only person left who had a connection between myself and my ex, as bad luck would have it, she popped up in "friends of friends" in a loving head together photo with the guy she left me for... the first time I had confirmation that what I suspected was true. For 5 seconds my heart beat rapidly. I quit the page, shrugged my shoulders and then felt fine, I didn't really think anything of it after that. The day after I decided to delete 11 years worth of photos of "us" off my computer, it was easy, I felt nothing and was glad it was done, I didn't do a last quick look at them, just deleted them by thumbnail. The odd one I did quickly look at caused my no pain, no hurt, nothing, just indifference and I think this is when you know you are past it.

 

She'll never not be a part of my life, she was 1) my longest relationship so far and 2) took up nearly a third of my life... but she is the past and has no bearing on my future or looking forward. Nothing I do now concerns her and nothing I do is based on her, us or anything in the past. I can only move forward.

 

The hardest part now after such a long relationship is finding out who I am, learning to accept opportunities that I might otherwise of missed due to compromise. I definitely have some emotional scars and baggage from that relationship but I am also much more aware of what I'm not prepared to tolerate and my boundaries. I think I was a pretty well rounded person before her, while with her and will continue to be after her.

 

Life is good. I'm happy, it isn't perfect, but it is definitely better. I met someone new, I didn't think that would happen, my confidence was seriously knocked, I wasn't even looking. It is extremely early days, I don't hold too much weight on it, but I'm enjoying it for what it is, it has no relation to my past, it's a separate thing and I'll embrace opportunities where I feel positivity now.

 

Keep your head up, I've been there, survived and lived to tell the tale, you will too. Just stick to the plan, listen to the knowledge people here and you'll be fine.

[towardthefuture]

Feels like a look into my future. Got dumped after 8 years. Don't know for sure if it was for another guy or if there was cheating but I really think so. So she cheated on you and went with that guy and you didn't find out until 9 months later that's what happened?

 

Did she send you any communication in that time at all?

[JonjMie]

Thanks mate its nice when you read this as its a light at the end of the tunnel. I for one will be posting here when I feel better too.

 

For me its 14 days NC and I have been good today,

[FredJones80]

Feels like a look into my future. Got dumped after 8 years. Don't know for sure if it was for another guy or if there was cheating but I really think so. So she cheated on you and went with that guy and you didn't find out until 9 months later that's what happened?

 

Did she send you any communication in that time at all?

 

I don't know she cheated, nor did she tell me there was someone else, she just told me she was "unhappy" but could give me no reason why. After reading a lot on the net the reason "unhappy" usually means someone else. There were actually about 4 or 5 weird things that pointed towards it too, so I always suspected it.

 

She contacted me once about 5 weeks after BU, but only to ask something completely irrelevant about a joint bill... I just ignored it. Since then nothing. I haven't contacted her since 2 weeks after BU.

 

Towardsthefuture, keep your chin up, our stories sound loosely similar, time length etc... it does get better, you'll start to look at it objectively and ultimately see it as the best decision, especially if she left for someone else. You'll find happy again... just keep marching on

[FredJones80]

Thanks mate its nice when you read this as its a light at the end of the tunnel. I for one will be posting here when I feel better too.

 

For me its 14 days NC and I have been good today,

 

JonjMie, if it was an important relationship you have a long road ahead, you'll go up and down for a few months at least. Grasp the good days while you can and ride out the bad ones, there is an end to it, you'll get there, don't look back, just keep pushing forward!

[towardthefuture]

I don't know she cheated, nor did she tell me there was someone else, she just told me she was "unhappy" but could give me no reason why. After reading a lot on the net the reason "unhappy" usually means someone else. There were actually about 4 or 5 weird things that pointed towards it too, so I always suspected it.

 

She contacted me once about 5 weeks after BU, but only to ask something completely irrelevant about a joint bill... I just ignored it. Since then nothing. I haven't contacted her since 2 weeks after BU.

 

Towardsthefuture, keep your chin up, our stories sound loosely similar, time length etc... it does get better, you'll start to look at it objectively and ultimately see it as the best decision, especially if she left for someone else. You'll find happy again... just keep marching on

 

Mine also said she was 'unhappy for a long time' then some somewhat specific things that honestly sounded more like excuses than reasons. When yours left did she immediately nc and not tell you where she was staying? Thats what mine did.

 

What were some of the suspicious things?

[FredJones80]

Mine also said she was 'unhappy for a long time' then some somewhat specific things that honestly sounded more like excuses than reasons. When yours left did she immediately nc and not tell you where she was staying? Thats what mine did.

 

What were some of the suspicious things?

 

We lived together, I moved out.

 

She said she was "unhappy" and "had been for a long time" too... even though she showed no sign of that until 3 weeks before we split. As soon as I left, she didn't contact me at all until 5 weeks after and as I said, it was only about a bill.

 

I think for such a long relationship someone will have given it serious thought and will give you specifics, not specially one particular reason, but at least let you know a range of things of why it isn't working. Being left with no real answer or vague answers suggests there is something more. I kind of believe after spending so much of your life with someone it is only courtesy to give them some sort of explanation on why they're ending it.

 

Hmm suspicious things will be different for each situation. I left for a week to give her space to think, when I came back she had new "sexy underwear" that apparently she got given at "work" because they couldn't sell it.

 

She continued to take her birth control pill up until the day I left, even though she didn't take it when we first met.

 

While I was out of town about 2 weeks before we split, She had her friend round at our house with her bf and "his friend" and wore a dress that had only ever been worn at a wedding and was very dressed up for a night spent in the house, she had never worn it anywhere else up to that point.

 

In the last 3 weeks she spent a lot more time on her phone out of view.

 

She started "working" an extra hour after work.

 

A few other things that have slipped my mind, I think you'll know if things are "odd" in your situation.

[towardthefuture]

We lived together, I moved out.

 

She said she was "unhappy" and "had been for a long time" too... even though she showed no sign of that until 3 weeks before we split. As soon as I left, she didn't contact me at all until 5 weeks after and as I said, it was only about a bill.

 

I think for such a long relationship someone will have given it serious thought and will give you specifics, not specially one particular reason, but at least let you know a range of things of why it isn't working. Being left with no real answer or vague answers suggests there is something more. I kind of believe after spending so much of your life with someone it is only courtesy to give them some sort of explanation on why they're ending it.

 

Hmm suspicious things will be different for each situation. I left for a week to give her space to think, when I came back she had new "sexy underwear" that apparently she got given at "work" because they couldn't sell it.

 

She continued to take her birth control pill up until the day I left, even though she didn't take it when we first met.

 

While I was out of town about 2 weeks before we split, She had her friend round at our house with her bf and "his friend" and wore a dress that had only ever been worn at a wedding and was very dressed up for a night spent in the house, she had never worn it anywhere else up to that point.

 

In the last 3 weeks she spent a lot more time on her phone out of view.

 

She started "working" an extra hour after work.

 

A few other things that have slipped my mind, I think you'll know if things are "odd" in your situation.

 

Mine gave a range of valid reasons. You don't like my friends, you don't like my family, I want someone catholic, I still have time to start over. Just from the intonation I could tell those weren't the REASONS, those were the REASONS SHE GAVE. You know what I mean? But your ex said absolutely nothing but "I haven't been happy in a long time?"

 

How do you know what she wore when you were out of town?

 

My red flags don't seem as conclusive as yours. First, I had a gut feeling. I actually (stupidly) asked her if she was cheating, twice, and both times she said "Don't you trust me?" which I read is a red flag.

 

She started texting her 'sister' a lot. After the breakup I read that cheaters often put the OM's name as a female friend or relative.

 

On the day of the breakup there was a guy pacing around outside my apartment window, who I assume was her affair partner who she left me for.

 

She started staying after work on Tuesdays and said that's when she'd spend time with her 'friends'. Always vague about who. And she'd come back looking really nice. Like, date nice.

 

Now all these things could be rationally explained. Could really have been her sister, my gut feeling could have been misinterpreting her checking out in general as infidelity, that guy could have had some other kind of relation to her, and she really could have been having girls nights on Tuesdays. But honestly -- nahhh she was cheating and left me for someone else.

 

It really sucks to end 8 years in such a trashy way. If she was unhappy, she should have told me, tried to work it out, broke up with me, and then started off with some other guy. What she did...... blech.

 

I just wish. I knew. For sure. Maybe in 9 months I'll see some photo on her facebook and it'll be the dude from outside my apartment and I'll know.

[FredJones80]

Mine gave a range of valid reasons. You don't like my friends, you don't like my family, I want someone catholic, I still have time to start over. Just from the intonation I could tell those weren't the REASONS, those were the REASONS SHE GAVE. You know what I mean? But your ex said absolutely nothing but "I haven't been happy in a long time?"

 

Nope, no "reasons" just she hadn't been happy for a long time... please... at least give me something after 11 years lol... Just a complete lack of respect, I'd of been happier if she just said "i've met someone else"

 

 

How do you know what she wore when you were out of town?

 

It was folded up on the bed to be put away when I returned, with other laundry.

 

I don't think in all honesty it matters if she left for someone else or not. I stuck with my gut and I think my gut was right. I don't know if it made it any worse or better, perhaps if I didn't think she left for someone else then maybe I would of tried to win her back? .. but then again maybe not. Knowing she was with someone else stopped me from humiliating myself... I thought I deserved better and was worth better, if she wanted someone else then she was entitled to him. I was generally a good partner, treated her right and was always there for her, if that wasn't good enough then... her loss.

 

Keep chugging forward.... don't look back.

[towardthefuture]

I don't think in all honesty it matters if she left for someone else or not. I stuck with my gut and I think my gut was right. I don't know if it made it any worse or better, perhaps if I didn't think she left for someone else then maybe I would of tried to win her back? .. but then again maybe not. Knowing she was with someone else stopped me from humiliating myself... I thought I deserved better and was worth better, if she wanted someone else then she was entitled to him. I was generally a good partner, treated her right and was always there for her, if that wasn't good enough then... her loss.

 

Keep chugging forward.... don't look back.

 

This is what's been eating away at me all this time. Unlike you I didn't treat her right in the last few years. Really took her for granted. I got sick with an ulcer, let myself go, got really depressed.

 

So I'm living in schrodinger's breakup -- she didn't cheat on me, and she's the one who got away and it's all my fault and if she came back of course I would take her back. OR -- she cheated on me and I deserve better. Right now both of these are simultaneously true.

 

Unluckily I already humiliated myself with some emotional communications the first month. I'm feeling a LOT stronger now, I'm past all the crying and most of the waves of extreme emotions. Been NC for 22 days, 2 months post BU. I may at some point send her a letter not trying to win her back but just a longer version of, "Welp, I'm over it too now. It is what it is. Can't go back. Good luck out there." But I'm going to sit on it for a while. Talk to my therapist about it. Cheating or not, potential for reconciliation or not, I don't want my last contact with her to be coming from this emotional wreck. I'd rather it be some strong self-confident communication that doesn't require any kind of response. Then I think I would feel a lot better about NC

[FredJones80]

I may at some point send her a letter not trying to win her back but just a longer version of, "Welp, I'm over it too now. It is what it is. Can't go back. Good luck out there." But I'm going to sit on it for a while. Talk to my therapist about it. Cheating or not, potential for reconciliation or not, I don't want my last contact with her to be coming from this emotional wreck. I'd rather it be some strong self-confident communication that doesn't require any kind of response. Then I think I would feel a lot better about NC

 

I think the letter idea is a bad idea, especially since you've managed 22 days. It's a long relationship, you've got a good few more months before you'll finally start feeling normal. Breaking NC, even for letters as you mention does set you back. I did send a letter, but it was the last contact I ever had and it was only 2 weeks after BU, I took it as my "final contact" my final chance to explain myself and see if she would change her mind.... guess what, I got no response.

 

It taught me something, there has to be a cut off line, a point where you decide never to return, sure I was open to hearing from her in the initial months, but I heard nothing and haven't til this day. I think your 22 day good work is too much to ruin.

 

My suggestion, keep moving forward, at some point in the next month or two you'll realise there is no need for any letter and you'll start gradually feeling better. You're in the most difficult stage, It's tough, I've been there and I feel what you're going through, but take me as proof, it gets better, you'll get through it and eventually you'll probably even realise it was for the best. I did and now I'm in a much better place, you'll get there too, just don't give up... 22 days is great work, give it another 22 and you'll be making progress, I think I might of stopped counting about 8-12 weeks after NC, then it didn't seem important any more, but you see the extreme time length required until it starts not to matter, you're looking at a possible 90 days.. but everyone is different.

 

Don't rush anything, accept it and keep moving forward.

Edited January 21, 2015 by FredJones80

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Hi!

 

This is another "giving back post"

 

I wrote another recent post about 2 months ago, see this for an update (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/502364-7-months-what-i-learnt-after-11-yr-relationship-ended)

 

I joined here roughly 9 months ago after my 11 year relationship ended. I'm now 9 and half months since BU.

 

11 years is a pretty long relationship and comparable to most people here is probably considered longer than most. For the first 3 months I probably cried daily without fail, at least once per day. After this I started to come round and by 4-5 months I was pretty much "better" even though I thought i'd never see that day. I won't go over it too much, see my earlier post.

 

Since my last update I've been on vacation on my own to another country, a first even though I'm in my 30's... It was excellent and I loved every moment of it, the weird thing? I met someone on this vacation and have since been to visit her, so not only had I already moved on months ago, I am also happy that I have moved on relationship wise.

 

Some people seem to think that 9 months or less is too fast to get over a long relationship, but I think everyone is different and the key is going at your own pace, you will come to acceptance when you are ready. It felt right when I was ready and I gradually knew I was coming to acceptance. It certainly wasn't easy, the first 3-6 months were hell, I really don't want to repeat that time, but you do come to a place where you accept it and then feel better about it, because ultimately, you can't change someone else's decision and it would be fruitless to even try.

 

Specific tips are nothing that you won't already know but 1) take the advice of the veterans here and 2) go NC as soon as possible. I went NC from 2 weeks after BU and it still took me 4 months to get over the worst of it. Complete NC, no looking at facebook, photos, phoning, texting, nothing... you know it... but trust me... IT WORKS!

 

Just after my last update I stupidly click on a Facebook profile of the only person left who had a connection between myself and my ex, as bad luck would have it, she popped up in "friends of friends" in a loving head together photo with the guy she left me for... the first time I had confirmation that what I suspected was true. For 5 seconds my heart beat rapidly. I quit the page, shrugged my shoulders and then felt fine, I didn't really think anything of it after that. The day after I decided to delete 11 years worth of photos of "us" off my computer, it was easy, I felt nothing and was glad it was done, I didn't do a last quick look at them, just deleted them by thumbnail. The odd one I did quickly look at caused my no pain, no hurt, nothing, just indifference and I think this is when you know you are past it.

 

She'll never not be a part of my life, she was 1) my longest relationship so far and 2) took up nearly a third of my life... but she is the past and has no bearing on my future or looking forward. Nothing I do now concerns her and nothing I do is based on her, us or anything in the past. I can only move forward.

 

The hardest part now after such a long relationship is finding out who I am, learning to accept opportunities that I might otherwise of missed due to compromise. I definitely have some emotional scars and baggage from that relationship but I am also much more aware of what I'm not prepared to tolerate and my boundaries. I think I was a pretty well rounded person before her, while with her and will continue to be after her.

 

Life is good. I'm happy, it isn't perfect, but it is definitely better. I met someone new, I didn't think that would happen, my confidence was seriously knocked, I wasn't even looking. It is extremely early days, I don't hold too much weight on it, but I'm enjoying it for what it is, it has no relation to my past, it's a separate thing and I'll embrace opportunities where I feel positivity now.

 

Keep your head up, I've been there, survived and lived to tell the tale, you will too. Just stick to the plan, listen to the knowledge people here and you'll be fine.

 

Dude this is so awesome to read!!! I still love stories like this.

 

Glad things are moving forward! Here is to more happy years.

[johnson_j]

Fred, it's good to hear your update. I'm glad you pulled through and are doing great, your formula is definitely a winning one.

 

 

Now if you'll recall I was going through a similar situation, except I was left for an ex, and my "ex" denied it until I showed her proof, and then she blamed it on me. So I did the NC thing and while initially things got worse, they did get better, and in a hurry. I've been with a new girl now for a few months who is 100x the woman my ex was, in every way that matters (i.e. brains not necessarily boobs) and is a great person. So in a long, circular way, I'm glad that it all happened because without it, I wouldn't have met the girl I have today and have the same perspective on life and relationships that I now have. For the first time, I can say that I value the "entire" package and not just the physical aspect (and let me say my new girl is very pretty).

 

 

Just last Friday the ex tried to reach me. She's tried a few times over the past year and this was honestly the first time I didn't feel anything at all. I did reply to her message, a short but sweet response, and I let her know that while I will always have a place for her in my heart, I am with a better person now and that door with her is forever closed. It felt good to be able to say it, and mean it.

 

 

So congrats to us both man. We've learned a lot over the year, and it's all been for the best.

[Chi townD]

Great post Fred! Very inspirational and people need to hear that there is life after our Ex's. Keep making positive changes in your life.

 

 

As for the new girl in your life, you've got it going right. Just look at it as a night out on the town with no expectations and no stress.

[EmperorR]

it's always great when people who are healed and doing better come back and share their progress.

[FredJones80]

Dude this is so awesome to read!!! I still love stories like this.

 

Glad things are moving forward! Here is to more happy years.

 

Thanks Confused, as I said 2 months ago, without the help and realisation of you and others on here, the road would of been a lot harder. For that I am forever in your debt.

[FredJones80]

So in a long, circular way, I'm glad that it all happened because without it, I wouldn't have met the girl I have today and have the same perspective on life and relationships that I now have.

 

Excellent Johnson_j, I remember you It's nice to hear your update. Glad things are going well for you. I suppose as people said, life will get better and we're proof that it does. I never honestly thought I'd see this day.

 

I suppose the only other suggestion I can make is for people to come back here, even if not permanently, but at least to update on their progress so others can see the end point. A lot heal, move on, go back etc but you never hear from them again.

[FredJones80]

Great post Fred! Very inspirational and people need to hear that there is life after our Ex's. Keep making positive changes in your life.

 

 

As for the new girl in your life, you've got it going right. Just look at it as a night out on the town with no expectations and no stress.

 

Thanks Chi townD, another name that offer good advice in my crisis months, thanks for your help