Abortion and break up

[Ln512]

So in the beginning of December i had a positive test. I was crushed inside, i've always been against abortion unless for the right reasons eg rape. That was just my personal opinion, but as soon as i seen that positive pregnancy test i knew straight away i didnt want it and i wanted a termination and it made me physically sick and beyond scared to know i was going against my beliefs just because i 'didnt want it'. Aswell as the whole concept of abortion making me scared sick i knew my 26 year old partner also did not want kids...so how do i tell him ? How did i know if he was going to understand me and my point of view of why am scared ? And i knew he was going to react badly...just not as badly as this.

 

I found out on a wednesday morning. And i told him in the wrong way. A simple ' i had a positive test' text. I didnt recieve a reply, i went home that night to a empty house and still nothing from him, so now i was worried so i texted him ' how do you feel', because correct me if am wrong but if you love someone you worry about them and if their okay and how their coping ? I got a reply ' i dont want kids, my heads f**ked' so i thought hold on, i dont want kids either... Hows your head messed up when am the one sat here with this child in me ? He didnt come home at all that night, he stayed out got drunk and crashed on his friends couch. So i held myself together and got up thursday and went to work, heard nothing from him all day and again goes home to a empty house that night so i rang him asked him were he was and he was in nando's with his friend...i flipped ! Am sat in our home alone pregnant. And scared sick. I cried to the point were i had a panic attack. He came home at about 8pm and went straight up the stairs and didnt say a word to me..so i followed him and i was we need to sort this you know what he said to me ? ' when are you getting a abortion' and as much as i thats what i wanted he said it in a way which made me feel not incontrol. Like i didnt have a choice. And i eouldnt mind but he didnt even know what a abortion intaled !!!!! So i paniced. I was like but i dont feel like i have the right to take a life and am scared so on and so on. And he sat on the bed and rolled his eyes at me. Bare in mind not once has this guy asked me if i am okay. When he could very obviously see i wasnt. We argued and i stormed down stairs and he left for work. So we text argued a little and i went right. Go a look up abortion and look at ehat i have to go through. And he did and he said.. All in one sentence ' ill support you but i dont think we have a future' so then i thought....your not supporting me. Youd be supporting what i was doing...and then youd leave me high and dry ? I fell asleep on the couch and he came home woke me up and took me to bed and he held me all night...but the next day say he didnt remember... Killed me. So i went the shops for thr day to clear my mind while he went to work and i made my first appointment at the clinic, i came home friday evening to tell him and as soon as i ealked in the door he told me to pack my bags and leave. So again i flipped ! I said things i shouldnt eg ' if i leave now you'll have no say in my choice, who would want a baby to you. You dont pay your debts you dont care about the house your a scruff' and so on... So i left, without telling him i made the appointment.

 

 

I went back on sunday to sort my stuff out... Everything in the house apart from the bed couch and telly was mine. So damn right i packed everything ! And monday came and mum came with me to the hospital and i was sat in the waiting room and everyone else around me were in couples. That hurt. I went in for my scan and i was 6 weeks. And then they talk to you to make sure you want to proceed. I did. I went back on the tuesday and swallowed the first pill and cried. I went back on thursday and insereted the last four..i broke down completely in the hospital. I messaged him later that night and said its done. He asked me how i was i said not good and told him how it was the worst pain in the world blah blah, yeno what he said back to me ? ' well maybe you'll remember to take the pill now'. (I took the pregnancy as my fault because in october i missed three days pills but i didnt actually miss them i missed for example sundays pill but i took sundays pill with monday like it tells you too) so there was still a empty pill packet at the end of the month. But i held my hands up like hey that was my mistake and thats were i must of been caught. What got me is that he thinks i got pregnant on purpose. Because back in march i was broody ? Am like hello !!!!! That fact that i had the abortion and completely went against something i so strongly believed in should over look the fact that 7 odd months ago i wanted a baby.. He's convinced i tried to trap him ! And no matter what i said or what evidence i showed him to explain it wasnt on purpose he was and still is having non of it.

 

Let me tell you about our relationship, i done everything. You name it i done it. I cleaned from top to bottem of our three bedroom home. I done the dishes. I done the washing and ironing. I done the cooking the shopping. I turned the house into a home, i bought furniture and homely decorations. I lay his clothes out in the order he'd put them on. I supported him and his work/career/goals. And i pushed him too suceed. I took damn good care of myself aswell and looked after a very naughty dog too. I understood that his work was his first priority and i took a back seat. So we didnt really see eachother because i worked a full time day job and he worked nights so we only spent time together on a sunday and he'd have me out untill atleast 3am when he knew i had to be up for 5. So in a nutshell the relationship for him was great i couldnt of been a better girlfriend.. Not so great for me though.

 

So after the termination i chased him ? I was like ' we can fix this lets work on it dont leave me' i begged him too take me back ? and alls he would say is ' i have nothing to say' you tried to trap me....errrm hello ? Why the hell would i trap you ! I already had you ! Why would i want a baby with someone i already babied ? And he was like i dont believe that girls miss their pill so on and so on. He made me feel like i was nothing. He took what was left of me a ripped me up completely. Yet he is going around playing the victim ?

 

New years day we had a huge argument. And i just was not nice any more i said horrible hurtful things that he deserved and i felt fine after that ! And i didnt contact him or anything. I was going so strong. But a week ago he messaged me asking if we could talk.. He missed me. But carried onto say ' after all the bad stuff youve done i miss you' i havnt done no bad stuff ! So we talked and i was like right you need to change blah blah and he was like i will and i want to be that person you. And we agreed he'd get me on monday and we would talk about more...monday came and he stood me up so i rang him and he said i need more time we'll talk tomorrow and i was like no now or am walking away.. So it turned into an argument on how he still thinks i did this on purpose....? And then i sent lots of messages and he didnt answer back but now am struggling too move on. I want to message him and talk and be with him. But why ? He didnt benefit me ? He wasnt a credit to me ? He genuinly didnt do anything for me yet he still made me happy ? And i hate to think someone thinks am a bad person when i done nothing but good for them ! How can someone just walk away from me just that easy ? I mean am dealing with the termination pretty badly and i have to go to couselling because of it. But i want him back. I want to trxt him and talk to him. And most of all i want him to accept that the pregnancy was a accident.

 

I just do not know what to do.

[Zahara]

Why do you want to be with someone that has no empathy for you? He doesn't love you, he misses the benefits you provide him. Are you so dependent on him or having someone in your life that after all that he's done, even when you were in pain, he turned around and spat on you?

 

Stop chasing him. Think for a moment. Step out of your emotional bubble. If your sister was with a man that treated her this way, what would you tell her?