7 year relationship broken up. "Space" "focus on myself"

[downc]

I am a 22 year old male. I've been dating a girl for 7 years. Within the last week she said she needed space and wanted to focus on herself. We were completely fine on New Years eve. We had a great time and she told me and a lot of her friends that. We have spent everyday for the last 7 years talking in some way shape or form. I knew her every thought and she has completely shut me out of her life. She would say that she wanted to be with me but wanted space. I was panicking and finally just pushed her away and it went from her saying I don't know if I want to break up and eventually her finally ending it. For the first time in 7 years we went a full day without a text or call. Nothing. I am completely heartbroken. We always had what I thought was a perfect relationship and people would always tell us that. We are extremely compatible together and I've always felt a spark between us. Before the break up she finally said im scared of being with one person my whole life and that chemistry may be gone and a guy showed up on a social media website that she was communicating with...Which led to me panicking even more. She insist that it's nothing but wouldn't stop talking to him and my request and ultimately I gave her an ultimatum and she refused to delete him. However, since the break up the guy has disappeared. However, I think she still may be communicating with him.

 

The build up..

 

the problems started back in November. I went out of town and she wanted to stay because she needed to study. She ended up going out with her roommates. Both her roommates are not the classiest people in the world. She never liked to go out and get really drunk and act a fool but after going out with them that night. She went out with them for straight weekends without me. Eventually I started asking questions and getting pretty upset about it because it just wasn't her and she wasn't spending anytime on our relationship either. I thought when we got away for the winter break the influence would stop and we would fix it and that's exactly what happened. The day we got back to school is the day she asked for space.

 

Can any female relate to what she is doing? Is she really scared about being with 1 person? Is she cheating with this guy? Is she just confused? Does she really feel like the passion is gone? I'm so shocked and at a loss for thoughts on this. I love that girl and gave her the world. She was very much apart of my family and they did A LOT for her. They are also really hurt and don't understand her actions. She refuses to meet up with me or talk on the phone because she says she will just fall back to where she was and needs to do this. I don't know what to do and people really don't understand because I have the longest relationship out of any of my friends.

[Satu]

You have to carry on under the presumption that its over.

 

Perhaps you will get back together at some point, but for now, its over.

 

Go total No Contact and focus on yourself.

 

That means no contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

Resist any temptation to beg and plead for her to take you back. You would just humiliate yourself and she would just push you away again.

 

Find the still point inside yourself.

[lil hoodlum]

Been there, been through that, have the t-shirt and ball cap.

 

She has left you for someone else.

 

Honestly it is just sad how some dumpers are, that they aren't at least honest about what they are doing. You deserved her honesty after being together for 7 years.

 

Breaking up with someone like that is cold, cruel, and cowardly.

[downc]

You have to carry on under the presumption that its over.

 

Perhaps you will get back together at some point, but for now, its over.

 

Go total No Contact and focus on yourself.

 

That means no contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

Resist any temptation to beg and plead for her to take you back. You would just humiliate yourself and she would just push you away again.

 

Find the still point inside yourself.

 

I agree that for now it is over. However how can I possibly cut her off from everything after 7 years. It's been a week.

[Aint_Easy]

hey man. I can help you out with that. I was with my ex since I was 19, I'm 24 now. We were best friends for 3 years before that. We had alottttttttt of memories, alot of happiness, alot of time together, all the things I'm sure you're thinking. I know you won't believe this but

 

 

it gets easier. We've been broken up for two months now, and I'm finally starting to think about her less, feel happier on a day to day basis, etc. If you guys were truly deep in love and planned to get married, you may get back together. but not now. no way no how now.

 

this is your time to focus on yourself. find your own happiness. build on yourself and continue moving forward. if there is anything i've learned, its that your happiness can not depend on her. learn that. if you guys get back together, it will make the relationship even better.

[bigtrouble]

Its sad when I see these kind of relationship fall but it happens best we can do grieve, accept it and move on.

 

I've been dating a girl for 7 years.

 

7years is a long time, women tend to get bored, the fact that they see nothing may have changed.

 

I thought was a perfect relationship and people would always tell us that. We are extremely compatible together and I've always felt a spark between us.

 

You and other people thought you had a perfect relationship, but she thinks otherwise, she will never tell you. Compatible from your vantage point but not from her's, the spark may have gone a long time ago, you just did not see it coming.

 

a guy showed up on a social media website that she was communicating with.

 

I gave her an ultimatum and she refused to delete him.

 

This new guy may have triggered a spark or an interest, the mere fact that you gave her ultimatum and she never flinched means, she is already distant and no longer attached to you, no more connection.

 

She ended up going out with her roommates. Both her roommates are not the classiest people in the world. She never liked to go out and get really drunk and act a fool but after going out with them that night. She went out with them for straight weekends

 

She wants more out of her life, she wants to party enjoy, she may have felt boxed in your relationship. Now she can experience new things, find that spark elsewhere.

 

Does she really feel like the passion is gone?

 

Lovers, passion is gone, that's how women are. If its there she will never grow cold on you. If they can't feel a connection there is no passion.

 

She refuses to meet up with me or talk on the phone because she says she will just fall back to where she was and needs to do this.

 

She totally don't want to have anything to do with you right now, if you keep chasing her, it will only worsen the case and push her away, she is indifferent.

 

Is she cheating with this guy? Is she just confused?

 

You will never know, unless she told you and since you broke up, its best not to think about it anymore.

 

 

Go NC and give her space, 7yrs is a long time, she will never forget you, meanwhile focus on yourself, I know its painful, you are hurt, shocked and confused right now.

[towardthefuture]

I agree that for now it is over. However how can I possibly cut her off from everything after 7 years. It's been a week.

 

It's done forever friend. In a couple months when you get out of your relationship withdrawal you'll realize the idea of taking someone back who left you to lick another guy's ballsack will make you want to vomit.

[Satu]

I agree that for now it is over. However how can I possibly cut her off from everything after 7 years. It's been a week.

 

Just enforce discipline on yourself and make yourself do it.

 

There's absolutely no easy way of doing it.

 

It will hurt, but if you don't do it there will a much fiercer pain, and it will last much longer.

[ExpatInItaly]

You've been together a long time and you're both very young. It's sad and painful, but people change a lot in this time period. Who she was as a teenager is not going to be the same person she is in her 20s or 30s. (And the same for you) People often outgrow relationships and have the desire to explore other people and have new experiences. I know how she feels, as I was in her shoes at around the same age.

 

You're not going to move on after only one week. It takes time to detach and find happiness again. But you will. Be kind to yourself above all and give yourself time to heal.

[downc]

hey man. I can help you out with that. I was with my ex since I was 19, I'm 24 now. We were best friends for 3 years before that. We had alottttttttt of memories, alot of happiness, alot of time together, all the things I'm sure you're thinking. I know you won't believe this but

 

 

it gets easier. We've been broken up for two months now, and I'm finally starting to think about her less, feel happier on a day to day basis, etc. If you guys were truly deep in love and planned to get married, you may get back together. but not now. no way no how now.

 

this is your time to focus on yourself. find your own happiness. build on yourself and continue moving forward. if there is anything i've learned, its that your happiness can not depend on her. learn that. if you guys get back together, it will make the relationship even better.

 

I know. I'm starting to realize that I depended on her too much for happiness. I also think that is normal because if everything seemed perfect why would I not be happy and to fix something that wasn't broke. I guess since we were each other's first everything it kills me to think about her being involved with another guy. Especially so soon and with no regards to my feelings. It's just really hard for me to accept the fact that I won't be her first or only anymore.

[bigtrouble]

I agree that for now it is over. However how can I possibly cut her off from everything after 7 years. It's been a week.

 

We went through it all, the first two weeks is Hell, you keep thinking what went wrong, you want answers, you may be shocked in denial and all, and have every urge to contact her and try to get back.

 

You gotta stay strong, GO NC...

 

We are going through the same thing, you are not alone in this.

[Satu]

It's just really hard for me to accept the fact that I won't be her first or only anymore.

 

You will always be each others first, but you won't be each others only.

 

In time you will be with someone else, and she will be as important to you then as this girl as this girl has been up to now.

 

All women in one woman, one woman in all women.

 

All men in one man, one man in all men.

[downc]

Ok. Thanks for all the great advice so far but let me ask this.

 

She is very active on social media.

 

She hasn't changed our picture or her status or anything. She told me before she broke up that I shouldn't be talking about it to anyone. (I was going through absolute hell the first couple of days and asking friends who had been through it.) it was like she was embarrassed that she was the one doing it but blamed me for the attention of it.

 

If it's over for her why not change pictures or let people know your single?

 

 

And right on que.. She text me and said I hope your doing okay. I didn't answer and she she sent at this point, I'm not sure how we could ever be together again.

[sober and dry]

I feel your pain downc, I has 95% in the same situation as you... It has only passed 1 month and some days and let me tell you man, I know how it feels and how it hurts but be sure that it will get much much better as time pass.

Keep strong, NC all the way, think about you and only you and must important of all learn from it and improve yourself!

[sober and dry]

Ok. Thanks for all the great advice so far but let me ask this.

 

She is very active on social media.

 

She hasn't changed our picture or her status or anything. She told me before she broke up that I shouldn't be talking about it to anyone. (I was going through absolute hell the first couple of days and asking friends who had been through it.) it was like she was embarrassed that she was the one doing it but blamed me for the attention of it.

 

If it's over for her why not change pictures or let people know your single?

 

 

And right on que.. She text me and said I hope your doing okay. I didn't answer and she she sent at this point, I'm not sure how we could ever be together again.

Don't you even bother with social media ****! NC includes blocking her in every social media ****, block all the communications lanes and delete to forget and heal! Do it man, it's just for your own good!

Yeah that text could mean many, many thinks... I know it will be very hard for you not to answer, but don't do it!

Whatever you decide on getting back to her, it's not the time for you to take any action, indeed it's not time for you to even dare to think about it!!!

[unforgotten]

Hey downc, you're doing good. I wish I would have found this forum so quick after my BU as you did. I'd avoid a lot of stupid **** I did back then. Your situation is quite similar to mine. Please, ignore her texts, they mean nothing and are there only to disturb you. Maintain NC, heal, focus on yourself and accept the pain. I'm 3 months post BU now, things are getting better but I'm nowhere there yet. I remember the first two weeks. One word can describe them - HELL! Staying NC is the best for you and the best way to ever get her back if it will ever come to that.

 

Keep posting, it will ease your pain!

 

Good luck!

[bigtrouble]

Ok. Thanks for all the great advice so far but let me ask this.

 

She is very active on social media.

 

She hasn't changed our picture or her status or anything. She told me before she broke up that I shouldn't be talking about it to anyone. (I was going through absolute hell the first couple of days and asking friends who had been through it.) it was like she was embarrassed that she was the one doing it but blamed me for the attention of it.

 

If it's over for her why not change pictures or let people know your single?

 

 

And right on que.. She text me and said I hope your doing okay. I didn't answer and she she sent at this point, I'm not sure how we could ever be together again.

 

Right now looking at Social Media pics and status will only confuse you even more, just stay away from it.

 

My GF did not touch it for a few weeks, when she did, she deleted all our pics, and posted some guilt trip quotes to pin it all on me to ease all her guilt and show the world she moved on.

 

Save yourself the pain, let it go, don't look at the social Media. I know you are itching for answers and looking for a spark of hope.

 

It will only further confuse you and add to the pain and hamper you healing.

 

I went through the same thing, each day gets a little better. Its a slow painful process, but you will pull through.

[Satu]

Social media doesn't reflect reality.

[bigtrouble]

Social media doesn't reflect reality.

 

I sure hope so, I can get the satisfaction that she is masking her sadness and guilt. This would really make my day.

[Kevin_D]

It won't get better. It will only get worse. The only thing that will get better is that you will care less about the people around you in the future, which will give you the bad boy aura, which ironically increase your chances of having a lasting relationship (young women usually leave the nice guys).

 

But if you're a smart guy - like me - you'll realise something. Words and promises don't mean anything. Whether a relationship with a young woman works out, is mostly random. After a certain amount of years, if the right guy shows up at the right time, she will leave you. And the more you try to protect her, the weaker you will seem.

 

Every girlfriend I've had talked about marriage our future together. And sadly, I don't care anymore. I almost get mad. The nerve to make promises like that. You don't know a **** about life! Don't tell me you'll always be there for me no matter what, because I've learned the hard way how quickly things change.

 

And you see... This is why the whole "love yourself" thing doensn't quite work for me. I loved myself when I was in a committed relationship, because I actually managed to believe in love. I'm not happy being a cynical *******. I'm tired of playing games, even though I've very good at them.

 

Your life will never be the same again. Ever. Prepare for the worst.

 

“One must have one's delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it's a pretty grim enterprise, you will admit.”

 

― Woody Allen

[Aint_Easy]

Social media doesn't reflect reality.

 

 

gonna agree with this. my ex of 11 weeks still has on her tumblr account info "taken by the greatest man. my boyfriend constantly reminds me how amazing I am"